Child's jealousy of mother's man, psychologists. If a child is jealous of his mother for her new husband

Where does childhood jealousy come from and how does it develop? How to tell if a child is jealous. Ways to deal with jealousy towards a younger child, one of the parents, stepfather or stepmother.

Contents of the article:

Childhood jealousy is a phenomenon familiar to almost everyone since childhood. Zealous behavior towards younger sisters or to brothers, friends, one of the parents or grandparents is a manifestation of the fear of not receiving enough attention from the object of jealousy. First we experience it ourselves, as children, then we encounter the problem with our children, as parents.

The mechanism of development of childhood jealousy

Jealousy is the fear of dislike. Likewise, the child is very afraid that a person important to him (in most cases, his mother) will give his love and attention not to him, but to someone else. Most often this happens when there is a new addition to the family. And not necessarily at the expense of the second (third, etc.) child. The appearance of a “new” dad or “new” mother can cause no less jealousy if he was previously raised by one parent.

One way or another, the arrival of a new family member disrupts the usual pattern of life. Including the life of the firstborn or a child who now has both parents. And it’s not so much a matter of changing the daily routine or everyday nuances. Most often, children's jealousy in the family develops as a result of a change in priorities - now our hero is not in the spotlight, he has a competitor.

And if the child is not prepared in advance for such a situation, his first reaction will be bewilderment. He cannot understand why the new family member is better than him, why he is given so much attention. The unresolved problem of adaptation to new conditions can transform bewilderment into non-acceptance, which in turn will push the baby into a struggle for attention, which can manifest itself in different ways - from unconscious and harmless pranks to conscious disgusting behavior.

Important! If you do not confront the child with a fact, but carry out preparatory work with him, the mechanism of childhood jealousy may not start.

Reasons for the development of childhood jealousy

As already mentioned, children's jealousy can be multidirectional - to younger brother or sister, to friends, to mom or dad, to relatives and even to educators or teachers. The main thing that unites all objects of jealousy is an important role in the life of the jealous person. Therefore, the reasons for jealous behavior in children can be divided into 2 categories: external (independent of the child himself) and internal (formed taking into account the characteristics of character, upbringing, and health status).

External causes of childhood jealousy include all changes that occur in the life or composition of the child’s family that shift his authority. This could be the birth of a baby, the beginning of a life together between a mother and a “new” father, or, conversely, the appearance of new students in a group or class, or in the company of new friends. More capable or brighter. If a child is very attached to his grandparents, the arrival of other grandchildren may force him to change his behavior.

The baby experiences the appearance of new (step) brothers or sisters very hard when his mother or father creates new family with a man who has children of his own. And it is not a fact that this new object is really better and receives more attention. But it is difficult for a child to see and understand this on his own.

Another external factor, which in lately becomes more and more significant - work. It is very difficult for children to realize that their parents spend much more time on this incomprehensible “work” than they do.

Basic internal reasons childish jealousy is as follows:

Egocentrism. This position is typical for children under the age of 10-12 years, when they quite sincerely consider themselves the center of the Universe. Therefore, the child positions any “newcomer” in the family or company as a replacement for himself, expressing this negative emotions and protests. He is not ready and does not want to share with someone the attention, love, authority that was previously intended only for him.
Feedback. Children often react with jealous behavior to a lack of attention, considering it an unfair attitude. In the family - when most of the child’s requests are postponed or ignored due to busyness (younger child, new relationship, work). His desires are postponed or not fulfilled at all, and he hears the words “wait”, “later”, “not now” more and more often. This causes him justified indignation, because he is also worthy of attention. A feeling of unfair treatment can also be caused by situations in the company of friends when a child is openly taken advantage of. For example, they invite him to play only because of toys or a bicycle, they pay attention only when he has a new toy. Or clothes, a gadget - if we're talking about about schoolchildren.
Unpreparedness for responsibility. This reason is more typical for a situation where a child becomes an older brother or older sister. The title of “seniority” is rarely perceived by children as a reward or privilege. More like additional responsibility and responsibilities instead of the extra attention they so need.
Inability to express feelings. Children who do not know how to express feelings of love and affection in the usual ways(with affectionate words, “hugs,” etc.), they use the technique for this: “He is jealous - that means he loves.” And, remaining alone or out of sight of parents (friends), they attract attention with insults and defiant behavior.
Increased anxiety. A child who doubts himself, that he is loved, that he is worthy of love, is in constant anxiety. In all events, the baby is looking for his guilt: a brother was born, a friend didn’t go out for a walk, grandma didn’t come to visit, he will come up with a lot of explanations. Far from the truth, but necessarily associated with him, with his (imaginary) shortcomings. And here you need to remember that the child will not become anxious on his own - these are gaps in upbringing. This can be caused by the duality of parents’ demands: for example, today curiosity is good and educational, tomorrow it is bad and annoying.
Creation of competitive conditions. Certain parenting tactics when competition is created between children can instill in a child a feeling of jealousy towards a brother or sister. The first to eat soup is to get candy, the first to put away the toys is to go for a walk outside, the first to learn homework is to watch a cartoon or play on the computer, etc. Or the opposite approach: if you didn’t eat the soup, you were left without sweets, if you didn’t put away the toys, you were left without them, etc. Such identification of one child as “good” by any means gives the status of “bad” to another. And it disrupts the relationship between children. Sometimes for life.
Feeling helpless. It happens that the roots of childhood jealousy grow from a simple feeling that the child is unable to influence the situation. He looks at his competitor (new friend, new mom or dad, little brother or sister, cousin) and can’t figure out why he’s better. At the same time, he cannot justify this and somehow influence the choice of a person important to him. He feels powerless and therefore gets angry. Due to the same egocentrism, not understanding that love can be different - for children, for soul mates, for parents, for friends, and therefore - independent and completely compatible.

The main signs of childhood jealousy

Manifestations of a jealous attitude towards the object of their love in children largely depend on the strength of this love itself, personality characteristics and the reaction of parents to this. Therefore, they will not necessarily be stormy and defiant. A child can experience everything deep inside. That is, signs of childhood jealousy can be divided into obvious and hidden.

Obvious manifestations of jealousy in children include the following behavioral reactions:

Aggressiveness. The most common form of expressing your “ardent” feelings towards a competitor. This can be physical impact (if it concerns the “children’s” category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take something away. In general, it will hurt. Or emotional pressure - insults, teasing, calling names, the desire to slander, persuade someone to do something bad, set them up. Or both methods together.
Hyperactivity. Excessive activity of the child, which had not been observed before, should also alert vigilant parents. A pet that has been pushed off its pedestal changes its tactics of behavior as compensation for the feeling of uselessness. At the same time, the newly minted “live” not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses to eat, nap, recently favorite activities (walks, toys, meetings with friends or family, playing with a pet, etc.). He is moody and cannot concentrate on one activity.
Neurotic reactions. In very sensitive children, the response to a jealous attitude to a change in their status in the family or company may not be behavior, but reaction nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.

The following signs indicate that a child is experiencing jealous feelings within himself:

Anxiety. Negativity, resentment, and misunderstanding accumulated and pent up inside still break out, despite the outwardly calm child. These may be sleep problems - restless, interrupted sleep, difficulty waking up or getting up. Can also react digestive system- poor appetite, digestive disorders, change in taste preferences. The psyche also gets involved, bringing back old fears and inventing new ones. School performance may also suffer.
Change of mood. A clear sign what the child is experiencing stressful situation- change in his emotional behavior. If a previously cheerful and active baby suddenly becomes sad, passive and whiny, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention.
Departure from independence. Very often, older children begin to consciously “unlearn” and “not be able” to do what they did independently before the arrival of a new family member. Children's performance about the world tells him that if he becomes like the baby to whom his mother now pays so much attention, then she will devote the same amount of time to him.
Deteriorating health. Internal experiences can also affect the child’s health - he may get sick more often colds or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases for no apparent reason. Or he may use simulation or trauma to attract attention.

Important! A child’s jealousy is his emotions, experiences that he can take with him into adulthood, thereby greatly complicating it. Therefore, it should not go unnoticed.

How to deal with childhood jealousy

Most effective method return the child “to the family” - restore his confidence that he is still needed and loved. You can do this most in different ways depending on why he is jealous and how he shows it.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a younger child

If the reason for the change in the child's behavior is the birth of the baby, try to correct the situation using the following methods:

Prevention. To ensure that children's jealousy at the birth of a second child is minimal or does not arise at all, you can use the method of preparing the first-born for joining the family. To do this, initiate him into the mysteries of the development of the future baby (without fanaticism), let him stroke his belly, listen to him kick, talk to him. Patiently explain why the pregnant mother can no longer play so actively and hold her first child in her arms. Show your child photos and videos of him when he was still a baby. Try not to imply that the older one will have more fun with the younger one. Children have a poorly developed concept of time - it is difficult for them to realize what will happen someday. Therefore, a helpless baby born can be a disappointment for an older brother or sister who was counting on a full-fledged play partner. To avoid such a reaction, tell your first-born that he, too, was little, did not know how to do anything, but learned over time. But he didn’t have such a good older brother (sister) who would help him learn everything faster and more fun. Invite or go to visit a family that already has a baby - let the child see for himself how touching and funny he is. Special attention devote time to preparing your firstborn for the fact that the mother will be absent for several days (during her stay in the maternity hospital).
Quality of communication. Naturally, with the birth of the baby, neither father nor mother will be able to devote the same amount of time to the first-born as was given to him before. Therefore, try to translate quantity into quality. To cope with childhood jealousy, set aside a certain time period - “older child time”, when nothing and no one will interfere with your communication. Let it be half an hour a day, but all this time mom will only be with him. That is, make it a ritual. It is better if this time is before bedtime - during this period children are more receptive and open. Communication at this time should be as pleasant and confidential as possible. You can build it in different ways: it can be a fairy tale, reading books or discussing the past day. In the latter case, make it a rule not to compare the behavior of the older one with other children, especially with the younger one. Help me analyze his behavior and find optimal ways resolution of certain situations. If possible, maintain your daily routine and existing rituals as much as possible.
A realistic look at the role of an older child. The main task of parents is to make their firstborn an assistant, not a nanny. This is especially true for children with a small age difference. Therefore, involve the elder in helping to care for the baby adequately, taking into account his real capabilities and desires. Entrust him with little things that are insignificant for you (choose socks or a hat for a walk, roll the stroller a little, shake a rattle, bring a bottle, etc.), presenting them to him as a very responsible task that you cannot cope with without his help. And be sure to encourage initiative and help so that the first-born feels important and needed.
Ability to listen and explain. Take time to listen carefully to your firstborn and his feelings towards the current situation. Convey to him what you see, what is happening to him, and you understand why. If the child does not make contact, you can use the method active listening. That is, say all his feelings out loud. Even if he still doesn’t speak, he will hear you and understand the sensations you voiced. Using the same method, direct his feelings to the right direction- his parents still love and appreciate him, no matter what.
Benefits of "seniority". Remind that the firstborn not only has certain responsibilities to the younger brother or sister, but also advantages. For example, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, playing on the computer, running, jumping, etc. Just don't overdo it so you don't get the opposite result. In the presence of your first-born, try to talk about the baby not as your son (daughter), but as his brother (sister), focusing on how good he (she) is. This way, the older child will gradually develop a sense of pride that he has a super brother or sister. Which means he too is super.
Suppression of aggression. Monitor the behavior of both children, not allowing them to offend each other. It is especially important not to give a discount to a younger person because of his age - he also needs to be explained that it is not good to offend an older person. Do not punish or reward one child at the expense of another - find compromises. Then children will not compete with each other and will learn to sincerely enjoy each other’s successes.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards one of the parents

Often, jealous behavior manifests itself towards mom or dad, even without the appearance of a brother or sister. In this case, the child is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad or vice versa.

Here are a few ways to respond to children's jealousy towards one of their parents:

Belief. Try to explain to your child that love for him and love for his husband (wife) are different feelings. They do not replace each other and can coexist perfectly. And you have enough love and attention for everyone.
Compromise. If a child shows aggression or is capricious when you pay attention to your spouse, do not remove your husband. Do not let your child understand that he is more important. In a family, everyone is equal and everyone deserves love and love equally. good attitude. Try to involve the jealous person in joint actions: your husband wants to kiss you, and the child, seeing this, becomes hysterical - offer to kiss you together; If you want to lie down with your husband on the sofa, and the baby desperately climbs between you, let him in with joy and watch a cartoon or read a book together. Involve dad in the process - let him remind you in moments of childhood jealousy that he loves both mother and child.
Abstraction. In a situation where no persuasion or tricks work, and the child cannot calm down, create a comfort zone for him. Come up to him, hug him, kiss him, play with him. If necessary, take him to another room. And only when you see that the baby’s emotional position has changed, can you carefully talk to him about what happened.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a new dad or mom

The subject of children's dissatisfaction may be a new family member of a different kind - new husband moms or new wife dads. And often the integration of a new person into a child’s familiar environment is far from painless.

To soften it, use several psychological techniques:

Preparation. You need to prepare your baby not only for the birth youngest child, but also to the fact that a new adult will live with him. To do this, they need to be given time to get to know and get used to each other. Most best way To achieve this, organize periodic meetings. First, on your territory with a mandatory warning about this to the child. Then, when your child gets used to the new dad, you can expand the area of communication by going to the park, circus, cinema, skating rink or outdoor recreation. A very effective tactical step during such an event would be to leave the future stepfather and the child alone for a few minutes. That is, give them the opportunity to communicate without an intermediary and gain more trust. The next stage will be partial relocation, when the man sometimes stays overnight after spending the day with you and your child. And only after this, if the child does not object or even suggests it himself, invite your man to live with you on permanent terms.
Authority. Even if your child is prepared and has accepted his new chosen one, this is not a reason to “relax,” especially if you have a boy. Although girls also do not easily accept the replacement of their birth mother. Now the main thing for a new husband or wife should be gaining authority with your child. And this should not be unquestioning submission only according to age gradation - children must obey adults. Dad or mom are not just adults. This is higher - an authority, a role model. To achieve such a “title” in the eyes of an adopted child, you need little: to fulfill what is promised, to be able to explain the cause-and-effect relationships of certain actions, to adhere to the rules introduced, to be sincerely interested in his life, experiences, hobbies, to be able to support him even in the event of failures and mistakes.
Neutrality. Make it a rule not to interfere with the child’s feelings towards the new chosen one. Convince him that new dad does not take anyone’s place - he will have it as his own. And not only you, but also your child needs it, because it can become good friend, protector, assistant. And you have enough time for everyone. But don’t ignore situations when a child tries to point out that their stepfather is wrong. Find out, but neutrally, without taking sides.
Communication. No matter how much a wave of new feelings overwhelms you, do not leave your child alone. Try to give your new husband or wife attention without harming him. Until the situation in the family stabilizes, the baby takes very hard your attempts to be alone, especially outside the home. He perceives this as detachment and considers himself superfluous, unnecessary. And expect in this case great love I don't have to go to my stepfather.

Important! No matter how excited you are about your new relationship, you can’t forget about motherhood. Now you are not just a woman, but a mother. And this is primary.

How to deal with childhood jealousy - watch the video:

Childhood jealousy is an illustration of the fear of losing one's world, full of love and attention. You cannot ignore it - you need to fight it. But the main thing is that it needs to be noticed and chosen the right way solving the problem so that your child grows up to be a happy and confident person.

The baby may be jealous of his mother towards strangers, his brother or sister, and even his father!

A child's jealousy manifests itself at the age of 2-2.5 years. Mostly children, regardless of gender, are jealous of their mother. Why this happens and why, read our material.

WHY IS A CHILD JEALOUS OF MOM?

The child is jealous of his mother because her attention is important to him. He spent nine months in close contact with her. After birth, this contact continued through motion sickness. All the days of the baby in the first years of life are occupied by the mother, and the mother’s by the child. And the baby is afraid of losing this contact, afraid that the person who loves him will stop loving him. main man in his life.

This reaction may be due to two reasons.

A mother cannot always correctly distribute her relationship with her baby. When a mother shows enough love and at the same time gives the child a little independence, jealousy does not arise. When there is too much of this independence, not according to age, and not enough love and warmth, the child develops anxiety. This attention and care is not enough for him and he does not want to share his mother with anyone else.
The mother, on the contrary, pays too much attention to the child and does not give the baby a single opportunity to show independence. She decides everything for him, and the baby feels helpless. In this case, jealousy manifests itself due to fear of helplessness, because the baby thinks that he will not survive without his mother.

In addition, young children have egocentrism. They believe that the world revolves around them. This is due to the fact that increased attention and care is shown to the baby in the first years.

What to do if a child is jealous of mom and dad?

The fact that mom and dad communicate alone, without the baby, does not mean that they have stopped loving the baby. If the baby comes running to you when you two are together, hug the child together and kiss him. Show that both parents love him.
If a child comes running with exclamations of “My mom,” “Don’t touch my mom,” let dad say that he loves mom too. But in such a situation there is no need to show this love without a child. Invite the baby to hug and kiss his mother together. This way he will not feel that she is being “taken away” and at the same time will admit that dad also has the right to show love to mom.
If your child is very nervous and crying, calm him down. Create a comfortable atmosphere and only then tell them that everyone in your family loves each other and dad is not on the sidelines either. Spend more time together. Also give dad the opportunity to play alone with the baby.

Children can be very jealous. Everyone knows about this, and in relation to adults who are overly jealous, the comparison “like children” is often used. The mechanisms of development of childhood jealousy are very complex and are not similar to those in adults. And children’s jealousy cannot be underestimated, it cannot be ignored, since it can cause deep emotional trauma that will manifest itself later when the child becomes an adult.

Why and how children are jealous and what parents should do in this or that situation, we will tell you in this article.

Mechanisms

Children's jealousy is always caused by the fear of being unloved and unprotected. In childhood, trees seem big, and troubles seem insurmountable; the world for a toddler begins with his mother and is mainly limited to her. Until a certain age, the mother is the main guarantor of safety, the source of love and tenderness, which children need no less than food and water, sleep and games. The fear of losing at least a small fraction of this love of the main person for the baby gives rise to jealousy.

Don’t think that kids perceive loved one as property, it is more characteristic of adult jealousy. The mechanism for the development of negative reactions in children is usually different: at first there is bewilderment as to why and where someone came from, to whom the mother pays attention. The inability, due to age and lack of life experience, to explain everything to oneself and give answers to tormenting questions is transformed into psychological rejection of the situation. If the situation does not disappear from this, it begins protest, which can be either open or take the form of a severe internal conflict.

The baby cannot quickly adapt to new living conditions. But he cannot exist in them either. Because of this, his conflict begins not with himself, but with others. His behavior changes, he tries in every possible way to return to the old order of things, familiar and familiar, and tries to attract his mother’s attention.

Childhood jealousy is a cry for help that cannot be ignored, as this is fraught with serious consequences for the child’s psyche.

After two years of age, children gain the ability to slightly restrain their emotions and manifestations of jealousy, but from this moment jealousy becomes especially dangerous, since the baby transfers his experiences deep inside his soul. The biggest jealous children in the world are children from 2 to 5 years old, it is at this age that the need to be loved and any encroachment on his personal source of love are perceived extremely painfully.

Children of any age are jealous Teenage jealousy can be the most destructive thing for everyone., after all big baby is already able to give answers to some questions, but these answers clearly do not suit him.

The more accumulated life experience a child has, the stronger the fear of losing favor will be. important person and the options for revenge against the “offender” and the “invader” may be more sophisticated.

Danger

Why shouldn’t you hope that the child will “go crazy” and outgrow his jealousy and deliberately ignore it? The answer is quite simple - the anger that he experiences, as well as the fear that possesses him, together can become a solid basis for the development of a mental disorder. A considerable percentage of phobias and paranoid disorders, according to experienced psychiatrists, have deep, “childish” roots, and are based precisely on that same destructive childhood jealousy.

It is she who can displace everything positive that a child needs for the formation of his personality, and then from a suffering child, who was not pitied in time, not accepted and not understood, a very cruel and cynical adult can grow up, who has learned one thing for himself: there is no place for pity and participation in this world.

Children whose jealousy was not in the right way adjusted to early age, turn over the years into very “problematic” teenagers, with whom it becomes difficult for parents to cope, they more often end up in “ bad stories” and unsuitable companies.

In all cases, with an internal conflict unresolved in childhood, complexes are formed that are already adolescence, and then in adult life they significantly complicate existence: difficulties with self-identification appear, it is difficult for a person to maintain relationships, to achieve heights in the professional sphere, various deviations in sexual relationships may develop, a person becomes a pathological jealous person, with whom it is not only impossible, but also dangerous to live under one roof.

Reasons

The main reason that causes children's jealousy is dramatically changed external circumstances that change the order of relationships in the family. Most often this is the birth of a brother or sister. If the child has not been properly prepared for the arrival of a new little person, if even during pregnancy they have not made him an “accomplice” and assistant, then bewilderment at the sight of a squeaking bundle brought from the maternity hospital will very quickly turn into hatred of the younger brother or sister, because he will demand more attention from mom.

Preliminary preparation of a child for such changes is an important condition for a gentler adaptation, but, unfortunately, it is not a guarantee that there will be no jealousy.

It is impossible to predict the possibility of its occurrence.

Second popular a situation in which a child begins to be jealous is associated with changes in the parent’s personal life. If a child lived with his mother, and a new adult appears - the mother’s beloved, how would good person No matter what, the child is, to one degree or another, jealous of his mother for this man. A daughter can be no less jealous of her mother’s new husband than a little son.

The spirit of competition in childhood very important, it allows kids to master methods of achieving goals and striving for better results, many children's games are based on it, but it can become the main source of jealousy if parents, as it seems to him, pay more attention to other people's children: they are so jealous of nephews, children of friends, neighbor's children. Children's jealousy can be very diverse.

Often a child is jealous of mom and dad, and dad of mom, and to a certain extent this is also understandable, because the second parent also needs the attention and time of the first, and, as a rule, the child is not taken with them to these “meetings”.

Manifestations

Children, unlike adults, do not have a large “range” of selected reactions, and therefore most often act this way.

The child demonstrates his helplessness. Even if he knew how to put on shoes and dress, then suddenly he “forgets” all the skills and urgently demands help from his mother. Most often, this is how the older child’s jealousy of the newborn manifests itself, since, according to children’s logic, having become as helpless as the baby, he will again gain the mother’s all-encompassing attention.
The child becomes hostile. Aggression and rejection are directed at the object that has taken away attention. This happens at the birth of a second child, with a new marriage of the only parent. The baby refuses to communicate with the new family member; if we are talking about a newborn, then jealousy can become quite dangerous traits: An older child can cause injuries, bruises, and burns to a younger one.
Sudden change in behavior. If the baby was active and inquisitive and suddenly became withdrawn and uncommunicative, it is likely that his jealousy occurs in a dangerous hidden form.

Physiological changes. A child, even at 7–9 years old, can suddenly begin to pee in his sleep, his sleep and appetite are disturbed, existing diseases worsen, and neurological or other disorders appear. Psychosomatic components are diverse. Most often, a child who does not want to see a new person in the family, be it dad’s new wife or mom’s new husband, or the youngest child, begins to suffer from diseases of the organs of vision and hearing, he often has otitis media, and there are signs of decreased visual acuity. In second place are diseases of the gastrointestinal tract and kidneys.

Particular attention should be paid to the Oedipus complex and the Electra complex. In the first case, the son is jealous of his mother’s father or stepfather, in the second, the daughter is jealous of her father’s new wife or even her own mother. Both of these complexes are a manifestation of unconscious love for a representative of the opposite sex, from which in due time a completely correct sexual orientation will be formed. The age of onset of such complexes is 2–6 years. After the age of six, children tend to be like their parents of the same sex.

It is important to clearly define the boundaries of such love. If there is a “skew”, for example, if the Oedipus complex is too strong, a child-boy after 6 years of age will want to be like his mother, and not like his father, which can ultimately lead to the formation of homosexual tendencies due to his self-identification as a female type.

Procedure for adults

Certainly, best choice is preventive psychotherapy. Before the birth of your second child, you need to prepare your eldest: show him his own photos in infancy, talk about how his brother or sister is growing in his mother’s tummy, consult with the first-born about choosing a crib and stroller, toys and clothes for the baby. The more a child feels his own importance, the better..

It is important to talk with the baby in advance about the fact that a new adult will soon appear in the family, if such circumstances exist.

Tell him that he is kind and good, that he is already looking forward to this meeting and dreams of getting to know each other. It is optimal if the child meets his future stepfather and establishes a primary relationship before a decision is made about the adults living together.

If no preparation was made, and it was not possible to avoid jealousy, the following advice from a psychologist will help.

Organize joint leisure activities more often, in which there is a place for all family members: a joint trip to the cinema, a picnic, a hike, a trip to the sea. Do it together.

Do not try to appease your child with gifts, depriving him of attention. Take his experiences seriously, encourage him to talk, let the baby talk about his feelings. Be a good listener.

Severely suppress attempts to show any aggression. This is the case when there are no compromises.

If you notice cruelty, immediately strictly explain the inadmissibility of this. If you notice it again, take pedagogical measures.

The arrival of a child in a family is a serious test for both parents and their relationship. When the baby grows a little, from about one year old to five years old, childhood jealousy can be added to all the standard difficulties - towards dad, brothers and sisters, and other relatives. How to behave correctly if a child is fighting for sole ownership of his mother? How to make friends with a jealous little sister, father or stepfather and at the same time maintain affection with his mother?

The reasons why childhood jealousy occurs are few in number - this phenomenon is based on the egocentrism inherent in children, lack of attention and a strong connection with the mother. Children under three years old consider themselves one with their mother, they simply do not know how to share her with someone else, and they perceive other people’s attempts to “take possession” of her as a threat to attachment. The baby loses a sense of comfort and security, gaining anxiety and fear instead.

Children's egocentrism consists of imagining oneself as the center of the universe, the only object of attention and love of others. The child is jealous of his mother for everyone and everything that distracts her from his own person: other family members, friends, books, telephone, work.

As a rule, children's jealousy manifests itself in the form of aggression, whims, changeable whims, and hysterics. A child who can speak reproaches his mother for not loving him and not caring for him. The offspring may become withdrawn, begin to act contrary to adults, and react painfully and negatively to the praise they hear addressed to other people, children and adults.

Normally, active rivalry with other family members passes by the age of five, although, under some circumstances, it can occur later.

Jealousy of father

The situation when small child Mom is jealous of dad; from the point of view of child psychology, it is natural. Children from one and a half to three years old often engage in a serious struggle for sole possession of the person closest to them, who gives love and care.

To assure the baby that he has nothing to be afraid of, his mother will always remain his mother, the following techniques will help:

Jealousy of stepfather

In the event of a divorce and when a new man appears, children are almost always jealous of their mother and stepfather, perceiving this stranger to them extremely painfully and aggressively. On a subconscious level, the child expects his dad to return, and new person acts as a destroyer of established family relations with his mother, “takes” her. The offspring has to take again new reality, adapt, while most often it is not clear to him why this is necessary.

The following recommendations from psychologists will help a new man establish a good relationship with his baby:

The new man must accept the baby for who he is, give up trying to “remake” him for himself, break him. Gradually, the child's jealousy will fade away, the child will understand that the stepfather is not a rival. Establishing a life together will take some time, it is important to be consistent, confident and be sincerely interested in establishing full-fledged contact.

Jealousy of other children

Expecting a newborn is a moment when the whole family is focused on pregnancy, preparing for the birth of the future baby, while less attention is paid to the existing child. The child intuitively understands that he has a serious competitor, and there is a serious possibility of being rejected by his parents. When the youngest child is born, the older one experiences serious stress, even if he was prepared for the fact that a second contender will soon appear. mother's love. For a child, the entire way of life literally changes; they have to learn to live in new circumstances, which can lead to frustration, a feeling of loneliness, fear, and anxiety.

I am 34 years old (divorced for 3 years), my daughter is 9 years old. Half a year ago we started living with our second husband. The daughter was very happy about this, and he was drawn to her. He helps her do her homework, talks to her, insisted on renovating the house so that her room would be comfortable, we spend a lot of time together (almost more than with each other): we have dinner together, watch TV, go shopping, to the cinema, circus, on a visit, to the skating rink, etc. She even admitted to me once that she once wanted to call him dad. The daughter happily runs to meet him from work. But a week ago, my daughter made a show, saying that I was devoting little time to her. She spoke loudly on purpose so that everyone could hear. He heard and was very upset. He says that he doesn’t want to put me “between two fires.” He himself grew up with adoptive father, but he called him dad and still loves him very much. I don’t know how else to explain to her that she should appreciate his attitude, because even her own father never cared about her like that and didn’t even show up for 3 years.

Olga, love cannot be explained in words. Well, imagine a situation where your child wants love, affection and attention, and at this time you get explanatory dictionary Dahl and begin to read what love is, what affection is, attention... Agree, this will only make things worse for the child.

There are no words in love, they are not needed, love is in deeds, looks, actions and attention. Good luck.

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Hello, Olga! Children have periods when they can demand more from themselves and think that they should take first place in their mother’s life - this is childish egoism (but its motives are quite understandable and natural) - here it is important to understand what kind of fear she has - yes, this man helps his mother and her, does good things and therefore, of course, he deserves a good attitude towards himself - and if my mother begins to devote more time to him (after all, I can’t always be good and behave well) - this is an example of the logic of a child . And here it is important to voice everything with your daughter possible reasons her fears (sometimes due to little experience and low self-reflection, children themselves cannot understand what motivates them) and they need to be helped to understand their feelings and fears. Voice it yourself, and don’t ask her (she won’t be able to formulate it) and directly: are you afraid that I will pay less attention to you? are you afraid that I will spend more time with him?.... However, talk about your feelings, so that she also understands what her behavior brings to you: it hurts and offends me that you can consider or think that I I can stop loving you! you are my daughter and the closest person to me! - talk about exactly this. However, explain why it is important for a woman to have a man nearby - that she really has another father, but he doesn’t care about them now, and a woman can be weak and needs help and support, and that the person who is next to you is not wants to take his mother for himself, he just wants to be close to his mother and her to help you both!

Of course, you can also seek advice from a psychologist so that he can give you specific recommendations in specific situations!

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Hello, Olga!

Unfortunately, understanding the need to appreciate his attitude towards her will not save the girl from emotional hunger for you. And apparently this is exactly what she was trying to tell you...

I suggest you not to convince your daughter. And invite her to fantasize about what actions on your part would be a manifestation of your lack of attention. What would she want from you? Perhaps there is something she would like to do as a family. You can write it all down. Without challenging any Options. And then go through the list again with your daughter and think about how this can be accomplished. Something will fall away as unfeasible, something will be added to your relationship. But most importantly, the child will understand that he has been heard. And this is very valuable!

Good luck to you!

Sincerely, Anastasia Umanskaya.

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Hello, Olga! Much remains unclear from your letter. Mainly the reasons for my daughter’s reaction. Maybe she really just doesn't have enough of your attention. Then it's worth thinking about it. But you write “performance”, “spoke loudly on purpose,” and assume that this was addressed to your husband. He actually reacted to this. Perhaps your daughter was driven by jealousy, and it is not even clear whether she is jealous of you or your husband. In such a situation, it is important for you to avoid two extremes - not to react at all to your daughter’s words or to react to them too violently. Therefore, continue to build relationships with both your daughter and your husband, respecting both their needs and your own. Why explain to your daughter that she should appreciate your husband’s attitude? He does this, not so that she will appreciate it, but because it is important to him. And you appreciate his attitude not because you “should”.

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Olga, "she should (???) ( Girls shouldn’t use the word “should” at all - it will make life easier) appreciate his attitude (you appreciate his attitude, and correct it - “almost more than with each other”, the daughter is already beginning to manipulate, feels that you are “guilty” in front of her) after all, even her own father never cared about her like that ( and despite this, he, my dear father, is the only and the best - without evaluations and characteristics on your part: You divorced him and it’s only your business what led to the divorce, there is still resentment) and for 3 years he didn’t even show up ( it is not clear for what reasons, the partner is often made “not white and not fluffy” in order to look advantageous against his background - but in the conflict there is a contribution of everyone)!

It is important that everyone stands in their rightful places, that dad is accepted, recognized, otherwise the child will begin to show that she does not like that he, dad, was pushed aside (unconsciously). She can, naturally, love your second husband, but as an uncle (name), as a stepfather... And about dad - only good things! Then everything will be harmonious in your new family!

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