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“Well, why are you being dramatic,” some will object, “after all, adopted teenagers are children like everyone else. You just need to love them, and they will be grateful.” Unfortunately, it's not that simple. An orphan child is not an “ordinary child” at all, because he has serious psychological trauma. Often this is a negative experience of living in a family, the experience of neglect, violence.

Such a teenager may have episodes of hunger and experience of theft in his baggage - he had to survive. Aggression, swearing, the habit of solving problems with fists, lack of motivation to study, living not according to the law, but “according to concepts,” bad habits - all this often comes into the family with an adopted child. “Just falling in love” is not easy. There is no smell of “gratitude.” The question arises: how to survive in such conditions? Where to run? How to behave?

1. What do you think is important for building trusting relationships with adopted teens? What improved your relationship with them?

Natalia T.:“Sincerity is the maximum, learn to be sincere, and more sincere, and more. Talk a lot, a lot with a teenager, discuss everything in the world, seemingly obvious things, talk everything out. Surely, there will be surprising gaps and absurd beliefs in the child that should be discussed, and repeatedly.

You must admit your mistakes decisively, out loud, discuss them together, give examples, accept everything that the child gives out, even the most disgusting and unexpected, disgusting. Do not push away the child himself, be sincere. And say that “this is extremely unpleasant for me, that’s why, and that’s why my reaction is like this, for example, I lost the desire to go out and have fun. But at the same time, keep it in the background so that it is obvious to the child that he is accepted as a person; only his actions are unacceptable. It is important to believe in the child, that he is beautiful, and that all unpleasant moments can be overcome.”

Valeria: " Helped me a lot joint activities. We watched a cartoon that my daughter really liked. For me it was torture. We discussed the characters: I said what I thought about them, she laughed and made excuses. She really liked that I knew everyone's name. In the end I admitted to her that I couldn’t stand it anymore.

And I promised that I would read Harry Potter. She's a fan of his. It turned out to be a great book. My daughter and I argued, discussed the characters, and organized all sorts of competitions to see who could remember more from the book. And for 4 years now we have something to talk about. Now my daughter tells me a lot about her friends and other vital nonsense. Sometimes I force myself to listen to it, although my brain is just crying from this nonsense.”

Victoria:“The main thing is loyalty, equanimity and impenetrability.”

Anton: " The root is the desire of adolescents to feel needed, important and loved. And we express this in a way that is not always obvious to them.”

Lana:“Pass checks for lice.” Prove that an adult can be trusted. That this adult will not betray, will not despair, will remain his adult, no matter what the teenager does.”

Julia K.:"Honesty. Admit your mistakes out loud. Constantly remain in the role of an adult. The child will test his strength, you need to be prepared for this. At first it is important to talk everything out. You can speak different languages. Vocabulary the child’s knowledge can be very poor, and the meaning of words may have a distorted meaning.

Shared hobbies and traditions bring us together very much. We must try to be an advanced parent. Be “on topic”. Be interested in the child’s life.”

Anna S.:“Be closer in age. Do not insistently ask questions. Do not rudely interfere with personal territory. Do not read lengthy moral lectures. Be able to stand on the level of a teenager.”

Natalia V.:“Respect, honesty, openness, admitting your mistakes and wrongs, the ability to apologize.”

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Svetlana S.:"Honesty. Consistency (words match actions). Patience".

Inna K.:“I always try to put myself in the shoes of a teenager. I'm trying to understand and feel what he feels now. And, yes, remember what you were like at the same age, what you did!”

Vladimir H.:“Don’t flirt, don’t follow the lead if you don’t agree. Give the opportunity to do own mistakes, but at the same time be ready to lend a helping hand in any situation.”

Konstantin P.:“My experience is small, but in order to build trusting relationships with teenagers, it is probably very important: to be sincere and honest, because they subtly sense falsehood; admit their mistakes and change, because they feel “different”. Knowing that someone else has been through the same thing is encouraging and supportive. Personal example, work on yourself, because how to lead a teenager to change if you yourself are not an example and evidence of change? Understand a teenager, learn his story, understand the images and language in which he perceives the world. To be close, not expecting reciprocal love, but giving, loving.

Remember that this period for a teenager is like a cocoon, that what was invested is already there, and it is more important to simply be near him than to correct him and “forge a kind of yourself.” And you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of a teenager’s decisions.

Choose the words you use in your speech, taking into account the cultural background of the teenager, because words for him/her may have a completely different meaning. Readiness to have a “newborn”. For example, with different age periods(your teenager is 4 years old, then 9 years old, then 13), and you have to switch quickly to fill the need (rocking a teenager in your arms is not always easy physically).

And I think it is very important that words and deeds do not diverge. After all, the guys in the system often have the example of adult chatterboxes, whose words do not have significant evidence to support their words.”

2. What should I avoid? What mistakes have you made that have caused your relationship with your adopted teen to fail?

Natalia:“I went too far in expressing my emotions in relation to negative actions, but discussing the situation helped to even out the situation. I was a little overreacting with disbelief. It is important to learn to accept not only the child, with his mistakes, but also yourself, with your own, to forgive yourself, quickly and on time.”

Natalia V.:“Excessive trust due to underestimation of risks. Retrust."

Lana:“I forgot that I should act out of love. Or at least from her demonstration. I went into a negative state."

Anna S.:“My rejection of antisocial behavior. We need to be less categorical.”

Julia K.:“As I thought, my disadvantage was increased emotionality. To love so passionately, to swear so that everyone can hear. But, in the end, you need to keep a balance everywhere. Sometimes you need to be a rock, and sometimes it’s sobering to put your fist on the table. Avoid lies and negativity towards blood relatives and friends. Neglect of interests."

Vladimir H.:“You can’t lie, you can be sincerely mistaken and also admit the mistake, but you can’t lie. Even in the name of..."

Konstantin P.:“Admitting my mistakes helped restore the relationship when there was a threat of a crack, when my word differed from my deed.”

3. What important advice would you give to a mom who is planning to adopt a teenager?

Natalya T.:“In general and in general, try to see behind all the difficulties, problems, misunderstandings of Man, the beautiful man as God created him. Remember that everything else - superficial, like Leonardo Da Vinci - will be cut off, and what will be beautiful will remain if you work on it. That behind every monster lies something amazing, space. And that in this work not only the child becomes better, but also you yourself. This is very interesting.

And yet, my motto is something I once heard: “A difficult child is a child who finds it difficult.” The more difficult a child behaves, the worse it is for him, much harder than for those around him, there is pain and darkness in his soul. When you think that it’s much worse for him, he carries it all inside himself, and those around him only partially “rake” him, you become imbued with sympathy.”

Lana:“You don’t need to educate by rolling up your sleeves, right from the doorstep. If school interferes with relationships, such school is not needed. And most importantly, the most important thing, in my opinion: you need to be able to set and maintain clear boundaries. And always be honest with children."

Natalia V.:“Take in a foster teenager if the mother remembers herself at that age. Don’t take it if you don’t understand, condemn it, or have a desire to make a person out of it.”

Julia K.:“A sense of humor helps. Often a conflict can be turned into a joke and the tension can be reduced. Reduce entry requirements. First we cultivate affection, respect, etc., and only then study, correct bad habits.

Firm boundaries: clear, simple and consistent. Explain at the dating stage what is allowed in your family and what is not. And - the strength to hold them. Remember that this is a child. Even if you add 2 more heads.”

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Leila:“The advice is to remember yourself as a teenager and multiply by two! It always helps me. I was still a teenager myself, a child of perestroika! As soon as I remember, I’m glad that my children haven’t jumped up to me yet.”

Anna S.:“Leila is right... If my teenagers did what my husband and I did in our youth, I would run away from home from such children.”

Natalya L.:“No matter how the evening or day turns out, the child must fall asleep calm and loved.”

Anna S.:“It’s good to think about whether you can live with a person who already has a fully developed relationship with the world. Because your ideas may be completely opposite to his ideas.”

Svetlana S.:“Carefully study the child’s history, including conversations with teachers, and before adoption, talk in detail with a psychologist at least once or twice.”

Larisa P.:“It helps a lot to remember myself at 16. To be glad that my girls are not nearly as good as we were then. Be sincere always and in everything. Then the children will trust us more. Do everything together: build a house, go on a hike, plant a garden, go on a visit. Discuss problems together, even if you know for sure that the problem is trivial, and tomorrow the child will not even remember about it.

Accept all his hobbies and hobbies. Let him try everything rather than kill all his initiatives. Otherwise, the child will expect you to find something to do in life.”

Elena F.:“Have no illusions. Accept the child as he is and be prepared for any antics. In fact, what is needed is respect, understanding and acceptance. And, of course, you need to be natural, as you really are.”

Dana:“Don't expect the child to actually be at his age level (intelligence, social skills, emotions, responsibility). They often have the body of 15-17 year olds, but inner world- for 12-13 years. This is fine. Relationships need to be set up that way, relative to their emotional age.”

Vladimir H.:“Try to remain yourself and accept the child for who he is.”

Konstantin P.:“Keep in mind that triggers are powerful. And if there are incompletely resolved personal issues or incompletely healed wounds, then the presence of a teenager will aggravate them, and here the willingness to work on all fronts, changing oneself, first of all, is important. I always knew this, I understood it, but when you feel it yourself, you would immediately like to resolve it before accepting the child.”

Maria:“It is very helpful to immediately accept that a teenager does not want to do almost anything that we want from him. Therefore, in my opinion, it is better to set priorities for yourself: what can I not live without? For example, if it is important for me that my teenager always washes the dishes, then I can let him tidy up his room. Or vice versa. But the freedom not to do something good or to do something bad (to litter around oneself, let’s say) should exist, in my experience.

They talk a lot about love - to love, they say, to be tolerant, and everything will be fine. How many problems and inner experiences this attitude gives rise to! Well, if you can’t love, then that’s it, a bad parent, nothing will work out? Not everyone can just love a teenager like that, there is no obligation here - just love.”

Elena Machinskaya, psychologist:

“I’ll comment on Maria’s last advice. Indeed, often love does not come immediately. You shouldn’t scold yourself if in the first months or years you can’t say that you love. Love is an option. It's good if there is.

But it’s not scary if not, if at the same time you take care of the child, take your parental responsibilities responsibly, help him socialize in society and do a thousand other daily routine things that are so important for a child on the way to his adult life.”

This article was created with the support of MegaFon.

“The future depends on you” is the name of the joint project of the “Change About” Foundation Day to Day" and the MegaFon company. As part of the project, we publish. They, like kids, really need families. But it is much more difficult for teenagers to find new parents.

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Psychosexual development of children: recommendations for an adoptive parent

The psychosexual development of each person goes through several stages. Sexologists believe that it begins even before the birth of a child. The very situation of conception has an impact on the subsequent development of the child. It’s good if the child is desired, if mom and dad love each other, they are stable in life (have housing, income). After the birth of a child, the caring care of the mother not only allows one to survive in this world, but also contributes to the full development of the psyche. The way a mother swaddles a child, plays, strokes, massages, combs, bathes, feeds, gives the child the first idea of ​​how she treats him the world around us. Affectionate care and a sufficient amount of touches develop the child’s ability to enjoy adult life.

Until the age of three or four years, children strive to show themselves in all their glory, they run around naked without shame and want to receive the admiration of their parents. It happens that this happens in the presence of guests. In such a situation, the parents’ reaction is very correct. You should calmly tell your child: “You are very beautiful, please get dressed.” And then calmly talk to your child in private about the fact that it is customary to wear clothes in the presence of other people.

Nature dictates that at the age of four, sometimes six or seven, children discover their differences and, along with curiosity about different parts of the body, they develop an interest in studying gender differences between boys and girls. At this time, children can be found playing, where they look at each other's genitals. And they examine the genitals or even imitate sexual intercourse, playing hospital, dad, mom. After interest is satisfied and the child realizes which gender he belongs to, these games usually stop.

The correct reaction of adults to such children's games is very important. There is no need to be too ashamed, to show a strong emotional reaction, there is no need to punish children for showing interest.

It's time to talk about the differences between men and women. It would not be amiss to discuss with your child that every person has private parts and no one can touch or examine them without his desire, and therefore we cover these places with clothes. It is important to correctly call the genital organs “vagina” and “penis”, because these are generally accepted names, they are not negatively colored, obscene, etc. It is good if the child retains acceptance of the genitals in the same way as the rest of the body. The openness of an adult, his freedom from inhibition and the ability to speak correctly on this topic allows children to satisfy their age-related interest and treat all parts of the body with acceptance.

After saturating interest in how it works human body and in what parts of the body boys differ from girls, interest in sexual differences subsides and fades into the background before the onset of adolescence. When children after 8 years of age continue sexual play or experience excessive interest in the sexual sphere, this may indicate that the child is either catching up with delayed development or discovering prematurely gained experience. Interest in games aimed at recognizing sexuality (playing doctor, hospital) may indicate delayed psychosexual development. If a child demonstrates sexualized behavior outside of the game plot (reproduces sexual actions), such a child may have witnessed or participated in sexual events.

Interest in the sexual sphere reawakens in adolescence: sexual orientation and mature sexuality are formed.

It is obvious that in adulthood, in the relationship between a man and a woman, the sexual side of life is very significant and the point of psychosexual education is not to develop complexes and create problems in the future, but quite the opposite, so that in adulthood a person enjoys his mature sexuality. When an adult knows about how sexual development occurs, when he can talk in simple words about this topic with a child as the child’s interest manifests itself, such an adult serves as a source of reliable information, which will allow him to count on the trust of children in the future when discussing the topic of love and sex , sexual relations.

It is important for adoptive parents to provide sexological education. Quite often there are situations where, before starting life in a foster family, a child lived in conditions of material, moral and psychosexual disadvantage. In families where parents have alcohol and drug addictions and ignore moral standards, children's chastity is rarely protected. When working with a child from such a family, a foster parent can explain the accepted order of things and instill rules of behavior, including sexual behavior.

If adoptive parents encounter sexualized behavior by a child, they should discuss in a calm environment: “Where did you see this?” After listening carefully, you need to tell the child that this is acceptable for adults, but not for children. It is important to say “I am sorry that you were not saved from this situation. It's not your fault and you don't become bad. You can’t do this and involve other kids.” Using the example of an apple that ripened prematurely or a flower that opened at the wrong time, one can explain that there is a time for everything: “This is a relationship between a man and a woman. When you grow up, it will be wonderful for you too. But not now." After such conversations, the child will not feel disgusting or repulsive. A trusting relationship between the foster parent and the child will allow children to more readily adopt rules of behavior and follow restrictions.

When faced with the manifestation of early sexuality in children, adults experience strong conflicting feelings: indignation, shame. Anger and at the same time sympathy for the child. And two tasks need to be accomplished: to help such a child accept himself and at the same time learn the prohibition on involving other children.

If a child comes into your family with preterm experience, it is impossible to ignore this fact. The rest of the children in the family will be more protected if they know how to behave in a situation of sexual proposals. It is necessary to talk with children about how to protect their dignity, how to fight back. Children should be able to refuse and say “no.” You can scream loudly and call for help, and you should definitely tell your adoptive parents about what happened.

In a family, younger and older children of different sexes should live separately; there is no need to create situations of temptation.

It is also important that men or teenage boys in the family are aware that the seductive behavior of adopted girls should be treated soberly and not encouraged. No one has abolished criminal liability for relations with minors. A girl who has not received enough love and care from her parents may strive to receive emotional warmth, unconsciously broadcasting seduction.

Seductive actions are inherently aggressive and cause anger in response. In order for the behavior of the adopted child to change and the damage caused previously to be exhausted, acceptance on the part of the adoptive parent and the establishment of a trusting relationship is very important. Against this background, the child begins to want to become like caring people. Great patience and wisdom are required from the adoptive parent to deal with the strong emotions that arise in any person in such a situation. The process of change in a child's behavior is slow. It’s good if all the adults involved manage to come to an agreement and maintain a common line of behavior. Sometimes adults begin to criticize each other, often in the presence of children, and thereby not only lose authority in their eyes, but also minimize the efforts of the main (responsible for the child) adult.

It is difficult when a child’s sexual behavior manifests itself outside the home, for example, at school. Gossip, waves of shame, disgust... . All this casts a shadow on the family. In such cases, it is important to explain to the child: “All parents strive to protect their children. By this behavior you bring upon yourself great anger. By this behavior you risk harming yourself.”

It happens that conversations and explanations do not lead to changes in the child’s behavior. For example, if a child experiences orgastic pleasure from masturbation, you will have to accept the fact that he will strive for pleasure again and again. In these cases, the adoptive parent should require that this not happen in front of other people.

Sexual energy nourishes the psyche and it is very important that it flows naturally. Its suppression can take ugly forms, so it is better to cultivate a culture of sexual behavior, which is the key to mature sexuality.

Organizing support for children in foster families

Organizing support for children in foster families

Accompaniment of children raised in foster families is carried out by the educational institutions in which the children are educated (educated), the socio-pedagogical center, the guardianship and trusteeship authority.

The situation in the foster family, the position of the foster child is studied and assessed during visits to families at the place of residence, during conversations with foster parents, foster children, natural children, teachers of educational institutions, other interested parties, diagnosis of parents and children in foster families, analysis of personal cases of foster family pupils at their place of study.

Experts monitor:

Conditions for keeping, raising and educating a child

Adaptation of the child and family to each other

Child's adaptation to school

Intrafamily relations

Emotional state of children (including relatives)

Parents' emotional state

Relationships of an adopted child with classmates

Psychological climate in the family

Methods used to study the situation in a foster family

1. projective techniques:

- “Drawing of a family”

- "Animal Family"

- “Family in the images of animals”

- “Non-existent animal” (modified by A.L. Wenger)

- “My class”

2. questionnaires:

- “Analysis of family anxiety” (E.G.Eidemiller, V.Yustitskis)

- “Analysis of family education” (E.G.Eidemiller, V.Yustitskis)

- “Children evaluate parents” (I.A. Furmanov, A.A. Aladin)

- “Parent-child interaction” (Markovskaya I.M.)

- “Diagnostics of emotional relationships in the family” (E. Bene and D. Anthony)

Memo on assessing the living conditions and upbringing of an adopted child

1. The adopted child must have a separate place to sleep, study, play, and have a place to store personal belongings and school supplies.

2. The adoptive parent does not have the right to use the child’s personal belongings without permission or take them away from him, except in cases where these things pose a danger to the life and health of the child

3. The room in which the adopted child lives must comply with sanitary and hygienic standards (have the required level of lighting, humidity, temperature conditions, be kept clean and tidy)

4. It is not allowed for a child to live in cramped, unventilated rooms that do not have windows or are not properly lit, as well as in rooms that are passageways.

5. The adopted child must move freely throughout the residential building

6. It is not allowed to use items and preparations that pose an increased danger (damaged electrical appliances and electrical devices, medications, chemicals, tools, parts with sharp corners, etc.), in the place of residence of the adopted child

7. Children of opposite sexes are not allowed to live together in the same room, regardless of family ties or age difference, especially in adolescence.

8. To complete homework, the adopted child must have a desk with an electric lamp and other necessary stationery

9. An adopted child has the right to invite his friends to visit if his behavior and the behavior of his friends comply with generally accepted standards of behavior

10. It is prohibited to involve an adopted child in performing labor activity associated with heavy physical activity

11. It is necessary to regulate the range of household duties that the adopted child must perform daily (making the bed, cleaning his room, helping with housework, etc.)

12. An adopted child must be familiar with the organization of life in the family, know what is possible and what is not.

13. An adopted child must have free access to food, media, telephone

14. Deterioration of the child’s living conditions is not allowed as punishment.

15. It is not allowed to organize the child’s residence in a foster family, which corresponds to a lower level than the organization of life of one’s own children.

Criteria for assessing a child’s adaptation in the family

1. predominance of positive emotions

2. positive attitude towards the foster family, trust in its members

4. adequate attitude towards the biological family, own history, adequate assessment of one’s situation in a foster family

5. acceptance of the norms and rules existing in the family

6. interest in what is happening in the family, active participation in family life

Criteria for assessing family adaptation to a child

1. predominance of a positive emotional background

3. understanding the problems of the adopted child and one’s own problems

4. sufficient attention to both natural and adopted children

Criteria for assessing the psychological climate in a foster family

1. friendly attitude of family members towards each other

2. feeling of security and emotional satisfaction

3. responsibility of family members for each other

4. desire to carry out free time in the home circle, doing homework together

1. Interest and help. Parental support creates trusting relationships between children and parents and leads to high self-esteem in adolescents, promotes academic success and moral development. Insufficient parental support, on the contrary, can lead to a child’s low self-esteem, poor academic performance, impulsive actions, poor social adaptation, unstable and antisocial behavior.
2. Parents' ability to listen, understand and empathize. The parents' inability to empathize, their lack of emotional sensitivity and understanding of the child's thoughts and feelings can lead to the development of indifference in the child. Respect for a teenager and communication between parents and him/her contribute to the establishment of harmonious relationships in the family.
3. Parents' love and positive emotions in family relationships associated with intimacy, affection, love, receptivity; family members show mutual interest and responsiveness. If negative emotions predominate in the family, then coldness, hostility, and rejection are observed, which can lead either to the predominance of the child’s need for love (in adulthood), or to the formation of isolation, coldness, and inability to express his love for loved ones, including to children.
4. Recognition and approval from parents.
5. Trust in the child. Mistrust of children usually indicates that parents are projecting their own fears, anxieties, or guilt onto them. Parents who are insecure (or who have experienced certain difficulties in the past) are more likely than others to fear for their children.
6. Treating the child as an independent and adult person. A teenager’s achievement of independence occurs in the process individualization, when he is engaged in the formation of his own individuality and at the same time establishes new connections with his parents. The teenager tries to change his relationship with his parents, while trying to maintain the same communication, affection and trust. In order to demonstrate their own individuality, adolescents are guided by a different value system than their parents, they set themselves different goals, different interests and different points of view.
7. Guidance from Parents. The most functional families are those where parents demonstrate flexibility, adaptability and tolerance in their attitudes and behavior. Parents who are not flexible in raising teenagers refuse to reconsider their views and change their point of view; they are intolerant, overly demanding, always critical and place unjustified expectations on children that are not appropriate for their age. This has a detrimental effect on the teenager’s self-esteem, suppresses the development of his personality, which ultimately leads to stressful situations in the relationship between parents and children.
8. Personal example of parents: ability to serve good example for imitation; follow the same principles that children are taught. Since the process of identification in adolescents partly takes place in the family, those of them who are proud of their parents, as a rule, feel quite comfortable in the world around them.
9. Close cooperation with the school. If you are concerned about something in your child's behavior, try to meet and discuss it with your child as soon as possible. class teacher or with specialists (educator-psychologist, social pedagogue).
10. Be interested in who your child communicates with.

Remember: The main helpers of parents in difficult situations are patience, attention and understanding.

10 tips for parents of teenagers

1. During adolescence, children begin to evaluate the lives of their parents. Teenagers, especially girls, discuss the behavior, actions, appearance of their mothers and fathers, teachers, and acquaintances. And they constantly compare. At some point, the result of this comparison will affect your relationship with your son or daughter. It can be both pleasant and unpleasant for you. So, if you don’t want to lose face, start preparing for this assessment as early as possible.
2. The main thing in your relationship with your child is mutual understanding. To establish it, you must take the initiative and not hold grudges. You should not either follow the child’s immediate desires or always resist them. But if you cannot or do not consider it necessary to fulfill the wishes of your son or daughter, you need to explain why. And in general, talk more with your children, talk about your work, discuss with them their affairs, toy or educational, know their interests and concerns, friends and teachers. Children should feel that you love them, that in any situation they can count on your advice and help and not be afraid of ridicule or neglect.

Encourage children to have confidence in themselves, in their abilities, in the fact that even with certain shortcomings (which everyone has) they have their own undeniable advantages. The parents’ strategy is to form a position of confidence in the child: “everything depends on me, I am the reason for failures or successes. I can achieve a lot and change everything if I change myself.”

In the educational process, confrontation, struggle between teacher and student, opposition of forces and positions is unacceptable. Only cooperation, patience and interested participation of the teacher in the fate of the pupil give positive results.

1. Surprise - it will be remembered! Anyone who makes an unexpected and strong impression becomes interesting and authoritative. What attracts a child to an adult? Strength - but not violence. Knowledge - remember, for example, the eternal “why?” in kids. How many of them were you able to answer clearly and completely? Intelligence - it is in adolescence that the opportunity to evaluate it arises. Skills - dad can ski, fix a TV, drive a car... And mom draws, cooks delicious pies, tells fairy tales... Appearance - girls value it more. The life of parents, their habits, and views have a much greater influence on the child than long moralizing conversations. Your income is also important for teenagers. If you are competitive in this area, think ahead about how you might tip the scales when your older child confronts you with this problem.
2. Do you want your child to be strong and healthy? Then learn yourself and teach him the basics of knowledge about your body, about ways to preserve and strengthen health. This does not mean that you have to master the doctor’s arsenal and the prescription of various medications. Medicines are only “first aid” in cases where the body cannot cope on its own. Tissot also stated: “Movement as such can, in its action, replace all drugs, but all medicinal products the world is not able to replace the action of movement." The main thing is to teach the body to cope with stress, primarily physical, because it trains not only muscles, but also all vital systems. This is considerable and regular work, but for this a person is given a “feeling of muscular joy,” as the great doctor and teacher P. F. Lesgaft called this feeling almost a hundred years ago. Of course, physical and any other activities must correspond to the child’s age capabilities.

By the way, only physical exercise, including in physical education lessons, can mitigate the harm from sitting at a desk for many hours. So do not rush to exempt your child from physical education. This will not bring him even temporary relief in his busy school life. Even if he has a chronic disease (and even more so!), he needs to engage in physical education, only according to a special program.

And it is absolutely necessary for the child to understand: there is no happiness without health.

1. How much time a week do you spend with your children? According to sociological surveys, most adults on average devote no more than 1.5 hours a week to children! And how can we squeeze in heart-to-heart conversations, trips to the theater and nature, reading books and other common activities? Of course, this is not the fault, but the misfortune of most parents who are forced to spend all day at work in order to fill the family budget. But children should not be left to their own devices. It’s good if there are grandparents who can take on some of the problems of upbringing. What if they don't exist? Be sure to think about what your child will do during the hours free from studying and preparing homework. Sports sections (don’t forget to talk to the coach yourself) will not only take up time, but will help improve your health and develop motor skills and abilities. In the children's creativity center you can learn to sew, build airplanes, and write poetry. Let the child have the freedom to choose an activity, but he must know for sure: he has no time for idleness and boredom.
2. Take care of your child’s health and yours, learn to play sports with him, go on vacation, and go hiking. What delight a child experiences from an ordinary sausage roasted over a fire, from a crumbled piece of black bread that was found in a bag after returning from the forest, where you were picking mushrooms together. And a day spent in the garage with his father repairing a car will seem like a more important holiday to the boy than riding in the park on the “coolest” attraction. Just don’t miss the moment while the child is interested in it.

The same applies to the habit of household chores. The little one is interested in washing the dishes himself, peeling potatoes, and baking a pie with his mother. And this is also an opportunity to talk, tell, listen. We missed this moment - we “saved” the child so that he wouldn’t get his hands dirty, that’s all - we lost our assistant forever.

1. The desire of adults to avoid conversations with children on certain topics accustoms them to the idea that these topics are taboo. Evasive or distorted information causes unreasonable anxiety in children. And at the same time, there is no need to give children information that they do not ask for, that they cannot yet cope with emotionally, that they are not ready to comprehend. The best option is to give simple and direct answers to children's questions. So the parents themselves need to develop comprehensively - not only in the field of their specialty, but also in the field of politics, art, general culture, in order to be an example of morality for their children, a bearer of human virtues and values.
2. Do not unnecessarily protect teenagers from family problems, both psychological (even if an accident occurs, someone’s illness or death - this strengthens the soul and makes it more sensitive) and material (this teaches you to find a way out). A teenager needs positive and negative emotions. For the successful development of a child, it is useful to occasionally deny him something, limit his desires, thereby preparing him to overcome similar situations in the future. It is the ability to cope with troubles that helps a teenager develop as an individual. The role of an adult is, first of all, to help a child become an adult, that is, to teach him to confront reality, and not run away from it. By fencing off a child from the real world, even with the best intentions, parents deprive him of the opportunity to gain life experience and find his own path.

Never lie to a child, even if it is dictated by the best beliefs and concern for his peace of mind and well-being. Children, in some unknown way, sense lies in any form. And someone who has deceived once or twice can no longer expect trust.

1. If you have already made mistakes in parenting, it will be more difficult for you than at the beginning of your journey. But if you identify at least a drop of good in your child and then rely on this good in the process of upbringing, you will receive the key to his soul and achieve good results.

Such simple and succinct advice to educators can be found in ancient pedagogical manuals. Wise teachers persistently look for those positive qualities, relying on which one can achieve sustainable success in the formation of all others.

1. If you realized that you were wrong, neglected the opinion of your son or daughter in any issues important to them, do not be afraid to admit it first to yourself, and then to your child. And try not to repeat this mistake again. It’s easy to lose trust, but regaining it is long and difficult.

How to build a relationship with a teenager

To successfully survive all the adventures of adolescence, both parents and teenagers need to have a good idea of ​​how to get out of critical situations. During this period, everyone in the family begins to see those around them in a new way, everyone should, as it were, get to know each other again. Whether you will go through this stage with the least losses will depend on what prevails in the family - love or fear.

To lay the foundation for future changes in your relationship with your teenager, we suggest the following:

Ó You, the parent, need to communicate your fears and concerns clearly to your teen so that they can understand.

Ó As a teenager, you should be honest about what is happening to you and try to make people believe you. You should also talk about your fears and know that you will be listened to without criticism or judgment.

Ó You, the parent, must show your willingness to listen and understand. Understanding does not mean forgiveness at all. It simply creates a solid foundation on which to build further relationships.

Ó As a teenager, you must explain to your parents that you need them to listen to you, without giving advice until you ask them to do so.

Ó You, the parent, must understand that the teenager does not necessarily have to follow your advice.

Only by taking all this into account is a meaningful dialogue between two equal people and the subsequent development of new constructive forms of behavior possible.

Conversation with a teenager in adult language

Parents often encounter the problem that in adolescence, children become more withdrawn, uncontrollable and deliberately contradict adults. This often occurs because parents are too worried about their children: their safety, or, for example, their academic performance. But children have already grown up and are learning to take responsibility for their decisions.

Teenagers would like to ask their parents for advice on how best to implement their own ideas and decisions. They want to communicate with their parents “as equals.” But often parents, worried about their children, try to control all the actions of teenagers. Children, counting on the help of their parents, are faced with many prohibitions and perceive this as mistrust. Therefore, it is necessary and very important to find the strength within yourself to recognize that your teenager has already grown up and is worthy of speaking to you in “adult language.”

Of course, everything depends on the specific situation and the method of influencing a teenager must be selected individually. We offer several options:

Ó Create an unusual situation when the teenager expects resistance and mistrust on your part, and in return receives sincerity and help in resolving his issues.

Ó Support one of the teenager’s hobbies, guiding him if possible (for example, if the teenager is experimenting with explosives, give him a “Young Chemist” kit, which does not include dangerous experiments, and provide a place for studying). It is also important for parents to show interest in their children’s hobbies.

Ó Establish a family tradition where the family, getting together in the evening, shares the events that happened to each of them during the day.

Advice from a psychologist to parents of teenagers

Ó Appreciate your children’s frankness and be sincerely interested in their problems.

Ó Communicate as equals; the tone of the order will not work in your favor. Make it clear that you understand them.

Ó You cannot make fun of them, ridicule feelings, belittling their significance. Try to treat your children with respect, remember their vulnerability and sensitivity.

Ó Don’t be irritated or aggressive, be calm and restrained. Remember that your rudeness will cause them to react.

Ó Do not talk about the object of your child’s passion in a dismissive, insulting tone, thereby you will humiliate him.

Ó In no case should you rudely and categorically break off relations between teenagers, because they are just learning to communicate with each other and most often do not even think about anything bad.

Ó Invite his (her) girlfriend (friend) to your place, get to know each other - this will allow you to get an objective, more believable, and not unfounded, idea of ​​who your child is dating. It is better if you allow them to meet at your home so that they do not have to look for random and dubious dating shelters.

Ó Tell them about yourself, your story of first love - this will help you find mutual understanding with your child.

Ó If you can install with it friendly relations, then you will have the opportunity not only to control his behavior, but also to influence his actions.

Ó Allow the teenager to independently understand the object of his affection, and if he experiences disappointment in his feelings, let it come not from you, but from himself. He will feel that he is able to independently understand the situation and make decisions.

Ó Remember that, on the one hand, a teenager is in dire need of parental help when faced with many problems, and on the other hand, he strives to protect his inner world of intimate experiences from unceremonious and rude intrusion, and he has every right to do so.

How to communicate with a child so that he trusts you

Children often refuse to share their internal problems with their parents. Children learn that talking to their parents is useless and even unsafe. Many parents believe that if they fully accept their child, then he will remain as he is, and best way To change a child is to tell him what you don’t like about him, and criticism, moralizing, orders and persuasion are widely used for this.

This leads to the fact that the child turns away from his parents, stops talking to them, and keeps his feelings and problems to himself. It's not enough to just talk to your child, it's how you talk to him that matters.

For example, if a child says: “I don’t want to go to school. Everything they teach there is a bunch of unnecessary facts. You can do without them,” and you answer him: “We all also once felt the same about school - it will pass.”

The child may “hear” any (or all) of the hidden message:

û “You don’t consider my feelings important.”

û “You don’t accept me with these feelings of mine.”

û “You feel that it’s not about school, but about me.”

û “You don’t take me seriously.”

û “You don’t care how I feel.”

What are the alternative answers?

One of the most effective ways to respond to your child's messages about his feelings or problems is to encourage him to say more. For example: “Tell me about it,” “I want to hear about it,” “I’m interested in your point of view,” “Let’s discuss it,” “It sounds like this is important to you.” Or more simple phrases: “I see”, “Interesting”, “Really?”, “Really?”, “You’re not kidding”, etc.

This lets the child know that he is accepted and respected as a person, his opinions and feelings are important and valuable to you. Choose the right tone and do not answer peremptorily or sarcasticly - children may regard this as a disregard for their personality. Keep in mind that when a person “talks out” a problem, he often finds a better solution to it than when he simply thinks about it.

Pay attention not only to what the child says, but also to his facial expression, gestures, and posture.

Show your support and encouragement with more than just words. This could be your smile, a pat on the shoulder, a nod of your head, a look in the eyes, or a touch of your child.

If you are insincere in a conversation with a child, he will feel it and the conversation will be useless. Remember:

1) You must want to hear what the child says. This means you want to spend time listening. If you don't have time, you should say so.

2) You must sincerely want to help him with his problem at this time. If you don't want to, wait until you do.

3) You must sincerely be able to accept his feelings, whatever they are, and no matter how different from yours.

4) You must have a deep sense of trust in the child that he can deal with his feelings and look for solutions to his problems. You will develop this trust by watching your child solve his problems.

5) There is no need to be afraid of expressing feelings; they will not be permanently fixed inside the child, they are transitory.

6) You must be able to look at the child as a person separate from you - a unique individual no longer connected to you.

Tips for parents

1. Agree with the anxiety and displeasure. This is an age full of contradictions and anxiety. There is nothing abnormal in the fact that a teenager’s behavior is changeable and unpredictable, that he rushes from one extreme to another, loves his parents and hates them at the same time, etc.
2. Avoid trying to appear too understanding. Avoid statements such as “I understand exactly how you feel.” Teenagers are sure that they are unique, unique in their own way. Their feelings are something new and personal even for themselves. They see themselves as complex and mysterious beings, and they are genuinely upset when others make their experiences seem simple and naive.
3. Distinguish between consent and permission, tolerance and authorization. Parents may be tolerant of children's undesirable behavior (e.g. new hairstyle) - that is, actions that were not sanctioned or encouraged by parents.
4. Talk and act like an adult. Don't compete with your teenager by behaving like him using youth slang. Teenagers deliberately adopt a lifestyle that is different from that of their parents, and this is also part of the process of developing their personality. This is how their departure from their parents begins.
5. Be encouraging and supportive of your teen's strengths. Limit comments related to the bad aspects of the teenager's character. Reminders of shortcomings can greatly slow down communication between a teenager and a parent. The multi-step task of a parent is to create the kind of relationships and provide the adolescent with such life experiences that will strengthen character and create personality.
6. Avoid emphasizing weaknesses. When others discover character weaknesses, the teenager feels pain. And if the cause of this pain is the parents, then it does not go away longer.
7. Help your teenager think for himself. Don't increase your dependence on you. Speak in language that will help develop independence: “It’s your choice,” “Decide this issue yourself,” “You can be responsible for this,” “It’s your decision.” Parents should encourage their children to make their own decisions and teach them to doubt the correctness of the opinions of their peers.
8. Truth and compassion give birth to love. Take your time to clarify facts that you think have been distorted. Parents who are quick to punish will not teach you to respect the truth. Some parents are too quick to report exactly where, when and why they were right. Teenagers often respond to such statements with stubbornness and anger. Thus, sometimes the truth turns deadly family relations a weapon if the only goal is to get to the bottom of the truth.
9. Respect the need for privacy and privacy. This principle requires some distance, which may seem impossible for some parents.
10. Avoid loud phrases and sermons. Try talking instead of lecturing. Avoid statements like “When I was your age...”, “It hurt me more than it hurt you...”.
11. Don't give labels. “You are stupid and lazy. You'll never achieve anything." This “hanging” leads to the fact that the prediction comes true by itself. After all, children tend to conform to what their parents think of them.
12. Avoid ambiguous statements. A parent's message to a teenager should contain one piece of information: a clear prohibition, friendly permission, or an open opportunity to make a choice.
13. Avoid extremes: giving complete freedom is as wrong as “tightening the screws.”
14. Keep a sense of humor.

Parents of teenagers should know that...

The following are typical for teenagers: characterological reactions:

Ó Emancipation reaction manifests itself in the desire to free itself from the care and control of elders - relatives, teachers. It can be expressed in a persistent desire to always and everywhere do things “one’s way”, in violation of the orders and rules established by elders. Overprotection from elders, petty control, and deprivation of minimal independence and freedom can contribute to the aggravation of this reaction.

Ó Opposition reaction may be caused by excessive demands on the child, an unbearable load for him - the requirement to be an excellent student, to excel in language classes, music, etc. But more often this reaction is a consequence of the loss or sharp decrease in the usual attention from loved ones. The manifestations of opposition reactions among adolescents are very diverse - from skipping classes and running away from home to suicide attempts, most often demonstrative. For this purpose, deliberate flaunting of alcoholism or drug use can be used. All these demonstrations seem to say: “Pay attention to me - otherwise I will disappear!”

Ó Compensation reaction - this is the desire to compensate for your weakness and failure in one area with success in another. A sickly, physically weak boy compensates for his weakness with excellent academic success, allowing him to gain authority among his peers. Conversely, difficulties in learning can be compensated for by “brave” behavior, leadership in mischief, and, in the worst case, participation in antisocial companies.

Ó Overcompensation reaction . Here they persistently and persistently achieve high results precisely in the area where they are weak. It is precisely because of overcompensation that shy and timid boys, when choosing sports, give preference to brute force - boxing, sambo, and a teenager who suffered from a stutter enthusiastically devotes himself to literary reading and performs at amateur concerts.

Ó Peer grouping response . Teenagers have a strong need for their own identity and belonging to a group. Adolescents do not yet have a clearly realized “self-image” and often feel more secure among their own kind. The feeling of “I” is still difficult to isolate from “We” - teenagers become fans of rock groups, members of various informal organizations– punks, rockers, in the worst case – fascists. The group becomes the main regulator of behavior for a teenager. This may explain known fact that the vast majority of offenses among adolescents are committed in a group. There is a pattern: the younger the teenager’s age, the larger the group composition. As they grow older, the number of group members decreases. At the age of 16-18 years the group consists of 2-3 people.

Memo to parents of difficult-to-educate teenagers

Ó Treat the problem of a “difficult” child, first of all, from the perspective of understanding the difficulties of the child himself.

Ó Do not forget that the child is to some extent our reflection. Without understanding the reasons for his difficulty and eliminating them, we will not be able to help the child. Rise above your own problems to see your child's problems.

Ó Take a philosophical approach to difficulties in upbringing. They always happen. You should not think that there are “easy” children. Raising a child is always difficult, even with the most optimal conditions and possibilities.

Ó Beware of panic and fatalism. They are bad parenting companions. Don’t get used to fanning the fire of trouble from the spark of every difficult situation. Don't judge your child poorly because of some bad deed. Do not turn failure in one task into complete failure for the child.

Ó Finally, be optimistic! (I have problem child, but I believe in his perspective; we have many problems, but I see them, and a correctly posed problem is already half solved).

o Praise your child for good behavior in the same way that you point out mistakes and negative behavior. Encouragement will reinforce in his mind the idea of ​​correct action.

Ó Try to praise your child for any change for the better in his behavior, even if it is very minor.

Ó Remember that by using praise more often, you contribute to the development of self-confidence in your child.

Ó Try to teach your child how to correct a wrong action. Talk to your child in a tone of respect and cooperation.

Ó Involve the child in the decision-making process.

Ó Remember that you are a model of correct behavior for your child.

Ó You cannot expect a child to do something that he cannot do.

Ó Refrain from statements that the child is not suitable for anything, from rudeness in the “disgusting, stupid” style. Evaluate the act itself, not the person who committed it.

o Take every opportunity to show your child your love.

Ó Listen to the child and try to understand his point of view, you don’t have to agree with him, but thanks to the attention you showed him, he feels like a full and worthy participant in events.

Remember that the child is more willing to obey the rules in the establishment of which he took part.

"Difficult teenager." What should parents do?

To avoid leading your relationship with your teenager to a dead end, pay attention to the following tips:

Ó Notice even minor changes in the teenager’s behavior, since at first antisocial behavior manifests itself episodically, situationally. Later, deviations occur more often, positive qualities cease to dominate, but remain. And finally, antisocial behavior becomes a habit.

Ó Do not abuse punishments and prohibitions. Find the reason or reasons for the teenager's behavior. Remember that your child needs an individual approach.

Ó Talk to your child, avoiding harsh language. Talk to him, explain, but don’t put conditions on him, don’t immediately demand ideal behavior. Introduce comprehensive changes to the teenager’s daily routine, society, and leisure time.

Ó It is necessary to find the strengths or, better to say, the qualities of a teenager and use them correctly, develop them, giving him feasible tasks.

Ó Strengthen the teenager’s cognitive interest. Involve your son or daughter in different types activities, but keep the situation under constant control.

Ó You need to believe in the child - this is the main thing! It is of great importance for a difficult teenager to experience happiness and joy from success. This is the greatest incentive for self-improvement.

What should NOT be done with a teenager?

Ó Do not allow your teenager to disrespect you or be rude towards him.

Ó Do not demand immediate and blind obedience, do not use threats or humiliate children.

Ó Do not start conversations with accusations and do not interrupt when the child explains his actions.

Ó Don’t bribe your teenager or force him to promise not to do something you don’t like.

Ó Do not deviate from the rules and traditions introduced in the family, except in unusual cases.

Ó Don’t be jealous of your son or daughter’s friends, welcome them into your home and try to get to know each other better.

O Don't give negative assessment the object of the teenager’s attention, even if you don’t like the choice.

Communication between parents and teenage children

If you feel concerned or worried about your teenage child, then it’s time to change something in your own life, look at it with different eyes.

Ó The most positive influence that parents can have on the lives of children at this age is to support, respect and love them. Firmness and consistency are very important parenting qualities. If we want our children to grow up kind and loving people, then you yourself should treat them kindly and with love.

Ó It is important to remember: the more prohibitions from adults, the worse. It would be right to change your attitude towards the child’s actions and actions. The calmer and more balanced the parents are, the more likely it is that adolescence will go smoothly, without complications. As a result, children will emerge from it more mature and independent.

Ó A child’s desire for independence is a normal, healthy need. If it is expressed in ways that are unacceptable from your point of view, then do not react to it too emotionally. Avoid irritation, shouting, and aggression, because the more often a teenager sees his parents losing control, the less he respects them. If this helps to get rid of negative emotions somewhat, try to imagine that it is not your child who is doing all this, but, for example, the child of your neighbors. Then you will be able to feel that you are not taking what is happening so personally. Rather, these are feelings of surprise and regret, but not feelings of anger.

Ó Some parents feel the need to treat their children as peers. This is, of course, good if the purpose of such communication is not the need for parents to shift their psychological problems onto the child’s shoulders. You cannot cry into your own child’s vest or consult with him about your adult problems, otherwise the teenager will feel insecure in this world. Of course, you can consult with your child, but not in order to shift the burden of decision-making onto him and receive emotional support. We cannot ask children to ease our suffering. If parents cease to be authorities, then children are more easily influenced by bad influences.

The purpose of education is to teach our children to do without us.

Ó If parents ignore the child’s right to independence, then he may grow up subordinate to the parental will, submissive and unable to realize his place in life. Such a child, over time, may begin to take revenge on his parents for the excessively strong “hugs” that suppress the independent development of his personality.

Ó Parents need to learn to develop trust that your child can make the right decisions himself and you need to let the teenager feel this trust in his actions. He cannot be considered a helpless creature who needs permanent councils, care and support.

Ó Try to change the way you think: everything you do should be aimed at giving your teenager independence in making decisions.

In order for the process of separation of a teenager to be completed successfully, we recommend that parents:

û Perceive the child as he is, and not as you would like him to be.

û Encourage the child to express independent thoughts, feelings and actions.

û Do not fall into despair and depression if the child refuses your help.

û Don’t try to live your life for your child.

û Recognize the child as an independent person, with his own desires and aspirations.

Parents, react to your teenager’s actions not by changing your internal state (resentment, depression), but by changing your EXTERNAL behavior. Children learn not by words, but by parental actions and deeds. Very often, parents, when communicating with their child, forget about themselves, about their own desires. Adults do not leave a minute of time for themselves; they are completely absorbed in solving the child’s problems. How much energy do you think is contained in such a desire to improve a child’s life? Where can energy even come from if you completely blocked access to it? Only a happy, fulfilled parent can understand and make their child happy. Therefore, do not deny yourself your desires. Think about it, because you owe it not only to your child, you owe it to yourself too. Try to listen to those bold and involuntary thoughts that you have and that you previously suppressed in yourself. Listen to your inner self, what does it really want?

The most important thing you can do for yourself and your child is to take control of your own life. Make it the way you want, then your child’s life will change for the better.

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ABSTRACT

Features of adolescents raised in low-income foster families

Introduction

1. Characteristic features of adolescence

2. Study of the functioning of guardian families

3. The influence of social conditions on the psyche of a teenager

Conclusion

References

Introduction

Modern living conditions, which actualize the problem of survival for all members and layers of society, significantly influence the younger generation.

The problem of social orphanhood in our country has become especially acute due to the unfavorable socio-economic situation. The number of children deprived of parental care has remained consistently high since the beginning of the 90s.

Social orphanhood gives rise to a number of pressing problems in the education system. This includes placing orphans in orphanages, foster families, and families of guardians. Currently, our education system is focused both on providing assistance to children and adolescents deprived of parental care and on preventing social orphanhood.

According to the analysis of statistical data in Russia, the number of orphans and children left without parental care increases every year

According to official statistics, at the end of 2004, there were about 867.8 thousand orphans and children left without parental care in the Russian Federation. Every year their number increases by an average of 100 thousand people (1, 5).

Both in Russia as a whole and in the Belgorod region, social orphans make up the vast majority of children left without parental care (95%), and in 60% of cases they were born to mothers aged 16 to 19 years

Currently, from among the identified children, the following are sent to the Russian Federation:

In institutions for children left without parental care - 30%;

Under guardianship and trusteeship - 50%;

To foster families - 9%;

For adoption - 7%;

To family educational groups - 0.5%

In Russia, there has been a sharp increase in the number of institutions for orphans and children left without parental care: over the past three years, 202 institutions have been opened for children with normal intelligence and 23 institutions for children with developmental disabilities.

The problem of deinstitutionalization (the transition from institutions for children left without parental care to family forms of placement) has become particularly relevant in recent years. This process is important for society as a whole (there is no need to build new orphanages and spend a lot of money on their maintenance), but, most importantly, it brings invaluable benefits to the children themselves.

1. Characteristics of adolescence

Depending on specific social conditions, culture, and the traditions that exist in raising children, this transition period may have different contents and different durations. At present, in the conditions of our country, this period of development covers approximately the age from 10-11 to 14-15 years, generally coinciding with the education of children in middle school.

Most often, the difficulties of adolescence are associated with puberty as the cause of various psychophysiological and mental abnormalities. During rapid growth and physiological restructuring of the body, adolescents may experience a feeling of anxiety, increased excitability, depression, many of them sometimes begin to feel clumsy and awkward due to the discrepancy in growth rates different parts body and a sharp change in its proportions, etc.

As a result, at this age we meet the most a large number so-called “difficult” children. But even completely healthy teenagers are characterized by extreme instability of moods and behavior, constant fluctuations in self-esteem, changes physical condition and well-being, vulnerability, inappropriate reactions.

L. S. Vygotsky called the key problem of this period the problem of the interests of a teenager, when there is destruction and withering away of previous groups (dominants) of interests and the development of new ones. He included among them the “egocentric dominant” (a teenager’s interest in his own personality), the “dominant of distance” (the dominance of broad interests aimed at the future over today’s current interests), the “dominant of effort” (the craving for resistance, overcoming, volitional efforts that often manifests itself in stubbornness, protest, hooliganism), the “dominant of romance” (the desire for the unknown, risky, heroic). The emergence of new interests leads to the transformation of the old and the emergence new system motives that change the social situation of a teenager’s development. A change in the social situation of development leads to a change in leading activity, the result of which is new psychological formations of adolescence, which include the self-awareness of the individual.

2. Study of the functioning of guardian families

Over the course of a number of years, in the laboratory of social orphanhood at the Childhood Research Institute of the Russian Federation (headed by N.P. Ivanova), more than 800 families of caregivers in different regions of Russia were examined. The survey results allow us to draw conclusions about the ability of guardians to create appropriate conditions for raising children, as well as about the well-being of children in these families.

The vast majority of guardians are the child's grandmothers (88%), while a minority (12%) are grandfathers. There are no more than 2% of strangers among guardians. It follows that guardianship developed as a form of placing a child in a family of relatives who do not want to leave him in trouble or send him to a boarding school. Most often, the guardian is a pensioner (20% are over 70 years old, 40% are from 50 to 60 years old.) And this means that for the most part, guardianship families need constant individual support and assistance, even if they do not ask for it. This should also include financial support, especially for families where children do not receive benefits, since only about 30% of guardians said that they do not need help. Almost 40% of the families surveyed live in extreme poverty. Children have no conditions for games, activities, or even proper nutrition. There is a very poor situation in the apartments, a minimum of clothing. Sometimes even children sleep with their grandmothers, since there is no money to buy another bed.

This situation complicates social adaptation, gives rise to anxiety and pessimism in caregivers, and self-doubt in children who are embarrassed by their poverty and experience ridicule from their peers. Almost all teenagers are forced to go to vocational school. Since there is no opportunity or support for obtaining a better education.

Very elderly people take responsibility for teenagers from 8 to 17 years old (69%), children from 4 to 7 years old (32.4%), and very young children under 3 years old (20%). Large quantity teenagers in early adolescence and adolescence, assigned to guardianship, confirm that this is a sign of social orphanhood, and with rather late detection, when the school already raises the alarm and the secret becomes apparent. It is clear that the physical and moral condition of such children is below any level. They have delays in mental, emotional, and speech development. Moreover, these delays and deviations in development are not the same. Sometimes social competence far exceeds intellectual and emotional competence.

It is necessary to note another alarming fact - the age of grandmothers of guardians is getting younger from year to year. In recent years, 50% of caregivers are between 40 and 60 years old. This means that they themselves lose their adult children early (mainly daughters, who either become alcoholics, are in the unknown, etc.) Moreover, the degradation of the father does not turn into a tragic event for the child as long as he is alive or does not drink mother. And when maternal care disappears, the child becomes an orphan. In this case, the child, having assigned housing, essentially cannot use it together with his guardian, since the situation created there does not predispose him to this (drunkenness, antisocial lifestyle, broken, destroyed apartments). Unfortunately, children live in such conditions for quite a long time time.

In 20% of cases, the reason for establishing guardianship is the death of a single mother. At the same time, there is a father who has not been deprived of parental rights, who has created another family, is very prosperous, but does not want to take care of the child from his first marriage.

Guardianship is established three times more often (71%) over one child. Apparently, if there are more children, then the grandmothers do not agree to custody. And the children are assigned to an institution.

Noteworthy is the significant number of caregivers who need support, advice, consultation, real help on the part of teachers, educators, and specialists from guardianship authorities. That is, for many reasons, guardianship families require competent support, which has not yet been organized for these families. And guardians do not turn to existing Family Assistance Centers due to low social competence.

The most important indicator of children’s adaptation is their acceptance of their past, a positive attitude towards their blood parents, former family. And there is no doubt that in the custodial family of their relatives, children know everything about their parents. Unfortunately, often grandparents, without choosing expressions, directly determine the behavior of their daughters (80%). The remaining 20% ​​of children, especially young ones, do not know the whole truth and believe that “mom is on a business trip,” “left to earn money,” when in reality she is in prison or simply abandoned the child. Guardians do not try to maintain real relationships between children and their parents. Many children themselves do not want to meet with them and have a negative attitude towards these attempts.

A special group consists of families (8%) in which guardians and the child continue to live with their parents. Significant problems arise in such families: drinking parents live on guardian pensions or child benefits. In such families, the social adaptation of children is complicated by a tense environment, when children are afraid of their parents and experience ill-treatment. Sometimes living with mentally ill parents is a traumatic factor.

One of the indicators of children's social adaptation is success in obtaining an education. The survey showed that preschoolers attend kindergarten, and 82% of schoolchildren are placed in schools and boarding schools. They come home only on Saturday and Sunday. That is, in essence, this is hidden social orphanhood. Older children studied at vocational schools, only 1 person entered a university. Among primary school students, 7% are excellent students, but the funds for additional education No. More than 50% of children study without desire, some say they hate school. Almost everyone is bad at math and English. They cannot get help at home from their caregivers.

40% of children attend free clubs. They do it with pleasure and desire. 60% do not go to clubs, and do not want to go.

It is important to understand how much children enjoy living with their caregiver. Their answers show that 86% like to live in a family, the rest are dissatisfied with such a life for various reasons. Teenagers who are already looking for their own significant people in their environment outside the family.

The emotional state of children is determined by the nature of communication with elders, the rewards and punishments that are applied to their wards. They are encouraged (67%) for help around the house and academic success; they are rarely praised, little. Encouragement is expressed in the purchase of sweets or gifts. They punish (55%): they scold, they don’t allow them to go for walks, they don’t allow them to watch TV, etc. In 6% of families, physical punishment is used: they are punished with a belt, beaten.

A joyful event is a birthday, which is celebrated in 87% of families. The form of celebration is traditional: a feast with relatives, although the children are happy - they are brought gifts. During the survey, guardians tried to paint a more prosperous picture of their relationship with the child than actually exists. Caregivers do not consider existing relationship problems to be too serious. However, it was found that in 11% of families, relationships between guardians and children are tense, there is no normal emotional contact, and quarrels are frequent. In 12% of families, relationships are frankly bad, there are scandals and even fights. In many families, caregivers drink.

All these circumstances cannot but influence the formation of children’s ideas about their future. All teenagers and their guardians associate the future only with study or work. Most children understand that the most realistic thing for them is to enroll in college after 9th grade, in order to then get a good job that will allow them to enter a university. Although teenagers cannot say exactly who they want to be and where they will go. The opinions of guardians and pupils differ in 30% of cases. Another 30% of guardians do not interfere at all with the plans of their pupils, and do not even know about them. In 5% of cases, guardians have a negative attitude towards the teenager’s future, believing that “he just needs to go out and have more money.” The children themselves are also concerned about the instability of their lives (“I’ll stay for a second year, my grandfather will send me to a boarding school”). Their own plans in their personal life are related to their future family and living separately from their guardians. Some children dream of taking their father and mother with them.

The study showed that in guardianship families there are specific problems that complicate the social adaptation of children. Among them are the advanced age of guardians, poor psycho-physical condition, and financial difficulties that do not allow children to receive a quality education and develop abilities and interests. Unable to cope with upbringing, grandmothers choose indulgent hyperprotection and overprotection. Children mature early and take responsibility for their elderly caregivers. These problems are mitigated if the family of caregivers has younger relatives: aunts, uncles, older sisters and brothers.

A special group of children consists of children recently placed in care and those who have experienced the death of their parents. Guardians do not know how to help the child and often aggravate his condition by wrong actions.

The group of unrelated custodial families is of great interest. If relatives most often take out of despair, because they are uncomfortable in front of people, out of pity, then strangers want to help the child, do a good deed, eliminate injustice. This type of motivation involves accepting older children and those who are not entirely healthy. Such motives help to cope with difficulties and problems that arise with the child. Unfortunately, in our society non-relative guardianship is not promoted in any way.

The attitude towards guardians - relatives - is rather judgmental: if you couldn’t raise your children well, raise your grandchildren. Perhaps this position is also determined by the fact that these families do not have support and assistance in the process of their existence. Although, as the examination shows, children are in dire need of psychological correction and rehabilitation. Caregivers should feel that their actions are constantly monitored and that they can always receive help and support from specialists. However, support for guardian families is not organized. Although it is these families and children who need the help of a psychologist: both during the period of joining a new family, and when working with anxiety, fear of loneliness, and melancholy of the child.

3. The influence of social conditions on the psyche of a teenager

“Bad social conditions certainly affect the human psyche and brain,” said Anastasia Suntsova, director of the Child Neuropsychology research center. - A negative social environment imposes certain restrictions on the child. Under their influence, he cannot reveal his abilities and realize the talents given by nature. Accordingly, those areas of the brain that are responsible for these abilities do not develop.”

“Not long ago, German and Russian scientists conducted a study, during which it turned out that the intellectual development of an individual very much depends on the love of others received in childhood. This is why most children in orphanages are inferior in intellectual development to well-to-do children.” Scientists divided the children into two groups. Some babies were placed in favorable, almost greenhouse conditions, while others were placed in ordinary conditions. After some time, it turned out that the intelligence indicators of children from the first group were growing at a faster pace.

So poverty really does damage the brain. But why, then, very often in life do we see how difficult conditions become positive motivation? Many famous people were brought up in poor families. Firstly, there is no need to equate material security with the psychological background in the family. Still, it is the background that mainly influences the personality and its mental capabilities. Secondly, success in society does not necessarily mean high intelligence. Often, children with outstanding talent are significantly inferior to their peers in terms of basic intelligence.

Psychologists believe that two concepts such as mental development and social adaptation should not be confused.

Conclusion

It is sadly known that there is a special and, unfortunately, very numerous category of members of our society, whose representatives live in conditions of so-called “mental subdeprivation”, as a result of which a certain distortion of personality development occurs. It's about about children deprived of parental care at one age or another and staying in orphanages and orphanages. In order to become a full-fledged person, a child must be raised in an emotionally warm and stable environment. If emotional contact with close adults or surrounding people is disrupted, the child lives, as it were, in “enemy” territory; circumstances suppress him, his expectations for the future are pessimistic, he constantly feels weaker than others, unloved. As a result, he develops very low self-esteem and a feeling of inferiority. Self-doubt that arises in childhood, as a rule, becomes a stable formation, a kind of characteristic of orphanage pupils.

Studies have shown that people who had impaired emotional contact with others in early ontogenesis, in middle age (about 30 years old) find it more difficult to adapt to the environment, more often exhibit neurotic symptoms and, as a rule, are not capable of joint activities.

The mental, including emotional, development of children is associated with the nature of their interpersonal relationships with adults - parents, educators, teachers, guardians, etc.

In orphanages, children experience a lack of communication with adults, so the guardian family from this side undoubtedly plays a positive role in the development of adolescents. However, the social position of guardians that has developed in Russia today remains negative side influence of the guardian family on the development of the child. Children develop feelings of inferiority, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. This often pushes teenagers to commit crimes with a selfish orientation.

In order for guardianship families to bring maximum benefit to adolescents raised in these families, it is necessary to provide material and pedagogical assistance to guardians, as well as monitor the targeted use of allocated funds.

It is necessary to organize various seminars for guardians that would help them to correctly approach the upbringing of orphans, because a teenager is an empty vessel that is filled with what he sees around him, and an orphan teenager is a psychologically traumatized child who requires close and sensitive attention from the adults close to him around him.

The family can act as both a positive and negative factor in education. The positive impact on the child’s personality is that no one, except the people closest to him in the family, treats the child better, loves him and cares about him so much. And at the same time no other social institution cannot potentially do as much harm in raising children as a family can.

social orphanhood psyche teenager

References

1. Kornev, P.O. Study of the functioning of custodial families // Socis. 2004. No. 4. - pp. 11-13.

2. Krasnitskaya, K.O. Development of family forms of placement of orphans in Russia [Text] / K.O. Krasnitskaya // Children's home. - 2004. - No. 2. - P. 5-8

3. Kuchinskaya E.V. Attitude to the social environment juvenile offenders with selfish orientation // Questions of psychology. - 1996. - No. 4 - pp. 55-62.

4. Pashina A.Kh., Ryazanova E.P. Features of the emotional sphere of pupils and employees of an orphanage // Psychological Journal. - 1993 - T.14, No. 1. - from 44-52.

5. Solovyova Yu.V. Features of the intelligence of children living in different sociocultural conditions // World of Psychology. - 2002 - No. 1. - from 73-83.

6. Social psychology V modern society: Textbook for universities / T.L. Alavidze, T.M. Andreeva, A.I. Dontsova and others; Ed. T.M. Andreeva, A.I. Dontsova. - M.: AspectPress, 2002. - 335 p.

7. Social psychology. Textbook for universities / comp.: R.I. Moshkantsev. - Novosibirsk: Siberian Agreement.: M.: INFRA-M, 2001. - 408 p.

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Psychologist's advice

for adoptive parents and guardians.

Typical features in the behavior of children in an orphanage or boarding school

Adults who have dealt only with children at home are sometimes put in a difficult position by the actions they observe, the actions of the child in charge government agency. Some people think that this is abnormal, attributing it to deficiencies in mental development, the conditions of upbringing, some are trying to correct the “abnormality,” some are lost, and some, when faced with difficulties, retreat, considering attempts to help them futile.

1. Insufficient development of the child’s hygienic and household skills. This can be expressed, for example, in the fact that without an extra reminder, a child may not brush his teeth before bed, take a shower, wash his hands after using the toilet, before eating, wash the dishes after himself, etc. This is not a sign of the child’s sloppiness or carelessness, but is simply explained by the fact that in a boarding school children are taught to do many things “on command,” collectively and under the supervision of a teacher.

2. Problems with food and nutrition. Children refuse to eat unfamiliar food, are picky eaters, and sometimes do not eat their portions. Or, on the contrary, they eat everything and a lot. This is also explained by the habit of special organization of meals for children in the boarding school. Meals there occur strictly according to the regime, at strictly established times and in strictly calculated calories.

3. Developmental delay compared to ordinary children. For example, inability or unwillingness to read, superficial perception of the environment, inability to concentrate, lack of cognitive interest. This is explained by the lack of an individual approach to all children.
4. Consumer attitude towards adults and things. A child can easily give an ultimatum: “I will sleep, (read, do homework, etc.) - if you buy me what I want!” In stores he may demand to buy an expensive toy or clothes, and if he refuses, he may accuse him of greed. The reason lies in the formation of a consumer attitude towards others by the very system of keeping children in orphanages and boarding schools. Often, children themselves never produce anything to provide for their needs: their things are washed, they are cleaned after them, and technical workers cook for them. In rare cases, children can only occasionally participate in cooking and cleaning the premises (on duty, etc.).

5. Poverty of emotional development. The child may not be interested in anything except TV, computer, mobile phone. Sometimes it is very difficult to persuade them to go to a museum or on an excursion.
6 . Inability to do interesting things. An activity that you think is interesting can quickly bore your child, and a collective, familiar and beloved hobby in your family may not interest him at all.
7. Rejection of activities that require tension or effort. The child may make excuses, citing fatigue, inability, or exhaustion.
8. Inability to express your feelings in words. Trying to cuddle, the child may start a fight with you or simply grab your hand tightly. He may suddenly become silent, cry, or, conversely, laugh and laugh for no reason at first glance.
9. Aggressive, envious, jealous attitude towards other children. The child may demonstrate an inability to build positive relationships with children outside of their own environment. May offend younger children, constantly complain about older children, take away or appropriate toys, clothes and other things, be rude to older children and disobey them.

10. Changing behavior tactics. At first, the child behaves normally and adequately, but once he gets used to it, he radically changes his behavior, not for the better.

11. Inability to contact children not from one’s own environment, build positive relationships: they don’t know how to play with little ones, they offend them, take away their toys, talk rudely to older children.

It should be taken into account that children raised in orphanages and boarding schools sometimes have a rather vague idea of ​​​​ownership and the value of things and toys. Therefore, do not be surprised if the expensive toy you gave may turn out to be broken the very next day or exchanged for some broken watch. They can sometimes take any item in your home and “take it apart” without asking. And if you scold them, they will be offended - “what did I actually do?” - simply because it is “not in their rules of the game.” It is possible that you may encounter theft. Moreover, this could be an elementary lack of will and the habit that “everything around is common, and therefore mine.” An interesting psychological moment was noted that one of the mentors once encountered. “The child stole money to show others how “rich” I am (in his understanding, of course), while clearly being proud of ME, demonstrating to others that I give him so much money for “pocket expenses” and how good he is with ME.”

It is very important to immediately establish the “rules of the game” accepted in the family. For example: “in our house they don’t shout or swear,” “they say “thank you” and “please” if they ask for something, they don’t take anything without asking, they take care of each other, etc.

Focus on some valuables that are especially noteworthy for your family, so that later you don’t suddenly find out that a favorite vase left by your great-grandmother is broken. Tell your child about this vase inadvertently, about its value for your family history, thus “include” him in your family, thereby letting him understand that you do not consider him a stranger and trust him with family “secrets” and traditions.

Don’t be lazy to repeat - put away your socks, fold your clothes neatly, wash your hands, etc. etc. Many children do not have such basic skills.

A child can be involved in family affairs, especially if he himself expresses a desire, without saying that it is too early for you or that you will not be able to do it. Let him try, and in case of difficulties, support him and help him cope with difficulties. It is very good to immediately agree on some small responsibilities around the house that are assigned to the child (“in our family, everyone has responsibilities!”).

But at the same time, children need to be taught a lot - to wash (often they simply hand over things to the laundry), and to sew, and to hammer nails (for this, the institution has a carpenter and other personnel).

Do something around the house - involve him in everything: prepare dinner - let him bring something, cut something, clean the apartment - let him wipe the dust on the shelves, etc. You should not force or force someone to do something. New skills need to be taught in small portions, with daily reminders of what needs to be done.

It is no coincidence that children behave this way. The child no longer has the usual boundaries and rules of behavior, they have disappeared, and he has not yet been told about new ones, and he is trying to understand how the environment in which he finds himself will react to his very different behavioral reactions. This is a completely natural process, you need to understand it. During this period, the child’s character traits are very clearly manifested. Some of the children withdraw into themselves, while others demonstrate their full temperament. Starts jumping, running, screaming. Some say that this is increased aggressiveness, hyperactivity is because the child sensed freedom.

Behavior and emotions that a child raised in an institution for orphans and children left without parental care may exhibit, and how you should behave competently in such cases.

The child is overly excited.

Reasons. At boarding school, every day is almost the same. Everything that happens is organized according to a schedule and daily routine. The child sees the same children and adults every day and performs the same habitual actions. Everything happens under the control of teachers. Once in the family, he sees a completely different life, which is full of new, vivid impressions. These are completely new smells, colors, unusual tactile, sound and sensory sensations. All the child’s senses receive a kind of overload. The child begins to behave a little inappropriately, sometimes inappropriately for his age. He becomes overly active and agitated and talks a lot. It may also be the other way around: the child seems depressed and depressed, his actions are slow.

Try to establish a daily routine (meal time, sleep, daytime rest, getting up in the morning, etc.) in the first days of the child’s stay in the family, as close as possible to that which exists in a boarding school.

2. The child is greedy.

The “horn of plenty” effect. Imagine the feelings of a child when, from a home where everything is common and nothing is his own, he finds himself in a family atmosphere, where everyone has their own things, and you can take food from the refrigerator when you get hungry. And at the same time realize that this is only today, and tomorrow it cannot be, that this is temporary. Naturally, you want to eat for future use, collect it, and hide it in reserve. If on the first day you, as hospitable hosts, allow him to take whatever he wants and eat as much as he wants at any time, then he will always do this. And you run the risk of quickly boiling over with indignation at the fact that he asks for more and more. Many children overeat at first, so it is necessary to set some limits. You can, for example, put a plate of fruit, allow you to eat everything, but warn that as soon as they run out, there will be no new ones.

Sometimes children try to beg or take possession of things they like in your house. Do not hesitate to tell your child that these are not his things, but yours, and therefore they cannot be taken. When you say “no,” the response may be a dissatisfied grimace, an outburst of anger or aggression. But you cannot create a sense of permissiveness in a child; this is the “profession” of a parent.

3. Difficulties with switching attention. The combination of novelty, excitement, and overstimulation sometimes prevents children from switching from one activity to another. Especially if the child likes what he does and they don't care about the consequences, what happens next. In such cases, it is useful to warn the child in advance how long he can do this, plan, discuss with him what things need to be done in a day, periodically reminding him of the agreement. You need to make sure that the child does not get overtired or overexcited, so do not plan many activities, find time to relax.

Some children may think that on weekends and holidays they are supposed to do nothing and refuse help around the house. Therefore, it is better to warn them about this in advance. It is useful in the evening to discuss what you managed to do during the day and what needs to be done tomorrow.

Don't be afraid to set limits. Children government institutions They do not expect complete freedom; they are familiar with the prohibitions. This allows them to feel safe, and you need to establish prohibitions in order to preserve strength, property, and reduce the likelihood of disappointment, resentment and bewilderment. Before you welcome a child, take a look around your home, imagine having an overactive one-and-a-half-year-old living with you, even if you are inviting an older child. Consider in what cases you will need to establish a ban, what to remove and hide from the child’s eyes. Practice saying “no!” and really mean it.

4. Overestimation of your strengths. Despite the restrictions in the children's institution, children are often left to their own devices. They tend to overestimate their strengths and capabilities and underestimate the surrounding dangers. Many are accustomed and insensitive to pain. It is normal for these children to say that they are not afraid of anything, that it costs them nothing to do this and that, while they have no idea how to do it (for example, swim in the pool, ride a skating, cycling). You can find them on the roof of a house, on the top beam of a swing, on the top of a tree. Therefore, be careful that they do not fall into dangerous places alone. These children may be insensitive to pain and may not complain or show that they have been hurt or injured. If a child falls and does not cry, this does not mean that he is not in pain. Therefore, until you learn to understand him, anticipate his actions, “see through him” and find out what he is capable of, watch him carefully.

5.Personal hygiene. In orphanages, special conditions for maintaining body cleanliness differ from those at home. Therefore, at first, many children refuse to shower and bath. And others, on the contrary, from the pleasure they receive, organize a sea battle and a flood in the bathroom. While you are sure that your child has understood the rules of use, do not leave them alone in the bathroom. If a teenager is shy. Then let an adult of the same sex watch him.

6. Going to bed. In a boarding school, children go to bed strictly according to a schedule, without fairy tales or lengthy persuasion. Since it is difficult for a child to fall asleep in an excited state, try to make him relax and calm down before going to bed.

Many children have never been left alone at night and therefore, if you have a child of the same sex, it is better to put them in the same room or stay with him until he falls asleep. Children are often afraid of the dark because... In the dark, fears appear that are forgotten during the day. Therefore, you can leave a night light in the room and be close to it. Sometimes you can put his bed in the same room as you, but it is better not to let him sleep in your bed. It is better to show your child in advance the location of the rooms in the apartment and let him know that you are nearby.

7. Traumatic experience. Children who have experienced trauma or violence in their lives may show anxiety, fear, hypervigilance, and have difficulty trusting adults. They have difficulty controlling their feelings and may react unexpectedly harshly to completely favorable circumstances. Conversely, such children can be affectionate, restless, demanding, and afraid of losing sight of adults. They may have inexplicable fears intrusive thoughts, night restlessness and nightmares. A sharp reaction can be caused by those circumstances, sounds, smells that remind you of the stress you have suffered.

If your child is showing these signs, it is important not to ask him to talk about the event that caused the trauma, but to find out what is causing his anxiety at the moment. Gentleness, warmth, kindness, patience and care can help them. Try to understand what scares and worries him, make it clear that you will protect him.

Main stages of adaptation

"Honeymoon". This stage begins even before the child’s final arrival in the family: during his first visits. This intermediate stage is convenient for the development of relationships between the child and parents. At this stage, everything usually goes just fine: the parents try to make the child feel good, encourage him, give him gifts, and the child, in turn, tries his best to please him.
During the “honeymoon”, adoptive parents should treat the child’s feelings with care: they should not call him son or daughter, pretend to be a parent, or try to get closer quickly. Also, there is no need to overload the child with new impressions - his psyche may not be able to cope with a large amount of fresh information. It happens that new experiences have a negative impact on the child. As a result, he begins to experience anxiety, sleep poorly, and experience mood swings. In such a situation, you need to be as attentive as possible to the child.

“No longer a guest.” The second stage of adaptation is characterized by a relationship crisis. It may seem to adoptive parents that a good and sweet child has suddenly been replaced. He stops obeying and behaves differently than adults want. At such a moment, adoptive parents may become afraid, have they made a mistake? Did you do the right thing by taking this child into the family? It should be noted here that such situations are a natural process. Moreover, in most cases, it indicates that family relationships are developing correctly.

Main causes of the crisis:

The emergence of trust in adoptive parents and the weakening of the “emotional spring”. No matter how strange it may sound, the deterioration of the child’s behavior should be considered as a good sign. The fact is that the child tried very hard to please adults during the entire period, which we conventionally called the “honeymoon.” However, it is impossible to restrain oneself for a long time - and at some point the child “let go” of emotional tension and begins to react to stressful situations in the usual way for oneself, formed in a “past” life. In fact, from this moment on, the child trusts the family with his true, not entirely attractive sides - this is a sign of closeness in a relationship. The child feels that he “will no longer be driven away.”
2. The child’s unpreparedness for emerging demands and expectations.
The deterioration of a child's behavior can be contributed to by the mistakes of his adoptive parents. You should not demand gratitude from a child - he, of course, is grateful, but does not yet know how to express his feelings.
Also, there is no need to attribute to the child more knowledge and skills than he has. We must not forget about the child's difficulties associated with emotional and intellectual problems.
3. An increase in children's anxiety due to an incomplete understanding of their place and role in the host family. This circumstance can further disturb a little person. The child requires clarification from adults about his future. But before starting such a conversation, it is necessary to coordinate this issue with a social worker.
4. The child’s previous traumatic life experiences.
When a child trusts his family, he begins to symbolically talk about his intra-family relationships in his “former” life. He simply needs to relive his past experiences with the help of emotions and actions in order to develop further normally.

Why is a crisis necessary for foster care?

A crisis helps parents discover their child's problems. It is impossible to move to the next stage of adaptation in a foster family without going through a crisis period. Unresolved emotional problems will remind themselves again and again and pull the family back.
Having gone through a crisis, adoptive parents acquire the necessary confidence and become more highly qualified educators, which undoubtedly helps them achieve great success in strengthening the family.
The child also begins to feel more confident in the family: he knows for sure that he will not be kicked out, even if he does something wrong.
When the crisis is successfully overcome, the child’s anxiety level decreases and self-esteem increases, which allows him to build more harmonious relationships with family members.
After all, nothing brings a family together better than overcoming difficulties together!

"Getting used to it." At this stage, the adoptive family may also experience some problems. It often happens that parents do not pay enough attention to natural children, if they are in the family. Increased attention to an adopted child can irritate natural children and cause rejection, jealousy, and rebellion. They, like the foster child, may also begin to behave badly, their mood and performance at school may decrease. However, problems with an adopted child will help parents better understand the problems of natural children. But, nevertheless, at this stage, as a rule, both the adoptive parents and the child breathe freely. The child begins to truly feel at home and accepts the rules of behavior that have developed in the family. The child’s appearance also changes: he gains weight, the condition of his skin and hair improves, and the allergic reactions. The child becomes more independent and self-confident. And yet, it should be remembered that any change that occurs in the family can have a traumatic effect on a child who is just beginning to get used to it.

"Stabilization of relations." At this stage, the family finally becomes a family. Everyone knows what place they occupy in each other’s lives, everyone is satisfied with the state of their family. An adopted child behaves in the same way as natural children; he is calm for himself and for his future, although he may be worried about the fate of his biological parents and other problems.

Adaptation of adoptive parents. Under no circumstances should adoptive parents forget about themselves and their feelings. After all, adaptation in a new family occurs on two sides: the child gets used to the new environment, but the adoptive parents must also get used to it.
It must be remembered that, be that as it may, being a foster parent is a job that requires certain costs: emotional, time and others. And, like any other job, it requires rest.

How to help your child join your family?

The following will help you create emotional closeness between you and your new baby:
- joint games, activities with the child;

Joint household chores;

Conversations, conversations on topics that interest him;

Giving the child the opportunity to listen to him, understand his problems, understand his interests (no matter how insignificant they may seem to you, everything is significant for the child);

Support when he is upset; caring when he feels unwell or when he is sick.

A child who is used to it and has become somewhat comfortable begins to demonstrate slightly different behavior, most often undesirable for others.

Behavior problems, no matter how bad they may be, are usually a manifestation of internal feelings. This may be an inappropriate expression of feelings when a child, experiencing melancholy, sadness, fear and loneliness, becomes aggressive, refuses to obey, and shows outbursts of anger. This usually happens when the child wants or needs something. The inability to get what you want and the inability to express dissatisfaction about this lead to such manifestations.

When a child is in this state, he has difficulty responding to admonitions, so an adult’s attempts to calmly discuss his behavior are not crowned with success. If the child does not pose a danger to himself or others, it is best to leave him for a while until he calms down (take a time out). When he has calmed down, you need to calmly talk to him about other ways of expressing your indignation.

Basic principles of regulating child behavior.

When entering a family, at first the child demonstrates fairly acceptable behavior. He fulfills all requirements with pleasure, willingly accepts all instructions, responds to requests (honeymoon). This is the most favorable time to establish contact. Right now he is being introduced to the daily routine, the rules of behavior in the family.

A few tips, knowledge of which will help you choose the right tactics in regulating your child’s behavior.

Teach, not eradicate. The behavior rule should clearly indicate what the child should do, rather than focusing on what he should not do. Instead of a prohibition (you cannot...), use a rule that states what needs to be done (must...). Only in cases where this is impossible, then the rule of conduct must be formulated in the form of a ban (You cannot light gas).

The language of the rule must be understandable to everyone. When formulating rules of behavior, it is important to use language that the child understands and not use difficult words.

Explain why rules are needed. It is preferable that the rule is based on the interests of the child. If the child's interests are not clearly reflected in this rule, it must be based on the interests of other family members.

The rules must be flexible. If a rule does not justify itself, it is quickly replaced by another.

During this period, it is important to let the child understand that he was expected here, that all family members were preparing for his appearance.

When “you don’t want anything”

In general, the almost universal problem of all children from institutions for orphans, children left without parental care, is the inability to occupy themselves. You say to them, “Let’s go to the theater, to the museum,” and they say, “I don’t want to, I’d rather watch TV at home...” Sometimes you will have to entertain and “drill in” the cultural program by force, but taking into account their interests and inclinations. Simply because they most often do not have such experience, and they do not imagine that going to the same museum could be of interest to them. It’s best to go where you can not only look, but also touch something. And to begin with, it is advisable to take them to performances where the child himself is actively involved in the process, and not just looking at the stage. If you get interested in this, then they will easily go to more serious performances and museums. But, on the other hand, with cultural program Don't overdo it either. An excess of impressions can sometimes even be harmful for a child; they become overexcited or quickly get tired and become capricious. Sometimes it’s better to do something with your child at home or just go for a walk and play sports.

BUT: if you don’t throw the child “to the mercy of fate” with the same designer, but do it together with him, then it will be easier to focus his attention on this. Therefore, one more rule - if you take your child for the weekend, forget about rest - you need to do it constantly, at least until he develops certain independence skills (and this will not be very soon).