Getting out of codependency: psychotherapeutic ways to cope with dependence on another. Steps to overcome codependency

In families in which a loved one suffers from diseases such as alcoholism, drug addiction, the entire household suffers. In addition, there is big risk that one or more family members may develop codependency. It aggravates the patient's condition and harms others. This is why you should overcome codependency in this condition?

What is codependency

This problem has psychological reasons. It occurs in those close to you from alcoholism - wife, children, mother. If so, my husband might get caught in the net.

Codependency in alcoholism is complete dissolution in the addict. It is expressed in the fact that family life is subject to the desires and aspirations of the alcoholic. They wash him, clean up after him, all the problems he causes in drunk, trying to decide for him. They feel sorry for the addict and justify any of his actions, hiding the fact of alcoholism.

Thus, the close environment creates greenhouse conditions for such a person - he does not need to be responsible for anything, all problems are resolved by themselves.

Causes of codependency

One of the family members is the most common source of such subordination among loved ones. However, this phenomenon can manifest itself in other conditions and even in completely prosperous families. Therefore, in order to determine if there is codependency in alcoholism, and how to get rid of it, you should understand what the hidden reasons for such behavior are.

The sources of an unpleasant phenomenon in favorable conditions can be:

insufficient self-realization of the individual;
childhood abuse;
suffered shocks and states of shock;
permanent

Codependency usually affects the life of the entire family. It manifests itself in excessive care shown by one family member towards others, infringement of one’s own interests, and the desire to show everyone that life is prosperous.

Alcohol codependency and its signs

It is quite difficult for a person to accept the fact of submission. Most people completely deny codependency in alcoholism. What to do in such a situation? Initially, you should accept this problem. To do this, analyze the following criteria as honestly as possible.

Signs of alcohol codependency include:

An excessive desire to control all the actions of the alcoholic. This leads to the drinker losing the ability to take responsibility for his actions.
Constant self-deception that everything is fine and there is no problem.
The lifestyle of a drunken person becomes commonplace. The family is ready to endure anything.
Tolerance for drunken antics and the prevailing lifestyle increases.
Own interests and needs are relegated to the background.
The codependent feels guilty.
Self-esteem decreases.
A codependent is prone to depression and often has thoughts of suicide.
Tendency to tearfulness.
Problems arise when communicating with people.
The codependent stops taking care of himself.

Such people, no less than the alcoholic himself, need psychological assistance. Can't be ignored this problem. Only competent specialists can help resolve such situations.

Psychological model

Experts believe that codependency resembles the “persecutor-victim-savior” model. What is it?

In the case of alcoholism and other bad habits, a codependent can act in any of these roles:

Sacrifice. A person constantly complains to family and friends who sympathize with him.
Pursuer. He tries to correct the situation through threats or physical influence.
Savior. The person provides assistance in small doses, achieving the alcoholic’s permanent dependence.

This is precisely the psychology of codependency in alcoholism. And we need to fight this. If one family member constantly drinks, and the other spends all his energy trying to stop him, then it is not only the alcoholic who needs help. The codependent also needs to be treated.

It is impossible to rehabilitate an alcoholic. He needs serious treatment. Therefore, an alcoholic needs to see a narcologist, and a codependent should consult a psychiatrist.

Why is it important to eradicate codependency?

This is the most important and first step towards a harmonious life. Codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction is a kind of web that holds a sick person in a stranglehold, leaving him no chance for healing. Therefore, you should get rid of this condition.

Treatment of an alcoholic should begin with psychological help for the codependent. After all, as long as there is a person who endures and solves all problems, the drinker does not need to change anything in his life.

When treating a family member for alcoholism, consider the following. A codependent may have a breakdown. After all, he loses the meaning of life, which was to save an alcoholic.

A codependent person, who was previously busy controlling and nurturing, now feels unnecessary. He no longer needs to look after anyone. Against this background, such people are capable of creating an unbearable atmosphere in the house and inflaming passions. As a result, a relapse may occur. Therefore, a codependent needs adequate therapy just as much as an alcoholic.

Treatment methods

A person almost always denies codependency in alcoholism. How to get rid of a problem that is not even taken seriously? Only a competent psychologist or psychiatrist can help.

The alcoholic is of the opinion that his libations are not serious. He is confident that he can leave this activity at any time. The codependent explains his deviations by saying that he wants to support the patient and help him. And in his opinion, this is quite obvious. Therefore, treatment of codependency begins with awareness of the presence of the disease.

When the patient admits that he is sick, the psychological therapy, which includes:

individual conversations;
learning how to cope with stressful situations;
classes with a psychologist as part of a group of the same patients, communication with them;
learning the skills of a calm and harmonious existence.

As a result of such treatment, the codependent must see his life from the outside. Only after this will he be able to understand what needs to be done and what model of behavior to choose for communicating with loved ones.

Getting rid of guilt

Alcoholics tend to blame their loved ones for their addiction. They constantly emphasize that they are not loved and are not given attention. You can't believe this. It is not the fault of his loved ones that a person abuses alcohol. He's just trying to justify his behavior. But it is on this basis that codependency most often develops in alcoholism. Therefore, stop reproaching yourself in such a situation.

Alcoholics need to be treated

If an addict promises that he will cope with the problem himself, you should not believe him. Alcoholism is a serious illness that requires complex and qualified assistance from a narcologist. You should not try to cure a patient using folk or other methods on your own. This is what codependents most often do. This is the wrong way. It aggravates the patient's condition. In addition, those around you suffer. Trying to help, even at the cost of harming yourself and your family, is characteristic feature that there is codependency in alcoholism.

How to get rid of such attachment? Accept the fact that only a competent narcologist can cure alcoholism. Therefore, the help of a doctor in the treatment of this disease is necessary. To avoid publicity, anonymous therapy can be carried out.

Stop controlling

There is no need to fight alcoholism with violent and prohibitive measures. loved one. A drinker will always find an opportunity to drink. Therefore, there is no point in hiding money or pouring out alcohol. This will only lead the addict to the point where he will begin to sophisticatedly deceive his relatives and hide part of his salary.

Often codependents encourage a sick relative not to hide. And if he drinks, then let him drink at home. After all, this is how he is under control. But this behavior only creates more comfortable conditions for the alcoholic: he drinks in warmth and comfort, no one swears.

Become realistic

You need to look at things adequately. An alcoholic will not change his behavior, even if his family's life changes radically for the better. You shouldn't hope that this will happen by itself. It is necessary to convince the person that without treatment he will not be able to cope with this disease.

Don't make excuses for an alcoholic

Many codependents endure humiliation, insults and even beatings. You cannot justify the unseemly actions of an alcoholic by his inadequate state. There is no need to feel sorry for a person if he is kind and wonderful when sober, but a family tyrant when drunk.

For example, in criminal law it is considered not a mitigating, but an aggravating circumstance when committing a crime. That's why you can never forgive drinking man his cruel and unseemly behavior.

Eliminate comfort

Problems arising as a result of alcohol abuse must be resolved by a person himself. If you couldn’t go to work, call your boss and explain yourself. You made a drunken brawl - wash and clean up after yourself. If you borrow money, pay off your debts yourself.

Under no circumstances should a codependent perform such actions out of pity for the drunkard. By doing this, he creates comfortable conditions for the alcoholic, in which he is very pleased to be. Of course, the patient sees no point in giving up alcohol. Do not solve the problems of an alcoholic; this is an important step to overcome codependency in alcoholism.

How to behave if an addict has an attack or crisis? In such a situation, the help of loved ones is simply necessary. However, remember: help is not a glass of vodka for a hangover! This is a call to the ambulance (if the crisis seems dangerous to health) or the police (if the patient’s condition and his actions may harm loved ones).

Don't be afraid to call for help. After all, the addict at this moment is inadequate. Delay in this situation can have irreparable consequences.

Contact the specialists

Many clinics provide simultaneous treatment for codependency in alcoholism and for drunkenness. This brings very good results.

During treatment, communication is limited. This way you can break the codependent relationship. During therapy, loved ones of an alcoholic become self-sufficient individuals. And it is precisely this kind of self-confident person that a former addict needs. He simply won’t give you a chance to return to your old lifestyle.

People's opinion

So, if there is codependency with alcoholism in your family, how to get rid of it? Reviews from people who have encountered this problem indicate that most often they turn to a psychologist. It is theoretically possible to get rid of codependency on your own. But in practice this only works for a few.

45 clergy and volunteers of the Kamensk diocese took part in a two-day seminar “Codependency: theory and practice.” The purpose of the classes is to help parishioners whose loved ones suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.

The seminar was organized by the Coordination Center for Combating Drug Addiction Synodal Department for Church Charity and Social Service and the Saint's Charitable Foundation righteous John Kronstadt.

Codependency is a topic that is close and understandable to everyone. To the question of the presenters, “Are there anyone in the audience whose relatives do not suffer from any addiction?” Only one hand went up. Moreover, most often it is not the addicts themselves, but their mothers and wives who go to the priests with their troubles...

To help addicts, you need to start with codependents. This idea was initially tried to be conveyed to the participants of the seminar by its presenters - psychologist-consultant of the department for prevention and rehabilitation of addictions of the Krasnoyarsk diocese, Deacon Rodion Petrikov, and psychologist charitable foundation“Diakonia” (St. Petersburg) Nikolai Ekimov.

Very often, without realizing it, it is mothers, fathers, wives, grandmothers who, with their codependency, “feed” the addiction of an alcoholic or drug addict - they pity, indulge, protect, deprive of responsibility, and allow manipulation. As a result, they do not allow you to begin to recover. The realization of this fact was a real discovery for many of the seminar participants.

“It’s not me who has problems, it’s him...”

When asking for help, relatives of addicts are often sure that they themselves do not have problems, it’s all about their drinking husband or son. “Do something with him,” is what they say most often.

However, drunkenness or drug use is only the visible part of the problem, the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. Psychologist Rodion Petrikov clearly showed that it is based on disharmony family relations, which, in turn, is based on the spiritual crisis of the family. It turns out to be a triangle-pyramid.

The presenter gave an example. At the reception, the woman says that 3 years ago her husband began using hashish. This happened after “we coded it.” Along the way, it turns out that the man is also cheating on his wife, although he has no intention of leaving her. “He’s behind me like behind a stone wall,” the woman explains. She is the breadwinner in the family, and her husband practically does not work.

“There is disharmony in this family,” explains Father Rodion. – After coding, the man stopped drinking, but the addiction itself did not disappear, because its support remained. And, like the Serpent Gorynych, in the place of one severed head another grew... The woman does not give her husband responsibility, and his dissatisfaction seeks outlets in alcohol, drugs, infidelity...

Both relationships between spouses and between parents and children can be disharmonious in a family. The origins of disharmony in a future family are laid in childhood. In our example, the woman was also brought up in a disharmonious family: the father drank, and the mother alone bore the brunt of everything...

– But is it really just a matter of who is more important in the family and earns more? – one of the priests asked a question. – The main thing is that there is no love, no responsibility in this family...

“Exactly right,” agreed Rodion Petrikov. – The spiritual crisis (the basis of our triangle) is the deep basis of all troubles. Life without God, outside the church sacraments. If we change this foundation, everything will get better. St. Augustine said back in the 4th century: “If God is in first place, then everything else is in its place.”

According to the presenters, it is necessary to work on all three “fronts” of the triangle - at the level of addiction itself, at the level of relationships in the family and at the level of spirituality.

What is codependency?

Codependency is not just a close relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. Codependency is the behavior of loved ones, completely subordinated to the life and actions of the dependent person.

A codependent mother focuses all her thoughts only on her drug-addicted son, forgetting about her husband, other children and grandchildren, about rest and her other needs. Such a woman constantly feels heartache, guilt, shame, hatred, resentment. She cannot think rationally and soberly. She's in once again believes his son, who begs for money under some plausible pretext, or even simply gives it to him for drugs - in order to avoid a scandal, for fear of making the family misfortune public... There may be other manifestations of codependent behavior.

“Codependency has its origins in a dysfunctional family, where one of the parents was either chemically dependent or an alcoholic, and this illness was hidden,” added Nikolai Ekimov. – A family is a system: if one member is sick, then the whole system is sick. In such families, lying is encouraged and use is covered. There is a lot of shame, dishonesty and it is not customary to talk openly about your feelings. Children from such a family, when they become adults, also choose dependent people as husbands, whom they need to look after, who need to be controlled...

Codependency is based on three pillars: 1) low self-esteem, 2) a compulsive desire to control the lives of others, 3) a desire to take care of others, to save others.

Why is it necessary to work with codependents?

The presenters gave several arguments why it is necessary to work with codependents.

Argument 1: The retinue plays the king. This has, in fact, already been said above. It is the wrong behavior of loved ones that is fertile ground for addiction to flourish. They feed, give money, wash, settle affairs, turn a blind eye to many things, etc.

– When parents or wife realize that they are behaving incorrectly, they will knock out the ground for addiction. The addict, left alone with his illness, will be forced to begin to recover,” the presenter noted.

Argument 2: There are several codependents, but there is only one dependent. And the more codependents “sober up,” the more successful the recovery of an alcoholic or drug addict will be.

A specific case: the parents moved their son, a drug addict, to another apartment and stopped giving him money for drugs. But, as it turned out, only his mother stopped financing his addiction, and his father, having lost all hope and fearing other problems, secretly transferred money to his son.

Often the grandmother is the “malicious agent”. Wanting to be in demand and having a false understanding of love and care, she fuels her grandson’s addiction.

Argument 3: Codependency is older than addiction. As a result of family disharmony, codependency is formed - and addiction grows on the soil prepared for it.

Nikolai Ekimov gave an interesting example: sometimes grandmothers who are raising grandchildren whose parents died from heroin come to see him. At first, the subject of women’s codependency was dependent children, now – dependent grandchildren...

Argument 4: Codependency kills. If codependency is not treated, everything can end in disaster.

Psychological illness can lead to heart attack, stroke, stomach ulcers... and even suicide. Here are the words of one woman, approximately 45 years old: “My son uses heroin. He lives separately, but every morning, when my husband is already at work, he comes to our house - eats and washes himself. This has been going on for 2 years now, and I don’t have the courage to close the door in front of him... If I commit suicide to get out of this system, maybe at least then my son will somehow change..."

How the priests fed the “elephant”

The seminar format was very lively. The participants showed concern and activity - they asked questions and expressed their opinions, shared their experiences, sometimes even interjecting themselves into the presentations of the presenters. They also enjoyed participating in discussions and games. One of them is the “Elephant Menu”. The goal of the game is to understand and feel what codependency feeds on.

First of all, we assigned the roles: Dependent (in our case it was an alcoholic), Hangover, Aggression, Lies, Loneliness, Isolation, Denial, Laziness, Parasitism, Indifference... Alcoholic (played by Irina, a representative of a public teetotal organization) and all the vices that followed with their tails, wandered around the hall, made their way between those sitting, touched them, disturbed them, made noise... Naturally, everyone had few pleasant sensations.

This sketch is an illustration of what happens in a family where there is an addict. In the “second act of the play,” the Alcoholic and all his baggage surrounded Mom. Volunteer Larisa, who played this role, shared her feelings: “It was stuffy, they all got in my way, got in the way, annoyed me. I was angry, but I felt sorry for Alcoholic, because he is my son. I wanted to cut off his entire unpleasant tail..."

Why don’t parents cut off the “tail” and what do they continue to feed the “elephant” - codependent relationships? Participants had to find and justify answers to this question, breaking into groups of 5-6 people.

As a result, the “elephant” menu included: material support for the addict, food and shelter for him; pity for yourself and for him; fear of publicity; fear of saying “no”; guilt; life series in the form of scandals; fear of the addict's aggression; misunderstood parental responsibility; certain benefits due to the addict’s feelings of guilt... The last point is, for example, when a wife receives some kind of gift from her husband, who has recovered from binge drinking.

Say no and face the truth

The discussion about the “elephant” menu was very heated. Nikolay Ekimov commented in detail on some of the “dishes”, giving examples from his practice.

About the fear of publicity. Codependent people live in a feeling of shame. They do not know how and are afraid to ask others for help, for example, their neighbors. When parents create such a shell - a facade of visible well-being, children begin to grow up in madness: they see that dad drinks, but mom says that dad is fine and is just sick. It is important to convince codependent people to open up - it will become easier for them.

About the feeling of guilt. Codependent people are characterized by low self-esteem and insecurity stemming from childhood. Addicts take advantage of this by manipulating a loved one. “It’s your fault that I was raised this way” - such a phrase disarms the unfortunate mother. But she must understand that her dependent son is simply skillfully “cheating” her.

About fear of aggression. Mothers often come to groups for codependents, whose children raise their hands against them, bring company home and arrange “jazz kvass”. At this time, mom sits like a mouse and waits for it all to end. After about ten lessons, people change: the mother, who used to be a mouse, now first warns and then calls the police. And the son begins to feel this and is forced to change.

About the fear of saying “no”. The word “no” is one of the key skills for codependents. Addicts often cheat and extort money supposedly for dental treatment, to pay off loans, or because “otherwise they will kill me.” The word “no” should be tough, without any justification (“I can’t, I don’t have money”). There can only be one explanation: because I don’t want to support your illness. You need to stand your ground, no matter what manipulations the addict comes up with. When a codependent learns to face the truth, when he learns to say “no,” then he will achieve sobriety and codependency will disappear.

– What if a mother gives money so that her son doesn’t kill anyone for money? – one of the priests asked a question.

– One of the problems of codependency is intrusive thoughts, which are constantly spinning in my head. They appear due to severe anxiety. Thinking that something terrible might happen, the mother justifies her wrong actions...

You can look at the situation this way: if a criminal comes to you and says “give me money, otherwise I will kill the person,” will you give the money? Of course, anything can happen. But by saying “no,” we surrender it to the will of God and the will of this person. And we pray that everything will work out...

– Is the phrase “Better to drink than to inject drugs” codependency? – another question from the seminar participants.

- Certainly. Sometimes they say this in their last breath from powerlessness, from being involved in controlling an addicted person.

– What words can help an addict?

“I’m sincerely sad about what’s happening to you. I see that you are suffering from your addiction, I can give you addresses and contacts of centers where they can help you. But, unfortunately, I can’t do more for you, because your illness is beyond my competence, I cannot cope with your illness.” These will no longer be the words of a codependent, but of a recovering person.

“Rope”: the essence of codependent relationships

The discussion of the short film “Rope” was held with great interest. The 10-minute plot is as follows. Two people have their backs turned to each other and are tied with rope. The man drags the girl on him: at first she resists, screams, but then resigns herself. Along the way, this strange couple, wandering near some slums, comes across vicious individuals who insult the girl. And when suddenly she meets a person who decides to help her and unties the rope, the girl herself begins to tighten it again...

It is unlikely that this film left anyone indifferent. One of the women cried while watching...

During small group discussions, seminar participants had to answer the following questions: Why don’t the characters talk? Who is dependent and who is codependent? What can a rope symbolize? What is the goal of the heroes? Who or what do the characters you meet along the way symbolize? What does a person who does them good do to the boundaries of a couple?

Each of the participants understood the film-metaphor about the essence of codependent relationships, recognized as the best at the Seattle International Film Festival, in their own way. But the essence of the exercise was not a single correct interpretation seen, but to feel, realize, hear the opinions and some experience of others...

The priest is on the “throne” of the addict

Another interesting one role play. IN leading role(Dependent) - Archpriest Igor Smolin. His task is to swing while standing on a chair. He can afford this because he is surrounded by a Mother, a Wife, a Friend, a Priest, a Chief, who, with their arms outstretched, do not allow him to fall. Father Igor got so into the role that the other “actors” needed great physical effort to keep him from falling. As a result, the violent Addict was picked up by a Friend, played by Priest Igor Aksenov, to the general laughter of the seminar participants.

The point of this game is to clearly demonstrate how codependents support drug addiction or alcoholism of a loved one. It seems to them that by preventing them from falling, they are saving their husband or son. In fact, they contribute to the progression of addiction.

“As soon as I stood on the “throne of the king,” I determined the rules of the game,” he shared his feelings main character Igor Smolin. “I realized which of my loved ones I can rely on more reliably.” And I felt the right to use these relationships with impunity...

“This is how a drug addict very clearly traces his surroundings - who can help with money, who will be sorry, who will feed him,” commented Nikolai Ekimov.

The main character was asked:

– And if everyone moved away, would you continue to swing?

- Of course not.

The presenter noted:

– For some reason, all codependents are sure that if they stop controlling the addict, he will break his nose. But this is unlikely to happen. And if it happens, the person will feel what a broken nose is. And then he will make a decision: to go for treatment or continue using. But while he is surrounded by support and control, he has no opportunity to feel the risk zone and his fall. By delaying adverse consequences, codependents aggravate the disease.

Rodion Petrikov presented the following universal recommendations to the seminar participants:

1. Start with yourself. The meaning of this rule is in the words of the Savior: “...first remove the beam from your own eye, and then you will see how to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

The validity of this rule is confirmed, for example, by the following story. Once a woman came to Father Rodion asking for help: the eldest son was a drug addict and alcoholic, the middle son was a drug addict, the youngest was a slacker... The mother was asked to start with herself and overcome some of her problems. bad habit. It turned out that there is such a problem - smoking. The woman gave up cigarettes and joined the spiritual life... Seven years have passed. Today, the eldest of the sons has his own production, he is married and has children. The middle son works for his older brother until he is married. A youngest son became a clergyman...

“This rule also applies to those who help codependents,” added Rodion Petrikov. – When we start with ourselves, we look at a person not with alienated professional interest, but with the understanding that this is the same person as you.

2. Reach agreement. We are talking about the agreement of all family members in understanding the addict’s illness and ways to overcome it. If there is no such agreement, then the situation resembles a fable about a swan, crayfish and pike.

And at the same time, if at least one person in the family begins to recover, then gradually, albeit slowly, the whole system will change.

3. Stop ridding the addict of negative consequences behavior. The presenter recalled the parable about prodigal son: the father allowed his beloved son, who accepted half of the inheritance, to squander it, reach the bottom and, having come to his senses, return to his father’s house. Consequences are the only resource to understand that a person is going the wrong way.

4. Provide the addict with information about help. Stopping being codependent does not mean brushing aside the problems of your husband or son. Stepping aside, it is important to give contacts - to build a bridge to the recovery of a loved one. Moreover, it is important to give not just one telephone address of a rehabilitation center or specialist, but several: the effect of choice is triggered.

By the way, Rodion Petrikov gave his phone numbers and other contacts to the participants of the seminar - anyone who wants to recover can contact them.

5. Prayer.“This is the last on the list, but the first in importance,” noted Father Rodion. – It is not possible to bring a problem to the height of spiritual understanding right away: first, it is important to answer the queries that people consider “daily bread”...

The presenter noted that praying parents should not only repent of their own sin (that they did not raise their son as a Christian and sinned themselves), but also thank God for the trouble that came. After all, it is thanks to this that a person finally begins to grow spiritually. Here we go St. Augustine said: “The Lord calls to himself three times: with a whisper of love, with the voice of obstacles, with the scourge of suffering”...

Wonderful words have been said about the power of a mother’s prayer: a mother’s prayer will reach you from the bottom of the sea, a mother’s prayer is higher than the prayer of the elders... Often, having learned about the importance of a mother’s prayer, a woman gains new strength.

And one more recommendation. It was not mentioned in this presentation, but it was discussed in another topic. The main priority in a family where there is an addict should be his recovery. Neither work, nor the opinions of others, nor anything else. For example, it happens that an addict suddenly refuses to go to a rehabilitation center for the reason that he was offered money job. “I’ll work on a rotational basis, earn money, and then I’ll pay for rehabilitation,” he explains. And the parents... agree. They motivate him: otherwise he will lose his job! Such a shift in values cannot be allowed.

Learn pastoral sense...

A lot of interesting and useful things were said at the seminar. It’s simply impossible to tell everything. In addition to the knowledge gained during the classes, the clergy received reading lists, Internet links and various contacts. We also talked to each other and shared our experiences. Almost everyone was unanimous - the seminar was very useful.

Certificates were solemnly presented to the participants of the seminar “Codependency: Theory and Practice” by Bishop Methodius of Kamensk and Alapaevsk. He noted the main point of the seminar: the knowledge gained should help clergy communicate with this category of parishioners.

– In spiritual educational institutions They teach liturgy and dogmatics, but they practically do not teach how to be a shepherd and lead a parish. And working with people is the hardest thing. We need to learn pastoral instincts...

– When you become imbued with such a problem, you understand that you don’t have to rely on just three pieces of advice: confess, take communion and fast. Our task is to help a person stand correctly before God.

Opinions about the seminar of participants

Archpriest Nikolai Trushnikov, rector of the parish in the name of the holy vice Elijah in Artemovsky:

– I didn’t even expect that the seminar would be so interesting and useful. Although after the classes I was left with a feeling of “undernourishment”: I want to learn even more deeply about the problem. But the important thing is that the seed has been given, the stimulus and ideas have appeared. What I couldn’t decide for myself before can now be solved.

I started working with alcohol addicts about 20 years ago. Lately When the groups were recruited, few addicts came - mostly codependents. But there was no knowledge to work with them. Now they have appeared. In the fall I want to start leading small groups for codependents...

Priest Alexander Kropotukhin, rector of the parish of the Nativity of John the Baptist in the village of Kochnevskoye, Beloyarsk deanery:

– The problem is very urgent, but there was not enough knowledge. Now they are. I have already received tangible benefits from the seminar. There are specific problems in my environment for which I have not seen solutions before. He hesitated, not knowing how to act. Now I have a clear vision - I know where to go, to whom and what to say.

Archpriest Nikolai Neustroev, rector of the parish in the name of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker in Zarechny:

– The seminar is a very useful thing. Unfortunately, we mostly stew in our own juices, and problematic issues when communicating with parishioners, in particular with codependents, they hang in the air. Often we are not able to deal with these problems in a qualified manner. The nature of communication with the parish homeless people, who skillfully press for pity, showed that I, too, are codependent... But after the seminar, knowledge appeared and my mood lifted. I wanted to bring all the information received into the system. The presenters provided links, direct telephone contacts - this is a help and an incentive... Now I am looking closely at advanced, educated young parishioners: perhaps someone could work with codependents.

Priest Nikolai Reshetnikov, rector of the Holy Trinity Bishop's Compound in Irbit:

– The problem of codependency is understandable, but for our work we lacked the exact language – the correct explanation of the situation... At the parish we tried to put the lives of such people on a spiritual basis – so that through confession and the sacraments of the Church they would calm their inner state and look at the situation with different eyes. This helped many women. And they made tough decisions regarding drinking husbands: decided to live alone. As a result, over time, the husband took a vow of sobriety and tried to live correctly... Now, having received new knowledge, we will be able to help more...

I would also like to note this point: many problems can be avoided if you engage in raising children from the very beginning. early age. After all, we begin to be codependent from the birth of a child: we are ready to do anything to stop crying. The state should be aimed at improving society not only in terms of drug addiction, but also in terms of raising children.

Priest Alexy Lebedev, rector of the Pokrovsky parish in the village of Lugovsky, Talitsa-Tugulym deanery:

– Excellent and very popular seminar. I often encounter the problem of codependency: people come to church, but do not want to accept help. You tell them that they need to work on themselves, too, and they answer exactly as they said at the seminar: they say, it’s not me who has the problems... Or such an example. A woman comes: her husband is drinking. I’ll let you read the book “Codependency” by Zaitsev. “Yes, father, this is about me,” she admits. The advice helps, my husband hasn’t drunk for two months. But then - all over again. It turns out that a wife can drink herself in front of her husband. “But I’m on holidays, little one...”

A very important question - a codependent needs to start with himself. And clergy involved in helping addicts and codependents also need to start with themselves. Otherwise, people will not have trust... We decided to make our parish sober. And in 2 years, 16 parishioners - addicts and codependents - have taken a vow of sobriety.

I am very grateful to the organizers and presenters for the seminar. By acquiring new knowledge, we will “grow for the glory of God, for the consolation of parents, the Church and the Fatherland for the benefit.”

Archpriest Evgeny Taushkanov, rector of the Intercession parish in the village of Volkovo, dean of the Kamensk city deanery:

– I learned a lot of new and useful things at the seminar. I had the opportunity to combine theory with practice on the very first day: I left classes a little early - I had to participate in the commission on juvenile affairs. Among the “patients” there were two drug addicts - 14 and 15 years old. The knowledge I gained during the day of the seminar was very useful to me in conversations with parents. He explained: you need to start with yourself, destroy the child’s power over you. And at the same time begin building a spiritual foundation...

Unfortunately, our experience in working with drug addicts, from the 90s to the 2000s, was not entirely successful. And only now, after this seminar, did we realize the mistakes we had made. Our main mistake is that we paid more attention to the drug addicts themselves, but we missed the codependents. But it is in the family that people spend most of their time. The main task is to teach parents how to behave correctly. Now the problem of drug addiction is rising again, and now it is important not to miss the parents...

However, the phenomenon addictions and codependencies much wider than it might seem. It applies not only to families of alcoholics; moreover, in order to become a codependent family member (the husband or wife of an addict, to develop codependent relationships with children in your family), certain prerequisites are required. We will talk about them in this article.

Navigation through the article “Codependency: the formation of a personality prone to psychological dependence”

Prerequisites for the formation of a personality prone to addiction and codependency

By about 3 years of age, a child must move from the stage of a symbiotic relationship with his mother to independent movement in understanding the world around him. But this can only happen if the mother has given the child a sufficient sense of security and safety.

And in order to give it, you need to be confident enough in yourself, in your abilities, to feel fundamentally protected in this world, which, alas, not all mothers have. Often exactly the opposite happens: a mother, afraid of not being able to cope with the situation for one reason or another, overloaded with fears both for herself and for the child, constantly generates anxiety.

As a result of this anxiety, she tries to satisfy the child’s needs “proactively,” “worries” endlessly, is afraid of any manifestation of his displeasure, etc. She is constantly in terrible tension about “my child should always be fine.”

As a rule, inside this is “otherwise I - bad mother“or “otherwise something irreparable will happen to my child.” Most often, both installations are available.

As a result, the child does not feel safe due to the mother’s chronic anxiety and gets used to the fact that the mother is constantly trying to satisfy his every need, without allowing him to sort them out on his own.

Let me give you a simple example. Let's say a child woke up at night because he had taken some uncomfortable position in his sleep. His first reaction is to cry. But if you give the child a little time, he himself can find a comfortable position and calm down.

An anxious mother almost never gives her child time to decide for himself - serious problem or not, is the problem worth calling your mother, or can you solve it on your own. This is how he gets used to it as he grows up: the older he is, the more problems his mother solves. And not vice versa, as, in theory, it should be: the older he is, the more independent he is.

Do you remember this expression: “Little children are little troubles, but when the children grow up, they grow up into troubles”? This is a reflection of our Russian mentality of anxious mothers. And a reflection of the formation process psychological dependence, and sometimes not only psychological.

All this leads to the fact that in those very three years when the personality, his own “I” begins to actively awaken in him, he is not able to gain enough psychological freedom. He cannot switch to understanding the world, leaving his mother somewhat on the sidelines (which is already possible for him due to his age).

After all Mom is constantly worried about him, constantly trying to solve his problems, in fact, she cannot allow him to act on his own, her anxiety creates control, and does not allow the child to grow up. So the child becomes partially stuck in this stage of development. and the feeling of his own “inadequacy” become a familiar and even vital background for him.

After all, being dependent, he receives a strong return in the form of maternal love, support and approval. The equal sign between love and addiction becomes more and more clear every year.

Developing in such conditions, a child does not become an integral person; he grows up with the feeling that there must always be someone nearby who “helps” him be integral. But by itself he cannot be complete - he is accompanied by constant maternal “what if he does something wrong”, “what if he falls and hurts himself”, “what if he makes a mistake”, etc.

And the child himself gets used to believing this, but at the subconscious level, because few people remember how his relationship with his mother proceeded at the age of 2-3 years, and even more so before. He gets used to believing that he cannot live on his own. That he always needs someone who will be responsible, manage, control, worry and care.

Psychological dependence and chemical dependence: men and women

But with all attempts to offer a person meanings, solutions for relaxation or receiving, the addict protests: after all, if he switches to self-sufficiency, he will lose his sense of integrity, which for now is only achievable for him through merging with another, with someone who will be firmly attached to him fears and anxiety, who will be completely focused on him.

Women are more likely to fall into the trap of psychological dependence. She often needs not just a man, but someone who cannot do without her, who will constantly confirm to her that she is needed. And, as a rule, these are men who are prone to addiction. After all, they “will be lost without her,” “they won’t cope without her,” etc.

The scheme here is the same: a woman tries to at least temporarily eliminate the anxiety implanted by her mother, and most often actualizes it through the “rescue” of a man. And thereby creates for himself a feeling of integrity, which was previously experienced in a relationship with an anxious mother.

They complement each other in this system: a man’s dependence makes him helpless, not sufficiently independent and in need of “supervision” from a woman.

And a woman prone to psychological dependence cannot imagine a relationship with an independent and independent man - because then she will not feel so needed, there will be nothing to constantly worry about and worry about. And this is exactly how she is used to perceiving and showing love.

It happens, of course, the other way around, when a woman becomes dependent, and a man takes on the role of a rescuer. But in our country it is more often relevant classic scheme, in which a woman “rescues” an addicted man.

Illustration for the picture of codependent relationships

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Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change things. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships and should strive for greater self-compassion and self-understanding

Codependency is often misunderstood. This is not just a label that society puts on the wife of an alcoholic. The phenomenon of codependency covers wide range behaviors and thought patterns that cause mental suffering of varying degrees of intensity.

Codependency

I hope this article will help dispel some of the misconceptions about codependency and help you understand it better.

1. Codependency is a reaction to trauma.

You can develop codependent traits starting with early childhood ,as a way to cope with violence, chaos or dysfunction in the family. As a child and in stressful situation, you have learned that maintaining peace and tranquility by caring for others, denying own feelings and trying to control everything around - they are ways to survive and cope with the frightening and unpredictable life at home.

For some people, the injury may be hidden, almost unnoticeable. Even if you had a “normal” childhood, you may be experiencing “generational trauma” if your parents or close relatives passed on their own patterns of responding to traumatic experiences.

2. Codependency is full of shame.

Psychologists define shame as a person's intense, painful belief that he is imperfect, flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and acceptance. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families come to the conclusion early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Your parents may have told you this directly, calling you stupid or worthless, or you may have received this message when they blamed you for their own problems.

We know that addiction, violence or mental illness leave a “stigma of shame”, so we are afraid to admit these problems to ourselves.

Shame grows when we cannot tell others about our difficulties, we feel alone and inferior, as if these problems are our fault and a direct result of our shortcomings.

We come to believe that we are not as good as others, and this belief is further strengthened if others treat us poorly, reject us, or abandon us.

3. Codependency is an unhealthy focus on the problems, feelings and needs of other people.

Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and distract us from our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process.

The relationship becomes an obsession so that it is difficult to leave even when you realize that it is unhealthy. Your self-esteem and sense of personal identity are based on your relationships.

You may be asking yourself, “Who am I and what will I do without my husband (wife, child, or parent)?” This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which you are unsure of who you really are.

4. Codependent people are very sensitive to criticism.

Codependent people are overly sensitive. Their feelings are easily hurt and they face a lot of pain, shame and criticism in their lives.

We do everything to avoid the displeasure of others. We take second place to making others happy. We try to remain “small and invisible” as much as possible so as not to attract attention to ourselves.

5. Codependents are overly responsible.

Codependency is the glue that holds a family together. We have to make sure the house rent is paid, the kids go to basketball, and the windows are closed so the neighbors don't hear any arguing or shouting.

Most of us were very responsible children who took care of our parents, siblings, did household chores, and managed our homework without parental help. We find it easier to care for others than for ourselves. We gain self-esteem when we feel responsible, reliable, and hard-working.

But we pay a high price for this when we overestimate our strengths, become workaholics, or accumulate grievances when we realize that our contribution to the relationship is much greater than that of others.

6. Codependency isolates us from our own feelings.

Avoiding painful feelings is another strategy that codependents often use.. But because we can't selectively tune out just painful feelings, we tune out everyone.
It becomes more difficult for us to fully enjoy the joys of life.

Even painful and unpleasant feelings give us important clues about what we need. For example, if your coworker publicly took credit for your success, it would be natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. These feelings tell you that you have been wronged, that it is wrong, and you need to figure out how to deal with it.

And if you pretend or convince yourself that you are not hurt or angry, you will allow others to continue to exploit you or hurt you in some other way.

7. Codependents don't ask for what they need.

One of the results of suppressing feelings is that we cease to understand what we need. And it is impossible to satisfy our own needs or ask others to satisfy them when we have no idea what they are.

This is a consequence of low self-esteem when we don't feel worthy of asking our partner, friends or employer for what we need.

The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask others to listen to them. Of course, asking does not guarantee that your wishes will be granted, but the likelihood of this increases when we ask assertively (confidently) rather than remaining passive (or waiting to explode until we are filled with rage).

8. Codependents continue to give even when it hurts them.

Caring and adaptability are signs of codependency. What makes these in general positive qualities unhealthy? That codependent people invest their time, energy and even money into helping and caring for others, even when it causes them suffering and hardship.

This concern also causes us to become immune to being deceived or taken advantage of. We have difficulty setting boundaries and cannot achieve a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.

9. Codependency is not a symptom of a mental disorder.

Many people with codependency have clinical significant level anxiety, depression, suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, but Codependency in itself is not a mental disorder.

Remember that seeking advice from a psychotherapist does not mean that there is something wrong with you. You may feel empty or inadequate, but that doesn't mean you are!

10. You can change your codependent behavior pattern.

A person can recover from codependency. I'm not going to lie to you and say it will be easy, but it is possible. Change is a gradual process that requires practice and openness, a willingness to try new behaviors and be awkward and uncomfortable at first.

Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change things. You are worthy of love and healthy relationships and should strive for greater self-compassion and self-understanding.posted by .

By Sharon Martin

That morning it all ended for her. The hell in which she lived for two years and could not find the strength to get out of it was over. For the first time in for many years she breathed deeply, full of strength and desire to live and be happy without fears, open to everything new and, most importantly, internally free, and not a codependent woman. She succeeded, managed to cope with codependency. The fight was not for life, but to death. She ended the relationship with him in order to save herself, and not turn into a hysterical and not very adequate woman.

Codependency is similar to alcoholism and drug addiction. It’s like you’re addicted, but not to such things, but to emotions that aren’t the most pleasant. This is dependence on a specific person with whom you do not feel happy, but you stubbornly remain in a relationship that is destroying you. Often such men abuse alcohol or drugs. He is addicted to substances, and you are addicted to him.

Yes, I'm codependent!

She once admitted it to herself and began to act. For almost two years she was in a relationship with a manipulative, future alcoholic, and mental abuser, which meant that he did not speak to her for months, and her attempts to somehow contact him ended in ringing beeps on the phone.

Before this, there was a six-month relationship with a drug addict, his manipulations and her desire to save him. The first time she realized that something was wrong was when she started giving him money. But He considered them not her money, but their common money.

But let's get back to last relationship. She began attending trainings on self-love, overcoming codependency, increasing self-esteem, and going to constellations.

She began to intensively save herself.

So, her plan was like this:

1) Admit that you are codependent and cannot cope with it yourself!

2) Find a psychologist who will “wash” your brain.

4) Present the entire process of “treatment” for codependency as an experiment in which you can try to behave in a new way. Try and see how I behave in this, and how I behave when I’m like this.

Yes, at first it will be very difficult, just very difficult. After all, it’s hard for women who are always tolerant, understanding and forgiving to even just tell a man that he doesn’t have the right to treat her like that. So, this means coming only when it’s convenient for him, not being responsible for his promises, ignoring attempts to talk and always pretending that nothing happened, not paying attention to her interests and desires.

5) Self-love.

As you know, women with low self-esteem are in codependent relationships, who for some reason decided, or someone put it into their heads, that they are not worthy of being treated well. Someone has been telling them for half their life, usually their mothers, that they need to endure everything, understand everything and forgive everything. But the reality is that self-love is not based on these rules. This is what codependent women lack in self-love, otherwise they simply would not have ended up in such relationships, because they did not allow themselves to be treated that way.

And so, the principles of self-love:

1. Always put yourself first. What does it mean to answer the questions: what do I want now? Is this important to me? Do I want this behavior from a man towards me? changet?

2. I am not responsible for how I was heard. I am responsible for what I said.

3. I am not responsible for the feelings of others. I am responsible for my feelings. And if someone decided to be offended, this does not mean at all that I wanted to offend him, and vice versa.

4. I decide for myself how and what to react to. I am responsible for my reactions.

5. I have the right to independently determine what is bad for me and what is good.

6. Work on your self-esteem. You can undergo training by carefully choosing a specialist.

7. Create your own criteria for a man’s good and bad attitude towards you. And in future relationships be guided by it. Seeing the relationship, you will immediately focus on good attitude or does it mean something bad for you... Okay, so everything is going as it should. Bad, that means something went wrong!

To summarize, I will say that, in my opinion, there is only one formula for getting out of codependency - changing your attitude towards yourself and, as a result, changing your behavior. And also in reverse side, you change your behavior, then your attitude towards yourself changes. Because when you tell your partner what you don’t like, what hurts you, what offends you, this is normal. What is normal when your opinion and interests are taken into account by your partner. At this moment you stop committing betrayal of yourself, and there was already a lot of it when you endured what you didn’t like!

This is an introductory excursion into the story of “How I “treated” my codependency.” In future publications I will cover all points separately with examples and recommendations. I hope my experience will serve as an example or motivation for someone, or the first step towards their own personal happiness.

Good luck to everyone, and see you again!