Resentment towards the past. This is really important...

If we subjectively feel that we have invested more in the relationship, then a skew of justice and balance arises. Moreover, the spouse, for his part, may feel the same. Because each, not understanding the properties of the other, gave what he knew how to do, and not what the partner wanted.

If it weren’t for the resentment towards my husband, this understanding would never have come to me.

I want to forgive you for your deception and betrayal. Because the family died before it could be formed. For short sex as the only expression of the relationship.

I want to forgive you for not helping me care for him when our newborn baby was screaming around the clock for months. For the quarrels, for the fact that in the most difficult moments you didn’t even hug me, looked at me with contempt and demanded that I pull myself together.

I want to forgive you for driving me away from the house that we dreamed and built together. For what's yours good mood- a rare guest in our house. If it happens sometimes, you go away and give it to your friends.

I want to forgive you for your stony silence, ignorance, obscurity. For your signature “don’t count on me.” Because when you leave home you don’t say a word.

I was ready for this - I wanted to forgive you. But first I had to look inside myself and face my resentment face to face.

Resentment is my earthly compass

The first discovery for me was that it is not common for all women to be offended by their husbands. “Venetiousness” is characteristic only of those whose memory is, in principle, better than that of others. In System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan, such people (both men and women) are called carriers. An ideal, encyclopedic memory is given to them by nature because they are potentially professionals, scrupulous and accurate, neat and responsible.

Carriers of the anal vector have an important role in society - the accumulation and transmission of experience to next generations. And they perfectly implement it in the role of teachers, teachers, professionals in their field. But this doesn't always happen. If the memory properties of such a person are not used to accumulate and transmit knowledge, he concentrates on negative memories of your life.

This is why a woman with an anal vector often simply cannot follow the advice of a psychologist and forget the bad things. Resentment towards the man accumulates, and she does not know how to influence it. Due to their innate properties– good memory, priority of past experience – such a woman falls into a trap from which it is not easy to get out without knowledge about herself.

How is resentment born? Also from the innate properties of the anal vector. For such people, justice is extremely important, which, in their understanding, means “equally.” If we subjectively feel that we have invested more in the relationship, then a skew of justice and balance arises. It’s a big mistake to wait silently for him to give in, as you can build up a strong resentment. Moreover, the spouse, for his part, may feel the same. Because each, not understanding the properties of the other, gave what he knew how to do, and not what the partner wanted. And he remained unrewarded.

To take revenge on my husband for the insult

The desire to teach a husband a lesson for insulting him is also characteristic of people with the anal vector. Because we are supporters of equality. We feel comfortable when everything is equal. Including grievances. With revenge, we try to restore psychological comfort when the resentment has grown. We long to pay the offender back in the same coin. We think that since I was betrayed, then I will betray me, and it will become easier for me.

But most often it doesn’t work to punish a husband for an offense. as a property implies a tendency to constantly be offended by people’s large and small offenses. Having been offended once, we most often make it a habit. And we can maintain a state of balance only by taking revenge without stopping and getting tired - sometimes with an offensive word, sometimes with an action, even if it’s a small thing. This kind of game is not worth the candle. It becomes clear that it is time.

The wife's resentment against her husband. Why does he offend you?

He does not offend in the literal sense of the word. He's just different. Not like you.

A person measures others by himself. You see external actions and explain them internal reasons, inherent and understandable to you. But he has them differently.

A person may not even be aware that his actions are causing offense to another. Or he may want to do good, but miss the values ​​of the recipient. An ardent individualist, he gives freedom and maximum personal space to his partner. And the partner with the anal vector - a desperate family man - perceives this as pain. He doesn't need that kind of "freedom".

What if you don't forgive?

If difficult situation was not lived correctly and made her take offense at her husband, then subsequently the label of offender can automatically be attached to other men.

If there is no resentment left, then there is no bad experience left.

Offense against your husband - how to forgive?

This is easy to do once you understand real reasons his actions. How? By using system-vector psychology Yuri Burlan.

After completing the free lectures, some of the grievances against the husband fall away, because the actions that previously offended begin to be perceived as a manifestation of his personal characteristics and now cause a smile. It is impossible to be offended by your husband for them after this.

Becomes visible positive side"negative" properties. He is a strict overseer of order and is himself disciplined. A cold philosopher is able to reveal the secrets of existence. A romantic who is unable to protect in a fight will give the greatest love.

Some of the more severe grievances go away later, when a woman becomes able to understand those actions that are compensation for a person’s internal frustrations.

Understanding a person's actions does not always mean approving them. It means freedom from resentment.

It is also very important that the ability to understand and predict people’s actions frees you from unjustified expectations. We begin to understand absolutely clearly what a person is capable of and what he will never be able to do. We understand the reasons for his actions, good and not so good. This radically solves the problem of touchiness in ourselves and gives the answer to how to cope with difficult feelings.

Gratitude instead of resentment towards your husband

When the iron curtain of grievances fell, best moments our life.

I also saw that resentment was inherent in me as a state, regardless of your actions. A long-standing resentment against my mother revealed itself and released its snares. I am grateful to you for being with me, despite my touchiness.

I am grateful to you for all the good things. For the very fact that I loved. After all, it is such happiness to love!

What to do? Register for free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan to let go of many years of grievances against your husband, understand him and yourself, and see countless reasons for gratitude and happiness!

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»

Leonardo da Vinci

Perhaps we all have to deal with grievances in our lives from time to time. Situations when we are offended by someone, or when someone is offended by us, are almost inevitable. This is understandable, our behavior does not always suit other people, and their behavior does not always suit us, and there are many reasons for this. The main reason is our egoism, which forces us to think first of all about ourselves, while other people want us to think about them, or even about them. And we also want other people not to forget about us and to take into account our interests and desires when making certain decisions. But when our expectations for other people are not met, we become offended by them. Touchiness is not the most attractive character trait in a person and many people disapprove of it. However, it is inherent in most people, or rather, in everyone, so we inevitably have to deal with it. In this article, dear readers, I will tell you about why people are offended by each other, how to behave with offended people, and what we should do with our own resentment so that it does not prevent us from achieving our goals and enjoying life.

You know, I have always believed and still believe that being offended is the lot of the weak. I know that many of us are offended by someone from time to time, and I, too, sometimes get offended, including myself. We tend to be offended, so this is a normal reaction and there is no need to be ashamed of it. But you and I must understand that this is not the most best model behavior – not the most effective, not the most effective, not the most adequate and not the most beautiful. Therefore, it is better to replace it with another model, a more advanced and, let’s say, mature model of behavior. Below I will tell you about what you can do to give up touchiness and how to do it.

Why do we get offended

To answer the question of why we are offended, we need to pay attention to how we are offended - do we take offense within ourselves in order to feel sorry for ourselves and justify our failures, or do we demonstrate to other people our resentment, our dissatisfaction, our offended by their actions in order to achieve from them a certain reaction that we need. Moreover, one thing is often combined with the other. After all, we all want something from someone, but we don’t always get what we want. What is not a reason to be offended and show other people that they are wrong, and at the same time justify yourself in your own eyes - shifting all responsibility for your failures to other people. For some of us, resentment is a real salvation from internal discomfort. So there will always be a reason to be offended, but being offended is not always appropriate, and often even harmful, so it all depends on how a person is used to reacting to what does not suit him in the behavior of other people. It happens that other people do not live up to our expectations and hopes, so we are disappointed in them - we are dissatisfied with them, we are dissatisfied with their behavior and even with ourselves for trusting these people. We feel offended, we feel betrayed. This happens often. But we can carry our resentment within ourselves, that is, we can be offended unnoticed, or we can be offended so that everyone can see it, and we do this mainly when our resentment allows us to manipulate other people. So, on the one hand, we are looking for a reason to feel sorry for ourselves and justify ourselves, and on the other hand, we want to achieve something from other people through resentment.

All this comes from childhood, when the ability to be offended by adults, mainly by their parents, allows the child to achieve certain concessions on their part. With the help of resentment, children attract the attention of adults, clearly demonstrating to them their weakness and pressing on their feelings of guilt. This is real manipulation, because when we demonstrate our touchiness to others, we try to manipulate them, we try to influence their feelings of guilt in this way in order to induce them to take the actions we need. This is why and why we are offended. Resentment can be spontaneous, when we simply don’t know how else to react to the disappointment that we have experienced because of other people, or it can be purposeful, when we want to influence someone. Why are you offended [if you are offended], dear readers? Think about it. Perhaps your resentment is not doing you any good, regardless of the reason why you are offended - to pity and justify yourself, or to influence other people, or to do both. Let's look at what else makes people touchy.

Upbringing. Despite the fact that a person’s touchiness may be affected by unfavorable hormonal background, education still plays a more significant role in this matter. Well, correctly, and even let’s say, a reasonably educated person will not be offended, or in any case, he will not show his offense to anyone. Why, why should we be offended when there are plenty of other ways to survive any failures and disappointments, and to influence other people? A person who is offended demonstrates weakness, people do not respect offended people because they despise weakness because it is not viable. It is much more profitable to act from a position of strength or to interest other people in order to achieve the desired behavior and desired actions from them. Think for yourself - what do we show to other people when we are offended by them and show them our resentment? What did they do wrong—wrong for us, but at the same time, quite possibly, right for themselves? We also show them that we are unhappy with them, that we are not satisfied with their behavior, that we want an apology, for something to be done for us, and so on and so forth. In other words, we want something from people with whom we are demonstratively offended, and at the same time, we see no other way to get what we need from them. What is it? This is weakness. We demonstrate to people our inability to influence them in other ways, we admit our own helplessness. Will this help us solve our problems and tasks, help us strengthen our position in society, in the team, in relationships with the opposite sex? No, it won't help. In rare cases, people can be manipulated by influencing their feelings of pity, guilt, and their desire to be good and right for everyone, including us. But still, in many cases, touchiness has an extremely limited range of possibilities. In general, we can be offended by selfish people as much as we want - they still won’t change anything in their behavior. But the problem is that if a person is used to being offended, is used to seeking concessions from other people in this way, because he was raised that way, one might even say that he was spoiled, it is difficult for him to give up this behavior, even if his grievances do not work. Or if a person is so morally weak that he is unable to adhere to a different model of behavior with people, then for him grievances are the only salvation. But all these problems can be solved.

Passing the buck. The desire to shift responsibility to others also often prompts many people to be offended by everyone who did not help them in some way. Although, why on earth should someone help someone, especially just like that, is unclear. But for some touchy people this is not so important. The main thing for them is that they are not to blame for anything, other, bad, wrong people are to blame for everything. It is they, other people, who are to blame for not meeting the expectations of the offended person, and not he is to blame for placing these expectations on them. Or other people may be guilty of not paying the person the attention he needs and doing little for him, while he didn’t really try to interest them in himself, so that it would be beneficial for them to pay their attention to him. In general, the point is that being offended by other people means seeing them as the problem, not yourself. But what's the point? How many people want to change for someone? How many people want to change, at least for their own sake? So what's the point of being offended by them, what's the point of shifting responsibility to them for how they behave with us? Well, perhaps only for internal peace, for internal comfort, there is no need for anything else.

Manipulation. The desire to manipulate people, including through touchiness, is an innate human desire. You can manipulate people with the help of resentment both consciously and unconsciously. This is done unknowingly mainly by children who simply adhere to the model of behavior that allows them to achieve the desired attitude from adults. And if adults react to a child’s grievances in the way he needs, he will continue to be offended by them in the future. We've all been through this, most of us. But some people, it must be said, have consciously taken touchiness into their arsenal and, with its help, manipulate everyone they can, everyone who allows themselves to be manipulated in this way. And those who see touchy people as poorly educated people and the most common manipulators are not mistaken in most cases. True, sometimes such manipulation looks rather naive, because, as I said above, not many people react to the insults of other people in the way they, the manipulators, need. And this is correct, since any manipulation is not a way to find common language with a person in order to get something from him, but at the same time to give him something, but a way to achieve what he wants, without taking into account the interests of this person, without taking into account the interests and desires of other people. This is forgivable for children; they get along with adults as best they can. But for an adult to be offended by people in order to manipulate them, it is at least unbecoming. And as a maximum, I think this needs to be punished, either through counter-manipulation, or by ignoring such people. This is about the question of how to behave with touchy people. Sometimes, of course, you can listen to them and understand them if they are offended not for the purpose of extracting unilateral benefits, but because of their weakness. But still from this bad habit– the habit of being offended, the touchy person must be eliminated.

I would also like to note that children’s touchiness is a natural age stage. Children are forced to act from a position of weakness, putting pressure on the pity and guilt of adults; for them this is one of the few opportunities to achieve the attention they need and certain concessions. Adults are a different matter; for them, touchiness is more of a disadvantage than an advantage. It’s unpleasant to see how an adult, instead of agreeing on something with other people, prefers to be offended by them and expects that they will make concessions to him. This is ugly and in some cases naive. At the same time, touchiness can be pathological, when a person not only does not know how to react differently to other people if their behavior does not suit him, but even looks for reasons to be offended, in order to make himself a victim, in order to cry, in order to show how life is unfair to him and how bad other people who have offended him can be. There is also normal touchiness, when a person is so disappointed with other people that he simply cannot resist expressing his disappointment with them through offense. In this case, such a reaction is an exception for a person and therefore he is offended very rarely, in exceptional cases when his emotions are so strong that it is difficult for him to control them. We have all been so offended at least once in our lives, because sometimes, indeed, some people amaze us with their dishonesty and sometimes even cruelty. And when you are hurt, when you are not cared for, when you have been betrayed, you don’t really think about what your behavior looks like from the outside. Well, non-offensive people are an example for all of us to follow. Those who never take offense get the decisions, actions, and behavior they need from people in other ways, including through the ability to negotiate, interest, and persuade. As a rule, it is very pleasant to deal with such people - after all, they are quite objective in assessing their own and other people’s interests and try to think not only about themselves, but also about other people when they are asked for something. It's a pity that there aren't many such people in our lives.

Be that as it may, sometimes, I believe, you can allow yourself to be offended, especially in those cases when you were deceived, betrayed, let down by a person dear to you, whom you trusted one hundred percent. Still, a treacherous act on the part of someone close and dear to you, and especially a loved one, is very swipe, after which it is difficult to cope with your emotions. But you shouldn’t focus your attention on the offense. It must be experienced and conclusions drawn from the incident that caused it. People hurt us for a reason, but so that we perceive them adequately and do not trust them too much.

But it would be simply wonderful not to be offended at all. People who never take offense at anyone exist, but, as I already said, they are few. Usually these are self-confident people with maturity of mind and good mental health. In addition, such people understand well how to behave in our society in order to obtain from other people the necessary actions, decisions, actions, and the right attitude towards themselves. No one is going to meet us halfway just because we want it, and no matter how much you are offended by people, most of them will think first of all about themselves and their desires, goals, dreams. But our desires and dreams are our worries. Therefore, it is better to adhere to a more effective and efficient model of behavior when communicating with other people. And even if you are rightfully offended by them, try not to show them your offense unless you are sure that they will react to it in the way you want. There is no need to show people your weakness and dependence on them - as a rule, this does not make them kinder and more sympathetic.

How to stop being offended

To stop being offended, you must first find out what result you want to achieve with your offensive behavior? You need to ask yourself this question if you are offended by people demonstratively, if you show them your offense and expect a certain reaction from them. Somewhere in the depths of your soul, you clearly hope that people will make concessions to you, reacting to your resentment towards them, and do something for you that you want them to do. Perhaps you simply expect that they will apologize to you, if there is anything, or perhaps you expect that people will try to atone for their guilt to you for offending you. Surely in childhood, your grievances brought you certain positive results when adults, for example, your parents, made concessions to you. And now you expect that this model of behavior will work in adulthood and you will be able to use your grievances to achieve the same concessions as in childhood.

So think about the outcome you are hoping for. And when you understand what you want, when you realize your calculations in relation to other people, think about other ways to influence them. Well, what kind of ways these could be - it could be the pressure that you can put on others when you have a clearly winning position on a particular issue. These can be the methods I have already mentioned - to interest, attract, bribe this or that person with something so that he does something that you need, being motivated by his desires, and not by a feeling of guilt in front of you. In other words, strive for what you need, not through touchiness, but through other methods of influencing people. You will see for yourself how many of them are more effective and practical.

And do not allow those who are offended by you to make you feel guilty towards them and feel pity for them. If you know that you are right, do not make excuses to anyone, do not look for an opportunity to atone for your guilt if there is none. Behind any feeling of resentment there is always some kind of human desire - the desire of the offended person, which he hopes to realize in this way. If you are this person, then you don’t need to touch the desire itself - you need to find another way to realize it. And there are many such ways. Touchiness, as I already said, is not the best best way influence other people. And if someone is trying to realize their desire at your expense, demonstratively taking offense at you and expecting certain concessions on your part, do not react, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Teach other people to interact with you on normal, mutually beneficial terms, teach them to respect you, and at the same time themselves. Do not feel sorry for those who use pity as a tool of influence; such people do not deserve pity.

Thus, to get rid of resentment, find out why you are offended, what you want to achieve with your resentment, what your resentment will actually give you and how else you can get what you want, how else you can influence people to do something for you? These questions of yours to yourself will make your behavior more meaningful, that is, the way it should be in an adult, reasonable, prudent person who knows how to control himself.

Pay also your attention to the behavior of those people who have achieved significant great success in life than you - learn to react to certain situations from them. This is the easiest way to learn something - you just need to repeat after others, after those whom it makes sense to repeat after. So if you are a touchy person, you definitely need to start taking example from other people, from those who are not offended by anyone, but are looking for different ways to interact with different people. We all often find ourselves in difficult interpersonal situations when we need to use a certain model of behavior to achieve the desired results. Each of us behaves differently in such situations. Someone is offended if there is a reason for this, and if there is none, then one can be invented, someone is angry, intimidates and puts pressure on people, someone persuades and begs other people in order to get the necessary decisions and actions from them, someone is trying to interest them in something, and so on. There are many ways to influence people, as I already said, and, of course, you need to be able to use them all. But at the same time, you need to more actively master the most effective behavior, abandoning ineffective, childish, unattractive behavior, which often does more harm than good. Therefore, take an example from those who act effectively, practically, competently and beautifully. And leave touchiness in childhood - in adulthood you will not need it in the vast majority of cases.

We all want something, we all strive for something, we all want other people to help us realize our desires and dreams, and we expect this from them, we expect them to help us. As children, we expected a lot from our parents and other adults, and as adults, we begin to associate many of our dreams and desires with our friends, bosses, wives or husbands, politicians, and so on. This is the problem with resentment - we expect too much from others and too little from ourselves. But in this life no one owes us anything. If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s unlikely that anyone else will take care of you. Remember this and try not to be offended by other people, especially demonstratively, so as not to show both them and yourself your weakness and helplessness. Adopt a pattern of behavior that inspires respect and allows you to achieve greater success in life.

Relieve stress with your own hands!
Everyone understands perfectly well that there is no point in being offended, but still we get offended, how does this happen and is it possible to learn to live without offense?

Practice working with grievances

1. Crying out

Grievances are easily removed by crying. While the insult is still fresh, cry! Don’t hold back your tears, your health is more important than your pride. (In principle, of course, some will choose pride and give themselves a stroke - and this happens).

2. “Whipping pillow.”

No one can sleep on it - neither you nor anyone else. This pillow is supposed to be beaten. Hit her with all your might, just as you would like to beat the offender! Let it all out negative energy, tell the pillow everything that you would like to express to the offender. Remember - it is impossible to forgive while holding back the negative energy of resentment within yourself!

3. Reprimands for water.

Sit on the river bank and tell the river all your pain and sadness. Look where the water flows and tell how hurt and offended you are, how you suffer.
Believe me, the river will take away many of your grievances, this is a proven remedy. If there is no river nearby, you can open the tap in the bathroom and go ahead.

4. Screaming.

Go to a completely empty place and if your resentment has turned into anger, shout out this anger, scream with all your might! Swear, shout obscene words that come to your tongue, don’t hold back or control anything. Put all the negative accumulated energy into the scream.

I know people who scream at home, in the bathroom, while no one is home. Not paying attention to what the neighbors might hear - well, is health more valuable than ambition?

5. We write out the offense.

Let's sit down and take a piece of paper and a pen. Write by hand ONLY! We write the date, month, year, time. And we begin to write everything that is boiling in our hearts, that worries us and does not give us peace. We finish when the sheet runs out on both sides. We don’t take another sheet!

This is very important—measure is important when prescribing. If you write at the end, I’ll finish, and you indicate the time again—obligatory. Re-read everything you wrote. Can be very discomfort, be patient, this is normal.

Then you burn the piece of paper, watching how it burns, how the paper folds, how the lines melt in the fire. This is how your pain and resentment burns away.

6. Conscious perception

The most effective and environmentally friendly rule for dissolving grievances is conscious perception. We improve where the offense is located in the body, what it looks like, and fix it in the mind. We mentally say: “I see you, you are relative to me.” With these words we “take” her out of the body and ask: “What did you come to teach me?”

The result can be stunning! In a few minutes you can not only dissolve resentment, but also understand great meaning Life, guiding us to the better.

Don’t keep grudges that corrode the joy of life. Love each other, forgive and be happy!

Have you ever experienced an annoying feeling of resentment? When there seems to be no reason anymore, and a conversation has taken place with the offender, but the feeling of squeezing your heart does not go away? This has happened to almost everyone, but some people feel resentment over almost anything. Why this happens and how to stop being offended, we’ll figure it out in this article.

How to stop being offended by others?

According to psychologists, people who often feel resentment suffer from low self-esteem. It is also noted that most often those who cannot correctly assess reality are prone to offense. Inflated expectations and not always corresponding results unsettle insecure people. Which leads to an unpleasant feeling of depression and resentment towards people.

Most often prone to taking offense over trifles selfish individuals, for whom it is easiest to blame someone else for failure than themselves. They are not familiar with the feeling of understanding, they are not ready to enter into someone else's position. Perhaps in this way, such individuals are trying to compensate for their failure. In the “hands” of selfish people, resentment becomes an excellent means of manipulation.

• Before you succumb to emotions and harbor a grudge against your opponent, you should calm down and comprehend what happened. More often, rational approach makes it possible to evaluate a quarrel in which both are to blame.
• When a feeling of resentment creeps up, you should abstract yourself from the situation. Imagine yourself in ten years, will this situation really worry you as much as it does now?
• In order to suppress feelings of resentment, it is worth at some point to take the place of the offender. Perhaps his problems are much more complex than yours. Which was the reason for harsh statements or aggressive behavior.
• It’s also worth thinking about, maybe you’re the one who’s tired? And the constantly arising feelings of resentment, is this just a reaction to accumulated fatigue and stress? In this case, it’s worth unwinding a little, spending time on yourself and making new acquaintances.

The main thing to remember is that fighting a constant feeling of resentment will take a lot of time and self-control. You should also realize that people are who they are and your grievances will not change them.

Reasons for resentment towards a loved one

Resentment towards a loved one is quite common among the fair sex. At the same time, women often diligently avoid explaining the cause of “pouting lips.” Everything is done according to the principle “you have to guess it yourself.” But the main problem lies in the fact that it is very difficult for men to understand women’s hints, and behavior in general. What may be normal for the stronger sex, women will perceive as a personal insult. And of course, they will show dissatisfaction with their entire appearance.

Men having great experience family life, faced inexplicable insults from my wife more than once. But with age, women become more tolerant and wiser. Her experience gives her special self-confidence, which affects the harmony in the family.

Frequent grievances against their husbands arise among young and less experienced wives. An unpleasant and annoying feeling can be caused by a decline in self-confidence after childbirth, due to a change in figure. Resentments due to lack of attention are also common.

Resentment towards a guy, especially in long relationship may be caused by uncertainty about the future. In the beginning, grievances over trifles are more relevant. Perhaps this is due to boiling passions in a relationship or a storm of feelings.

How to deal with grievances against a loved one?

In order to overcome constant feeling resentment towards a loved one, psychologists recommend resorting to a frank conversation. You need to dot the i’s and explain to your soul mate the reason for the offense. After the man understands and realizes his guilt, loving woman will try to accept her loved one as he is.

In the case when grievances become only a consequence of tense relationships and lack of love, then only separation remains. This will help normalize peace of mind and will save you from unwanted health consequences, which are very dependent on your mental state.

How to stop being offended by your parents?

Correctly built relationships with parents in childhood help solve many problems in adulthood. But when a child suffers from a lack or misunderstanding of his family, this can significantly affect his future.

Often the cause of grievances is the parents’ excessive attention to their child, as well as the desire to fulfill all his dreams and wishes. Growing up, such a child can remain in the same infantile state, waiting for his every whim to be fulfilled. When a negative answer appears to all his “I want”, the child’s picture of the world collapses, which is where resentment against his parents arises.

It is worth looking for the reasons for constant grievances against parents in early childhood. And in order to get rid of them, you need to transform childhood grievances into a feeling of gratitude for guardianship, for education, and even for an imperfect attitude, because it was this that gave you the opportunity to look at life with cold calculation.

An adult with a certain life wisdom, will not rush to condemn others and harbor resentment against them. First of all, he will try to find the cause of the conflict, after which he will enter the position of the offender. After all, everyone has the right to make mistakes.

I understand everything: quarrel, anger, offensive words, ridiculous accusations... this has already happened a couple of times (who doesn’t), I even went home-)) but immediately returned (2 days no more) - I couldn’t live without him, I even stopped thinking! he didn’t apologize - (“When you bring a person to such a state that he is ready to say anything - who do you think is to blame for this” (well, how could I answer that?!) but this time... there was some kind of... it’s a pain... yesterday I was doing yoga, and my eyes were full of tears - (((when you open everything comes out...) I don’t know what to do and how to deal with this, this is my first relationship of this kind (we live together) , including no practice in “saving the relationship boat” ((Tell me?!
Sonya © (05.02.2002 11:02)

It happens to everyone......but better than men Don’t let things get to you over trifles. I think you just need to take some water into your mouth, figuratively or actually, and remain silent. Then you will be grateful to yourself for your restraint. In men nervous system weaker than women, they should be pitied. If you love and want to be with him, you will have to give in a lot. And out of spite, they can say a lot of nasty things in order to offend and hurt. But you're right, we achieve this ourselves.
Sweetie © (05.02.2002 12:02)

What should we do now, Sweetie?! Where should I hide this resentment? I can’t “calmly talk” about this with him now - he has no time for it (there are a lot of problems that need to be solved right now...) - he will “break down” again...
Sonya © (05.02.2002 12:02)

There is no need to hide your grudge!!! because it will definitely come up during the next conflict!!! And then again and again!!! And it will just turn out like a snake ball. Just wait until things calm down a little, when he has these problems resolved. And be sure to talk!!! In the meantime, you can put the essence of the conversation in writing. And you yourself will calm down and then you will feel more confident.
GIS © (05.02.2002 12:02)

Firstly, it seems to me that you can’t go anywhere when there are quarrels. By doing this you are losing your position. The conflict must be resolved on your common territory. If you can’t come to a compromise right away, try not to answer him, cool down, and then sit down and talk in a calm atmosphere. If you can’t speak, try to write everything down coldly, leave it in a visible place for him, for example, before leaving for work. So that he also has time to calmly read and think about everything. I don’t think you should let him think, much less think that you brought him to any insults. Everyone must be aware of what to say to the other. It's just a matter of basic communication culture. And if he insults you, then the problem is with him, not with you; at the same time, it is important for you not to stoop to insults and generalizations. If you yourself restrain yourself in tone and words, then gradually such quarrels should turn into a more constructive discussion of the problems that have arisen. It helped me, although I never left.
Bun © (05.02.2002 12:02)

There were no insults! what you! She left precisely to “stay.” This time I stayed - I myself know that this is more correct... I just want to understand where the “border” is between “preserving the hearth” and “self-deception”?
Sonya © (05.02.2002 12:02)

Believe me, if you want to save everything, come back soon!!! Here I also went to my parents, asked for forgiveness, I did not forgive, and when I left and returned... in general, it was too late. It seems our 1.5 years of marriage have been thrown overboard... he's just tired
Karlusha © (05.02.2002 15:02)

Yes, I didn’t go anywhere!! I wrote this about last time... but how can you sleep with a person when you have this inside you!!!???
Sonya © (05.02.2002 15:02)

If there are no insults, then so much the easier. You just need to calmly tell the person what hurt you. If you don’t agree with him, explain what you think and feel, make it clear that you don’t want to convince him, but simply explain how you see the situation from your bell tower. And if you agree in your heart, even if partly, then say so. After all, sometimes it happens that you internally know why he is like this and agree with him, but you can’t even dare to say it out loud. And if you have any questions, then let your significant other know about them too. Then there will be no self-deception. The situation will become clearer and develop into the preservation of the outbreak.
Bun © (06.02.2002 13:02)

Sorry, Sonya’s nickname is apparently not unique:((In fact, he’s really right, oddly enough. Well, hand on heart, eh? Well, you know how to expertly pick up women casually and unnoticed, so you’ll remember for years... And maybe it seems to you that “Yes, I didn’t say anything like that!” Who knows, maybe you managed to remain silent SO that the guy’s nerves simply couldn’t stand it? We’re different, so what’s there to hide :))) And men really sense grievances and clues much more keenly, but they show maybe less. Because he doesn’t fit into the stereotype. Well, if you lose your temper, mom, don’t worry! Take a pencil and paper and write it down. Before I forget, then let him read it when he leaves. Very sobering, trust me! :)))
Cevgen © (05.02.2002 16:02)