Bullying at school, what should a child do? Parents against bullying: what to do if your child is being bullied at school

AiF.ru spoke with experts and participants in school conflicts to understand what to do if a child has become a victim of bullying, and how to overcome bullying.

Desperate to sort things out “in an amicable way,” the father of a student at one of the Chelyabinsk schools decided to talk to his son’s offender “like a man.” He came to educational institution and beat an eleven-year-old child who did not allow his son to pass. A criminal case has been opened against the man. The parents of the beaten teenager wrote a statement to law enforcement agencies and took the documents from the school.

"Learn to put in place"

Bullying (from English bullying) is bullying, aggressive persecution of one of the team members. Almost every schoolchild faces this: someone was a victim, and someone was a witness to humiliation and beatings of a peer.

“I was a victim of bullying from 6th to 9th grade,” recalls Chelyabinsk resident Victoria. — She differed from her peers in that she weighed under 70 kg. So what if I'm fat? I'm still perplexed. But children are the most evil of people. Therefore, they constantly pestered me: they called me a fat-meat factory, during physical education they stood in a row next to a goat and laughed while I jumped over it (and, by the way, I jumped), pulled my hair and humiliated me in every possible way. Sitting at a desk with me was considered shameful. I didn't have any friends in the class. One girl sometimes tried to talk to me and called home on the phone. She and I did homework together. But then I realized that this is what she needed from me: to copy off her homework. And she was friends with me while no one saw. The teachers pretended that nothing was happening. They all didn't care about me."

Victoria suffered humiliation, and then decided to put her classmates in their place. Not to swallow grievances, but to take revenge on everyone to the end: she complained intensely to the teachers, and demanded that the offender be punished, brought her parents to school so that they could talk with classmates, stopped cheating in class, and herself received better grades. Gradually they began to lag behind her: now they were afraid of her, although, perhaps, they continued to hate her.

“It all ended when I graduated from school and entered technical school,” Vika confesses. “There were smarter and more well-mannered children here.” That’s why I look back on those years now and want to say to all the victims of bullying: it will end as soon as you graduate from your damn schools.”

Bullying is a worldwide phenomenon. Photo: Wikipedia

Poisons alone, but he seems omnipotent

Chelyabinsk psychologist Victoria Nagornaya I’m sure that the whole world is against you, as it seems to the victim, almost never happens. Well, maybe in the movie “Scarecrow”. The more modest or weaker ones are bullied, as a rule, by one or two people or a group of friends. And none of his classmates stand up, so the child thinks that the whole world is against him. This is the worst thing: children are afraid to go against a group of usurpers, as a rule, from dysfunctional families or with difficult characters. They poison the lives of those who are different: in appearance, have a physical defect, stutter, and so on. The “flock” does not give life to one or two classmates, disrupts classes, and is rude to teachers.

“The attention of teachers is very important here,” says the psychologist. “It is in the hands of the teacher that the opportunity to reconcile children is to make them think together and not against each other.” I studied the work of one teacher from St. Petersburg, who introduced such joint games for children, so occupied their leisure time that everyone in this class forgot about bullying. They went to theaters and cinema together, sat at desks based on their interests, but the offender was forced to admit that the victim was somehow better than him, and involuntarily began to respect this child. For some reason, the work of class teachers in this direction is usually discounted. I think this is fundamentally wrong.”

“I wanted to kill”

Maxim from Yuzhnouralsk recalls how a couple of years ago he became the object of ridicule from his ex-friend and a neighbor at the desk. After breaking his leg, the boy, previously an athlete and school champion, became downright weak in physical education classes. A friend dubbed him a weakling and got into the habit of pushing him and slapping him, taking advantage of the fact that Maxim would not catch up.

“It was unbearable,” the eleventh-grader now recalls, “I wanted to kill them, these brutes, Dimon and his minions. The only thing that helped me was fight club. As soon as my leg returned to normal, I signed up for the wrestling section. Dimon flew down the stairs from my blow, like a migratory bird. This (from the first time he fought back) ended all the bullying.”

According to Maxim, Dmitry was an uncontrollable child. He did not obey either the teachers or the director. Insolent from impunity, he was rude to them and laughed in their faces. The boy quickly realized that the Education Law was on his side. In order to expel a child from school, you need to make a lot, a lot of effort. In particular, no collective letters from parents and classmates will help: compulsory education in Russia. Only a student over 15 years of age who has completed 9 grades, or a serious offender, can be expelled. Some schools have classes for children with deviant behavior, but not all.

“I had to have a tantrum in the office”

Svetlana from Volgograd also faced bullying. Her ten-year-old son was bullied by his classmates.

“My son was constantly under psychological pressure. No, they didn’t beat him, but they constantly humiliated him psychologically,” she says. “He didn’t always talk about what was happening to him at school. But when I began to question in detail, it turned out that a group of classmates, the leader of which, so to speak, was the largest boy from the parallel, constantly took food from my son. They took money, threw personal belongings, gave my son offensive nicknames.”

First of all, Svetlana turned to the class teacher and wrote a report addressed to her. But the appeal had no effect. The humiliation continued. The woman went to the director.

“He started mumbling something incomprehensible to me in response like: “You understand, they are from bad family. Why didn't you apply earlier? Where were you looking?“ But what difference does it make, why didn’t you contact me earlier? I came to you now, solve my problem!” — the Volgograd resident is indignant.

Svetlana says that she tried to talk to the parents of the offenders. Some were cooperative, while others simply did not respond to her appeals.

“I realized that my son had nothing to do in this class, and transferred him to another. It wasn't easy. The director dodged it in every possible way. He said that there were no places in other classes, that it was difficult for him to rewrite the tariff rates for teachers. I literally had to go hysterical in his office,” the Volgograd resident confesses. “In the end, my son was transferred. He's doing well now. In the new class, food is not taken away from him or called names. He made new friends, and in general he has smooth and calm relations with his classmates. Of course, he sometimes meets during breaks those with whom he studied earlier. He says they call him a traitor. But the fact that he has become more comfortable studying is a fact.”

“The basis of bullying is always violence. It is this definition that concretizes the problem and does not allow it to be talked about, transferring what is happening in the classroom into the plane of a banal conflict, he believes psychologist Natalya Uskova. - At this point, it is important for parents not to lose composure, to clarify the situation, to collect specific facts, not to evaluate the child’s behavior, but to fully support and be on his side. After all, bullying is a disease that infects the entire class. In addition to the victim and the aggressor, there are also retinues and observers. Children themselves cannot stop or get out of a destructive situation. Adults needed. In this regard, it is important for parents to immediately stop bullying by making the problem public, attracting attention class teacher, parents, school psychologist, administration. Therefore, if you encounter a problem being “shared out” within the school, go into the regulatory regime, involving the department, the police, and the media. As a rule, the good old “statement clerk” quickly forces everyone to take an adult position and act in accordance with their responsibilities. Without acting, adults write indulgences for violence in children's team. The consequences are not hard to imagine.”

If a child studies well, he can also be bullied for this. Photo: pixabay.com

What to do?

Bullying has become so widespread that it was brought to the attention of the Presidential Human Rights Council. A number of measures have been developed to eliminate bullying. Among them are, for example, the following: through the Internet, make sure that bullying is considered a shameful model of behavior. Children who stand up for victims of bullying should be seen as heroes. It is necessary to organize helplines for victims of bullying, who can use code words when talking to operators. All these measures are still only in plans and on paper.

“The problem of bullying children in schools by their peers has a very long history and is acute in almost all countries,” AiF.ru reported. Evgeniy Korchago, lawyer and human rights activist, council member. “Therefore, proposals for developing a concept to combat bullying are necessary and timely. However, due to the high latency of the problem and the complexity of its solution, there is a danger of turning this good idea into sociability and formality in the pursuit of statistical indicators. To counteract bullying, it is necessary to cultivate a healthy psychological climate among students with maximum involvement of the teacher in the extracurricular life of the class. Only teachers with great authority among their students will be able to create effective mechanisms for identifying and preventing bullying.”

However, the lawyer asks you to pay attention to a number of points. Firstly, an ordinary quarrel between classmates and bullying should be distinguished. Secondly, under no circumstances should you commit lynching, like the father of a Chelyabinsk schoolboy. The man is facing criminal punishment up to imprisonment.

“Of course, it’s impossible to keep quiet about bullying,” the lawyer advises. — Parents need to contact their class teacher or school principal. If this does not have any effect, contact the department, committee, Ministry of Education, prosecutor's office, police. Few people remember that children can be in the period of decision school problems translated to homeschooling. If necessary, you can change classes or schools, but this is not always necessary.”

“It’s very important here not to get depressed,” seventeen-year-old Maxim gives simple advice to victims of bullying. “I was also a scapegoat.” I read on the Internet that they were also attacked George Clooney, and my idol David Beckham , and beauty Julia Roberts . So I was in some great company. And he concluded: if you are nobody, they don’t pay attention to you. If you are the best, they attack out of simple envy.”

School bullying is forever. It happens in any country, at any time. And parents always find themselves helpless in front of her. And the only advice they can give to the child is “give back.” Or “you need to be able to stand up for yourself.” The advice is not always feasible. What to do?

Word by word

School bullying is not a problem of a child who does not know how to “stand up for himself.” Of course, children always test the boundaries: what can be done with you, what cannot be done. Children study other children's reactions to provocation, looking for buttons that can be pressed to provoke an emotional reaction - and someone who reacts emotionally can easily become a victim of bullying. Therefore - of course, everyone the child must be taught to recognize manipulation and not succumb to provocations, parry, relieve tension with a joke...

In our childhood, everyone who went through kindergarten, it seems, from a wordless age, the ability to respond to a word with a word was brought up - and not to go into your pocket for a word.

At first, children’s harassment and annoying teasing are dealt with in this way: we teach the child not to react, not to get into fights for insignificant reasons, not to show anyone “where his button is,” not to present his vulnerabilities. To ignore something, to laugh it off somewhere, to put the offender in a funny position - in words, all in words! At this stage, going into battle and “fighting back” is a bad idea: you are demonstrating your button to the whole world (and they will press it at every opportunity) - and the one who first went into hand-to-hand combat is always the one to blame. Here, the correct parental behavior is not to incite a fight, but to teach how to quickly and cheerfully parry. Situations are usually typical, and the simplest home preparations help.

Both the hat and the folder

Unfortunately, everything is not always limited to words. The next stage of bullying is an attack on things: taking away a hat, drawing or throwing away a notebook, playing football with the victim’s backpack - this is no longer funny. This is already material losses for the family - and ordeal for a child.

And it is very difficult for a child to choose the right position here. In general, she is not here. If you rush into battle for your things, you lose: you showed where your button is. If you don’t protect them, you lose: this can be repeated ad infinitum.

Children usually do not tell their parents what is happening. Complaining to adults is socially unapproved behavior. If in our childhood we could still be teased as a “snitch-sniffer”, now we will immediately be labeled as a “snitch”. You need to talk to your child about the difference between “snitching”, “denunciation”, “snitching” and seeking help in a situation where you really can’t cope: these are not such simple concepts even for an adult.

You can understand that something wrong is happening by the fact that the child often loses things or brings them dirty and wrinkled. A typical parental mistake is to scold him for being careless. Having received such a reprimand, the child will withdraw and will definitely not tell anything. Much it’s better when a child can calmly tell his parents what’s happening to him, without fear of being dragged. Then it is already possible to help him, and the school can be involved. And we need to involve her now - without waiting for the offenders to move on from damaging things to physical abuse.

Don't touch

The third stage of bullying is beating. Then it’s completely dark: not just physical impact, but humiliating impact: taking off your pants, dunking your head in the toilet, forcing you to have sexual contact or imitate it - sometimes all this is still filmed and posted on the Internet. The sooner parents understand what is happening to the child, the sooner they intervene, the easier it is to help him, the less destructive the consequences.

This is why you need to talk to your child. Do not judge, do not grade him for his behavior - but simply understand how he lives, what is happening in his life. It is very important that the child trusts his family and understands that they will not ruin everything with their interference, but will help. Psychologists advise warn your child that you are going to school talk about his problems– so that it doesn’t become an unpleasant surprise for him after the fact.

If this milestone has already been passed, if a child is subjected to beatings and humiliation, he must need to find professional help.

How to distinguish ordinary children's fights from bullying?

In a bullying situation, the victim who is being bullied is, for some reason, unable to defend himself or respond. These reasons can be very different: sometimes the child is physically weaker. Sometimes he is afraid. Sometimes you just can’t hurt another person, and that happens. Sometimes even professional martial artists find themselves in this situation, for whom the code of honor does not tell them to use martial art against non-professionals.

In such cases, perhaps It makes sense to discuss with your child following topics :

- no one has the right to touch you without your permission;

- no one has the right to hurt you;

- you have the right to defend yourself;

- if you are attacked, warn: you are hurting me (one), you are hurting me, stop (two), stop, or I will hit you (three) - except in cases of threat irreparable harm health or life;

- if the child still thinks that he cannot hit, it is worth discussing non-violent defense measures (go to a safe place, attract general attention to what is happening, immobilize the offender and restrain him, etc.);

- Do not exceed the measure of self-defense and cause serious harm to the enemy.

If the forces are unequal, and the child finds himself alone against several people, adults must intervene. A child should not be left alone with a problem that he cannot solve..

What if it's a teacher?

Unfortunately, as a rule, it is not possible to solve the problem through individual efforts. In order to solve the problem, teachers' efforts are required. Numerous studies* show that the lower the level of bullying in school, the higher the willingness of teachers to intervene in school conflicts and prevent bullying. Other studies** show that bullying rates are higher in schools where a significant proportion of students lack serious internal resources and does not feel safe (internal resources usually mean self-confidence, personal integrity and good health - regardless of society).

The teacher himself can become the initiator of bullying.. This usually occurs when he is unable to deal with a classroom situation through traditional disciplinary measures. American psychiatrist Stuart Twemlow, director of the “Peaceful Schools and Neighborhoods” project at the Menninger Clinic (Houston, Texas), studied the phenomenon of teacher bullying (bullying is the use of power to punish, manipulate, humiliate a student, going beyond the normal process establishing discipline in the classroom). He concluded that bullying as a classroom management technique was often used by teachers who were themselves bullied as children. As Twemlow's co-author Peter Fonagy writes, "If your childhood experiences lead you to expect that people don't understand words but only respond to force, you run the risk of recreating that situation in your classroom." In addition, teachers who are exhausted by other problems - the behavior of their own children, divorce, a serious illness of a relative - can behave this way and simply release tension in the classroom.

Twemlow distinguishes two categories of teachers: “sadists” (those who take pleasure in humiliating a student; there are relatively few of them) and “offender-victims.” Bully-victims are usually passive teachers who allow the class to get out of control and react with rage and insults. Such teachers do not know how to set boundaries in the classroom and often complain to the principal because they prefer others to solve their problems. The first category is simply unsuitable for the profession - they should not work at school. And the latter can benefit from advanced training on the topic “how to maintain discipline in the classroom.”

How can you tell if a child is being bullied by a teacher?

Children, especially younger ones, may believe that such an attitude of adults towards a child is in the order of things. Then they don't complain to their parents. They may complain about something completely different: headaches and abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting, nightmares. Such children may throw tantrums before going to school or refuse to leave the house at all. Their interest in learning completely declines. Parents may notice changes in their behavior and mood swings. You especially need to pay attention to self-deprecating remarks (“I’m stupid”, “nothing will ever work out for me”), complaints that the teacher does not like him, clings to him, shouts, and is rude in class. The younger the children, the less they complain about the teacher and the more they complain about feeling unwell: this may be due to the fact that they still cannot clearly express in words what worries them.

Photo: www.irishmirror.ie

What to do?

Clinical social worker Caitlin Carousen from New Jersey:

Firstly, you need to learn to speak frankly with your child and not assume that he is exaggerating and making up everything because he is lazy to study. It is necessary to create an atmosphere at home in which open conversation is possible so that the child feels confident. You can suggest talking every day about the best that happened and the worst. You can share with your child how your day went.

Important teach your child to recognize what bullying is– if he understands that this is not normal, he is more likely to tell his parents that something bad is happening at school.

Very important - control your own emotions. Most likely, the understanding that a child is being bullied will cause indignation, rage and bloodlust in the parent. But an emotional outburst from a parent can cause severe stress for a child and make him withdraw even more.

If a child is being bullied, he doesn’t really want to talk about it: he’s ashamed. We need to tell him that this is normal. You might say, “When we find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation, we often don't want to talk about it,” or “Sometimes children don't want to go to school because they are bullied. If this is happening to you or any of your friends, I would like to know about it.”

The child definitely needs help - especially if he refuses to discuss the situation. In this case, he needs a qualified psychologist.

Talking to the teacher

When you go to talk to the teacher - don't start with accusations: The child may have misinterpreted the teacher's words or behavior. Try to understand exactly what happened. It's best to start with polite questions like, “My child says you don't love him. What do you think influenced this? Give the teacher an opportunity to explain his position.. Perhaps the child has some problems with discipline; This does not justify bullying, but it does shed light on the situation. Ask your teacher for advice on how to solve this problem.

Explain to the teacher what disciplinary measures work with your child., and which ones are not. For example, “my child understands much better when it is explained to him that he is wrong, one on one, and not in front of the whole class.”

If the teacher's actions are completely unacceptable(for example, public humiliation or assault), required you need to contact the administration. Report this to your teacher. You can immediately contact the director with a written statement and refer to the rules of the law.

In Russia this is the Education Law:

- Art. 34, paragraph 1, paragraphs. 9 – guarantee of respect for the human dignity of students, prevention of physical and mental violence, personal insults, guarantee of the protection of life and health;

- Art. 41, paragraph 8 – guarantee of the safety of students at school;

- Art. 28, paragraphs 6 and 7 – a requirement for the safety of students and respect for their rights, a statement of the school’s responsibility for fulfilling these requirements.

Take notes about the conversation that took place, keep copies of all requests to the administration - both written and electronic. Be sure to date the recordings of conversations and statements, and record as many details as possible. Refrain from assessments and interpretations, limit yourself to the facts.

Include direct quotes from your child’s speech, testimonies from other people, and your own observations (for example, “at home, the child is crying before going to school, screaming that he “hates himself” and that “he will never go to this school”; if the child does not tell about bullying, describe what you observe).

Makes sense talk to other parents and find out what their children say and what they themselves think. These conversations are also worth recording: numerous complaints are more serious than isolated ones.

The child especially needs parental support during this difficult time.. Experts advise:

- parents role-play with their child good confident responses to verbal attacks (you can even write down what you need to answer to the teacher);

- help the child find ways to calm down (draw, breathe deeply, count, remember something good);

— teach your child to say good things about himself (not “I’m a fool,” but “I can handle this,” for example);

— explain to the child what kind of attitude towards him is acceptable and what is not, and how to react to what is unacceptable;

— teach your child “I-messages” when communicating with the teacher (“I don’t like being called names in front of the whole class, even if it’s just a joke,” “it’s humiliating for me, and I think it’s wrong”).

You can request in writing from the school that the school psychologist intervene in the matter. It is necessary to find out what measures will be taken and when the situation can be expected to improve.

If school management does not respond, you can contact higher authorities education management.

Parents are not always ready to fight: no matter what happens worse for the child. Assess the situation sensibly: is there anything to hold on to in this class, with this teacher, in this school? In some cases, transferring to another school, another group, or another teacher turns out to be the optimal solution.

Notes:

*for example, a study by Espelage, Polanin, and Low published in 2014 in School Psychology Quarterly.

About a quarter of schoolchildren experience bullying in children's groups, and among them are not only teenagers, but also students primary classes. Who can be a victim of bullying? How to recognize the instigator? What to do to resist a bully? The expert answers these questions with “Oh!” psychologist Anna Skavitina.

According to statistics, every fourth child is school years been bullied at least once. He was hit, shoved, pushed, insulted, called names, had things hidden or destroyed. School bullying, or bullying, is long-term physical or mental violence by an individual or group against an individual who is unable to defend himself in a given situation. This definition was given by the Norwegian scientist Erling Rullan, who, together with a group of psychologists, conducted large-scale studies of school bullying. For you and me, it is important to divide between participants with more or less equal forces and bullying is a long-term process in which there is a clear preponderance of physical or mental strength on one side of the conflict.

Who is being bullied?

Almost any child can become a victim of articles; all you need to do is... study at school. Yes, children with developmental disabilities and reduced social skills are more likely to become victims of bullying, but the rest, alas, are not protected from this. No matter what difficulties and character traits a child has, he should not be left without protection and support. Nobody has the right to poison him.

School classes are a group of children united only by their year of birth, place of residence and/or the ambitions of their parents, but not common interests, friendly feelings and the desire to spend many years together. School is often a place where children, like a prison or an army, are forced together and controlled by teachers who control the class through shouting and other means that maintain a rigid hierarchy. In some countries, such as France, classes are disbanded every year to avoid bullying. As a result, every year each child must re-acquaint himself with everyone and establish relationships and not waste his energy on the struggle for power.

Bullying at school, under the standard system of class formation, becomes a way to express negative feelings, find one’s place in the system of power, and identify with the aggressors. Bullying is a way to survive in a tough world. I offend so that they don’t offend me.

Bullies - children who bully others unite in groups because it becomes easier for them in a divided group. In a group, individual responsibility is always lower: “What about me, he did it too!” Calculating, extroverted (socially active and sociable) children are most prone to bullying. They quickly understand that they need to act slowly, on the sly, out of sight of the teachers. But if the victim begins to fight back, then her actions will be noticed by teachers, and then additional sanctions will be imposed against her, which will benefit the offender. As a result, victims often give up, feeling helpless, stop complaining to teachers and parents, and do not resist the bullying at all.

Result of bullying

The result of bullying can be physical and psychological trauma, constant suffering, fear, low self-esteem, inability to study normally, since all activities are aimed at survival, frequent complaints of headaches or a sore stomach, eating disorders, insomnia.

The atmosphere of bullying in the classroom also affects the child. This is the so-called observer phenomenon. Observers' self-esteem also drops, as they feel helpless in this situation and suffer from moral conflict. They do not enter into conflict or join the bully because they are afraid that they will be the next victim.

Bullying at school is possible with the connivance of teachers and the school principal. Often teachers lack the experience to recognize trouble. They see children's behavior, but do not try to understand the reason for it. Many teachers themselves find themselves helpless in the face of bully children, giving up and not understanding who and how they can ask for professional support. Some teachers believe that children “have themselves to blame,” and instead of fighting bullying, they increase the victim’s guilt, thereby worsening the situation in the classroom. It is important that this problem should not be solved by children, but only by adults: the teaching staff, often with the involvement of management, social workers, and parents of students.

How to deal with bullying?

1. Recognize that there is a problem and do not expect that everything will somehow resolve and be resolved.
2. Don’t be afraid to intervene “so that things don’t get worse.” It’s already bad, something needs to be done about it, and not ignored.
3. In case of physical attacks: collect examinations of bruises, abrasions, injuries by specialists. In the case of psychological ones, an assessment of the consequences of psychological trauma by a psychologist.
4. Organize multi-level meetings: parents, teachers, school management. Demand that the class teacher and responsible adults work to change the situation in the classroom. Reducing and stopping bullying is facilitated by extracurricular activities in which all children participate, if possible, working on joint projects within the class, discussing bullying and its consequences. Group-on-group competitions, for example, intra-class KVN, sports competitions can worsen the situation.
5. If they don’t hear you, then change schools. The widespread opinion that changing schools does not give anything, since the child still does not have mechanisms to resist bullying, is wrong! Yes, in every school a child may face bullying, but not every school supports it or ignores it. Finding a school where kids in your class have similar interests will reduce the likelihood of bullying. And any provision of choice (to transfer or not to transfer, as well as where to transfer) reduces the situation of violence itself and removes the child from a traumatic environment.

How to help your child if he has become a victim of bullying?

1. Discuss each episode of bullying with your child in detail. Explain that he is not to blame. Don’t make the situation worse by saying that “you are being bullied because of this and that,” at which point you are siding with the bully and leaving your child in the lurch.
2. Teach him to respond, not to remain silent and not to ignore grievances: this does not work. So we only teach to ignore our feelings.
3. Learn to respond to offenders calmly, without engaging in retaliatory insults.
4. Learn to complain to teachers loudly without indicating their names. So that the offenders can hear, but do not try to respond with the same actions as the bullies. For example, “My textbook has disappeared from my briefcase, and my notebook is torn!”
5. Don’t try to reach the bully with the words: “What are you doing, he’s feeling bad!” To do harm to another is the goal of bullying. Your words will only confirm to the bullies that they are strong and everything works out for them.
6. Find opportunities for your child to express himself in situations of success to support his self-esteem and build self-confidence. For example, look for hobbies and groups of people with similar interests.
7. Go to specialists, read literature. Unfortunately, the teams are different, the bullying is different and, alas, it is impossible to give one universal advice so that everything ends instantly. The main thing is to stay on your child's side. Bullying grows where it is fed.

Photo: Yuganov Konstantin/Suzanne Tucker/Tomsickova Tatyana/Shutterstock.com

Bullying at school is a difficult problem that any parent is afraid to face. More than one psychologist spoke about how to prevent and solve it. Likeyou highlighted the most important thing.

© Mosfilm

Prevention is better than cure

Motherhood blog author Glennon Doyle shared with her subscribers a story about her daughter's school teacher. Every Friday after school, she asked students to write on a piece of paper the names of four classmates with whom he would like to sit the next week, and the name of one classmate who stood out.

Of course, she took into account the children's preferences regarding seating arrangements. But more importantly, the teacher knew who to watch and who to help in communicating with peers. These pieces of paper with names formed patterns:

• with whom no one ever wants to sit;
• who doesn’t even know who to write;
• who stands out more often than others;
• who had a million friends last week and not a single one on this one.

According to Doyle, the teacher has been using this technique since the tragic incident at Columbine High School. The blogger writes admiringly that this wonderful woman knows that cruelty begins with a deep sense of loneliness.

©ETV

Use this knowledge at home

A child who is bullied at school is often very lonely. And he may not admit to troubles with classmates. The teacher’s technique can also be useful when talking between a parent and a child. Ask specific, but not direct questions. Instead of “How was your day?” or “Does anyone bully you at school?” try these:

• Who would you like to sit at the same desk with? Why?
• Which classmate would you like to become friends with?
• Who especially stood out today?
• Who is your polar opposite in class?
• What do you play during breaks?
• What made you laugh today?

If you find out that your child is being bullied

You can’t shift the blame onto him (“Are they just offending you, or someone else?”) and leave him alone with the problem (“Just don’t pay attention”). You need to thank him for his frankness and give him a feeling of protection. Say that now that you know about it, you will definitely come up with something.

©MGM

Solution

The first step to solving a problem is usually recognizing the problem itself. In the case of bullying at school, just say: “Bullying.” Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya writes about this in her blog:

“No “My son doesn’t get along with his classmates.” When a child is deliberately brought to tears, teased in a concerted and systematic manner, when his things are taken away, hidden, damaged, when he is pushed, pinched, beaten, called names, pointedly ignored - this is called BULLING.”

Next you need to find someone who cares at school. This is a person who won't tell you, “Well, that's who he is. Why doesn’t he communicate with other children?” Start with the class teacher and move up the hierarchy until you find a real teacher.

Sometimes you have to turn to third parties. But that's all you can do for your child. Talking to offenders and even their parents is not an option. Because you need to talk to the whole class at once. And this should be done by an adult who is authoritative for everyone.

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