Getting out of codependency: psychotherapeutic ways to cope with dependence on another. Codependency isolates us from our own feelings

This is the main characteristic of codependents on which all others are based. Hence such a feature of codependents as an outward focus. These people are completely dependent external assessments, from relationships with others. Codependents do not know how to accept compliments and praise properly. It may even increase their feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Numerous shoulds dominate in their consciousness and vocabulary - “I must”, “you must”.

Low self-esteem can be a motivation for wanting to help others. Since they do not believe that they can be loved and valuable on their own, they try to “earn” the love and attention of others and become indispensable in the family.

2. The desire to control the lives of others.

Codependents believe that they can control everything in the world. The more chaotic the situation at home, the more efforts are made to control it. They think they can restrain or drug their loved ones.

Codependents are confident that they know better than anyone in the family how events should happen and how other family members should behave. To control others, they use persuasion, threats, coercion, advice, and emphasizing the helplessness of others (“my husband will be lost without me”). They instill in others a feeling of guilt (“I gave you my whole life, and you...”) or use gross dominance and manipulation.

The problem of personal venality in the professional activity of a psychologist

Trying to take control of uncontrollable events leads to depression. Codependents view the inability to achieve goals in matters of control as their own defeat, as a loss of the meaning of life. Other outcomes of the controlling behavior of codependents are frustration and anger.

Codependents take responsibility for others while being completely irresponsible regarding their own well-being. They eat poorly, sleep poorly, do not visit a doctor, and do not know their own needs. By saving the patient, codependents only contribute to the fact that he will continue to use alcohol or drugs.

The attempt to “rescue” never succeeds. This is just a destructive form of behavior for both the codependent and the dependent. Such “care” for others presupposes the incompetence, helplessness of the other, his inability to do what a codependent loved one does for him. All this makes it possible for codependents to feel constantly necessary and irreplaceable.

4. Feelings.

Many actions of codependents are motivated by fear, which is the basis of any addiction. For codependents, this is the fear of facing reality, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of losing control over life, the fear of the worst. When people are in constant fear, they have a progressive tendency towards rigidity of body and soul. Fear fetters freedom of choice. In addition to fear, the emotional palette of codependents is also dominated by anxiety, shame, guilt, lingering despair, indignation, rage, resentment, self-pity, and anger. These emotions are called toxic. They are used as defense mechanisms.

Personal qualities of a psychologist-consultant

Another one characteristic feature emotional sphere of codependents - nullification (clouding) of feelings or even complete rejection of them, helping to increase tolerance negative emotions. Gradually, codependents become more tolerant of emotional pain. Negative feelings, due to their intensity, can be generalized and spread to other people. Self-loathing can easily arise. Hiding shame and self-hatred can look like arrogance and superiority over others (this is a transformation of feelings).

5. Negation.

Codependents use all forms psychological protection– rationalization, minimization, repression, projection and others, but most of all – denial. They tend to ignore problems or pretend that nothing serious is happening. For example, when parents observe a state of drug intoxication in their son or daughter, they can explain it with anything, but not drug use.

Codependents easily deceive themselves, believe lies, believe everything they are told if it corresponds to what they want. They see only what they want to see and hear only what they want to hear. Denial helps codependents live in a world of illusions, because the truth is very painful. Deceiving yourself is always a destructive process both for yourself and for others. Deception is a form of spiritual degradation. Codependents deny that they have signs of codependency. It is denial that prevents them from asking for help for themselves, prolongs and aggravates the patient’s addiction and keeps the entire family in a dysfunctional state.

Psychologist on Skype

6. Diseases caused by stress.

These are psychosomatic disorders in the form peptic ulcer stomach and duodenum, colitis, hypertension, headache, neurocirculatory dystonia, bronchial asthma, tachycardia, arrhythmia. Codependents get sick because they try to control something that is fundamentally uncontrollable (someone's life). They work hard and spend a lot of energy trying to survive. The emergence of psychosomatic diseases indicates the progression of codependency.

7. Defeat of the spiritual sphere.

Spirituality within the framework of the concept of codependency is defined as the quality of relationships with the subject (person) or object that is most important in life. The most significant and valuable are relationships with yourself, with family, society and God. If the patient, as the disease develops, these relationships and the values associated with them are replaced by relationships with chemical, then for codependents – pathologically altered relationships with a sick family member.

How to get rid of codependency?

You need to get rid of old habits of behavior. They are the ones who can contribute to relapse. in this case, the focus is not on one patient, it also includes his family. After all, addiction is a family disease, so treatment and prevention should also be family.
Psychological help for codependents gives them huge benefits in the form of improvement and personal growth, as well as their relatives suffering from addiction, and children growing up in the family. For children, this is an essential element in preventing the development of addiction. It should be recalled that children with addiction constitute a group high risk development of dependence on both psychoactive substances and its non-chemical forms - workaholism, gambling addiction, fanatical commitment to any activity, overeating, love addiction.
Involving the family in therapy speeds up and improves the recovery process of a patient with addiction, reduces the level of stress among relatives, and increases the level of family cohesion.
Recommended psychological counseling women in partnerships with men addicted to alcohol. Counseling can progress into long-term productive psychotherapy.
There is ample evidence of the greater effectiveness of treatment for alcoholism with the involvement of the social environment, in particular the family. The family can both contribute to the recovery of the patient and “get better” themselves.

45 clergy and volunteers of the Kamensk diocese took part in a two-day seminar “Codependency: theory and practice.” The purpose of the classes is to help parishioners whose loved ones suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.

The seminar was organized by the Coordination Center for Combating Drug Addiction of the Synodal Department for church charity and social service and the Saint's Charitable Foundation righteous John Kronstadt.

Codependency is a topic that is close and understandable to everyone. To the question of the presenters, “Are there anyone in the audience whose relatives do not suffer from any kind of addiction?” Only one hand went up. Moreover, most often it is not the addicts themselves, but their mothers and wives who go to the priests with their troubles...

To help addicts, you need to start with codependents. This idea was initially tried to be conveyed to the participants of the seminar by its presenters - psychologist-consultant of the department for prevention and rehabilitation of addictions of the Krasnoyarsk diocese, Deacon Rodion Petrikov and psychologist charitable foundation“Diakonia” (St. Petersburg) Nikolai Ekimov.

Very often, without realizing it, it is mothers, fathers, wives, grandmothers who, with their codependency, “feed” the addiction of an alcoholic or drug addict - they pity, indulge, protect, deprive of responsibility, and allow manipulation. As a result, they do not allow you to begin to recover. The realization of this fact was a real discovery for many of the seminar participants.

“It’s not me who has problems, it’s him...”

When asking for help, relatives of addicts are often sure that they themselves do not have problems, the whole problem is with their drinking husband or son. “Do something with him,” is what they say most often.

However, drunkenness or drug use is only the visible part of the problem, the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. Psychologist Rodion Petrikov clearly showed that it is based on disharmony family relations, which, in turn, is based on the spiritual crisis of the family. It turns out to be a triangle-pyramid.

The presenter gave an example. At the reception, the woman says that 3 years ago her husband began using hashish. This happened after “we coded it.” Along the way, it turns out that the man is also cheating on his wife, although he has no intention of leaving her. “He’s behind me like behind a stone wall,” the woman explains. She is the breadwinner in the family, and her husband practically does not work.

“There is disharmony in this family,” Father Rodion explains. – After coding, the man stopped drinking, but the addiction itself did not disappear, because its support remained. And, like the Serpent Gorynych, in the place of one severed head another grew... The woman does not give her husband responsibility, and his dissatisfaction seeks outlets in alcohol, drugs, infidelity...

Relationships between spouses and between parents and children can be disharmonious in a family. The origins of disharmony in a future family are laid in childhood. In our example, the woman was also brought up in a disharmonious family: the father drank, and the mother alone bore the brunt of everything...

– But is it really just a matter of who is more important in the family and earns more? – one of the priests asked a question. – The main thing is that there is no love, no responsibility in this family...

“That’s absolutely true,” agreed Rodion Petrikov. – The spiritual crisis (the basis of our triangle) is the deep basis of all troubles. Life without God, outside the church sacraments. If we change this foundation, everything will get better. St. Augustine said back in the 4th century: “If God is in first place, then everything else is in its place.”

According to the presenters, it is necessary to work on all three “fronts” of the triangle - at the level of addiction itself, at the level of relationships in the family and at the level of spirituality.

What is codependency?

Codependency is not just a close relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. Codependency is the behavior of loved ones, completely subordinated to the life and actions of the dependent person.

A codependent mother focuses all her thoughts only on her drug-addicted son, forgetting about her husband, other children and grandchildren, about rest and her other needs. Such a woman constantly feels heartache, guilt, shame, hatred, resentment. She cannot think rationally and soberly. She in Once again believes his son, who begs for money under some plausible pretext, or even simply gives it to him for drugs - in order to avoid a scandal, for fear of making the family misfortune public... There may be other manifestations of codependent behavior.

“Codependency has its origins in a dysfunctional family, where one of the parents was either chemically dependent or an alcoholic, and this illness was hidden,” added Nikolai Ekimov. – A family is a system: if one member is sick, then the whole system is sick. In such families, lying is encouraged and use is covered. There is a lot of shame, dishonesty and it is not common to talk openly about your feelings. Children from such a family, when they become adults, also choose dependent people as husbands, whom they need to look after, who need to be controlled...

Codependency is based on three pillars: 1) low self-esteem, 2) a compulsive desire to control the lives of others, 3) a desire to take care of others, to save others.

Why is it necessary to work with codependents?

The presenters gave several arguments why it is necessary to work with codependents.

Argument 1: The retinue plays the king. This has, in fact, already been said above. It is the wrong behavior of loved ones that is fertile ground for addiction to flourish. They feed, give money, wash, settle things, turn a blind eye to many things, etc.

– When parents or wife realize that they are behaving incorrectly, they will knock out the ground for addiction. The addict, left alone with his illness, will be forced to begin to recover,” the presenter noted.

Argument 2: There are several codependents, but there is only one dependent. And the more codependents “sober up,” the more successful the recovery of an alcoholic or drug addict will be.

A specific case: the parents moved their son, a drug addict, to another apartment and stopped giving him money for drugs. But, as it turned out, only his mother stopped financing his addiction, and his father, having lost all hope and fearing other problems, secretly transferred money to his son.

Often the grandmother is the “malicious agent”. Wanting to be in demand and having a false understanding of love and care, she fuels her grandson’s addiction.

Argument 3: Codependency is older than addiction. As a result of family disharmony, codependency is formed - and addiction grows on the soil prepared for it.

Nikolai Ekimov gave an interesting example: sometimes grandmothers who are raising grandchildren whose parents died from heroin come to see him. At first, the subject of women’s codependency was dependent children, now – dependent grandchildren...

Argument 4: Codependency kills. If codependency is not treated, everything can end in disaster.

Psychological illness can lead to heart attack, stroke, stomach ulcers... and even suicide. Here are the words of one woman, approximately 45 years old: “My son uses heroin. He lives separately, but every morning, when my husband is already at work, he comes to our house - eats and washes himself. This has been going on for 2 years now, and I don’t have the courage to close the door in front of him... If I commit suicide to get out of this system, maybe at least then my son will somehow change..."

How the priests fed the “elephant”

The seminar format was very lively. The participants showed concern and activity - they asked questions and expressed their opinions, shared their experiences, sometimes even interjecting themselves into the presentations of the presenters. They also enjoyed participating in discussions and games. One of them is the “Elephant Menu”. The goal of the game is to understand and feel what codependency feeds on.

First of all, we assigned the roles: Dependent (in our case it was an alcoholic), Hangover, Aggression, Lies, Loneliness, Isolation, Denial, Laziness, Parasitism, Indifference... Alcoholic (played by Irina, a representative of a public teetotal organization) and all the vices that followed with their tails, wandered around the hall, made their way between those sitting, touched them, disturbed them, made noise... Naturally, everyone had few pleasant sensations.

This sketch is an illustration of what happens in a family where there is an addict. In the “second act of the play,” the Alcoholic and all his baggage surrounded Mom. Volunteer Larisa, who played this role, shared her feelings: “It was stuffy, they all got in my way, got in the way, annoyed me. I was angry, but I felt sorry for Alcoholic, because he is my son. I wanted to cut off his entire unpleasant tail..."

Why don’t parents cut off the “tail” and what do they continue to feed the “elephant” - codependent relationships? Participants had to find and justify answers to this question, breaking into groups of 5-6 people.

As a result, the “elephant” menu included: material support for the addict, food and shelter for him; pity for yourself and for him; fear of publicity; fear of saying “no”; guilt; life series in the form of scandals; fear of the addict’s aggression; misunderstood parental responsibility; certain benefits due to the addict’s feelings of guilt... The last point is, for example, when a wife receives some kind of gift from her husband, who has recovered from heavy drinking.

Say no and face the truth

The discussion about the “elephant” menu was very heated. Nikolai Ekimov commented in detail on some of the “dishes”, giving examples from his practice.

About the fear of publicity. Codependent people live in a feeling of shame. They do not know how and are afraid to ask others for help, for example, their neighbors. When parents create such a shell - a facade of visible well-being, children begin to grow up in madness: they see that dad drinks, but mom says that dad is fine and is just sick. It is important to convince codependent people to open up - it will become easier for them.

About the feeling of guilt. Codependent people are characterized by low self-esteem and insecurity stemming from childhood. Addicts take advantage of this by manipulating a loved one. “It’s your fault that I was raised this way” - such a phrase disarms the unfortunate mother. But she must understand that her dependent son is simply skillfully “cheating” her.

About fear of aggression. Mothers often come to groups for codependents, whose children raise their hands against them, bring company home and arrange “jazz kvass”. At this time, mom sits like a mouse and waits for it all to end. After about ten lessons, people change: the mother, who used to be a mouse, now first warns and then calls the police. And the son begins to feel this and is forced to change.

About the fear of saying “no.” The word “no” is one of the key skills for codependents. Addicts often cheat and extort money supposedly for dental treatment, to pay off loans, or because “otherwise they will kill me.” The word “no” should be tough, without any justification (“I can’t, I don’t have money”). There can be only one explanation: because I don’t want to support your illness. You need to stand your ground, no matter what manipulations the addict comes up with. When a codependent learns to face the truth, when he learns to say “no,” then he will achieve sobriety and codependency will disappear.

– What if a mother gives money so that her son doesn’t kill anyone for money? – one of the priests asked a question.

– One of the problems of codependency is intrusive thoughts, which are constantly spinning in my head. They appear due to severe anxiety. Thinking that something terrible might happen, the mother justifies her wrong actions...

You can look at the situation this way: if a criminal comes to you and says “give me money, otherwise I will kill the person,” will you give the money? Of course, anything can happen. But by saying “no,” we surrender it to the will of God and the will of this person. And we pray that everything will work out...

– Is the phrase “Better to drink than to inject drugs” codependency? – another question from the seminar participants.

- Certainly. Sometimes they say this in their last breath from powerlessness, from being involved in controlling an addicted person.

– What words can help an addict?

“I’m sincerely sad about what’s happening to you. I see that you are suffering from your addiction, I can give you addresses and contacts of centers where they can help you. But, unfortunately, I can’t do more for you, because your illness is beyond my competence, I cannot cope with your illness.” These will no longer be the words of a codependent, but of a recovering person.

“Rope”: the essence of codependent relationships

The discussion of the short film “Rope” was held with great interest. The 10-minute plot is as follows. Two people have their backs turned to each other and are tied with rope. A man drags a girl on him: at first she resists, screams, but then resigns herself. Along the way, this strange couple, wandering near some slums, comes across vicious individuals who insult the girl. And when suddenly she meets a person who decides to help her and unties the rope, the girl herself begins to tighten it again...

It is unlikely that this film left anyone indifferent. One of the women cried while watching...

During small group discussions, seminar participants had to answer the following questions: Why don’t the characters talk? Who is dependent and who is codependent? What can a rope symbolize? What is the goal of the heroes? Who or what do the characters you meet along the way symbolize? What does a person who does them good do to the boundaries of a couple?

Each of the participants understood the film-metaphor about the essence of codependent relationships, recognized as the best at the Seattle International Film Festival, in their own way. But the essence of the exercise was not a single correct interpretation seen, but to feel, realize, hear the opinions and some experience of others...

The priest is on the “throne” of the addict

Another interesting one role-playing game. IN leading role(Dependent) - Archpriest Igor Smolin. His task is to swing while standing on a chair. He can afford this because he is surrounded by a Mother, a Wife, a Friend, a Priest, a Chief, who, with their arms outstretched, do not allow him to fall. Father Igor got so into the role that the other “actors” needed great physical effort to keep him from falling. As a result, the violent Addict was picked up by a Friend, played by Priest Igor Aksenov, to the general laughter of the seminar participants.

The point of this game is to clearly demonstrate how codependents support drug addiction or alcoholism loved one. It seems to them that by preventing them from falling, they are saving their husband or son. In fact, they contribute to the progression of addiction.

“As soon as I stood on the “throne of the king,” I determined the rules of the game,” he shared his feelings main character Igor Smolin. “I realized which of my loved ones I can rely on more reliably.” And I felt the right to use these relationships with impunity...

“This is how a drug addict very clearly traces his surroundings - who can help with money, who will be sorry, who will feed him,” commented Nikolai Ekimov.

The main character was asked:

– And if everyone moved away, would you continue to swing?

- Of course not.

The presenter noted:

– For some reason, all codependents are sure that if they stop controlling the addict, he will break his nose. But this is unlikely to happen. And if it happens, the person will feel what a broken nose is. And then he will make a decision: to go for treatment or continue using. But while he is surrounded by support and control, he has no opportunity to feel the risk zone and his fall. By delaying adverse consequences, codependents aggravate the disease.

Rodion Petrikov presented the following universal recommendations to the seminar participants:

1. Start with yourself. The meaning of this rule is in the words of the Savior: “...first remove the beam from your own eye, and then you will see how to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

The validity of this rule is confirmed, for example, by the following story. Once a woman came to Father Rodion asking for help: the eldest son was a drug addict and alcoholic, the middle son was a drug addict, the youngest was a slacker... The mother was asked to start with herself and overcome some of her problems. bad habit. It turned out that there is such a problem - smoking. The woman gave up cigarettes and joined the spiritual life... Seven years have passed. Today, the eldest of the sons has his own production, he is married and has children. The middle son works for his older brother until he is married. A younger son became a clergyman...

“This rule also applies to those who help codependents,” added Rodion Petrikov. – When we start with ourselves, we look at a person not with aloof professional interest, but with the understanding that this is the same person as you.

2. Reach agreement. We are talking about the agreement of all family members in understanding the addict’s illness and ways to overcome it. If there is no such agreement, then the situation resembles a fable about a swan, crayfish and pike.

And at the same time, if at least one person in the family begins to recover, then gradually, albeit slowly, the whole system will change.

3. Stop ridding the addict of negative consequences behavior. The presenter recalled the parable about prodigal son: the father allowed his beloved son, who accepted half of the inheritance, to squander it, reach the bottom and, having come to his senses, return to his father’s house. Consequences are the only resource to understand that a person is going the wrong way.

4. Provide the addict with information about help. Stopping being codependent does not mean brushing aside the problems of your husband or son. Stepping aside, it is important to give contacts - to build a bridge to the recovery of a loved one. Moreover, it is important to give not just one telephone address of a rehabilitation center or specialist, but several: the effect of choice is triggered.

By the way, Rodion Petrikov gave his phone numbers and other contacts to the participants of the seminar - anyone who wants to recover can contact them.

5. Prayer.“This is the last on the list, but the first in importance,” noted Father Rodion. – It is not possible to bring a problem to the height of spiritual understanding right away: first, it is important to answer the queries that people consider “daily bread”...

The presenter noted that praying parents should not only repent of their own sin (that they did not raise their son as a Christian and sinned themselves), but also thank God for the trouble that came. After all, it is thanks to this that a person finally begins to grow spiritually. That's St. Augustine said: “The Lord calls to himself three times: with a whisper of love, with the voice of obstacles, with the scourge of suffering”...

Wonderful words have been said about the power of a mother’s prayer: a mother’s prayer can reach you from the bottom of the sea, a mother’s prayer is higher than the prayer of the elders... Often, having learned about the importance of a mother’s prayer, a woman gains new strength.

And one more recommendation. It was not mentioned in this presentation, but it was discussed in another topic. The main priority in a family where there is an addict should be his recovery. Neither work, nor the opinions of others, nor anything else. For example, it happens that an addict suddenly refuses to go to a rehabilitation center for the reason that he was offered money job. “I’ll work on a rotational basis, earn money, and then I’ll pay for rehabilitation,” he explains. And the parents... agree. They motivate him: otherwise he will lose his job! Such a shift in values cannot be allowed.

Learn pastoral sense...

A lot of interesting and useful things were said at the seminar. It’s simply impossible to tell everything. In addition to the knowledge gained during the classes, the clergy received lists of references, Internet links and various contacts. We also talked to each other and shared our experiences. Almost everyone was unanimous - the seminar was very useful.

Certificates were solemnly presented to the participants of the seminar “Codependency: Theory and Practice” by Bishop Methodius of Kamensk and Alapaevsk. He noted the main point of the seminar: the knowledge gained should help clergy communicate with this category of parishioners.

– In spiritual educational institutions They teach liturgy and dogmatics, but they practically do not teach how to be a shepherd or lead a parish. And working with people is the hardest thing. We need to learn pastoral instincts...

– When you become imbued with such a problem, you understand that you don’t have to rely on just three pieces of advice: confess, take communion and fast. Our task is to help a person stand correctly before God.

Opinions about the seminar of participants

Archpriest Nikolai Trushnikov, rector of the parish in the name of the holy vice Elijah in Artemovsky:

– I didn’t even expect that the seminar would be so interesting and useful. Although after the classes I was left with a feeling of “undernourishment”: I want to learn even more deeply about the problem. But the important thing is that the seed has been given, the stimulus and ideas have appeared. What I couldn’t decide for myself before can now be solved.

I started working with alcohol addicts about 20 years ago. Lately When the groups were recruited, few addicts came - mostly codependents. But there was no knowledge to work with them. Now they have appeared. In the fall I want to start leading small groups for codependents...

Priest Alexander Kropotukhin, rector of the parish of the Nativity of John the Baptist in the village of Kochnevskoye, Beloyarsk deanery:

– The problem is very relevant, but there was not enough knowledge. Now they are. I have already received tangible benefits from the seminar. There are specific problems in my environment for which I have not seen solutions before. He hesitated, not knowing how to act. Now I have a clear vision - I know where to go, to whom and what to say.

Archpriest Nikolai Neustroev, rector of the parish in the name of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker in Zarechny:

– The seminar is a very useful thing. Unfortunately, we mostly stew in our own juices, and problematic issues when communicating with parishioners, in particular with codependents, they hang in the air. Often we are not able to deal with these problems in a qualified manner. The nature of communication with the parish homeless people, who skillfully press for pity, showed that I, too, are codependent... But after the seminar, knowledge appeared and my mood lifted. I wanted to bring all the information received into the system. The presenters provided links, direct telephone contacts - this is a help and an incentive... Now I am looking closely at advanced, educated young parishioners: perhaps someone could work with codependents.

Priest Nikolai Reshetnikov, rector of the Holy Trinity Bishop's Compound in Irbit:

– The problem of codependency is understandable, but for our work we lacked the exact language – the correct explanation of the situation... At the parish we tried to put the lives of such people on a spiritual basis – so that through confession and the sacraments of the Church they would calm their inner state and look at the situation with different eyes. This helped many women. And they made tough decisions regarding drinking husbands: decided to live alone. As a result, over time, the husband took a vow of sobriety and tried to live correctly... Now, having received new knowledge, we will be able to help more...

I would also like to note this point: many problems can be avoided if you engage in raising children from the very beginning. early age. After all, we begin to be codependent from the birth of a child: we are ready to do anything to stop crying. The state should be aimed at improving society not only in terms of drug addiction, but also in terms of raising children.

Priest Alexy Lebedev, rector of the Pokrovsky parish in the village of Lugovsky, Talitsa-Tugulym deanery:

– Excellent and very popular seminar. I often encounter the problem of codependency: people come to church, but do not want to accept help. You tell them that they need to work on themselves, too, and they answer exactly as they said at the seminar: they say, it’s not me who has the problems... Or such an example. A woman comes: her husband is drinking. I’ll let you read the book “Codependency” by Zaitsev. “Yes, father, this is about me,” she admits. The advice helps, my husband hasn’t drunk for two months. But then - all over again. It turns out that a wife can drink herself in front of her husband. “But I’m on holidays, little one...”

A very important question - a codependent needs to start with himself. And clergy involved in helping addicts and codependents also need to start with themselves. Otherwise, people will not have trust... We decided to make our parish sober. And in 2 years, 16 parishioners - addicts and codependents - have taken a vow of sobriety.

I am very grateful to the organizers and presenters for the seminar. By acquiring new knowledge, we will “grow for the glory of God, for the consolation of parents, the Church and the Fatherland for the benefit.”

Archpriest Evgeny Taushkanov, rector of the Intercession parish in the village of Volkovo, dean of the Kamensk city deanery:

– I learned a lot of new and useful things at the seminar. I had the opportunity to combine theory with practice on the very first day: I left classes a little early - I had to participate in the commission on juvenile affairs. Among the “patients” there were two drug addicts - 14 and 15 years old. The knowledge I gained during the day of the seminar was very useful to me in conversations with parents. He explained: you need to start with yourself, destroy the child’s power over you. And at the same time begin building a spiritual foundation...

Unfortunately, our experience in working with drug addicts, from the 90s to the 2000s, was not entirely successful. And only now, after this seminar, did we realize the mistakes we had made. Our main mistake is that we paid more attention to the drug addicts themselves, but we missed the codependents. But it is in the family that people spend most of their time. The main task is to teach parents how to behave correctly. Now the problem of drug addiction is rising again, and now it is important not to miss the parents...

Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change things. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships and should strive for greater self-compassion and self-understanding

Codependency is often misunderstood. This is not just a label that society puts on the wife of an alcoholic. The phenomenon of codependency covers wide range behaviors and thought patterns that cause mental suffering of varying degrees of intensity.

Codependency

I hope this article will clear up some of the misconceptions about codependency and help you understand it better.

1. Codependency is a reaction to trauma.

You can develop codependent traits starting with early childhood ,as a way to cope with violence, chaos or dysfunction in the family. As a child and in stressful situation, you have learned that maintaining peace and calm by caring for others, denying your own feelings and trying to control everything around you is they are ways to survive and cope with the frightening and unpredictable life at home.

For some people, the injury may be hidden, almost unnoticeable. Even if you had a “normal” childhood, you may be experiencing “generational trauma” if your parents or close relatives passed on their own patterns of responding to traumatic experiences.

2. Codependency is full of shame.

Psychologists define shame as a person's intense, painful belief that he is imperfect, flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and acceptance. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families come to the conclusion early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Your parents may have told you this directly, calling you stupid or worthless, or you may have received this message when they blamed you for their own problems.

We know that addiction, violence or mental illness leave a “stigma of shame”, so we are afraid to admit these problems to ourselves.

Shame grows when we cannot tell others about our difficulties, we feel alone and inferior, as if these problems are our fault and a direct result of our shortcomings.

We come to believe that we are not as good as others, and this belief is further strengthened if others treat us poorly, reject us, or abandon us.

3. Codependency is an unhealthy focus on the problems, feelings and needs of other people.

Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and take our minds off our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process.

The relationship becomes an obsession so that it is difficult to leave even when you realize that it is unhealthy. Your self-esteem and sense of personal identity are based on your relationships.

You may be asking yourself, “Who am I and what will I do without my husband (wife, child, or parent)?” This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which you are unsure of who you really are.

4. Codependent people are very sensitive to criticism.

Codependent people are overly sensitive. Their feelings are easily hurt and they face a lot of pain, shame and criticism in their lives.

We do everything to avoid the displeasure of others. We take second place to making others happy. We try to remain “small and invisible” as much as possible so as not to attract attention to ourselves.

5. Codependents are overly responsible.

Codependency is the glue that holds a family together. We have to make sure the house rent is paid, the kids go to basketball, and the windows are closed so the neighbors don't hear any arguing or shouting.

Most of us were very responsible children who took care of our parents, siblings, did household chores, and managed our homework without parental help. We find it easier to care for others than for ourselves. We gain self-esteem when we feel responsible, reliable, and hard-working.

But we pay a high price for this when we overestimate our strengths, become workaholics, or accumulate grievances when we realize that our contribution to the relationship is much greater than that of others.

6. Codependency isolates us from our own feelings.

Avoiding painful feelings is another strategy that codependents often use.. But because we can't selectively tune out just painful feelings, we tune out everyone.
It becomes more difficult for us to fully enjoy the joys of life.

Even painful and unpleasant feelings give us important clues about what we need. For example, if your colleague publicly took credit for your success, it would be natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. These feelings tell you that you have been wronged, that it is wrong, and you need to figure out how to deal with it.

And if you pretend or convince yourself that you are not hurt or angry, you will allow others to continue to exploit you or hurt you in some other way.

7. Codependents don't ask for what they need.

One of the results of suppressing feelings is that we cease to understand what we need. And it is impossible to satisfy our own needs or ask others to satisfy them when we have no idea what they are.

This is a consequence of low self-esteem when we do not feel worthy of asking our partner, friends or employer for what we need.

The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask others to listen to them. Of course, asking does not guarantee that your wishes will be granted, but the likelihood of this increases when we ask assertively (confidently) rather than remaining passive (or waiting to explode until we are filled with rage).

8. Codependents continue to give even when it hurts them.

Caring and adaptability are signs of codependency. What makes these in general positive traits unhealthy? That codependent people invest their time, energy and even money into helping and caring for others, even when it causes them suffering and hardship.

This concern also causes us to become immune to being deceived or taken advantage of. We have difficulty setting boundaries and cannot achieve a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.

9. Codependency is not a symptom of a mental disorder.

Many people with codependency have clinical significant level anxiety, depression, suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, but Codependency in itself is not a mental disorder.

Remember that seeking advice from a psychotherapist does not mean that there is something wrong with you. You may feel empty or inadequate, but that doesn't mean you are!

10. You can change your codependent behavior pattern.

A person can recover from codependency. I'm not going to lie to you and say it will be easy, but it is possible. Change is a gradual process that requires practice and openness, a willingness to try new behaviors and be awkward and uncomfortable at first.

Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change things. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships and should strive for greater self-compassion and self-understanding.posted by .

By Sharon Martin

Codependency is a specific condition that is characterized by intense absorption and preoccupation, as well as extreme dependence (emotional, social, and sometimes physical) on a person or thing.

Codependency is characterized by:

excessive preoccupation with someone or something;
delusions, denial, self-deception;
an obsessive need to perform certain actions in relation to other people (to take care of, control, suppress, be indignant, etc.);
the habit of experiencing the same feelings (self-pity, anger, irritation, etc.);
“frozen” feelings and related communication problems, intimate relationships and so on.;
inability to differentiate between responsibility for oneself and for another;
loss of the sense of internal boundaries (both one’s own and others’);
low self-esteem bordering on self-hatred;
health problems caused by constant stress;
focusing on the external environment;
inability to ask for help. Work algorithm
P a g e 1 - What is happening to me?

The client talks about what is happening in his life and what worries him. This is the initial stage at which the following tasks can be solved:

1) problem identification;
2) ending the “vow of silence”
3) asking for help.

P a g e II - Who am I?

Here the client talks about himself and his experiences. Problems being solved:

1) satisfaction of one’s own needs as a way of life;
2) the ability to express painful experiences;
3) natural expression of feelings of fear and guilt.

P a g e III - Whom I want to become?

Many changes are possible when a person in recovery feels free to choose new beliefs, behaviors, and perspectives. Problems being solved:

1) the recovery process is more of an adventure than a goal;
2) self-forgiveness;
3) forgiveness.

Areas of work with codependent clients

1. Working with past experience

- Listening;

— Event recovery;

— Reconstruction of past experience;

— Art therapy techniques;

— Dramatization;

— Gestalt therapy techniques (empty chair, shuttle movement), etc.

Exercise

Make two lists. In the first, list all the things that your parents, teachers, or other adults did and said to you while you were growing up that, in your opinion, did not benefit you at all and were even harmful to some extent. In the second, indicate everything that your parents, teachers and other adults didn't say or do for you, and what you now believe would benefit you if they said and did it.

Once you've completed your lists, review them, taking note of the following. The items on the first list indicate everything for which you have not forgiven your parents. This is what holds you back and contributes to your codependency. The second list contains all the things you still hope someone else will do for you. You will have to take on these concerns yourself or ask your parents to do this, and if this is not possible, then ask other people to help you meet these needs.

Meditation “I Throw Out Old Messages”

Who told me that I was bad or not what I should be? Am I still letting someone tell me these things?

Take a deep breath and breathe in love, peace and joy. Breathe out negative messages. So, inhale - love, exhale - negative instructions. Feel how they hang, break and wail...

2. Return of responsibility

— Increasing the level of awareness;

— Focusing on the client’s potential, his strength and resilience;

— Emphasizing its influence on one’s own life;

— Provocative techniques, etc.

Exercise

To feel the advantages and disadvantages of 2 positions: “responsibility for others” and “responsible attitude towards others,” continue the unfinished sentences:
- being responsible for me means...
- some people are more responsible than others, they are people who...
- irresponsible people are...
- I show my responsibility to others through...
- The most difficult type of responsibility for me is...
- I recognize a responsible person by...
- The stronger my responsibility, the more I...
- I would be afraid to be responsible for... being responsible towards myself is...
- I am responsible for…
Exercise

Over a certain period of time, track your sensations, feelings, thoughts, actions, mentally naming them and adding the phrase “And this is what I do.”

3. Setting boundaries

— Setting in therapeutic work;

— Playing out distancing and setting boundaries in existing relationships with other people in a session with the therapist;

— Acceptance of oneself as a value, another as an individual person, etc.

Statements that give a feeling of acceptance:

The feeling of separateness says that you and I are two unique and not tightly connected individuals. You have your own feelings, attitude towards everything and your own values. And what you are is very good in my eyes. And what I am is good in your eyes.

The feeling of separateness says you can take care of yourself and I can take care of me. For each of us, taking care of ourselves is a primary responsibility. I am not responsible for your destiny, and you are not responsible for my destiny (meaning adult relationships).

If I really care about you and like you, then I will let you be the captain of your own ship, which can steer its own course. If you like me, then you will allow me to do the same with my life.

I will greatly appreciate it if you share your feelings with me, including unpleasant feelings about what I do or say. But let me decide for myself whether to change my behavior or not.

4. Working with self-esteem

— Research of the client, his qualities and achievements;

— Creating a situation of support and acceptance;

— Work with the inner Parent, etc.

Exercise

Make a list of your values. Write everything that is important to you. Next, put from 0 to 100% how much you realize this value in your life (WITHOUT THINKING!!). For example, caring is valuable to me. How capable am I of giving this to people? Let's say 30%. ...we put it on. Another value is money. Sales by 20%.

Next to it we also put % how much I want to realize this value in life. Next, we decipher each point: care for me... we write everything down in detail until we fully understand the essence! For example, care is 70% of dissatisfaction: what is included in this 70%. Let's describe the points in detail: 1) I miss close people nearby. 2) I can’t show affection, etc. Everything that comes to mind.
If we value something, but do not implement it in life, there are major failures in self-esteem. This is where we are most dissatisfied with ourselves.

Exercise

Make two lists:

1. 10 qualities, skills, character traits that, in your opinion, helped to achieve any positive changes in your life.

2. 10 qualities, traits, habits that prevent you from achieving what you want in life.
After compiling these lists, answer the question: how do you feel about the same qualities in other people? Is your attitude towards yourself different here from your attitude towards them? Any of our qualities in the body exists for a reason. It has a useful function, that's why it exists. Until we notice this, we cannot use it, and even wear out these traits in ourselves. As a rule, unsuccessfully. I suggest that you do not fight these qualities, but find out what their meaning and purpose are.

Take the second list and imagine that each quality on that list actually serves an important role. Try to discover, or guess, or come up with which one and why is it important? If you manage to discover, you will see that this quality is actually your strength. Now that you know this, you can use it better, at more appropriate times, and without side effects.

If there is a quality that we cannot tolerate in ourselves at all, imagine it in the form of an image. And communicate with this image. In this case, look for everything that is useful for you or for others (this will be a way to satisfy some need) And find another way that is more adequate to satisfy this need.

Exercise

In the left column, type or write carefully, with pressure, slowly your most positive statement, and on the right, quickly write what the treacherous voice of your inner critic whispers.

Keep writing the same statement on the left until the traitorous voice is exhausted.

5. Differentiation of needs

— Increasing the level of client awareness;

— Decrease internal control;

— Sensitivity to one’s own needs during the session, etc.

Exercise

Imagine that you are seized by complete madness, let go of your inner censor. Mentally describe yourself. What kind of crazy are you? Build your story in the first person, starting with the phrase “I'm completely crazy.” Tell us your medical history. How did this happen? Where will you end up in this state at the end of your life? Now imagine that your madness is a sophisticated way to satisfy your need. Which one? How do you like this discovery? Finish by separating the fantasy in the exercise from reality.

6. Working with feelings and emotions

— Awareness and expression of feelings and emotions;

— Art therapy techniques;

— Dramatization;

— Training in ways of effective and acceptable expression of emotions, methods of relaxation, techniques of body-oriented therapy. etc.

Exercise

Keep a journal of feelings. Make a list of the feelings you experienced during the day. Write down in your journal when you experience each feeling, where you experience it, and any expression of the feeling, if any. If you wish, you can record only those cases when you felt or were aware of the feeling, but did not experience or do not remember its manifestations. After some time, chart your progress. Note in your journal what feelings you can recognize but cannot express. Write down specific feelings that are missing from your list.

Exercise

Complete the table by placing the answers in the empty cells. In the second column, describe your possible reactions to the feelings, the names of which are given in the corresponding cells of the first column. Remember that a reaction is an impulsive, unhealthy type of behavior aimed at stopping a particular feeling. In the third column, in the appropriate boxes, describe the appropriate response actions you could take if such a feeling arises. Remember that response is the right type of behavior that promotes the liberation of feelings.

Healthy Ways to Manage Feelings

When you feel angry, scared or irritated, speak up and ask others for what you want.

Use your feelings to help you make decisions.

Identify each feeling separately. Don't use one to block the other.

Own your feelings and take responsibility for your feelings.

Realize that you can think and feel at the same time, and do it.

Recognize your “scandalous” feelings and don’t use them to manipulate other people.

Express your feelings immediately and do not accumulate them.

Treat your feelings as friends and allies, not as enemies to be avoided.

Allow yourself to experience your feelings as they arise as fully as possible.

Don't forget that there are no “bad feelings” and there is an important reason for each of them.

7. Teaching healthy relationship strategies

How to Recognize Codependent and Healthy Messages

Codependent Messages Healthy Messages

You're stubborn. You can ask for what you need.

You have to be perfect. You may be wrong.

Hurry up. You don't have to rush.

You have to adapt. You can think about whatever you want.

to others.

Do your best. You can do it.

You must be strong. You can feel and have needs.

You are special. You can be yourself.

Work hard. You can play and have fun.

You are confused. You can think and feel at the same time.

You're clueless. You can think and be effective.

Don't be so selfish. You can be casual.

You're stupid. You can be a creative person.

Are you sick or crazy? You can be good.

Always be right. You can admit that you are wrong.

You shouldn't trust others. You can trust others.

Be careful. You can relax and put (forget) everything out of your head.

You need to be dependent, You can be independent to be loved.

and loved ones.

How to Ask for What You Want: A Nine-Step Process

1. Provide an objective description of the problem or behavior (“When you get angry and scream…”)

3. Describe the impact or results of the problem on you and/or your relationship (“I want to run away from you and hide”).

4. Stop for a moment and listen to the other person's response or perception of the conflict.

5. State clearly what you want from the other person (“I want you to express your anger in words like: “I’m angry”).

6. Ask the other person clearly: “Would you like to...?” (“Would you like to tell me what you’re angry about instead of yelling at me?”)

7. Discuss whether there are differences between what you want and what the other person is willing to give or do. 8. If you cannot discuss disagreements, agree that you have differences of opinion (“I see that we cannot agree on this issue, and I accept our differences. Would you also agree to acknowledge our differences in glances?”)

9. If differences are insurmountable and the relationship ends, mark it with some kind of ending ritual. Write a letter in which you formulate your ideas about your unresolvable contradictions without accusations, looking at yourself and the other person on the good side. You may not send this letter or burn it.

Used literature and books in which you can learn about codependency in more detail:
- Robin Norwood "Women Who Love Too Much"
- Berry Weinhold, Janey Weinhold "Liberation from Codependency"
- Stanton Peele, Archie Brodsky "Love and Addiction"
- Mayer P., Minirt F., Hemfeld R. “Choose love (How to overcome codependency)”
- McAvoy E., Israelson S. “Marilyn Monroe Syndrome”
- Selani David "The Illusion of Love"
- Valentina Moskalenko “Addiction is a family disease” Elena Emelyanova “Triangles of suffering”
- Elena Emelyanova “Crisis in codependent relationships. Principles and algorithms of counseling
- Natalya Manukhina “Codependency through the eyes of a systemic therapist

Basically, those who are faced with the problem of drug addiction or alcoholism of a loved one deny in every possible way and do not understand that they themselves need help.

You have to hear the lines often different people similar in meaning: "I'm not sick! I don't need your help!" This denial is reminiscent of your loved one's irritated screams in response to an offered helping hand.

The goal of many rehabilitation programs is to address a number of issues that help reduce psychological qualities patient, which led him to use. And close people who are nearby at all stages of the development of the disease gradually and imperceptibly become codependent individuals who are no less in need of psychological and sometimes medical help.

Help for codependents. Codependency.

Codependency has many definitions due to the versatility of this phenomenon. Painful attachment, excessive preoccupation with someone and social, emotional, and sometimes physical dependence on this person includes the concept of codependency. The person whose loved one is taking drugs or alcohol destroys himself with such thoughts, feelings and behavior, thus wanting to protect himself from pain. Providing assistance to codependent parents (relatives of drug and alcohol addicts)- a task no less difficult and important than the treatment of drug addiction or alcoholism itself.

The worst thing is that relatives of chemically dependent people do not change when they stop using. They are constantly missing something: either their son/daughter is recovering slowly, or it’s time to get a job... They cannot calm down in their desire to remake the lives of others. This desire can affect their own lives in detrimental ways and result in impulsive behavior. Codependent may start playing cards for money, become uncontrollable with food, have many love affairs...

Help for codependent parents, relatives and friends of drug addicts and alcoholics in Kaluga

Based on all of the above, the conclusion suggests itself that parents, relatives and friends of drug addicts and alcoholics need help no less. In Kaluga, Tula, and Moscow there are groups of codependents, where people with the same problems support each other. The help of volunteers from the Mercy ministry will help you leave your loved ones alone and work on yourself. To leave alone does not mean to stop caring and loving, but to stop putting pressure, covering up mistakes and influencing him/her.

The "Mercy" ministry is a social rehabilitation of alcohol and drug addicts, as well as assistance to codependent parents, relatives and friends of drug addicts, alcoholics (codependents) in Kaluga, Obninsk, Tula, Orel, Voronezh, Bryansk, Moscow, Moscow region.

Rehabilitation Ministry "Mercy".