Unsociable teenager. The teenager has withdrawn into himself: is it possible to establish contact? Let's make a knight's move! When do children need psychological help?

When we talk about teenagers, we imagine aggressive, uncontrollable creatures with whom it is very difficult to contact. It is between the ages of 12 and 17 that the most difficult period of a child’s life begins. He becomes withdrawn, uncommunicative, secretive and aggressive. And even for the most harmonious and positive family, this period in a child’s life is the most difficult. It's very difficult for parents to find common language with my children, who have grown up and changed.

What happens to the child?

Of course, at any age a child can be capricious, disobedient, he can also be angry and deceive. But this is not the peculiarity of adolescence. The specificity of this age is doubting the absolute authority of parents. This change may come as a shock to you, but there is nothing unhealthy or wrong about it - it is a normal occurrence that occurs in all teenagers.

The reason for this conflict behavior teenagers have their accelerated development. At this age, their abilities and intelligence are developed at the level of any adult. It is no wonder that a teenager begins to perceive himself as an adult, demands an appropriate attitude towards himself and is indignant if he is perceived as a child.

Low self-esteem often becomes a problem for teenagers.

If you think that it is easy for your child at this point in his life, then you are deeply mistaken. Just imagine the global scale of all the changes that occur to him during this period. He begins to grow quickly, his voice begins to change, he begins to feel ugly, becomes vulnerable for reasons unknown even to himself. He dissatisfied, first of all, with himself and all the people around him as well.

The trouble with teenagers is often low self-esteem: they don’t like themselves, they consider themselves stupider, uglier, and more mediocre than others. He is sure that no one is interested in him. To become more popular, he follows the lead of his peers, to join their company, they try to stun the public with extraordinary makeup and outfits. His behavior becomes provocative, and his hobbies lead to confusion.

Being a teenager isn't easy

Remember how you yourself felt in adolescence. Increased irritability and vulnerability, misunderstanding on the part of parents, difficulties of growing up, changes, both internal and external. An attempt to prove that it is no longer small child and the fight for freedom. It's not easy, is it?

It is safe to say that V modern world it's much harder for a teenager. This is explained by the abundant flow of information that pours into him from everywhere. He can find out anything through the Internet, television and so on. Because of this large quantity information, children feel even more developed and, accordingly, more mature. Although media information does not help children understand themselves and learn to control their actions.

What motivates a child when he deliberately comes into conflict with you, does not listen, does everything to spite you, closes in on himself, amazes everyone with his eccentric behavior and is completely uncontrollable? And most importantly, what to do in this situation, how to behave?

The main reason for this behavior, as mentioned above, is the borderline state of the child. He is between childhood and adolescence, in a conflict between his desires, needs and possibilities. Perceiving himself as an adult, a teenager cannot understand why the adults around him still treat him like a child.

This raises a lot of questions for him. Who is he if not an adult? smart man? And if he is treated like a baby, then how should he treat others?

This is a long and difficult period self-knowledge, attempts to understand surrounding adults and peers, getting to know members of the opposite sex and finding the right pattern of behavior with them.

It is relationships with the opposite sex - matters of the heart - that arouse the most interest in a teenager. Often it is love problems that occupy all the child’s thoughts and make them suffer terribly.

If you don’t help your child during this borderline period, don’t give him hints and advice, a child can make many mistakes, which will not lead to the most rosy consequences. Many teenage mistakes remain in memory forever and affect a person’s future.

Another topic that teenagers constantly think about is relationships with peers and his place among them. The opinion of peers becomes very important for the child; he wants to enjoy authority with them and make an impression. Communication with friends becomes almost the main activity of the child. They communicate everywhere: at school, on the phone, on the Internet, on the street. Only in general company they can finally feel independent when discussing adult topics.

But no matter how many friends a teenager has, he will still worry about the impression he makes on others and strive to look better in their eyes.

How to find a common language with a teenager?

All of the above changes that occur with a child during adolescence turn not only his life, but also the life of the entire family upside down. You can hardly recognize your baby - he has become a completely different person. That is why forget that your child is small - he is no longer the same. You have to get to know him again, his hobbies, fears and desires. Treat him like a new acquaintance and listen carefully to what he has to say to you. Some advice for parents who don't want to lose touch with their teenage children:

One of the secrets to successful relationships with children is listening skills. Of course, it is very difficult for mom and dad to come to terms with the fact that their child is growing up and beginning to acquire his own personal interests and independent opinions. However, you simply have to come to terms with this and learn to listen to him as you would listen to your peer - absolutely seriously, absorbing his every word. This is how you let your child know that you take him seriously, that his opinion is important to you. And in this way you will immediately win his favor.
Another rule in relationships with teenagers is lack of rigid boundaries. It is not at all necessary to monitor every step of your offspring and direct his every action. Do not forbid your child everything in the world just because you want to prove your power over him - this only humiliates and offends him. If what he wants to do is within reason, allow him. If you are worried about the consequences, share your anxiety, trust him, and he will not let you down. A child will never learn anything from your lectures and moralizing - he must learn the world from his own experience, make mistakes himself and correct them. Give him the opportunity to learn and take responsibility for his actions.
The right to choice and freedom of action are extremely important for a teenager. Do not impose your advice and your opinion, just because you are an adult. Encourage his independence and be happy when your child achieves what he has in mind. If it doesn’t work, support him and inspire him to try again. This will bring you closer and help you find a common language.
Never forget what you were like as a teenager. Tell your child about the mistakes that you yourself made, about the fears and resentments that you experienced. This will let the child understand that he is the same as everyone else, that what is happening to him is normal and, moreover, that you are the same person as him. Don't try to seem better than you really are, admit your mistakes. If you don’t know, can’t, don’t know how to do something, just tell him about it. Never lie to your child - one small lie can kill all the trust in you. If you are honest with him, he will see you as a friend and support.

Very often, teenagers experience sudden and unreasonable changes in mood and behavior.

This is also normal for his age. Try to react to this calmly, understand that such changes are not controlled by the teenager himself, and he himself does not understand what is happening to him. Don't worry, this period will pass.

Don't compete with your child. Your relationship is not a game for the title of head of the family. There is no need to try to humiliate a child by showing him your power, unfairly punishing him simply “because you can,” and so on. A family is one team that works together and your child is not a rival, but a partner, treat him as such.

Punishments, threats, and insults on your part towards a teenager can lead to irreparable consequences - you forever risk losing the respect and love of your child. Don't break your child trying to make him perfect- this won’t happen anyway, and the relationship will be ruined.

Don't assume that because you're an adult you know for sure what's right. In relationships with a teenager there cannot be a ready-made pattern of behavior - they are unpredictable and everyone is very different. If you really want to achieve mutual understanding, talk to him more, read psychological literature on the topics you need, do not hesitate to visit a psychologist several times to get the necessary recommendations. All this will help you achieve what you want.

Family Code

An interesting way to find mutual understanding in your family can be your family code that you will develop collectively. It can be beautifully decorated and hung somewhere in a prominent place. In this code, it is important to explain to the child that you are not robots, but people just like him. That your parenting experience is not comprehensive, and there is also a lot that you still don’t know.

The main rules in the code should be mutual support, understanding, the ability to listen and not be afraid to express all your fears and concerns. Gain experience together, exchange opinions on this or that issue. Be grateful to each other for all the good things you do for each other. Don't dwell on the bad. By listening to each other, you may learn a lot of new and useful things from each other. Do not hesitate to listen to your child or consult with him - he also has something to give you.

For family well-being You don’t need much - just love and mutual understanding. That's the whole secret of success.

I am 42 years old, I have a pedagogical education, I am married. We have two children, an adult daughter, 21 years old, a son 13. Problems with my son in terms of communicating with peers, and in general with people. He is in the 7th grade, he has no friends !IN elementary school there was a boy with whom he communicated: he went for a walk occasionally (the initiator was the boy), visited each other, played computer games... But from the 5th grade he was all alone. The boy Dima, with whom he communicated, moved to another school, stopped visiting him, although he still lives there well, son the first one does not make contact. So he has been alone since the 5th grade! Alone in general! Every year he becomes more and more withdrawn. He never wanted to invite anyone to his birthday, although we were not against it, we even suggested! He began to hide in in the literal sense of the word: he puts on “tight” clothes, it’s hot in the summer, and he gets so dressed up that it’s scary, he constantly closes the doors to the room, doesn’t walk, but sneaks, the main thing is so that he won’t be noticed, speaks quietly, indistinctly, even to us, with family, doesn’t want to make contact. It seems to me that it started with him, and then it got worse after surgery on the bones of his right hand! This happened at the end of 1st grade. He needed to take care of his hand, it was impossible to allow a fracture, so he began to stand away from everyone, and even his vision began to deteriorate with terrible force, he was embarrassed to put on glasses, but his vision was poor (-5!). We turned to psychologists, they answered that there was nothing wrong, he had not yet found the person he needed. Try to attract him for school work, celebrate his success, instill confidence. And at home, also celebrate his importance! The boy is not stupid, reads, knows a lot of interesting things, has a good memory, although he studies at 3-4, is lazy, or there is no desire, but mathematics in general 2-3. Everything is fine in appearance, he takes care of himself. Independent: he cleans up after himself and cooks, likes to follow instructions. Fulfills instructions and requests. In principle, obedient. They communicate with their sister in different ways, and peacefully , and they conflict, but they worry about each other, worry! We try not to get into his soul too much, we watch from the side, we don’t bother, but we don’t let him go by chance, basically I try to ask him about his pressing problems. Sometimes he’ll tell me something , but mostly he doesn’t want to, especially about school and classmates. But he will never say that there is something wrong with him, that he has a problem. The father briefly asks: “How are you?” The answer is always: “Fine.” Dad tries involve him in “manly” affairs: sawing off, moving, moving, unscrewing, pinning... The whole family likes to ski, spend holidays, help grandparents at the dacha, go on vacation... Yes, my son also really likes to communicate with little niece, 5 years old, angry, furious... But nevertheless, there is a problem! What are we doing wrong? We really want to help the guy!

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Elena! You voice your desire to help your son. I can say one thing (about helping any person) that help lies in accepting him with all his “problems”.

Accepting means being on his wavelength, tuning in to it. And God himself ordered you, because this is your son.

See what you can do. You write that your son has no friends. Call it a problem. His problem. But that's not true. It is not he who calls this a problem, but you, therefore, you yourself understand whose problem it is. Otherwise, the boy would have suffered and would have voiced it himself ( in different ways) her.

You understand correctly possible reason the beginning of the formation of such behavior. It is quite possible that it stems from that incident with the hand. I don’t know what attitudes of yours contributed to such development, but they did not pass without a trace for him.

But this is not even so important now. Right now your son is going through a rather difficult adolescence. Yes, you yourself probably note this, because you are a teacher. I don’t think you should talk about all the “troubles” of this age. I'll tell you the main thing. And the main thing now for your son is to support him in his development as a person. Today the foundations are laid for what your son will become in the future.

All that is required of you now is to accept all his “problems” in the form of a lack of friends, a strange wardrobe, and his isolation. Do not hint in any way that you want to “help” him and fix him.

How to do it. It’s both difficult and easy at the same time. Here your parental love will come to your aid. Love without conditions, love just like that, for the fact that it is your child. Moreover! You can learn a lot from him. Tune in to his wavelength, take a closer look at him, and I’m sure you will find a lot of good things in your son that will surprise you. He's just different. He is a separate person, like everyone else in this world.

Get out of the box where everything should be this way and not that way. Understand that now he needs this kind of “solitude”. And the more you hint to him that this is bad, the more you risk that your son will not be able to get out of it at all.

One more piece of advice will help you. Don't try to compare your son to anyone. And even with yourself. And everything will work out for you.

I wish you all the best!

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A common reason for teenagers seeking advice from a psychologist is alienation from parents, the child withdraws into himself. This causes concern because there is something going on in a child's life that adults have no idea about. Parents are willing to invest time and effort into restoring contact. Often they cope with the task on their own, but in some cases, consultation with a psychologist for the child and parents is simply vital in order to restore the relationship.

Why does a child withdraw into himself?

The desire to communicate is natural for teenagers. As a rule, they easily make new friends, arrange social gatherings, and come up with common entertainment. Even getting into new team, many children adapt without problems.

But the desire to be left completely alone is an alarming signal. This means that the child suffers from increased emotionality, low self-esteem, aggression or shyness.

The reasons for isolation can be anything - from psychological or physical violence to some family member. A confidential conversation with your child will help you figure this out. If he is not ready to open up, you should contact.

In what forms can isolation be expressed?

The very concept of “closedness” means that a person encloses himself in a certain framework and protects himself from communication with other people. This condition is accompanied by one or more symptoms:

Silence. People are different: some communicate more, others less. Everyone has their own habits and manners. If the child has become less sociable, much less sociable, has become silent more often, answers questions briefly and in monosyllables, and does not enter into dialogues unless absolutely necessary, this is worth paying attention to. It makes sense to sign up for a psychological consultation with your child.
Stealth. Not every person (regardless of age) strives to talk about themselves. Some people are so secretive, so rarely show emotion, that they seem incapable of empathy. Perhaps the fact that the child does not share information with others would not be so bad if not for one “but”. Children and adolescents themselves may experience fear. They cannot overcome the barrier and tell their parents about their experiences, although they really need it.
Aggression. By limiting communication, the child feels the need for it and suffers. He can express his unsatisfied desires in an aggressive form - rudeness, lack of restraint, ill will, the desire to break, destroy things, beat peers. The child begins to hate the world for its indifference to it. For such children and teenagers psychological assistance definitely needed.
Fear. Most danger sign, which a withdrawn child may exhibit is fear. He is able to completely take over a teenager and often pushes him to inappropriate actions. Their reactions to any stimuli become unpredictable. Small children may hide or cry. In such cases, the child needs the help of a psychologist.

When do children need psychological help?

If you notice one or more of the signs listed above, try: walk more, do homework together, communicate. Don't criticize or scold your child or teenager for their "strange" reactions. Try to understand what motives drive him.

Remember, “time-tested” harsh methods - punishments or lectures - will not help you. The best thing you can do is to become a true, reliable friend to your child. Try to understand and accept his hobbies, music, friends (unless, of course, we are talking about “bad company” where drinking or smoking is common).

If you see that you can't cope, don't panic and don't blame yourself. Contact our psychological center. We will help you understand the reasons for the isolation of a child or teenager. Competent child psychological help is exactly what is needed to establish harmonious relationships.

Our phone numbers are on the website. Just call and schedule a consultation!

Nowadays, when technological progress often replaces people's communication in real life, the problem of isolation in children is becoming more and more acute. Kids see that their parents only need a short telephone conversation, and in the evenings all family members go to their own corners and sit in front of the TV, with a tablet in their hands, or at the computer. What conclusion should the child draw? That’s right, the child subconsciously becomes convinced that communication is not such a necessary thing for life.

The inability and fear of making contacts can then have a bad impact on his adult life, and the little man will need to get a profession, fall in love, start a family, make friends in the end...

In addition, a withdrawn, shy child reacts very painfully to non-standard life situations. And, as you and I know, there will be many more. Undefeated isolation in childhood often becomes the cause of a serious inferiority complex.

The task of parents is to help an introverted child fall in love. the world around us. But what exactly should you do?

What is it?

Isolation is not a disease. This defense mechanism, with the help of which the child tries to protect his inner world from dangers coming from the external world.

Closedness is very rarely inherited; it is usually an acquired character trait. The baby becomes closed under the influence external factors– methods of education, family situation, conflicts at school or in kindergarten.

Some neonatologists are inclined to believe that the cause of isolation is a consequence of premature pregnancy. Born ahead of schedule As you know, babies are isolated in separate intensive care units, and the babies spend the first days of their lives without their mother. They are deprived of communication.

Psychologists often say that isolation is formed at the age of 1 year.

First of all, parents need to learn to distinguish isolation from shyness. They are often confused. Both overly shy guys and reserved ones react almost identically to many factors:

They are wary of strangers and unfamiliar people.
They perceive any cardinal changes in their usual way of life painfully.
They are restless and subject to frequent mood swings.

So what is the difference between them? A shy child, despite everything, strives for communication, and is very worried when it does not work out. A withdrawn child does not communicate because he does not know how, why and for what purpose. He practically does not feel the need to communicate at all. A shy child needs to be taught how to organize communication, and a withdrawn child needs to be motivated to communicate. Until he himself wants to come into contact with the world around him, even an army of psychologists cannot do this for him.

A shy child, unlike a withdrawn one, wants communication and strives for it, but worries when something doesn’t work out the way he would like.

So how to recognize a withdrawn child?

Symptoms

The child speaks little or not at all. If he deigns to address someone verbally, he does so in a quiet voice or even in a whisper.
The baby does not adapt well to the new team (this may be kindergarten, section, playground near the house where other people’s children play every day). In such places, your child tries to stay away and be a mute observer.
The child practically does not express personal opinions. Prefers to agree with the opinion of the majority or generally refrains from making judgments.
The child has no friends or very few of them, and communication with them occurs extremely rarely.
At the baby's strange hobby. Or he persistently asks to get him not a kitten or a puppy, as other children do, but some exotic creature - a snake, a chameleon, an iguana, insects.
The child has learning difficulties, especially in those areas of knowledge where communication skills are required - oral subjects, creative clubs.
The child is extremely tearful. He reacts to any incomprehensible situation with burning tears.

Introverted children have a harder time adapting to a new team

Introverted children may have learning problems because they do not know how to work in a team

Closedness also has manifestations in physical level. Such children are distinguished by shallow and frequent breathing, and gesticulate little. Closed-off guys often keep their hands behind their backs or in their pockets. Often, withdrawn children have stomach pain, and there are no serious medical reasons for the pain. And the called doctor usually throws up his hands: “On nerves!”

So why do children become withdrawn?

Reasons

Disease. Some diseases affect psychological state child. Frequently ill children are also at risk. They may become withdrawn because they spend a lot of time at home and do not attend school or kindergarten.
Temperament. If your child is phlegmatic, a certain amount of isolation is his innate trait. You won't achieve anything here with correction.
Lack of communication and attention. If the child is the only one in the family or the parents devote too little time to the baby.
Strictness of parents. Excessive demands suppress the baby’s initiative; he may begin to feel unwanted, unaccepted, and as a result, the baby withdraws.
Severe psychological trauma. A child may go into voluntary psychological isolation from the outside world after severe stress. For example, he lost one of his family members, his parents divorced, his loved ones are sick or often loudly argue in front of the child.
Constant dissatisfaction of parents with the actions and words of the baby. Either he eats too slowly, then he takes a long time to get dressed, or he makes loud noise. Constantly pulling back makes the child nervous and unsure of his actions. As a result, he may become isolated.
Private physical punishment, especially if it is disproportionate to the offense and is harsh and cruel.

Children who are often sick and find themselves without communication with their peers may also become withdrawn

Define the real reason The isolation of a child is always more difficult for someone who is often near the baby. Big things, as you know, are seen from a distance, so it makes sense for parents to seek help from a psychologist. The specialist will characterize the degree of isolation of the toddler and help establish contact between the child and others and suggest ways to correct behavior.

What should parents do?

Act. And immediately.

Expand your child's social circle. Take him to kindergarten, to the playground, to the park, to the zoo. Where there are always a lot of other children. Naturally, he will not immediately begin to communicate with them, let him stand aside for some time. Gradually, if everything happens without pressure, he will begin to take part in general games and talk with new friends.
Provide your child with tactile contact. When talking with strangers or being in new, unfamiliar places for your child, always hold his hand. Introverted children desperately need a sense of security. Hug your baby often at home. Learn how to do a light relaxing massage and give it to your child before bed.
Teach your child to express feelings in words. If he's sitting by the window alone again, don't ignore it. Be sure to ask your little one leading questions: “Are you sad?”, “Are you sad because it’s raining outside?”, “When it’s over, will you feel happier?” Invite your child to “replace” negative emotions. During a period of sadness due to rainy weather invite him to draw together or watch cartoons. Be sure to discuss with him what you will do.
Create situations where communication is necessary. For example, ask him to take a package of sweets from the store and ask the cashier for its cost. He wants these sweets, but you pretend that you don’t know how much to pay for them. I'm sure the baby will overcome himself and be able to ask a question to a stranger. If not, then the child is not ready yet. Don't rush him. Create a similar situation in a week.
Read fairy tales to your child that contain a lot of dialogue between the characters.
In corrective games, give preference to those that require communication.
Frequently ask your child’s opinion on certain family issues: What to cook for dinner? Where to go on the weekend?
Invite guests to your home. It's better if it's someone you know with children.

A withdrawn child should read more often fairy tales that contain dialogue between the characters.

If your child is withdrawn, invite guests into the house more often, especially with young children.

A withdrawn child simply needs tactile contact with a parent, especially in a new environment

You can find out how to behave if your child is withdrawn by watching the following video.

Play therapy

Correcting behavior through games is an effective and very simple method and does not require specific knowledge and skills. You can treat a child with the help of play both within the family and in children's team. Games for withdrawn children are especially effective. preschool age(5-6 years old). They correct communication problems quite quickly.

"Creating a fairy tale"

Participants should be divided into pairs. Each “two” must mold a non-existent fantastic animal from plasticine. In the middle of the process, the game stops and the pairs of participants change places. Now their task is to complete the creature that other players have conceived. Upon completion creative competition the guys tell us who they came up with, what character it is, what he can do, what he eats, where he lives.

In addition, it will also be useful for sociable children as a means of preventing psychological disorders.

Ask your child to draw himself, but many years later. Look carefully at the picture - you can understand a lot from the drawing of a withdrawn baby:

If he portrays his figure as very small and is not the youngest in the family, this indicates a lack of attention and low self-esteem.
If the figure is large and takes up almost the entire sheet, the child is probably spoiled.
If he drew himself and his family, but himself a little far from others, the baby experiences loneliness.
If the figures are small and the child’s pressure on the pencil is strong, this may be a sign higher level anxiety. The baby does not feel safe, he is afraid to be open.

Parents should not despair and believe that there is no way out. Closed and uncommunicative children are not a death sentence. This is the starting point for active action.
Mom and dad should show every day by personal example that communication is interesting, educational, exciting and useful - it helps to solve some problems. They should demonstrate all this to the withdrawn child and tell them what positive feelings communication gives them. Go on a visit, invite guests to your place.
You can't rush the bug. He will choose himself best moment to start communicating with someone. Pushing him and pushing him towards this is the wrong way. This can cause even more withdrawal. The kid will build a real iron curtain, which will be very difficult to lift.
The basis of successful correction is goodwill. If the baby feels it, he will not have problems overcoming difficulties in communication.

You need to behave carefully with a withdrawn child, do not rush him, be friendly and welcoming

In the following video you can find out what to do if your child is uncommunicative and how to help him.

Usually, cheerful, successful teenagers grow up to be just as active. successful people for whom everything is harmonious both in their personal lives and at work. But what if your son or daughter is not interested in anything? How to motivate a child and help him realize that the one who walks can master the road? Rambler/Family provides the opinions of qualified psychologists.

1. Love

Teenage passivity is common. Instead of enjoying life and making new acquaintances, boys and girls withdraw into themselves, everything free time spending within four walls. If you are a parent who is watching with despair a despondent teenager, do not give up, this “disease” can be treated.

“Ask yourself the main question: how did you get to this point? - advises psychologist Viktor Redin. - Yes, yes, exactly you! Because a child who has no interest in life is a child who needs love. Think about whether you are paying enough attention to him? When you're in last time Have you told your son or daughter about your hobbies? When we didn’t talk about his bad grades or his dirty sweater that needed to be washed, but talked as friends?”

Often, it is indifferent parents who are too carried away with their responsibilities that become the cause of children's despondency.

There is a well-known method in psychology called the “green pen”. It is based on the fact that you do not scold the child for his failures, copying the style of the teacher who corrects mistakes with a red pen. On the contrary, you pay attention to what your son or daughter does well (as if you were emphasizing the merits with a green pen).

Try to look at life through the eyes of a teenager. Tell us how, at his age, you ran from class to a school rehearsal music group or how photographs were developed for the first time. This will promote spiritual unity and melt the ice.

2. Make the correct “diagnosis”

Teenagers are usually hyperactive. But we are all different, and we often meet people who are calm, slow and passive by nature. Artem Tolokonin, psychologist, psychotherapist, sexologist, creator and owner of the Center family psychology and psychotherapy, believes that first you need to find out if there is a problem. If passivity is a character trait, then usually parents who are accustomed to a sluggish child do not sound the alarm.

“Even as a child, he was quiet, shy, and preferred to give the initiative to others,” they say in such cases about a passive adult.

Why be surprised then?! Another thing is that such behavior can lead to many problems in the future. Artem Tolokonin notes the presence of certain techniques that, if necessary, will help correct passive behavior in youth.

The alarm should be sounded if the child suddenly suddenly manifests character traits that are not characteristic of him.

3. Look for contact

sad girl at her desk

Problems begin when internal contact between parents and children is lost. What to do? The most important thing here is not to fall into a mentor position and not say, rolling your eyes: “Just look! What have you become? Turn off the computer, go for a walk, chat with friends.” It is important to establish contact with the child. During adolescence, children are still in strong psychological dependence from their parents and are usually ready for dialogue, so establishing friendship will not be so difficult.

Teenagers urgently need love and close psychological contact with their parents. If parental love enough, then the child is confident in himself and is not afraid to actively express himself. Therefore, be careful not to lose contact with your child: talk to him, find general classes, patiently, without lectures or moralizing, explain things that he may not yet understand.

4. Play sports

Alexandra Kitaeva, a child psychologist at the Meditsina clinic, believes that to activate a teenager it is necessary physical activity. It can be any sport you like, martial arts or dancing. Of course, sport is not the only means; constructive communication between family members has not been canceled.

“Many parents do not want to get into the soul of a teenager, fearing to provoke an aggressive reaction with intrusive questions,” comments Alexandra Kitaeva. - And sometimes I say: “Climb!” An aggressive reaction is an awakening of emotions, an attempt to pull the teenager out of a dark dive. After all, the main point of avoiding passivity is to gain pleasure from activity, that is, from life.”

5. Let yourself be understood

Our society has already formed stereotypes: “Activity is good”, “ Active people successful”, “Passivity is a characteristic of the lazy”. They try to put those who stand out from the friendly system of dynamic and productive people on the right path. Proof of this is the shelves in bookstores, which are bursting with psychological guides to the world of success. On the covers of such books, people with a white-toothed smile express an active position with their entire appearance.

But a teenager has a slightly different perception of reality. Children in adolescence experience an identity crisis, rethinking themselves.

“They spend a lot of energy building own painting world, that is, all activity occurs “inside” and may be invisible to an external observer,” says Nadezhda Safyan, a specialist at Gestalt Consulting.

Passivity can be natural if a teenager does not know where and how to realize himself in the future; if he needs time to understand who he is, what he wants, what he is striving for. This is deep inner work and here it is important not to rush, but to give the teenager time. The best solution: have a heart-to-heart talk with your child; find out about his doubts without giving any advice. Let your teen know that searching for their true self is normal, especially at their age.

Unfortunately, many parents and teachers tend to push a slow young man or girl to accept important decisions: choosing a profession, a university to enroll in, a city to live in. In most cases, sudden decisions are regretted. A choice made in haste will not bring joy. Remember: the quieter you drive, the further you will go.

6. Be aware of signs of depression

girl lying on the floor

The most common cause of passivity in conditions big city is depression. “The main signs are a decrease in mood, physical and cognitive activity,” explains child psychologist Clinic "Medicine" Alexander Kitaev. “If these three signs of depression are present in your child’s behavior for a sufficiently long period, this may be a reason to contact a specialist.”

If the child is constantly in bad mood, prefers to lie on the couch all day long, shows no interest in studying, is indifferent to new events - this is the basis for diagnosing a depressive disorder.

The overall picture is completed constant feeling fatigue, depression, melancholy. “When I got up in the morning, I was already tired” - this is the principle used by those who are in the grip of depression.

7. Don’t go overboard with activity.

We are used to thinking that activity is always good. I wonder if there is destructive activity? The answer to this question is positive in the case when, through dynamism, the child tries to drown out internal anxiety.

“For example, so as not to worry strong feelings, the teenager loads himself with vigorous activity. And he doesn’t have time to stop and think and feel,” says Nadezhda Safyan, a specialist at Gestalt Consulting. - Thus, he hides deep feelings both from his parents and from himself. There can also be chaotic activity when a child tries to enroll in different clubs, sports sections, meet different companies - this type activity is quite “adequate”, because a teenager is looking for himself, trying different options activities.

8. Contact a specialist

So, you understand that your child, for one reason or another, has taken a passive position. Should he be helped to change by seeking support from a specialist?

"Need to! - child psychologist Alexandra Kitaeva is sure. - Each case of adolescent passivity is individual and should be considered separately to identify the causes and competent treatment of the condition. Why is it still recommended to consult a specialist? Not all depression can be healed by providing a psychologically favorable atmosphere and a set of psychotherapeutic measures. Endogenous depression, for example, the cause of which is a hereditary-genetic factor, requires drug treatment. What are the dangers of depression in adolescence? The fact is that the desire to live disappears. And it is depression that is most common cause suicide."