Loss of interest in life what to do. What to do if there is no interest in life and everything is dull and joyless

Hello! I'm 26 years old and I have no interest in life. No friends. Young man neither is there and never has been. Attempts to get rid of loneliness and get to know each other led nowhere. I feel strong despair and doom. When I see happy people who are not alone, ready to cry. I don’t have a desire for suicide, I have a desire to solve my problem, but I don’t understand how to do it. There are many places to go in life, the Internet, I tried everything. There is no result, I am suffering and I feel bad inside. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself here, I want to find a way out of my situation. help me practical advice, maybe someone knows my problem.

Rita

Elena.

Rita, have you tried becoming a volunteer at an animal shelter? the love of smaller brothers helps very well with internal despair and there will be no loneliness)

Hello, Rita.
A problem similar to yours is familiar to many people. And she is also familiar to me personally. I sympathize with you.
It is not difficult to give advice, but it is much more difficult to use this advice. After all, you have already tried a lot yourself, but things are still there...
Now, in my opinion, what you need more is not so much some practical advice, what to do, how much understanding of the essence of what is happening to you, how you find yourself alone and out of life...
Please tell us about yourself, about the circumstances of your life. Do you live alone or with your parents? Have you always had no friends? How do you feel about your life, and have you always had no interests? Do you work or not, and what do you do? What exactly did you try, what did you do, how did the communication work out, what worked and what didn’t?

Victor Lyashenko, Victor, thank you for your sympathy.
If I talk about my problem in more detail, then, as I myself see, I cannot make new acquaintances due to the fact that I do not find common ground in the people around me. I don’t go to clubs, I don’t like noisy companies, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t swear, etc. Therefore, for people I am a stranger to society, people are not interested in me. I can’t break myself and become like everyone else, even though I’m in despair, but I won’t be able to wake up in the morning as a different person. In itself, I love life very much, I like to enjoy life, but loneliness depresses me to such an extent that there is no trace of cheerfulness left. I want to share my emotions with someone, but only person The person I can tell something to is me in the mirror. I don’t have problems in terms of communication skills, I’m not a downtrodden person who is afraid to say a word. I also have no problems with appearance. From the outside, no one will think that I am unhappy. Inside, I already feel so desperate that I think that I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. That there is not a single person anywhere in the world who would suit me. I don't know what else I can do to get myself out of this state. I want to live to the fullest rich life, I want to enjoy every day. But instead I feel unhappy and damaged.
I used to have a friend, we were friends for a very long time, we had similar views, she also was not a supporter of parties and all that. But our friendship stopped a long time ago, and this made me feel even more lonely. The friendship ended due to the fact that she began to change and eventually became just a different person, she had a much older man and the friendship came to naught because our views on life diverged.
I never had a personal life at all, which is also incredibly depressing. It seems to me that I am the only one in the world, that I am some kind of mistake among normal people and there is no place for me in this world.

Elena., Elena, thanks for the advice. I love animals, they make this life kinder and better. But, you see, I need interaction with people, animals will not make me happier. I desperately need someone next to me.

Rita

Let's be clear, Rita... You will need courage, honesty with yourself and a desire to change your life. I think that the despair that you are experiencing now will help you.
I offer you a free conversation: I comment on your words, you write your response.
Try to be attentive to my questions. If you find that it is not very convenient to discuss some issues of your personal life here, we can move the conversation to a personal meeting.

In some of your words there is a sense of confrontation with, let’s say, “existing mores”, with “society”. You make arguments that prove how “not like everyone else” you are (everyone goes to clubs, smokes, drinks and swears), and that’s why you are lonely. You somehow in one fell swoop wrote down everyone as a lover of “hot spots”, and decided that you were an alien for the whole society Human. Is this really true? Is everyone really “like this”?

Next you write: “I can’t break myself and become like everyone else, even though I’m in despair, but I won’t be able to wake up in the morning as a different person.”
And these words also attract attention with some unambiguous categoricalness. As if you really need to break yourself.
Where did you get this idea? Who requires you to break yourself and become different? And why do you demand this of yourself?

I “hear” in your words a great resentment, and a desire to prove to yourself the impossibility of you being together “with this cattle” (you did not use this word, but it seems to me that it fits your description of “everyone”). Of course, when you spend so much effort trying to prove to yourself “the complete impossibility” that “they are all like this” and you are “not like that”, then your efforts are not in vain. You achieve what your efforts are aimed at. Please pay attention to this! You are sure that you are making an effort to make acquaintances and find a loved one. However, everything is exactly the opposite.

Your efforts, of course, have a source - a reason why you need to separate yourself from people and prove to yourself the impossibility of being with someone. Since you say that you have no problems in communication, then it is your position in relation to the world and to people that is worth paying attention to: how is it that no one is suitable for you. Let me emphasize this: the point is not that someone doesn’t like you, they don’t want you, you’re not suitable (you’re not complaining about that), but that for you everyone is “not like that” ( "There is not a single person in the world who would suit me").

“I used to have a friend, we were friends for a very long time, we had similar views, she also was not a supporter of parties and all that.”. Still, there is at least one exception to “all”? Can we assume that if there is (or was) one exception, then there may be other exceptions?

What happened to your friend, how did she change? And why did you stop communicating? What views on life that have become different for you are you talking about?

The questions that I wrote to you about above, and which you have not yet answered, are still relevant.

Victor Lyashenko, Now I will try to answer your questions.
The fact is that I was already so desperate to get rid of loneliness that I really divided the world into myself and society, to which I am a complete stranger. This happened because for a very long time I could not find anyone who shared my views on life. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that I am generally alone and there is not a single person in the world with whom we would coincide. I mean coincidence in attitude towards life, towards important things. This does not mean that I am looking for a twin for myself, I understand that this does not happen and I do not need it. On the contrary, it’s even good when people complement each other in some way. And for me it is important to have the same views on life.
I made many attempts to change my life. At first I tried not to sit at home and go everywhere. For example, I went to exhibitions, to the cinema, to a cafe, or just walked along the embankment. Young people noticed me several times and came up to meet me. We started the usual conversation for such a situation, found out names, how old, etc. After the walk, I left my phone number. One guy called back and offered to go with him and his friends out of town to relax. I replied that I knew him too little for such a trip, that it was unsafe for a girl to go to an unknown place with strangers. And after my refusal, his interest in me disappeared and he never called again. There was another guy who called me back, invited me to take a walk around the city and, during the walk, offered to live together. I told him that I was seeing him for the second time in my life and that I was not ready for such an offer. After this walk, he also never called me again. Then I made an attempt to meet people on the Internet. I'm not registered on social media. networks and decided to try dating sites. It didn't lead to anything, people just offered sex and that's it. Plus, I also came across a deception when a guy first gets acquainted, writes compliments, and then stories begin about some kind of illness and that he needs money, and there is no one to help him except me. I also tried Orthodox dating sites, there were many offers for serious relationships. By the way, I am a believer, but not a fanatic. So, Orthodox sites also did not give results, since people from different cities wrote to me (and I live in Siberia), but I don’t understand how to build relationships at a distance, I don’t need correspondence either, I don’t understand virtual life. So I ran out of all the ideas that came into my head on how to get rid of loneliness. I don’t know where else you can find a person for a normal, fulfilling relationship. From my attempts, I concluded that everyone just needs acquaintances for sex. But I don’t want that, I want mutual love, a real relationship. If I see couples in love around me, everything inside me shrinks with melancholy and the feeling that I am alone for the rest of my life. It seems to me that at 26 years old I am alone, I have never had a relationship and I am a virgin, that I am generally the only such mistake of nature, and all other people are not alone and happy.
I wrote about the fact that I can’t break myself, because I think that everything about me is wrong. That in order to become happy and not lonely, I need to become a different person, to become like all other people. But I can’t do anything with myself, I don’t know how to take and be born completely different. And the thought that it would have been better for me not to have been born at all is one of the thoughts that haunts me.
I only have a grudge against myself, for the fact that I cannot become different, like everyone else.
I also want to say that I don’t treat people arrogantly, I can carry on a conversation with anyone. But I cannot let into my soul a person in whom I do not see a response and understanding.
Yes, you are absolutely right in noticing that everyone is different for me and I am tormented by the fact that I cannot become like everyone else.
I agree that if there was one exception, there may be others, but the lack of search results led to complete hopelessness. This search is not a day or two, it lasts for years, and every year the despair increases.
Regarding my friend, she began to change gradually, she began to go to parties, her boyfriends began to change. I didn’t comment on all this, this is her personal life and she has the right to do whatever she wants. Then she began dating a man who was even older than her father, and our communication naturally stopped, she began a different life, a different circle of acquaintances.
As for the questions that were raised earlier. I live with my parents. I'm finishing the second higher education, I'm writing my dissertation.

Rita

Rita, when you can’t get what you want, there’s internal tension naturally increases. And the longer the desire is not satisfied, the greater the dissatisfaction, which is expressed in increasing tension. However, the strength of this tension often significantly exceeds the required effort to achieve the desired. The need for communication is not isolated from other needs. And the success of satisfying it largely depends on how you satisfy others.
If all your attention is focused on one thing and you stop seeing the rest (the desire turns into a “fixed idea”), then this prevents you from achieving what you want. People usually communicate in the context of some general activities, interest, activities. This becomes what unites.

What interests do you have in life?
What else are you doing besides “getting rid of loneliness”?
Do you like your studies and profession?
Is there anything else that interests you besides your studies? Do you have a hobby or passion?
Do you communicate with your fellow students?
Whether you work?

“The fact is that I was already so desperate to get rid of loneliness that I really divided the world into myself and society, to which I am a complete stranger.”
The more you try to get rid of it, the more you focus on it, convincing yourself that you are alone and not like others. So you stop seeing anything else in life, and then loneliness grows and overshadows everything.

“I haven’t been able to find anyone who shares my views on life for a very long time.”
Can you describe what your outlook on life is? What exactly do you disagree with other people about?

I made many attempts to change my life. At first I tried not to sit at home and go everywhere. For example, I went to exhibitions, to the cinema, to a cafe, or just walked along the embankment. Young people noticed me several times and came up to meet me.
Do you know how to notice your own interest in someone?
Do you yourself notice those you like?
Are you showing your interest?
Do you let someone you're interested in know that you're interested in them?

One guy called back and offered to go with him and his friends out of town to relax. I replied that I knew him too little for such a trip, that it was unsafe for a girl to go to an unknown place with strangers. And after my refusal, his interest in me disappeared and he didn’t call again.
Your refusal is reasonable. However, there could be different reasons for the guy’s loss of interest.


How did you feel about him? Did you want to continue getting to know him? If so, why didn’t they offer their option for the next meeting along with the refusal? If not, then why did you give your number?

There was another guy who called me back, invited me to take a walk around the city and, during the walk, offered to live together. I told him that I was seeing him for the second time in my life and that I was not ready for such an offer. After this walk, he also never called me again.
The same question: how did you feel about it yourself, and what were you prepared for? Did he stop being interesting to you after his proposal? What exactly are your feelings about this incident?

I'm not registered on social media. networks and decided to try dating sites.
What's stopping you from registering on social media? networks?

I also tried Orthodox dating sites, there were many offers for serious relationships... people from different cities wrote to me (and I live in Siberia), but I don’t understand how to build long-distance relationships...
It's as if you decide in advance about what is possible and what is not, and refuse opportunities.
Moreover, on dating sites you can search by city, and, more importantly, you not only have the opportunity to respond or not respond to incoming offers (depending on your tasks and interests), but also to get acquainted yourself.
However, having tried this method of dating, you abandoned it, since it did not bring results... Question: how long did it take (in your expectation) to bring results? Did you give up too early?

So I ran out of all the ideas that came into my head on how to get rid of loneliness.
This is the central issue - the desire to get rid of loneliness. Tell us why loneliness is unbearable for you? How are you experiencing it? What and how do you fill your life alone?

From my attempts, I concluded that everyone just needs acquaintances for sex. But I don’t want that, I want mutual love, a real relationship... It seems to me that at 26 years old I’m alone, I’ve never had a relationship and I’m a virgin, that I’m the only such mistake of nature, and all other people are not lonely and happy.
Rita, how do you feel about your virginity? And how do you feel about sex? (not for dating for sex, but for sex). You write that everyone only needs sex, but when you talk about your virginity, you are talking specifically about the absence of sex in your life (virginity is not a hindrance to love and relationships). Do you admit to yourself that you would like a sexual relationship?

I wrote about the fact that I can’t break myself, because I think that everything about me is wrong.
What exactly is wrong with you? Please write specifically and explain why you think this is “not right” and needs reworking?

And the thought that it would have been better for me not to have been born at all is one of the thoughts that haunts me. I only have a grudge against myself, for the fact that I cannot become different, like everyone else.
We haven’t touched on this issue yet, but it seems important to me. I would like to ask about your family relationships. How do you communicate with your parents? What is your relationship with your mother? What about dad? How do they communicate with each other?

I also want to say that I don’t treat people arrogantly, I can carry on a conversation with anyone. But I cannot let into my soul a person in whom I do not see a response and understanding.
It's like that for everyone, Rita.
Question: do you yourself respond to other people, do you understand them, do you try to understand them? For example, your girlfriend, you understand? Those guys you didn't work out with? Do you understand their needs, concerns, worries, their human desires?

Yes, you are absolutely right in noticing that everyone is different for me and I am tormented by the fact that I cannot become like everyone else.
It's hard to once again become what you already are. You are already the same as everyone else. The point is not that you cannot become like everyone else, but that you do not see what you are the same as others in, that you are not looking for what is common, not what unites you, but what separates. And whoever seeks finds - you find your “otherness.”
Change the direction of your attention: look not for the difference, but for the commonality that brings you closer to everyone - in what you are the same, and in what he is the same. It will be a little difficult at first, but it is a skill that can be learned.

I agree that if there was one exception, there may be others, but the lack of search results led to complete hopelessness. This search is not a day or two, it lasts for years, and every year the despair increases.
And in conclusion, I would like to draw your attention once again to your desire, which gradually turned into a “fixed idea”. The obsessive desire to find “your person” makes this meeting almost impossible. Give up the desire to quit for a while" serious relationship". Switch your attention to communication based on interests. Do you have them? What else interests you in life, besides your loneliness?

1 Feb 2016

Victor Lyashenko,
I understand that my desire to get rid of loneliness has turned into a fix idea, that I am absolutely one-sided about this. I understand intellectually that it is not normal to live so one-pointedly, but the great need for interaction with a person can be said to paralyze me for some other desires in life.

About my interests and hobbies, I can say that I have them, but I do them alone with myself. I enjoy creative activities, for example I love photography. And if I have a desire, I can go to the park or nature just to walk and take pictures. And then I do further processing of the photos. This is an amateur hobby, I am not a professional in this matter. And this is a hobby that is carried out alone. Even earlier, I made cards and all sorts of crafts, it’s called scrapbooking. This was also an activity for myself, I was also into this alone.

Regarding studies, profession and work. I chose my first education poorly, I made the wrong choice after school and very quickly realized that jurisprudence was not for me. I couldn’t find a normal job, I worked as a salesperson, a manager, and a secretary; I was very depressed by my position at work as a service personnel, the lack of any development and low salaries. Therefore, I set a goal for myself to get an education that would give me more opportunities in life. In May I will defend my thesis and I hope that I will be able to find a job to my liking. Important point for me in work these are opportunities for some kind of self-expression, so that I like my work, it is interesting and I have the opportunity for creativity, so to speak. Let me explain, for example, I worked part-time in the archives. Each day was absolutely identical to the previous one. I just laid out documents here and there and that’s it. Like some kind of robot. And it depressed me so much that I still remember it with horror. IN this moment I don't work with last place work, I was “asked” to write a statement of my own free will. The situation was this: I got a job as an administrator, having previously warned the employer that I was a student and, therefore, I would need to periodically go on vacation during the session. A little time passed, I brought to work a call from the university for a session, to which the employer “turned on the fool” and began to prove to me that I had not told him anything about the fact that I was a student. In general, this is how my work ended. At the moment, my parents help me a little financially, and immediately after receiving my diploma I plan to get a job.

I communicate with my fellow students, but I am not part of their company; I am a stranger to them. At the university, I keep up conversations with them about their studies and some abstract topics. I don’t go anywhere with them, although they often talk about how they went to a club or a sauna. I thought a lot that maybe I should ask them too, but I can’t imagine myself in the club, so I couldn’t overcome myself.

As for my family. My parents are already over 60, I am a late child. Parents lead a secluded life, they have no friends, they do not communicate with anyone. They live in their own little world, and everything around them is uninteresting to them. They are only interested in their own life, dacha, garden, vegetable garden and everything like that. It is not customary for them to discuss or be interested in anything. Common topics that I can talk to them about are the weather or some news. It is not customary to discuss something personal, as if it does not exist at all. They never interfered in my life, they never talked about my personal life at all. My mom is a complex difficult person. And everything that concerns her personal life does not exist for her at all. For example, if she switches channels on TV and comes across a kiss, for example, she will immediately switch it, because kisses do not exist, it cannot be watched, it is bad, dirty and it does not exist at all. And if you say the word sex in front of her, she will burn with shame and will argue that there is no sex and you can’t talk about it. My teenage years are my worst memory. Because I had no one to discuss all my experiences with. In my entire life I have not had a single person with whom I could talk frankly. Actually, not a single one in all 26 years! I have never opened up to anyone or shared what is inside me. As a teenager, when I had an unrealistically lot of problems, I tried to somehow get in touch with my parents. But when I tried to talk about my experiences, they simply laughed at me, saying that it was all nonsense and that everything would pass. I was constantly haunted by the thought of suicide, and they told me that this was nonsense and that everything would pass. And they laughed. It is impossible to convey how you feel when they laugh at you. When you try to say something intimate, you expect understanding, but they just laugh in your face. This laughter is the greatest humiliation I have ever experienced in my life. There is nothing worse for me than laughter in response to revelations. I also tried to talk about how I would like to see a psychologist. In response to this, I also received laughter and all sorts of mocking arguments about how unnecessary psychologists are and how you shouldn’t go to them. In general, these attempts ended my attempts and all my life I worried and solved my problems on my own. Only the state I’m in means that I can’t help myself and solve my problems alone.

Regarding these questions: Do you know how to notice your own interest in someone? Do you yourself notice those you like? Are you showing your interest? Do you let someone you're interested in know that you're interested in them? Here I can say that in the process of communication I feel quite free. As a teenager, I didn’t know how to communicate with people at all, but now that’s no longer the case. The thing is that I worked as a sales consultant. Since this work involves constant contact with people, it was with great difficulty, through trial and error, that I learned to communicate with people and feel comfortable in this communication. It didn’t happen right away, but gradually I was able to overcome my fears and communication became not scary for me, but interesting activity. This is my small achievement in life. If we consider dating, then it’s not a problem for me to even meet first, I won’t feel shy, I have self-confidence. In terms of the conversation itself, I don’t experience any difficulties here either, I can support different topics, ask questions, find out what is interesting to the interlocutor. If I feel, for example, that the interlocutor is worried, I will try to remove his tension, show with a smile and conversation that he should not worry. If some young man is interested in me, I will notice it, if I like him, I’ll let him know with a smile that I don’t mind getting to know him. If I like someone, I will take a closer look at this person to understand whether the interest is mutual, whether this person is even free, because I am an unobtrusive and delicate person.

As for this situation: Your refusal is reasonable. However, there could be different reasons for the guy’s loss of interest.
1) Perhaps he was hoping for "quick sex". If this is so, it makes sense to pay attention to how you provided such hope during your first acquaintance.
2) Perhaps in your words he heard disinterest in him. But we all want to feel that they are interested in us (and certainly men, no less than women).
How did you feel about him? Did you want to continue getting to know him? If so, why didn’t they offer their option for the next meeting along with the refusal? If not, then why did you give your number?

Here I can comment on the following. I don’t think that outwardly and in communication I can give the impression of a girl ready for quick sex. Outwardly, because I don’t dress revealingly, my makeup is also unprovocative and, in general, appearance I don't fit the format of a girl for quick sex. In terms of communication, because I didn’t discuss any intimate topics, I didn’t make it clear in any way that I was interested in quick sex. Yes, he really could see my disinterest in sex in me. But this is true, quick sex really doesn’t interest me. I treated him calmly, outwardly he was a handsome young man, but in terms of communication we did not find anything in common, there was no spark, so to speak, we talked about abstract topics. I didn’t want to continue getting to know him; I didn’t feel upset that my acquaintance ended with him. I did not offer another option for a meeting, because it did not arouse any particular interest in me. I left my number, because if a guy asks for it, it means he has an interest in me, and I wanted to know him more for myself, what kind of person he is.

There was another guy who called me back, invited me to take a walk around the city and, during the walk, offered to live together. I told him that I was seeing him for the second time in my life and that I was not ready for such an offer. After this walk, he also never called me again.
The same question: how did you feel about it yourself, and what were you prepared for? Did he stop being interesting to you after his proposal? What exactly are your feelings about this incident? Here I can say that in general he was an ordinary guy in appearance, and in his communication too. But during the conversation, he abruptly changed the topic, namely, he suggested living together. I wasn’t prepared for this turn of events at all; I was completely dumbfounded. I asked if it was normal for him to offer to live together with an unfamiliar girl, he was surprised and said, what’s wrong. Actually, the further conversation did not work out, because there was a misunderstanding. So I just said that I had something to do and said goodbye to him. To be honest, I was relieved that I left, because such proposals cause tension for me and I was glad that he didn’t call again.

1 Feb 2016

Rita

Continuation.
About social networks. I don’t quite understand this format of communication; I’m much more interested in a living person nearby. I don’t really understand what people are doing there, why they spend days communicating there. And I don’t have any friends, I can’t talk to myself on social media. networks to communicate.

About Orthodox dating sites. This will be such a small moment of humor in my difficult story. Based on my experience of dating on such sites, I realized that the young people who want to meet there are, to put it mildly, specific. Young people themselves wrote to me, and I also took the initiative and offered to get to know each other. Let me give you a few examples. There are a lot of people who offer to move to the village, to the forest, and to some place farther away to escape nitrates and tax identification numbers. And I’m not joking, people are offering this in all seriousness. There are also many people there who are looking for some God-fearing girls, so that they don’t wear make-up and wear skirts up to their toes and give birth to their children without interruption, because using protection is a terrible sin. There are also many people looking for mothers, wives of priests in general. There are also a lot of elderly foreigners there who are looking for a Russian virgin wife; one grandfather from Serbia actually annoyed me with his offers. Well, there are also many of those who, for example, when sending a message about acquaintance, attach several sheets of demands, such as: the family must be built on house-building, the wife must obey her husband, etc. And on top of all this, not a single person from my city , whom one could meet at real life. All this left me with the impression that some of the patients there were crazy. hospitals that need treatment, not dating. I was unable to find people who were calm about faith. I don’t go to church often, I like to mentally pray and ask for something good for myself. This gives me the feeling that I am not alone in this world and for some moment it becomes easier. And on these sites there are people who are simply lost in faith, I despaired of finding them there normal person. About the period within which I assume you can find someone. For example, a month or two, that is, such a period during which even greater oppression from the lack of results would not come. In general, as I looked, people have been sitting on these sites for years. One person wrote to me, he’s been on the site since 2009. I can’t even imagine sitting on a site for so many years with no results.

What exactly is wrong with you? Please write specifically and explain why you think this is “not right” and needs reworking? Me, my life, my family, all this is a problem for me. I want to close my eyes and wake up in different circumstances of life, so that I would be like everyone else around me and not have the problems that I have. I understand that this is impossible. I just despaired of overcoming the circumstances that I have.

Question: do you yourself respond to other people, do you understand them, do you try to understand them? For example, your girlfriend, you understand? Those guys you didn't work out with? Do you understand their needs, concerns, worries, their human desires? Answering this question, I can say that I cannot admit to fully understanding people. To understand a person, from my point of view, communication, contact with this person helps, if I communicate with a person, then I try to be interested in his life, to participate in it. And if communication doesn’t work out, then I don’t impose. To be honest, I don’t understand about my friend. And the guys with whom things didn’t work out, too.

Give up the desire to start a “serious relationship” for a while. Switch your attention to communication based on interests. Do you have them? What else interests you in life, besides your loneliness? Honestly and frankly, I don’t care about anything except loneliness. I feel so damaged in this loneliness that I can’t think of anything else.

Can you describe what your outlook on life is? What exactly do you disagree with other people about? About my outlook on life, this is that I don’t go to clubs, parties, etc. But I don’t agree with people that they all live normal life, have relationships, friends, but I don’t.

1 Feb 2016

Rita

Elena.

I do not have friends. and it always wasn’t..am I crazy then too?

1 Feb 2016

Elena, as far as I understand from your topics, you have a child and are you happily married? This means that the circumstances of my life and yours cannot be compared.

2 Feb 2016

Rita

Elena.

Rita, I’m not comparing, I just want to understand you) I’m wondering why there are so many people who consider themselves lonely (

2 Feb 2016

Elena, I don’t think it’s possible to just say why many people consider themselves lonely. Each individual person has their own specific reasons for this.

2 Feb 2016

Rita

A few comments on your text:

“About my interests and hobbies, I can say that I have them, but I do them alone with myself...”
Why alone? There are many people who are passionate about the same things as you. Why are you protecting yourself from communicating with them?

Are you for them or, first of all, are they for you?

“My mother is a complex, difficult person. And everything related to her personal life does not exist for her at all. For example, if she switches channels on TV and she comes across a kiss, for example, she will immediately switch it, because kisses do not exist, You can’t watch it, it’s bad, dirty and it doesn’t exist at all. And if you say the word sex in front of her, she will burn with shame and will argue that there is no sex and you can’t talk about it..."
Parents may have their own ideas about what can and cannot be talked about. Moreover, their age (and therefore the conditions of their upbringing) speaks volumes. But to say that sex does not exist for your mother is a rather strange remark - your mother somehow gave birth to you. And with your dad she has intimate relationships exist.

Of course, the closedness of feelings in your family, which is felt behind your words, could not but affect your closedness. However, this matters little now. What matters now is whether you want to bring soul communication, intimacy into your life or not.
Do you want to learn to open up?

You haven’t written anything about your father... It’s as if he doesn’t exist at all... What is your relationship with him?

“I never opened up to anyone or shared what was inside me... But when I tried to talk about my experiences, they simply laughed at me, they said that it was all nonsense and that everything would pass. I was constantly haunted by the thought of suicide, and they told me that this was nonsense and everything would pass. And they laughed. It’s impossible to convey what you feel when they laugh at you. When you try to say something intimate, you expect understanding, but they just laugh in your face. This is the greatest humiliation I have experienced in my life. There is nothing worse for me than laughter in response to revelations."
Rita, at least here on this forum (in different topics and discussions) you can share your experiences. I'm sure many people need them. There is no guarantee, of course, that they won’t laugh here either, but someone will definitely respond and support. And communication (and life in general) is always a risk. And there is no intimacy without risk of opening up. Because there are no guarantees. Never. Even close person He may not understand and leave altogether.

“With a lot of grief, through trial and error, I learned to communicate with people and feel comfortable in this communication. It didn’t happen right away, but gradually I was able to overcome my fears and communication became not a scary, but an interesting activity for me. This is my little achievement in life. If we consider dating, then it’s not a problem for me to even meet first, I won’t feel shy, I have self-confidence.”
Rita, you are great! And since you already have experience of your own victories, you will definitely solve the tasks that you can now set for yourself (you may, of course, not set them). Not on your own, but with help.

“Here I can comment on the following. I don’t think that outwardly and in communication I can give the impression of a girl ready for quick sex.”
This vision of yourself may be deceiving, Rita. If your feelings are under lock and key (and you are closed person, you talk about this yourself), then your bodily unconscious signals, which you do not know and do not control, may be noticeable to others and not noticeable to you.

“I left my number, because if a guy asks for it, it means he has an interest in me, and I wanted to know him more for myself, what kind of person he is.”
For what? If you are not interested in a person, why do you need to communicate with a person who is not interesting to you? But you left your number. Probably, there was still a reason?
What I mean, Rita, is that you may not know your real interests (needs, values)... (Actually, no one knows them with certainty). But you can find out from cases like these.

"About social networks. I don’t quite understand this format of communication; I’m much more interested in a living person nearby. I don’t really understand what people do there, why they communicate there for days on end. And I don’t have friends, I can’t talk to myself communicate on social networks."
Until you try something, how do you know what it is and why you might need it?

“I don’t agree with people in that they all live normal lives, have relationships, friends, but I don’t.”
This is your delusion, Rita. Read this forum. Perhaps you will look at something in your life differently.

2 Feb 2016

So, Rita, let's put cause and effect together.

The problem (what torments you) is the lack of close communication and the experience of painful loneliness. There is a certain part of your participation in the fact that your circumstances are this way: your way of living, relating to yourself, to people, to the world.

One of the obvious manifestations of this way of living (which, in my opinion, gives rise to the problem) is your fear and reluctance to open up to others. And intimacy (what you so desire) does not exist without the risk of openness and trust.

One of the reasons for fear and your rejection of people is your shame of yourself, your virginity, your life, your family. Shame - very strong feeling, and can create serious barriers to communication.

What is self-shame? This is a rejection of oneself: “I cannot be as I am. I am not needed as I am. I have no place on earth. I need to be different. Or not be at all.”
Why is this conclusion made? For the sake of being accepted and loved by others.

The problem is that by rejecting yourself for the sake of being accepted by others, you have excluded the very possibility of others accepting you. And not because others will not be able to accept you (although now, without you, it is more difficult to do this), but because you will not be able to notice and feel this acceptance - you are now behind armored glass from everyone, behind a fence with barbed wire . Now, even if the other takes a step towards you, you take a step back, move away...

How can this be resolved?

Rita, please take my next words carefully.

Since your problem is communication - the inability to be close because of shame of yourself, because of your own alienation from others - then this problem is solved only in communication. It cannot be solved either by correspondence, or by reading books - by anything other than communication.

That's why the best option You will have personal psychotherapy. The fact that you live in Siberia special significance does not have. Firstly, there are also psychologists in Siberia. Secondly, work is now possible remotely, via Skype. You can contact me or any other psychologist on this forum and agree to work together.
As a possible alternative (but better as an addition) - attend communication trainings, personal growth, classes with body-oriented practices (so that there is bodily interaction), pair yoga.

Of course, we can continue our correspondence with you. But it is optional.

2 Feb 2016

“I communicate with my fellow students, but I don’t join their company, I’m a stranger to them...” Indeed, they are for me.

You haven’t written anything about your father... It’s as if he doesn’t exist at all... What is your relationship with him? I didn’t write about my dad because I don’t have any difficulties with him. Our relationship is normal, he is a gentle person by nature. If mom lives by the principle: “there are two opinions, mine and the wrong one,” then dad doesn’t have this, mostly I communicate with him, for example, to discuss some news. And there is practically no communication with my mother, only at the level of saying hello and saying something insignificant and that’s all. Because mom is a person who categorically does not accept other opinions and communication with her can always take place only in the form of conflict. A conflict with her will not happen only if you completely agree with her on everything, and as far back as I can remember I never agreed with her and always fought back. As a child, I had a frequent history of scandals and punishments. But I never gave up and never let her take over me, even if, for example, she didn’t feed me, did some dirty tricks, I never backed down on my own. We had similar clashes constantly and over any minor reason, for example, she wants to force me to wear something that I would never wear, because in this they would laugh at me and everyone would mock me. It is generally impossible to prove anything to her, to explain it, she is simply not able to understand the feelings of another person. And this manifests itself in every little thing, for example, if she thinks that some candies are bad, she will never buy them, and it doesn’t matter that dad loves them. And if he buys them himself, she will comment on them hurtful words, she will do everything to prevent a piece from going down a person’s throat. And so it is in everything. Therefore, starting from adolescence, in order to avoid conflicts and pressure on my psyche, I completely limited communication with my mother to something insignificant and that’s all.

And communication (and life in general) is always a risk. And there is no intimacy without risk of opening up. Because there are no guarantees. Never. Even a loved one may not understand and leave altogether.

This vision of yourself may be deceiving, Rita. If your feelings are under lock and key (and you are a private person, you say so yourself), then your unconscious bodily signals, which you do not know and do not control, may be noticeable to others and not noticeable to you. This is something I never even thought about or knew about. Body language is a complete mystery to me, I don't know anything about it.

For what? If you are not interested in a person, why do you need to communicate with a person who is not interesting to you? But you left your number. Probably, there was still a reason? What I mean, Rita, is that you may not know your real interests (needs, values)... (Actually, no one knows them with certainty). But you can find out from cases like these. In general, in the absence of an interesting person for me, I thought that it would be nice to have at least an uninteresting one. Although intellectually, of course, I understand that nothing can work out in this case.

I agree with this. I just haven’t tried it because I’ve never been attracted to anything virtual. For example, I have never played games. No matter how much I try, it takes about 5 minutes and I get bored, it doesn’t attract me.

This is your delusion, Rita. Read this forum. Perhaps you will look at something in your life differently. After reading many topics, I discovered that there are many people in the world who are experiencing difficulties. There are even those whose problems are similar to mine, and I understand very well how they feel when they write about their difficulties. In general, I made the discovery that I am not alone in this world.

Victor, what is personal psychotherapy, how does it happen, what is needed for it, how much does it cost?

As a possible alternative (but better, as an addition) - attend trainings in communication, personal growth, classes with body-oriented practices (so that there is bodily interaction), pair yoga. In general, I'm not against it, I just have it now financial situation does not allow you to sign up for such classes. Maybe later I will be able to afford it.

3 Feb 2016

Rita

• Why alone? There are many people who are passionate about the same things as you. Why are you protecting yourself from communicating with them? I don't know why this happens, I would like to fix it.

• “I communicate with my fellow students, but I don’t join their company, I’m a stranger to them...” Are you for them or, first of all, are they for you? Indeed, they are for me.

• What matters now is whether you want to bring soul communication, intimacy into your life or not. Do you want to learn to open up? I really want this, I need it vitally.

• I didn’t write about my dad because I don’t have any difficulties with him. Our relationship is normal, he is a gentle person by nature.

• And there is practically no communication with my mother, only at the level of saying hello and saying something insignificant and that’s all...

• How can you survive if such a risk occurs, you open up to a person, but they don’t understand you, or worse, they laugh at you? How to cope with this situation and not close down?

WITH different people, V different time, in different circumstances and situations, we are in different relationships(that is, relationships with the same people are always and constantly different), we have varying degrees openness and intimacy. Deciding when and to whom I should say what is my concern. If I didn’t understand his need (I didn’t understand the person), and dumped on him what he didn’t need, then I myself created a situation in which I might not be understood.

2) How to survive if they laughed at your innermost thoughts? How to cope and not close down?
- The key here, Rita, is the willingness to experience pain (shame).
- second - the willingness to accept yourself, not turn away from yourself, not reject you just because another person rejected you.
In order for this to be possible (if it is not yet possible now), psychotherapy exists.
- third, you still need to figure out whether he rejected you. Perhaps his laughter was his way of protecting himself from own feelings: from the pain that we touched in him with the story of our pain, from awkwardness, from his inability to communicate with a person at close range.
- willingness not to reject a person in order not to feel your pain. At the same time, “not reject” does not always mean “continue to communicate with him,” but in some cases, it means this too.
That is, our understanding of ourselves and our understanding of this person helps us experience pain.

• Body language is a complete mystery to me, I don't know anything about it.

• Until you try something, how do you know what it is and why you might need it? I agree with this. I just haven’t tried it because I’ve never been attracted to anything virtual.

• Victor, what is personal psychotherapy, how does it happen, what is needed for it, how much does it cost?

Consultations can be one-time, but as for psychotherapy, this is a relatively long process. What is needed for this? Desire and appropriate agreement with a psychologist. I'll give you some links, maybe you'll get an idea:

Fine! And you have already begun to learn this, Rita: you wrote openly on the forum about your difficulties, and even about rather intimate moments of your life. How do you feel about what you shared about yourself? What do you feel? What significance does this correspondence have for you? What could you do today in your journey towards openness? (tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, etc.) To take it like this and openly talk about your life is an indescribable feeling, really. It's like jumping with a parachute, at first there was fear and a desire to give up what was planned, and then indescribable delight and the understanding that the fear was unjustified. I felt a huge relief that I was able to openly talk about myself, my self-consciousness even decreased inside, I can feel it. I think if I could tell strangers on the forum about myself and did not receive laughter, contempt or some kind of negativity in response, then in life it will be easier for me to open up to someone. And in general, open up to this world. Because all my life before that I lived in some kind of vacuum from my surroundings. And now I want to be a full-fledged part of this world, and not a person existing outside of life. What can I do to achieve this goal? I think the main thing for me in this direction is to stop being afraid. Yourself, your characteristics, and life in general. And get rid of the fear of opening myself to the world and to any person to whom I want to do it. Even if someone doesn't understand me, for me it will still be big step in the fight against fear. And I want to believe that there will definitely be someone who will understand.

How is it that, having an understanding and supportive father, you do not seek and find support from him, do not share your difficulties with him? We don't accept such conversations. Perhaps I would try to discuss my loneliness with him, but since we have never had a heart-to-heart talk, I cannot predict his reaction. He may not like this, but I don’t want to spoil our relationship with this.

It seems that you are very offended by your mother. For what exactly? What would you like in your relationship with her? Is there anything for which you are definitely grateful to your mother? Not “with the mind,” but with the heart, from the soul, sincerely. Previously, when I was still a teenager, the resentment towards her was very strong. Behind complete absence understanding, for the lack of support, warmth, for pressure, despotism, for many of her actions, which were very painful and offensive for me. As an adult, I have already let go of these grievances for myself, because I don’t want to live with negativity inside. But if it comes to something related to her, the offense in my words appears involuntarily. It sounds scary, but I have nothing for which my heart would be grateful to her.

Victor, thank you for your explanations about risk, openness and experiences. For me it's perfect new information and she is very important to me. I really want to learn everything you are talking about, my future life depends on it.

Do you want to start getting to know your body? I really want to, because my body is a completely unknown area for me.

Now you are also in virtual space, Rita. Do you find meaning in your interactions here? If yes, then maybe you can find it in other virtual sites. spaces? I certainly find meaning in my being here, and the interaction I get here is very important to me. And I will definitely think about other virtual spaces.

I'll give you some links, maybe you'll get an idea Thanks for the links, Victor. I read some of your articles, very interesting. I liked the article about shame, I learned new things from it. As for personal psychotherapy, this is also very interesting, but financially I am not yet ready for this. Maybe later I will have the opportunity.

Even if someone doesn’t understand me, for me it will still be a big step in the fight against fear.
Yes!

I think the main thing for me in this direction is to stop being afraid. Yourself, your characteristics, and life in general. And get rid of the fear of opening myself to the world and to any person to whom I want to do it.
It will help you a lot if you don't fight fear. There is no need to fight him. It is enough to realize that it exists, to realize its positive role (!) - why you still needed it, what it protected you from (think in this way: about fear, not as an enemy, but as a friend who cared about you all this time).
And then - about whether you want to continue to protect yourself, protect yourself from this (from which fear protected you), protecting you at the same time from life and from everything that you want in a relationship.

Perhaps I would try to discuss my loneliness with him, but since we have never had a heart-to-heart talk, I cannot predict his reaction. He may not like this, but I don’t want to spoil our relationship with this.
You may not like it if you make some kind of demand or claim, or resentment, or expectation (for example, help). Everyone involuntarily wants to protect themselves from this. Then the relationship “spoils”.
Telling your daughter about her loneliness, of course, can be upsetting (and even more likely). But this disorder is unlikely to be a reason to ruin the relationship between you.

It’s best to leave the topic of relationships with your mother and resentment towards her for now for personal psychotherapy.

And further.
The issue of openness, emotional communication, intimacy in relationships is a matter of constant effort (effort to remember and be attentive). It is impossible to achieve or gain them once and for all. Just as it is impossible to finally and irrevocably resolve all problems - all life is made of problems.

3 Feb 2016

Good afternoon, Rita!
I read your correspondence with Victor with great attention and interest and want to give my comments in addition to what Victor said. You may find them useful for your future work.

You know, towards the end of winter there is often a certain timelessness, a time of uncertainty. Fluffy White snow before our eyes it turns into a dirty brown, it’s drizzling with snow, and there’s dampness and puddles all around, and you don’t know where to step... Everyone is familiar with this period when winter gives up its rights, and spring is still at the beginning of its journey. I always say that you just need to survive this time, because spring is an absolutely proven fact! - it will definitely come. It’s the same in life - sooner or later we find our loved ones, the one and only, but... this is where the most important thing is: at the moment of waiting and searching, it is important to live your life fully, not to lose my only self in search of the “only other”. After all, your person may not appear in your life right away - let’s imagine, for example, in a year or two, but how will you live this time?

I would like to focus your attention on what I see for you as the main directions of your immediate work:

1) Mastering your femininity and sexuality as part of the process of learning and accepting yourself.

You wrote that your body is a “completely unknown area” for you, which you will have to get acquainted with) Our body - important source information, both for others and for ourselves. Without knowing it, we send many bodily signals to the outside world that are “read” by other people. And our body can also tell us a lot about what the so-called are worth. psychosomatic diseases are our body's response to stress and psychological conflicts inside us.

Contact with your body is necessary to maintain psychophysical health. If you listen to your bodily sensations, you can better learn to understand your own reactions to what is happening around you, your true desires and attractions. For a woman, contact with her body is also important for maintaining energetic health for her future family.

It is a well-known fact that a teenage girl is introduced into the world of femininity by her mother. This is why the quality of the relationship with your mother, both in the past and in the present, is very important. Based on your information, I conclude that to master femininity you will have to take care of yourself, so I want to recommend any types of dance styles (very good, for example, belly dancing, stretching, strip plastic, etc.), yoga, dance aerobics , aqua aerobics. Classes in the theater studio, singing and any active creative activity will be useful for emotional liberation.

Working with appearance is important as part of working with the body - you will have to learn to love and accept your reflection in the mirror, since you see it every day). It is quite obvious that we do not always like the way we look (early in the morning, if we are sick, etc.), but it is important to learn what and how to do so that we like the reflection in the mirror. Believe me, this is important! First, reconsider your wardrobe in the direction of strengthening feminine(for example, not trousers, but skirts and dresses). If you dare to send your photos (you can personal mail), I can advise you on image and wardrobe ideas.

2) Further development of your emotional sphere.

You are a conscientious, sensible, intelligent girl, but many of your feelings and emotions are hidden for various reasons. I won't repeat myself - working with Victor was more than convincing. For my part, I advise you to try to “experience” your emotions from an unusual perspective (you once even compared strong emotions to a parachute jump). I mean to experience an emotional upsurge and new sensations from new activity, a prerequisite is that it must be an active and group activity (active sports, active tourism, etc.)

3) Quality of communication.

You wrote that you know how to communicate freely, and that’s great! During the communication process, I would recommend finding something interesting and useful for you in your interlocutor: in this case, you will show your sincere interest (including on a physical level), the interlocutor, in turn, will feel your concern, and the contact itself will be more free, sincere, spontaneous. With this quality of contact, it will be easier for you to open up and trust your interlocutor.

In this regard, I would not recommend virtual spaces, although they certainly have benefits (take our forum, for example). In my opinion, personal communication is an invaluable experience. To begin with, you can intensify personal communication with people you already know (they safe for you) - fellow students, acquaintances, neighbors, colleagues, etc., and after that expand the list of acquaintances.

4) Well, for the future - not immediately, gradually - you will have to ask yourself the question of independent living. In no case do I take the risk of advising anything on this matter, since this is beyond the scope of psychological consultation, however, living together with your parents may influence your further decisions. Once again, this is a topic for the future.

With all my heart I wish you good luck, you have already taken the first step by contacting the forum, where you can make friends and where you can count on unconditional psychological support!

3 Feb 2016