What to say to a person whose loved one has died. Funeral words of grief for the deceased

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, situations arise when our family, close people or friends need support, because they experience strong emotional experiences. The normal and correct desire of anyone in this case would be the desire to provide help. But at such a delicate moment it is important that it be correct and effective. To do this, you need to know how to behave so as not to harm and really support a person in difficult times.

Allow and help express emotions. Strong emotions and feelings should not be suppressed; help do everything so that the person expresses what is in his soul. It doesn’t matter whether it’s grief or joy, resentment or disappointment. Until all emotions are spilled out, your interlocutor will not feel relief, and his condition will not improve. Sometimes a person can simply withdraw into the world of his experiences. Provoke him, piss him off, or, conversely, delicately start a conversation and watch his reaction.
Offer your help. Return it overnight peace of mind and harmony, no one can, but help real deeds everyone can. Therefore, offer something that can alleviate a person’s difficult condition. For example, clean the house, cook food, go to the store. Try to help regularly until the difficult stage is overcome.
Try to be close. It's no secret that at such moments a friend needs you more than ever. Spend as much time as you can with them. Try to eliminate the source of suffering or things that may remind you of it. You should not say banal general phrases like “everything will definitely be fine” or “wait, time heals.” Just show that this person is very important to you, how much you value, love and respect him.
Let the person talk. Show tolerance and patience, listening to everything your interlocutor wants to tell you. Believe me, being a correct and good listener is a special art. And, despite the fact that he will do most of the talking, your reaction should express complete participation and understanding, as well as support.
Try to distract from sad thoughts. Try to distract the person at least for a while from the experiences or thoughts that prevent him from returning to normal life. Invite him to take a walk in the park, go to the cinema or theater, a cafe, here you should rely on the tastes of a friend. However, remember about the appropriateness, if a person is in mourning, do not invite him to entertainment events.
Give good advice. If you successfully managed to get through the moment of emotional release and listening to experiences in the form of a monologue, the person cried a lot and spoke out. The time has come to give advice, but not in a recommendatory form, but rather simply share your thoughts about the current situation and ways out of it. At such moments, you have the advantage of sobriety of mind and the ability to reason sensibly, without unnecessary emotions. With this behavior you will show genuine concern and care for your loved one. And if he is suddenly wrong in his thoughts or actions, and cannot pull himself together, it’s time to carefully hint to him about it so that he does not make a mistake.
Be lenient and as tolerant as possible. In such difficult moments, you should not show anger, irritability, nervousness or short temper. Think about what a person is in moments mental discomfort, experiences, negative thoughts sometimes I am simply unable to control myself and control the situation.
Act in the moment. In the process of communication, you yourself will understand what else can help your friend. Each personality is individual, relationships between people are also unique and do not lend themselves to standards or templates.

What words of support can you say in difficult times?

Words of support in difficult moments, when a person is in a difficult emotional state, are no less important than actions. Psychologists say that words seem to connect you with reality and prevent you from falling into the abyss of worry. They give you the feeling that you are not alone with the problem, that there is someone who understands, supports, and shares the bitterness of your experiences.

There are probably no universal words of consolation and support for all people, but an attentive and caring attitude towards the problems of your neighbor is in itself a wonderful support. Do not think that these words are not important to your interlocutor, that he does not notice them and can do without them.

The best words of support will be sincere, coming from the soul and heart. If you also experience bitterness, pain, worry about loved one oh, don’t say cliched phrases. Often they may not console, but, on the contrary, aggravate suffering.

If your words do not come from the heart, you don’t know how or what to say, just remain silent. Believe me, if you force yourself to say something without sincerity and openness, it incredibly feels and is perceived as false and nothing more.

How to support a person when he is sick?

At the time of illness, any person needs care, attention and support from loved ones. To do this, it is important to show and make it clear how much you love him, how much you value him.

If the illness has disrupted your plans for work, leisure or personal life, explain that his condition will not become a burden for you, so that caring for him is more important.

If the illness is not serious, encourage the person to in a comic form that you are waiting for his speedy recovery. Agree that after discharge you will go to your favorite place or just interesting place, for example, in a cafe or for a walk. Saying that a sick colleague is missing from work is also great support. Try to spend as much time as possible with the patient, telling him about the news, asking his opinion or advice.

Come up with a joint activity or business that would bring pleasant emotions and joy to the patient; at the time of illness, it is important not to feel lonely and unnecessary.

You can also distract the patient from the illness by creating a cozy atmosphere in the room where he is. If this is a hospital, bring things from home, photos of your loved ones, books, bright pillows or your favorite flower. If at home, just give a nice gift to show you care.

But how to support a person who suffers from a serious illness? Here you just need to please the patient with little things, supporting good mood and not allowing him to “give up.” He must know that tomorrow will definitely come and be better. Talk to them every day about how they will be cured, perhaps tell them examples of people who have successfully overcome the disease.

How to help your loved one?

You should show a special attitude when something unpleasant happens to your significant other or loved one. But support in such a situation is not as easy as it seems, because your opinion about the problem may differ from your partner’s perception.

They say that men have an easier time understanding how to comfort women. It is no secret that ladies are characterized by excessive emotionality; they love not only to talk about situations in detail, but also to express their feelings and experiences. Here a man just needs to listen, carefully and sincerely. Psychologists note that the most common mistake of the stronger sex is that, having recognized the problem, they immediately look for its solution.

Alas, this tactic is wrong, the woman needs to be pitied and reassured. And only after that try to solve the issue or understand how to do the right thing. Often, real action is not required; the opportunity to speak out, to gain an understanding that they are ready to help you at any moment is more important for a woman.

If in a couple, a difficult moment in life has come for the man, the woman needs to gain wisdom and patience. Some guys perceive problems as new lessons and experience, while others perceive them as failure. There is only one rule here: do not try to find out more than your loved one is ready to tell. Sometimes a man’s support can manifest itself in the form of completely ignoring the problem, act as if nothing happened, try to please him with little things.

Funeral words of grief for the deceased

Condolences are mourning words of sorrow who express sympathy over death. Sincere condolences provide for the format of a personal, personal appeal - verbal or text.

Within or in public, condolences are also appropriate, but there must be expressed briefly. In an expression of sympathy from a believer, you can add: "We pray for ___". More information about the rules of condolences can be found on the Epitaph.ru website.

Etiquette Muslim condolences It is distinguished by a fatal attitude towards death and acceptance of loss, as well as clear requirements for rituals, clothing, behavior, symbols, and gestures.

Examples of condolences

Universal short words of grief

In the case when words of condolences are pronounced after the burial or on the day of the funeral, you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “May the earth rest in peace!” If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then this phrase is convenient to complete words of condolences, for example “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be of assistance. Count on me!

I am shocked by this sad news. It's hard to accept. I share your pain of loss...
My heart is broken by yesterday's news. I worry with you and remember ___ the most kind words! It's hard to accept the loss of ___! Eternal memory!
The news of death ___ - terrible blow! It hurts to even think that we won't see him/her again. Please accept my and my husband's condolences for your loss!
Until now, the news of ___'s death seems like a ridiculous mistake! It's impossible to comprehend this! Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!
My condolences! It hurts to even think about it, it’s hard to talk about. I sympathize with your pain! Eternal memory ___!
It's hard to put into words how much ___ and I feel for your loss ___! A golden man, of which there are few! We will always remember him/her!
“This is an incredible, catastrophic loss. The loss of a real person, an idol, an exemplary family man and a citizen of his country" (about Ilya Segalovich). .
We sympathize with your loss! The news of ___'s death shocked our entire family. We remember and will remember ___ as a most worthy person. Please accept our sincere condolences!
It's small consolation, but know that we are with you in the grief of your loss ___ and our hearts go out to your entire family! Eternal memory!
“Words cannot express all the pain and sadness. How bad dream. Eternal peace to your soul, our dear and beloved Zhanna!(Grave and)
An unfathomable loss! We all mourn the loss of ___, but of course it’s even harder for you! We sincerely sympathize with you and will remember you all our lives! We would like to provide any help you need at this moment. Count on us!
Sad... I respect and remember ___ and am truly sorry for your loss! The least I can do today is to help in some way. At least I have four free seats in the car.

Condolences on the death of mother and grandmother

I was stunned by this terrible news. For me, ___ is a hospitable hostess, a kind woman, but for you... The loss of your mother... I sympathize with you so much and cry with you!
We are very... very upset beyond words! It’s hard when you lose loved ones, but the death of a mother is a grief for which there is no cure. Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!
___ was a model of delicacy and tact. Her memory will be as endless as her kindness to all of us. The passing of a mother is an incomparable grief. Please accept my deepest condolences!
A grief incomparable to anything! And I have no words to ease your pain. But I know that she would not like to see your despair. Be strong! Tell me, what could I take on these days?
We are happy that we knew ___. Her kind disposition and generosity surprised us all, and that is how she will be remembered! It is difficult to express our grief in words - it is too great. Let the kindest memories and bright memories of her be at least a small consolation!
The news of ___'s departure came as a shock to us. We can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. At such moments we feel abandoned, but remember that you have friends who loved and appreciated your mother. Count on our help!
Words cannot heal a terrible wound in the heart. But bright memories of ___, how honestly and honorably she lived her life, will always be stronger than death. In the bright memory of her, we are with you forever!
They say they love their grandchildren even more than their children. We felt this love of our grandmother to the fullest. This love will warm us all our lives, and we will pass on some of its warmth to our children and grandchildren...
Losing loved ones is very difficult... And the loss of a mother is the loss of a part of yourself... Mom will always be missed, but may the memory of her and the warmth of a mother always be with you!
Words cannot heal this wound of loss. But the bright memory of ___, who lived her life honestly and with dignity, will be stronger than death. We are with you in eternal memory of her!
Her whole life was spent in countless labors and worries. We will always remember her as such a warm-hearted and soulful woman!
Without parents, without mother, there is no one between us and the grave. May wisdom and perseverance help you get through these most difficult days. Hold on!
The paragon of virtue has passed away from ___! But she will remain a guiding star for all of us who remember, love and honor her.
It is ___ that can be dedicated to kind words: “She whose actions and deeds came from the soul, from the heart.” May she rest in peace!
The life she lived has a name: “Virtue.” ___ is the source of life, faith and love for loving children and grandchildren. Kingdom of heaven!
How much we didn’t tell her during her lifetime!
Please accept my sincere condolences! What a man! ___, just as she lived modestly and quietly, she left humbly, as if a candle had gone out.
___ involved us in good deeds, and thanks to her we became better people. For us, ___ will forever remain a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
Your mother was a smart and bright person... Many, like me, will feel that the world has become poorer without her.

Condolences on the death of husband, father, grandfather

We are deeply saddened by the news of your father's death. He was fair and strong man, a faithful and sensitive friend. We knew him well and loved him like a brother.
Our family mourns with you. The loss of such reliable support in life is irreplaceable. But remember that we would be honored to help you any minute you need it.
My condolences, ___! The death of a beloved husband is the loss of oneself. Hang in there, these are the hardest days! We mourn together with your grief, we are close...
Today everyone who knew ___ mourns with you. This tragedy does not leave anyone close to us indifferent. I will never forget my comrade, and I consider it my duty to ___ to support you on any occasion, should you contact me.
I'm so sorry that ___ and I had disagreements at one time. But I always appreciated and respected him as a person. I apologize for my moments of pride and offer you my help. Today and always.
Thanks to your statements about his [quality or good deeds], it seems to me that I always knew him. I sympathize with you about the death of such a loved one and a soul so close to you! May I rest in peace...
I am truly sorry for the loss of your dad. This is a very sad and sad time for you. But good memories are what will help you survive this loss. Your father lived a long and bright life and achieved success and respect in it. We also join in the words of friends’ grief and memories of ___.
I sincerely sympathize with you... What a person, what a personality! He deserves more words than can be said right now. In the memories of ___, he is both our teacher of justice and mentor in life. Eternal memory to him!
Without a father, without parents, there is no one between us and the grave. But ___ set an example of courage, perseverance and wisdom. And I'm sure that he wouldn't want you to grieve like that right now. Be strong! I sincerely sympathize with you.
Your shock at the onset of loneliness is a severe shock. But you have the strength to overcome grief and continue what he did not manage to do. We are nearby, and we will help with everything - contact us! It is our duty to remember ___!
We mourn with you in this difficult moment! ___ — kindest person, lacking silver, lived for his neighbors. We sympathize with your loss and join you in the kindest and brightest memories of your husband.
We're sorry for your loss! We sympathize - the loss is irreparable! Intelligence, iron will, honesty and justice... - we are lucky to work with such a friend and colleague! We would like to ask him for forgiveness for so many things, but it’s too late... Eternal memory to a mighty man!
Mom, we mourn and cry with you! Our sincere gratitude from our children and grandchildren and warm memories good father and good grandfather! Our memory of ___ will be eternal!
Blessed are those whose memory will be as bright as ___. We will remember and love him forever. Be strong! ___ it would be easier if he knew that you could handle all this.
My condolences! Recognition, respect, honor, and... eternal memory!
They say about such open-hearted people: “How much of ours went with you! How much of yours remains with us! We will remember ___ forever and pray for him!

Condolences on the death of a friend, brother, sister, loved one or loved one

Please accept my condolences! It has never been more expensive or closer, and probably never will be. But both in yours and in our hearts he will remain young, strong, full of life person. Eternal memory! Hold on!
It is difficult to find the right words in this difficult moment. I mourn with you! Small consolation will be that not everyone has had the opportunity to experience such love as yours. But may ___ remain alive in your memory, full of strength and love! Eternal memory!
There is such wisdom: “It’s bad if there is no one to take care of you. It’s even worse if there’s no one to take care of you.” I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be so sad. Let's ask his mother what we can do to help her now.
My condolences to you! Through life hand in hand, but you have suffered this bitter loss. It is necessary, it is necessary to find the strength to survive these most difficult moments and difficult days. In our memory he will remain ___.
It is very bitter to lose your loved ones and relatives, but it is doubly bitter when young, beautiful, strong people leave us. May God rest his soul!
I would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it is difficult to imagine whether such words exist on earth at all. Bright and eternal memory!
I mourn with you in this difficult moment. It’s scary to even imagine that half of you has left. But for the sake of the children, for the sake of loved ones, we need to get through these sad days. Invisibly, he will always be there - in the soul and in our eternal memory of this bright man.
Love will not die, and the memory of it will always illuminate our hearts!
...and this will pass...
For all of us, he will remain an example of love of life. And may his love for life illuminate the emptiness and grief of loss and help you survive the time of farewell. We mourn with you in difficult times and will remember ___ forever!
The past cannot be returned, but the bright memory of this love will remain with you for the rest of your life. Be strong!
Be strong! With the loss of your brother, you must become a support for your parents twice. May God help you get through these difficult moments! Happy memory to a bright man!
There are some sorrowful words: “A loved one does not die, but simply ceases to be around.” In your memory, in your soul, your love will be eternal! With a kind word ___ we remember too.

Condolences to a believer, a Christian

All of the above is appropriate in expressing support in difficult times of loss for both the believer and the secular person. A Christian, Orthodox, can add a ritual phrase to his condolences, turn to prayer or quote from the Bible:

God is merciful!
God bless you!
Everyone is alive for God!
This man was blameless, just and God-fearing, and shunned evil!
Lord, rest with the Saints!
Death destroys the body, but saves the soul.
God! Receive the spirit of your servant in peace!
Only in death, the mournful hour, does the soul gain freedom.
God takes a mortal through life before turning him to the light.
The righteous will certainly live, says the Lord!
Her heart /(his) trusted in the Lord!
Immortal soul, immortal deeds.
May the Lord show mercy and truth to him/her!
Righteous deeds are not forgotten!
Most Holy Theotokos, protect him (her) with your protection!
The days of our lives are not numbered by us.
Everything returns to normal.
Blessed pure in heart for they will see God!
Blessed peace to your ashes!
Kingdom of heaven and eternal peace!
And those who have done good will find the resurrection of life.
Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
And on earth she smiled like an angel: what is there in heaven?

P.S. Once again about active personal participation. For many families, even a small financial contribution to the future will be a valuable help in this difficult moment.

Troubles happen in the life of any person. Some people outwardly experience death calmly, but for others, a real disaster is a reprimand at work or a failed exam at the institute. IN moments of crisis The participation of others can calm you down and help you believe in yourself again. What words of support can you say in difficult times? Should we sympathize with everyone around us?

When is it okay to meddle in other people's business?

Remain indifferent to the problems of your loved one, close friend or a relative is at least uncivilized. Even if what happened seems like a mere trifle to you, you need to give the “victim” the opportunity to speak out. Try to give some useful advice to solve an existing problem or simply express your sympathy. Does a casual acquaintance or an ordinary friend need your words of support in difficult times? This is a controversial issue. Many people feel awkward when they learn about the death of the husband of “Masha from the next department at work” and do not know how to react correctly. It is not always polite to pester a person who works in the same office building with your formal condolences. But if we are talking about a classmate at the institute with whom you regularly meet for coffee and chat about trifles, it is impolite to ignore what happened. The most appropriate thing to do in this situation is to briefly express your condolences or regrets and offer help.

What to say to a loved one?

Sometimes it seems to us that we know and understand our friends better than ourselves. But then something happens, and it’s not at all clear what kind of support a friend should have in difficult times. If a person is in the mood to talk, be sure to give him this opportunity. Try to be alone where no one can overhear you. Do not pester with additional questions, but simply listen and show your interest with all your appearance. But not all people are used to sharing their problems. If your friend is from this category and does not start a conversation first, it is better to let him calm down and not pester him with questions. You shouldn’t give intrusive advice, but it’s acceptable to tell what you would do in such a situation.

How to rehabilitate a friend?

Some problems can be solved. With others you just have to come to terms with it. In the first case, the task of a loved one is to help his friend calm down quickly and begin to act. In the second type of situation, the only way you can help is to try to distract your friend. The most important thing is to choose the right strategy. If your friend's loved one has an accident, he is unlikely to want to go to a club to have fun. But visiting the hospital together, taking a walk together and having a leisurely conversation is a completely different matter. Of course, supporting a friend in difficult times also involves real help. If possible, offer to live together for some time, take on some of the household chores and invite the injured party to get a good night's sleep and rest.

What to do when a loved one is in trouble?

It is extremely difficult to support your loved one. It is important to remember that your view of the problem may be radically different from your partner's perception of the situation. It is much easier for men to understand their women than vice versa. The fair sex is characterized by emotionality; many ladies love not only to describe in detail what happened, but also to talk about their feelings. All a man needs to do is listen. A common mistake that many husbands make: only after learning about the problem do they begin to look for solutions. This is not entirely the right tactic. The woman must first be pitied and reassured. And only after that can you make any attempts to solve the problem. It is quite possible that no real action will be required, but it is enough to find words of support in difficult times and remind them of your love and readiness to help.

How to help your beloved man get through a dark period?

If troubles occur with a representative of the stronger sex in a couple, the woman should gain wisdom. For some men, problems are just new lessons, while for others, any failure is the end of the world. The main rule is the same as when communicating with any other person. You should not try to find out more than what your interlocutor is trying to tell you. Supporting a loved one in difficult times can also be based on completely ignoring the problem. You should behave as if nothing had happened, trying to please your spouse with some little things. Some men need encouragement. It would be appropriate to say that, thanks to strong qualities character, they will be able to change and improve everything. The most important thing is to avoid criticism. Even if the current situation occurred due to a mistake and shortcoming of your spouse, you should not remind him of this. Suffice it to say that everything will definitely be the same as it was or even better.

How to console a sick person?

Health problems are the most serious. It’s not without reason that they say that you can buy everything except longevity and your well-being. What words of encouragement will really help a sick person? If the disease is not serious, try to cheer up your interlocutor and jokingly encourage him to speedy recovery. It would be useful to remind you of what awaits the patient after discharge from the hospital. Promise to go to some interesting place together or take a long-awaited walk. The patient will also be encouraged by the fact that his presence is missed by everyone.

What about those who are seriously ill?

If the disease is quite serious, it is necessary to please the patient with every little thing and try to maintain his good mood. Let us believe every day that healing is possible. Tell us about people who have successfully overcome this disease, and try to introduce your relative or friend to one of them, even if only virtually, using the Internet.

Should parents be supported?

It is not always easy to find words of support for a loved one. How to behave if your parents have problems? There should be no secrets between relatives who are so close. But for parents, we remain children at any age, and for this reason it can be difficult for them to talk about their troubles and admit their own weaknesses. Words must be chosen especially carefully. Whatever you say, it should not call into question the authority of the parents. The best tactics will be the usual care and participation. Show your attention, and, most likely, mom or dad will not only tell you everything, but maybe even ask for help or advice. If a person is depressed and does not want to look for a way out of the current situation, you should help him to tune in to a more positive mood. Try to distract your parents with something or just talk, remembering the past. The most important thing is not to panic and not to rush to act. As soon as calm comes, you can think about the current situation and find best option solutions to this problem.

How to help your own child cope with problems?

Has your girlfriend, boyfriend or stranger had an accident? Do you want to support and comfort him, but you don’t know how best to do this? What words can be said and what words should not be said? Passion.ru will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. Characterized by disbelief in everything that is happening, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite,.
Suffering phase. Lasts from 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory and sleep. The person also experiences constant anxiety, desire to retire, lethargy. Stomach pain and a feeling of a lump in the throat may occur. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, then during this period he may idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. Characterized by restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan your activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less often.
Recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief gives way to sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Is it necessary to console a person? Undoubtedly, yes. If the victim is not given help, this can lead to infections, accidents, and depression. Psychological assistance is priceless, so support your loved one as best you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person is not listening to you or is not paying attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you console strangers? If you feel sufficient moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person doesn’t push you away, doesn’t run away, doesn’t scream, then you’re doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in consoling people you know and people you don't know? Actually - no. The only difference is that you know one person more, another less. Once again, if you feel empowered, then help. Stay close, talk, involve general activities. Don't be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, let's look at methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of grief.

Shock phase

Your behavior:

Don't leave the person alone.
Touch the victim unobtrusively. You can take your hand, put your hand on your shoulder, pat your loved ones on the head, or hug. Monitor the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch or does he push away? If it pushes you away, don’t impose yourself, but don’t leave.
Make sure that the person being consoled rests more and does not forget about meals.
Keep the victim occupied with simple activities, such as some funeral work.
Listen actively. A person may say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and keep returning to emotional experiences. Avoid advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand him. Help the victim simply talk through his experiences and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

Talk about the past in the past tense.
If you know the deceased, tell him something good about him.

You can't say:

“You can’t recover from such a loss,” “Only time heals,” “You are strong, be strong.” These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
“Everything is God’s will” (helps only deeply religious people), “I’m tired of it,” “He will be better there,” “Forget about it.” Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, since they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even to completely forget about their grief.
“You are young, beautiful, you will get married/have a child.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And they tell him to dream.
“If only the ambulance had arrived on time,” “If only the doctors had paid more attention to her,” “If only I hadn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only intensify the bitterness of loss.
Your behavior:
In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
Let's give it to the victim more water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, keep him busy physical work around the house.
If the victim wants to cry, do not stop him from doing so. Help him cry. - cry with him.
If it does, don’t interfere.

Your words:

If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the area of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings.” Tell me how you feel.
Tell me that this suffering will not last forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. Tactfully avoiding these topics hurts more than mentioning the tragedy.

You can't say:

“Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
“And someone has it worse than you.” Such topics can help, parting, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare one person's grief with another's. Conversations that involve comparison can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.

There is no point in telling the victim: “If you need help, contact/call me” or asking him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little, take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema. Sometimes this has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to seem intrusive. Time will pass, and he will appreciate your help.

How to support someone if you are far away?

Call him. If he doesn't answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write an SMS or email email. Express your condolences, communicate your feelings, share memories that characterize the deceased from the brightest sides.

Remember that helping a person overcome grief is necessary, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, this will help not only him to cope with the loss. If the loss also affected you, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less damage to your own mental state. And this will also save you from feelings of guilt - you won’t reproach yourself for the fact that you could have helped, but didn’t, brushing aside other people’s troubles and problems.

Olga VOSTOCHNAYA,
psychologist

Grief is the internal experience of loss and the thoughts and feelings associated with it. Specialist in social psychiatry Erich Lindemann devoted an entire work to this emotional state, calling it “acute grief.”

Psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of acute grief:

1. Physical suffering - constant sighs, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Change in consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance separating the grieving person from other people, absorption in the image of the deceased;
3. Feelings of guilt - a search in the events preceding the death of a loved one for evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased; accusing yourself of inattention, exaggerating the significance of your slightest mistakes;
4. Hostile reactions - loss of warmth in relationships with people, irritation, anger and even aggression towards them, the desire not to bother them;
5. Loss of behavior patterns - haste, restlessness, aimless movements, constant search for some activity and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anything;
6. The appearance of the deceased’s features in the grieving person, especially the symptoms of his last illness or behavior - this symptom is already on the border of a pathological reaction.

The experience of grief is individual, but at the same time it has its own phases. Of course, the duration and their sequence may vary.

1. Shock and numbness

"Can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. The characteristic state can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average it lasts 9 days. A person experiences a feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensibility, physiological and behavioral disorders. If the loss is too overwhelming or sudden, the subsequent state of shock and denial of what happened sometimes takes on paradoxical forms, causing others to doubt the person’s mental health. This does not mean insanity, it’s just that the human psyche is not able to bear the blow and for some time seeks to isolate itself from terrible reality, creating an illusory world. At this stage, the grieving person can look for the deceased in the crowd, talk to him, “hear” his steps, put extra cutlery on the table... The deceased’s belongings and room can be kept intact in case of “return”.

What and how can you help a person in the shock phase?

It is completely useless to talk and console him. He still doesn’t hear you, and in response to all attempts to console him, he will only say that he feels fine. At such moments, it would be good to constantly be nearby, not leaving the person alone for a second, not letting him out of the field of attention, so as not to miss the acute reactive state. At the same time, you don’t have to talk to him, you can just silently be there.

Sometimes tactile contacts alone are enough to bring a person out of severe shock. Movements such as stroking the head are especially good. At this moment, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you manage to induce tears, it means the person is moving into the next phase.

It is necessary to cause any strong feelings– they are able to bring him out of shock. Obviously, it is not easy to awaken a state of great joy, but anger is also suitable here.

2. Anger and resentment

They can last from several days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of a loved one is felt more and more acutely. A person experiencing grief again and again in his mind replays the circumstances of his death and the events that preceded it. The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. It is difficult for a person to come to terms with loss. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons for it, asking himself a lot of different “whys”: “Why him?”, “Why (why) did such a misfortune befall us?”, “Why didn’t you keep him at home?”, “ Why didn’t you insist on going to the hospital?”... Anger and accusation can be directed at fate, God, or people. The reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased himself: for abandoning and causing suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including financial ones; for making a mistake and not being able to avoid death. All these negative emotions quite natural for a person experiencing grief. It’s just a reaction to one’s own helplessness in a given situation.

3. Stage of guilt and obsession

A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death may convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, the imagination can repeatedly play out how everything would have been then. Those experiencing loss often torment themselves with numerous “if onlys,” which sometimes acquire an obsessive character: “If only I had known...”, “If only I had stayed...” This is also a completely common reaction to loss. We can say that here acceptance fights denial. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one, in one form or another, feels guilt towards the deceased for not preventing his death; for not doing something for the deceased: not caring enough, not appreciating, not helping, not talking about his love, not asking for forgiveness, etc.

4. Stage of suffering and depression

Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. Just because suffering is in fourth place in the sequence of stages of grief does not mean that at first it is not there and then it suddenly appears. It's about that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is the period of maximum heartache which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves in a person's heart deep wound and causes severe torment, felt even on physical level. The suffering that a person experiences is not constant, but usually comes in waves. Tears may well up at any memory of the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. The reason for tears can also be a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying; suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. Although suffering can sometimes become unbearable, those grieving may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased and testify to their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray.

How can you alleviate the suffering of a grieving person?

If during the first phase you should constantly be with the grieving person, then here you can and should let the person be alone if he wants it. But if he has a desire to talk, you must always be at his disposal, listen and support.

If a person cries, it is not at all necessary to console him. What is "consolation"? This is an attempt to stop him from crying. We have unconditioned reflex to other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that the person calms down and stops crying. And tears provide the opportunity for strong emotional release.

You can unobtrusively introduce a person to socially useful activities: give them work, start loading them with household chores. This gives him the opportunity to escape from his main worries.

And, of course, the person needs to constantly demonstrate that you understand his loss, but treat him as to an ordinary person without doing him any favors.

5. Acceptance and reorganization stage

Can last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how severe and prolonged the grief, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the spiritual connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection between times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he gradually regains the ability to fully live in the reality around him and look to the future with hope. A person restores temporarily lost social connections and makes new ones. Interest in meaningful activities returns, new points of application of one’s strengths and abilities open up. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own future fate already without him. Thus, a reorganization of life occurs.

Basic Help at this stage is to facilitate this turning towards the future, to help make all kinds of plans.

How the process of experiencing loss will proceed, how intense and long-lasting the sadness will be, depends on many factors.

The significance of the deceased and the characteristics of the relationship with him. This is one of the most significant points that determine the nature of grief. The closer the person who passed away was and the more complex, confusing, and conflictual the relationship with him was, the more difficult the loss is experienced. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a consequence, the incompleteness of the relationship with him, especially aggravate the mental torment.

Circumstances of death. More swipe usually causes unexpected, severe (painful, prolonged) and/or violent death.

Age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, logical event. On the contrary, it can be more difficult to come to terms with the passing of a young person or child.

Experience of loss. Past deaths of loved ones are connected invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how a person dealt with it in the past.

Personal characteristics of the grieving person. Each person is unique, and his individuality, of course, is manifested in grief. From many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person relates to death. His reaction to loss depends on this. As he writes J. Rainwater, “the main thing that prolongs grief is the very tenacious illusion inherent in people of guaranteed security of existence.”

Social connections. The presence of people nearby who are ready to hold and share grief greatly facilitates the experience of loss.

Often loved ones, in their desire to support, only make things worse. So what? You should not say when communicating with grieving people:

Untimely statements that do not take into account current circumstances or psychological state experiencing loss.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or a desire to drown it out: “Well, you’re still young, and,” “Don’t cry - she/he wouldn’t like it,” etc.
Projective statements that transfer one’s own ideas, feelings or desires onto another person. Among the various types of projections, two stand out in particular:
a) projection of one’s experience, for example, in the words: “Your feelings are so clear to me.” In fact, any loss is individual, and no one is given the opportunity to fully understand the suffering and severity of the loss of Another.
c) projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: “You need to continue your life, you need to go out more often, you need to end mourning” - they are simply expressing their own needs.
In addition, we should separately highlight the most frequently used clichés, which, as it seems to others, alleviate the suffering of the grieving person, but in fact prevent him from properly experiencing grief: “You should have dealt with this by now,” “You need to keep yourself busy with something,” “Time heals all wounds”, “Be strong”, “You shouldn’t give in to tears.” All these verbal attitudes drive grief underground.