The daughter is jealous of her mother's new husband. If a child is jealous of his mother for her new husband

Recently, a women's website told how to help build if the child is still small. When an older child has a stepfather, relationships with him can develop differently. How to wisely turn them in the right direction – this is what today’s article on “Beautiful and Successful” is about.

Child and stepfather: relationships begin with trust

Website website advises be sure to talk to your chosen one about how you see your life together as a threesome. Even before he meets your son or daughter, tell him about him/her - what the child’s character is, what he likes and dislikes, his strengths and weaknesses.

The future stepfather, with whom your child will have to create a relationship from scratch, must definitely hear from you that you consider it unacceptable in education and family life.

If you are dear to this man and he really wants to become your husband, he will try to take into account all your advice regarding the child.

Meeting and beginning of the child’s relationship with the stepfather

The principle of gradualism It also applies here - you cannot immediately introduce into your family life a person with whom your son or daughter was unfamiliar just yesterday, and expect that the child will be comfortable and calm.

Don't try to get through quickly habituation stage a child to him, because with you and this person, too, everything did not develop instantly.

If the child asks you questions about your chosen one (and this is inevitable in the case of older children), do not evade the answer, try to answer as sincerely as possible, say that you love each other and hope to create a strong, friendly family.

Tell your son or daughter about good man your beloved man, what he is interested in and does in life. The information received will contribute to the development of the child’s relationship with the stepfather, because it is also easier for you to get to know and communicate with a person if you already know something about him in advance.

Move from the first meetings of the three of us to joint events- we can go or go somewhere together.

There are a lot of options - from cinema and bowling to hiking and an excursion trip to another city. Focus on your child's preferences, on what he likes - he must see and feel that his opinion is significant for adults.

Stepfather is a friend

Psychologists do not advise men who are starting a family with a woman with a child to go out of their way try to “get into the role of dad.” Especially if the child continues to communicate with his own father.

It is quite enough if your new husband will try to become for the child older friend and mentor, authoritative, intelligent and friendly, to whom you can always turn for help and advice.

Ideally, the relationship with the stepfather will develop into a strong friendship at an older age.

Your task is to create suitable conditions for such a trusting and friendly relationship between the child and the stepfather.

Let in your family with the advent of a new person appear and new family rituals- for example, if your chosen one knows how to ride alpine skiing, let him teach you and your child this for a winter weekend ride together.

You can all ride bikes together, go to the pool, watch family comedies in the evening, or learn English. It’s not so important what exactly you will do, what matters is what it will be bring your family together and enrich you with positive emotions.

Gently push them towards each other - encourage one to seek help and the other to help. If your daughter is not good at math, let her stepfather explain how to solve it. If a son wants to build muscle, let his stepfather teach him how to do push-ups and pull-ups correctly on the horizontal bar.

How to smooth out sharp corners

The right to be strict, demanding and take some educational measures towards the child’s stepfather you have to earn it first.

Therefore, if a child does something wrong, the stepfather can voice his negative attitude towards this, but last word should still remain with the mother.

Be alert and immediately nip any conflicts in the bud.

In order for the relationship with his stepfather to develop normally in the future, he must first gain respect and authority from the child, and not behave in the spirit of “I came, I saw, I punished.”

It’s impossible not to say this: when a stepfather appears in a family, relationshipoften complicated by jealousy.

The child is jealous of your new husband; it seems to him that his mother “has become smaller.” And your husband may be jealous of your child - this is not uncommon and happens even among new fathers, when a baby appears in the family and the wife cannot devote time and attention to her husband as before.

The only solution here- be wise woman who knows how to maintain balance in family relationships, and is generous in showing love and attention. Well, or learn to be like that :)

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The article reveals the causes and main manifestations of childhood jealousy when “ new dad" The signs of childhood jealousy towards a new husband and ways to overcome the difficulties encountered in the form of advice from a psychologist are analyzed.

Unfortunately, more and more often, various difficulties and problems arise in families, which lead to the fact that relations between spouses reach a dead end and there is simply no other way out other than divorce.

In this situation, not only adults experience severe stress, because children experience no less shock, and sometimes suffer much more than their parents.

Later, despite the fact that the first marriage was not successful, often a woman still decides to get married, and then appears new problem– childish jealousy towards a new husband.

The child is jealous of the new husband

So, you find yourself in a situation where a new husband has appeared in the family and, accordingly, a new dad to your child. Why do children begin to be jealous of their mother for her new man, even if he treats both the woman and the children very well?

As soon as the “new dad” appears, the woman finds herself in a rather unfortunate position - she is, as it were, in the line of fire between two competing parties and plays the role of a kind of “buffer”.

As a result, a conflict of loyalty arises, which is typical in situations where a mother supports her child (which can upset her husband) or vice versa, when a woman, as a wife, takes the side of her man. It is then that the child, feeling betrayed, may begin to show jealousy.

In addition, children are afraid that the love, affection and care that is intended for them will go to someone else. But children are selfish by nature, so they don’t like to share what, in their opinion, belongs only to them.

Here it is important to make it clear to the child that mother’s love will remain inviolable, and both the woman and the man should guarantee this.

Reasons

There are many reasons why a child is jealous of a new husband, but there are standard ones that encourage almost all children to display this negative emotional reaction.

The list of typical causes of childhood jealousy includes:

reluctance to accept a new family member, which is usually associated with the child’s deep belief that dad will soon return to them;
fear of losing the love and attention of their mother, because many guys mistakenly think that their mother will stop loving them if she has a man;
childish selfishness, when the baby is accustomed to the fact that only he gets all the best and the mother should not give her attention to anyone else;
the new husband’s negative attitude towards the child, which is not uncommon;
increased demands of the “new pope” and excessive severity;
mother's reluctance to take part in the decision conflict situations between a child and a new husband;
the appearance of a brother or sister - the common child of mother and new husband.

Signs

It is very easy to understand that your child is jealous, because children’s emotions manifest themselves much more clearly and it is not yet very possible to restrain them.

Volitional control begins to actively form only in the youngest school age, and reaches its peak of development in early adolescence - somewhere around 16-18 years old.

A child shows jealousy in different ways, which mainly depends on his age, type of temperament and level of education. But there are standard forms of behavior that make it very easy to determine childhood jealousy and your child’s negative attitude towards the current situation as a whole.

So, to the most characteristic features, by which you can determine that your child is showing jealousy can be attributed to:

crying, hysterics, whims, protests and rebellion that children exhibit (this is typical for children of early and early preschool age);
preschoolers may show isolation, frequent causeless grievances, avoidance of contact and communication with parents and other adults, and in order to attract the attention of mothers they can use negative forms of behavior (wetting, being capricious, boycotting requests, disobeying parents, ignoring prohibitions);
a sharp deterioration in the performance of a junior schoolchild (the diary is covered with comments from the teacher about behavior and bad grades flaunt on its pages, which have never been there before), the child provokes conflicts in the family in such a way that the mother takes his side and tries to irritate the new “dad” ";
open aggression (most often verbal) in adolescents, isolation and secrecy, manifestation of elements of deviant, addictive and delinquent behavior in them.

Stages of accepting a new family member

Be prepared for the fact that before accepting a new dad, the child will most likely go through the following main stages:

Protest. Each age is characterized by different protests, but the goal is the same - to attract additional attention. The manifestation is the following: refusal to attend kindergarten or school, a favorite dish, activity, etc. To find a way out of such a situation, first of all, you should not tell the child what to do and what not to do. It’s better to ask what he wants, think together how to get out of this situation without breaking with early age child's psyche.
Despair. At this stage, the child may not give an entirely adequate reaction to the questions, suggestions, or wishes posed. He perceives everything too painfully, perhaps he does not control himself and therefore often throws hysterics. In this case, your reaction should be calm - do not succumb to the child’s provocation and hug him, despite the fact that he will be capricious, cry, push away and scream. At this moment, emotions are raging in him - from love for you to hatred, but this is exactly how all the negativity accumulated in the child’s soul finds a way out.
Negation. Most often, the manifestation of this stage can be seen in the absolute ignoring of the stepfather. The child requires attention exclusively to himself. It’s important here not to let yourself be manipulated and not to let your child decide who you’d rather be with and how best to behave.
Humility. Any of the above stages usually lasts no more than a month and a half, and acute, critical moments - up to 3 days. Then the child gradually resigns himself, becomes ready to compromise, communicate and accepts the new dad into his family. If this does not happen in your case, it is better to seek help from a specialist.

What to do

It is better to start establishing contact between the child and the stepfather before they begin living together.

The preparation stage is very important, with the help of which the child and the future stepfather can get used to each other, at this time it is advisable to adhere to the following rules:

it is necessary that the mother’s chosen one often visits precisely at the time when the child is at home and awake;
It is important to warn the child about the guest’s visit (this should be done so that he can get ready for the meeting, in addition, this is an elementary manifestation of respect for the youngest member of the family);
over time, when the child gets used to the presence of a new person next to him, you can organize joint leisure activities - a picnic, a hike, a walk in the park, a visit to the circus, skating rink or attraction;
It will be very appropriate to leave the future stepfather and child alone for a while during a joint vacation, because this is the first step towards trust, as well as a wonderful experience in communicating without an intermediary (mother);
After a while, partial resettlement can be practiced, i.e. future husband spends the whole day with you, while staying overnight (this approach helps create a friendly, family atmosphere).

At the stage of meeting your future husband, do not establish new rules, as this will not lead to anything good, because for the child this man is still just a guest in your home.

Mission: earn credibility

The new pope must understand that he must still earn the right to be called that. First of all, he must be an authority in the eyes of the child, and for this not much is needed:

keep the promises made (this will characterize him as a person who keeps his word, so first you should think carefully before promising something);
explain the causes and consequences of certain actions, situations, incidents, because any person, and especially a child, wants to understand the cause-and-effect relationship (this is also necessary to avoid the fact that in a certain situation the child will be at a loss, invent reasons for himself, look for shortcomings at home, will become a withdrawn and self-doubting person);
adhere to the introduced rules and try not to violate them (in order to avoid double standards, because otherwise this will not reflect the most in the best possible way on your baby's future);
be sincerely interested in the child’s life, his experiences, achievements, hobbies, try to be “on the same wavelength” with him, support him in failures and mistakes, motivating him for further successes.

The problem that a child begins to be jealous of his mother for her new husband is already for a long time interests psychologists and psychotherapists who have conducted many different experiments that have given excellent results.

Thanks to the works of experienced psychologists, today there are recommendations regarding the correct behavior of adults in a situation where a child is jealous of his mother and stepfather:

Try to convince your child the fact that the appearance of a new dad in the family is not only in your interests, because for the child he can also become good friend and protector. Show your child that he is not alone, that he has not lost your support and support in the form of you, and that the new husband is not at all an enemy for him.
Under no circumstances force your child Call your new husband daddy if he doesn't want to. It is better that he comes to this himself, without pressure and unnecessary haste.
Don't leave your child alone at a time when you are completely immersed in overwhelming feelings. The more often you spend time with your new husband outside the home or just alone, the more negative the child’s attitude towards his stepfather will be.
During a conflict, try not to take sides. no husband, no child, stay neutral.
It is very important not to dismiss or ignore alarming signals from your child when he tries to convey to you that his stepfather is wrong about something. Naturally, this could be a false alarm (and even a provocation), but it’s definitely worth understanding the situation, otherwise you may later regret your inaction.

Remember, no matter how good your new husband is, you are first and foremost responsible for your child. Your decisions must be thought out and weighed, and actions (neither yours nor your husband’s) should not harm the child in any way.

Video: New dad. How to bring a potential stepfather and child closer together

Jealousy of stepfather

Two years ago, my husband and I separated, and I recently got married again. My child is jealous of my new husband. How can I improve the relationship between my two favorite people?

Even if you try for a moment to put yourself in the child’s place, you can understand how difficult it is for him in a situation when a new “dad” appears in the family. Firstly, dear dad may well be in the access zone, and comparison with the new “dad” is not in favor of the latter. Secondly, mom, who previously loved “only me and dad,” now suddenly also loves some stranger, who is nobody to the child, but now lays claim to his freedom and desires. Thirdly, the child may have other good reasons to be jealous of his beloved mother towards a stranger: for example, the mother actually began to pay more attention to him, and not to the child. Or mom became more strict, trying to show the new “dad” what she is like good mom and what a well-mannered child she has.

In general, there is nothing surprising in the fact that the relationship between the child and the new “dad” is not at all cloudless, and there is nothing surprising in the fact that the child is jealous of his mother and stepfather.

Life story

“My husband and I divorced when Vasya was only two years old, he doesn’t remember his father at all,” says Vasya’s mother. – And a year and a half later I met my current husband, and we recently got married. Now I feel like I'm just a hostage to the situation. On the one hand, there is the husband whom I love (I don’t understand what’s wrong with that if we love each other and live together). On the other hand, my son, who is terribly jealous of my new “dad,” shouts to him: “I hate you, go away! You are nothing to me! and so on. My five-year-old son behaves unbearably, he is capricious and takes offense in response to any remark.

I explain to Vasya that it is better to have a dad than not. But he thinks that the two of us are much better off than the three of us. He really doesn’t want to have a brother or sister, he says that he will drown if one is born. I’m just getting scared - it turned out that I don’t know my own child at all. My husband is very worried, we started quarreling, and it seems to me that Vasya likes it.

What could I be doing wrong?

There is no need to force things. The habituation should be gradual. A child cannot suddenly change his completely beloved father to another person. And even if mother and baby have lived without a father for a long time, the child may resist changing the situation, if only because the usual way of life and the distribution of roles in the family are changing. Therefore, he needs time to accept a new family member. And the new “dad” also needs time to adapt to the baby’s character, gain authority, and get to know his habits and characteristics better. After all, do not forget that the mother loves the new “dad”, and the child, in general, gets to be “in charge” of the mother. And it will be wonderful if in the future the relationship between the child and the stepfather develops smoothly, but, most likely, establishing relationships will require serious effort.

There is no need to demand that the child call his stepfather dad, because this is his personal right, and he himself will decide what to call the man who now lives with him and his mother. You can only offer, but only if you see that the baby is mentally ready for this.

There is no need to pretend that there is no problem in the relationship between the child and the stepfather and wait until it “resolves” itself, because over time the situation may, on the contrary, become more complicated.

It is not necessary immediately after joining new marriage plan a second child if you see that the relationship between the child and the new “dad” is still far from harmonious. Until you regulate the situation, postpone the birth of your second baby, while actively trying to change the situation.

Do not punish your child for such behavior, because, most likely, he behaves this way completely involuntarily. And you can’t change anything with punishment.

What to do?

First of all, let your child know that he is still as dear to you and occupies as much space in your heart and in your life as before. Provide him with evidence of your love and good attitude, spend as much time with him as before your second marriage.

Do not give the child to the grandmother, no matter how good she is, because the child may perceive such “refusals” as a desire to get rid of him, and may feel that he is bothering you.

Tell your baby about your love, each time emphasizing how much you need and value him.

Build the relationship between your child and stepfather gradually. Tell your closest people about each other, find an opportunity to leave them alone so they can chat, invite everyone to go to the sports ground together, go to the park or forest, fishing or football. The child and his new “dad” must have common interests and topics for conversation. Go somewhere together more often, just the three of you, so that the child feels the fullness of his family.

Pay attention to how the stepfather evaluates the child and what he says to him. While he still does not have the right to criticize, much less scold, the child, because your husband has not yet gained authority in the children’s eyes.

When going on vacation, it is better not to leave your child at home, but take it with you. This way the baby will feel that he is not the “third wheel” in your family.

If conflicts still arise between the child and the stepfather, be on guard at all times in order to smooth out the situation in time and defuse the situation.

From the book Woman Plus Man [To Know and Conquer] author Sheinov Viktor Pavlovich

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The arrival of a child in a family is a serious test for both parents and their relationship. When the baby grows a little, from about one year old to five years old, childhood jealousy can be added to all the standard difficulties - towards dad, brothers and sisters, and other relatives. How to behave correctly if a child is fighting for sole ownership of his mother? How to make friends with a jealous little sister, father or stepfather and at the same time maintain affection with his mother?

The reasons why childhood jealousy occurs are few in number - this phenomenon is based on the egocentrism inherent in children, lack of attention and a strong connection with the mother. Children under three years old consider themselves one with their mother, they simply do not know how to share her with someone else, and they perceive other people’s attempts to “take possession” of her as a threat to attachment. The baby loses a sense of comfort and security, gaining anxiety and fear instead.

Children's egocentrism consists of imagining oneself as the center of the universe, the only object of attention and love of others. The child is jealous of his mother for everyone and everything that distracts her from his own person: other family members, friends, books, telephone, work.

As a rule, children's jealousy manifests itself in the form of aggression, whims, changeable whims, and hysterics. A child who can speak reproaches his mother for not loving him and not caring for him. The offspring may become withdrawn, begin to act contrary to adults, and react painfully and negatively to the praise they hear addressed to other people, children and adults.

Normally, active rivalry with other family members passes by the age of five, although, under some circumstances, it can occur later.

Jealousy of father

The situation when small child Mom is jealous of dad; from the point of view of child psychology, it is natural. Children from one and a half to three years old often engage in a serious struggle for sole possession of the person closest to them, who gives love and care.

To assure the baby that he has nothing to be afraid of, his mother will always remain his mother, the following techniques will help:

Jealousy of stepfather

In the event of a divorce and when a new man appears, children are almost always jealous of their mother and stepfather, perceiving this stranger to them extremely painfully and aggressively. On a subconscious level, the child expects his dad to return, and new person acts as a destroyer of established family relations with his mother, “takes” her. The offspring has to take again new reality, adapt, while most often it is not clear to him why this is necessary.

Set up with baby good relationship The following recommendations from psychologists will help a new man:

The new man must accept the baby for who he is, give up trying to “remake” him for himself, break him. Gradually, the child's jealousy will fade away, the child will understand that the stepfather is not a rival. Establishing a life together will take some time, it is important to be consistent, confident and be sincerely interested in establishing full-fledged contact.

Jealousy of other children

Expecting a newborn is a moment when the whole family is focused on pregnancy, preparing for the birth of the future baby, while less attention is paid to the existing child. The child intuitively understands that he has a serious competitor, and there is a serious possibility of being rejected by his parents. When the youngest child is born, the older one experiences serious stress, even if he was prepared for the fact that a second contender will soon appear. mother's love. For a child, the entire way of life literally changes; they have to learn to live in new circumstances, which can lead to frustration, a feeling of loneliness, fear, and anxiety.

Ecology of life. Children: Conflicts between a beloved man and children hurt a woman especially hard. How to behave as a mother...

Conflicts between a beloved man and children hurt a woman especially deeply. A psychologist explains how a mother should behave if her child and new husband cannot find a common language.

Many people are familiar with the expression “Relationships are work,” but for some reason it is most often associated with relationships between a man and a woman. And, for example, a strong and friendly relationship between a stepfather and a child requires no less effort.

In order to choose the right strategy of behavior, the mother first of all needs to assess the “scale of the disaster” - how much the conflict is serious . Does he wear global character when the child and stepfather do not get along at all, or this is a common everyday situation.

©Lisa Visser

Global conflict: causes and solutions

It often happens that the relationship between stepfather and child does not go well from the very beginning. There may be several reasons for this, depending on each of them, and appropriate measures must be taken.

The child is jealous

This is common and quite common reason. The baby’s life is changing, the mother no longer belongs only to him, and the need to share mother’s attention with someone else (someone else’s uncle!) causes a violent protest.

What to do? Try not to dramatically change the child’s living conditions. If he's used to going on weekend walks or playing with you every night, keep those same traditions in your new family life. This will allow the baby to get used to it faster, and at the same time give him a feeling of stability - the mother is the same, all the activities with her have remained unchanged.

Actively include your stepfather in your communication with your child, arrange joint games, but be sure to leave time when you and your child will be alone. And don't forget to tell him often how much you love him.

The child hoped that dad would return

This also happens. Despite the final divorce and determined parents, the children hope to the last that everything will work out. And then some uncle appears who ruins everything and destroys all hopes. How not to start a riot?

What to do? Initially, be honest with your child, do not give him false hopes. Often, protecting children from unnecessary worries, parents give out only part of the information, and the rest remains “behind the scenes.” “Dad will just live separately for now,” “Dad left,” “We quarreled, and that’s why dad went to grandma’s,” such phrases leave a lot of room for children’s imagination.

Tell it like it is. It is not necessary to go into all the dramatic details, but it is necessary to voice how things really are: “Dad and I love you very much, but we got divorced and will no longer live together,” “Dad moved to another apartment and will now live separately, you will visit him or he will come to visit, but we will not live together.” Be frank with your baby! If he understands well what is happening, it will be easier for him to get used to changing conditions.

Stepfather has high expectations

It also happens that it is not the child at all. In general, it is fair to say that The responsibility for building relationships with children lies with adults, which means that with due effort, the mother and stepfather will be able to find a common language with the baby.

Sometimes the stepfather is very actively involved in raising the little one, with all his heart wanting to replace his father. In their good intentions sometimes he goes too far. He also expects reciprocity from the child, and if he doesn’t receive it right away, he begins to be disappointed in him.

What to do? First, again, face the truth. Your new husband is absolutely not obligated to replace the child’s father, especially if the baby continues to communicate with dad. This should be well understood by all participants in the process.

The main task is to ensure that a fairly comfortable relationship develops between the stepfather and the child. They can become very close and warm, really like a father and son, but if it turns out differently, then it’s okay!

It is important that they can find a common language. Therefore, options such as “He scolds him like a father,” especially at the beginning of a relationship, are unlikely to work. Agree with your husband that you will solve all the difficult moments together, let him consult with you on what is the right thing to do, because you know your child much better!

Help your husband and child come up with interesting things to do together: maybe the stepfather will teach his son or daughter how to take pictures or ride a bike - let them have their own time to spend together. This way the stepfather will feel his own importance (he TEACHES THE CHILD!), and the baby will understand that he is loved. If they are interested in each other, all acute situations will proceed more smoothly.

You need to understand that a man and a woman have different functions, so both must raise a child.

Mom function- acceptance, she loves the child in any way.
Male function another: men give boundaries, boundaries and discipline. Let the child and stepfather learn to communicate and find a common language together.

Simple everyday conflict

If you see that in general the relationship between the husband and the child is going well, but from time to time they make some claims against each other, then you can safely not turn on- Observe, give them the opportunity to come to an agreement themselves. If the problem is that the child did not put away scattered toys or the stepfather forgot to buy the promised chocolate, then most likely they themselves will be able to find a solution to these problems.

When should you turn on? If the degree of conflict is growing, and because of a trivial reason everyone loses their temper, the husband breaks into a scream, and the child is ready to burst into tears, the time has come for your participation. Perhaps one of them is tired, irritated or simply out of sorts, so they just can’t come to an agreement. Help them find a compromise solution or suggest that they take a break and calm down, and only then return to discussing the problem with a cool head. published