My son dropped out of university, what should I do? Son dropped out of college

My son dropped out of college! This happened. A lot of work and mental strength was put into first getting him to enroll, then keeping him at the institute. And his strength and ours, parents. But! As a child, he studied ballroom dancing. At the age of 13 he started playing football. He left, overcoming my resistance, showing character. But, having realized that in football, in addition to successful passes and beautiful heads a lot of plowing and sweat, slowly merged. That's all. There were no further surges of interest in anything. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? Where do you want to work? He did not know. I fervently convinced: Just want something, I will support you! He did not want. Anxiety grew. What does it have to do with just me? My son was happier in 11th grade than ever before! He himself spoke about this. He is talented in communication. But how can this be transformed into a profession? And which one? I was racking my brains. He was enjoying life (Thank God!) I often stop clients from being too fussy. But in this case, when it was not about me personally, but about my son, I couldn’t stop. It was necessary to fulfill social program- enroll your child in university! Then follow in your father's footsteps! Then, when you know what you want, you will relearn and change everything in your own way! For a whole year he went to tutors - Russian, mathematics, history, society. He passed four Unified State Exams, instead of three (My concern!) He got in! IN military school. Like Dad. My freedom-loving son, accustomed to the ease of existence, whom I did not force or teach to anything, found himself in conditions of strict discipline, work and drill. He had to make the bed, hem collars, clean toilets, paint floors, and wash dishes. Plus orders, duties, rules. Of course, there’s also studying. In general, it was difficult for him. For nine months he could not get used to it. And I couldn’t get used to the heartbreaking SMS messages. He's in another city. Thousands of kilometers away from me. And I don’t know if I did the right thing by convincing him to study at the university that my husband and I chose. He wrote a report. On last week he was expelled. He knows that there is an army ahead. They won't let him go home right away. He knows that Unified State Exam results next year will not be valid. It looks like he's ready for something that won't be easy. But he's happy again! I hear it when I talk to him. I read this in his text messages. I asked: Was there any benefit for you that you were there? Or is it all in vain? He replied: Of course, mom. I'm toughened up! And I again found myself at the point when I told him: If you want it, I will support you! The only difference is that now I understand what I didn’t understand before. It’s easy to support when a person has decided, wanted, and set a goal. It is difficult to maintain uncertainty and remain in the dark about what will happen, when and how. It’s difficult to stop yourself from getting ahead of yourself, from laying out straws, from offering your other options. It's hard to let him make his own decisions and live his life. And be there. But I'm trying. After all, everything is fine with him!

A desperate mother wrote a letter to The Guardian newspaper asking for advice on how to deal with a difficult teenager. The young man does not study, hardly works, and he was caught stealing again. The father said that he did not want to live under the same roof with the thief. Psychotherapist Angela Evans responds to her mother's letter.

Letter to Mother

Having given up studying, from time to time he got some kind of job that required physical labor, and it was, of course, poorly paid. The son has never been particularly open, but now his life is a secret behind seven seals. He never brings friends home.

My husband and I both work, we have a cozy home, good conditions life. We give our son complete freedom, we do not bother him with any special requirements. He has his own room, a full refrigerator is always at his service. But he lives in the house like a stranger: he comes and goes. He can be extremely sweet or terribly rude to me and my sister if we bring up a topic that is unpleasant to him. For example, let’s ask how the job search is going.

A few weeks ago, money disappeared from my daughter's room.

Decorations that were dear to us primarily as memories disappeared from the house. The son said he knew nothing about it. A few weeks ago, money disappeared from my daughter’s room. That morning, while cleaning her house (both of my children, alas, are quite messy), I saw them. Afterwards I looked around his room and found evidence that he took the money. I asked about it directly, and he replied that he needed money, but he will return everything(however, he did not do this).

My husband was furious and angry with me for not telling him about this sooner. A I tried to avoid a scandal by giving my son a chance to get the money back. It has been our custom for a long time: my husband loves to build everyone up too much, and I think that he is too harsh, so I often collude with the children in order to protect them.

Now the husband declared that he would not live under the same roof with the thief. My son could move in with friends, but most of them don’t work anywhere and smoke marijuana (like, I suspect, my son). I'm afraid if we deprive him of his home, his problems will only get worse.

Answer from psychologist Angela Evans

In your letter you write that you clean the rooms of your grown children. Maybe, you still cannot refuse the role of a caring mother(think about it: it might help you understand your own behavior better) your son cannot separate from you and become an independent person.

IN adolescence the child is separated from the parents and in a sense you have to deal with a stranger. Most likely, your son feels like a failure - without an education, without a goal, without a job. Try not to ask anymore how things are going with the job search: this will only provoke his anxiety. And then, these are your plans, not his own. In my experience working with teenagers, lying and stealing are very common among many teenagers when they are angry or feeling rejected,– this behavior helps them fill the void.

You mention drugs, but somehow in passing, but I think about how important a role they play in this whole situation. If your son uses drugs, then his behavior controlled by a clearly non-conscious part of the brain.

If you think of stealing as a message, what do you think your son is trying to tell you? The fact that he stole jewelry that was dear to you as a memory looks like an act of exceptional aggression (if he even thought about his action).

You don't write about what kind of relationship he has with his sister. It is also interesting that he steals from you and your sister, but not from your father.

The key is for you and your husband to be a team.

What to do with all this? The key is for you and your husband to be a team. You need to talk to each other and find what you have in common that brings you joy. After this, you need to talk to your son and listen to him. You have to work out an agreement that will allow the whole family to live more peacefully. Your teenager needs you to acknowledge his maturation. But theft must be excluded.

You will have to make an effort to connect with each other, learn to respect everyone's space. It would be good if your daughter also agreed to the agreement and took part in family discussions. Together you need to agree on certain rules behaviors that everyone will subscribe to. If your son does not meet you halfway and does not agree with these rules, try to at least agree on something. There is no point in setting conditions: “If you don’t do this, then this will follow” until you are absolutely sure that you will be able to keep your words. You clearly lack confidence in communicating with your son.

Lastly, stop cleaning your kids' rooms. Give them the opportunity to take responsibility and encourage their independence.

For more details, see website The Guardian newspapers.

About the expert

Angela Evans– psychotherapist, often works with difficult teenagers.

Text: Prepared by Alina Nikolskaya

And parents don’t know how to help their grown-up child. It is clear that as many people there are as many situations with studying at a university. Another typical case from the “son dropped out of college” series is analyzed by psychologist Ekaterina Murashova.

- Please, will you accept me? My child is already big, and you have a children's clinic, I understand, but I really need it, please. We visited you once, many years ago, twice, but you don’t remember, of course. Please...

“Surely some very serious problem“, I thought. Maybe there is something that is difficult and embarrassing to talk about. I chose a psychologist whom I had already seen before; it was subjectively easier. As long as it’s not drugs - I don’t know how to work with that at all, I’ll have to send him home right away.

Meanwhile, the woman sat down in a chair and somehow very deftly took a pack of disposable handkerchiefs out of her purse and placed it on her lap. “Either she’s whiny by nature and has known about it for a long time, or I’m not the first psychologist she turns to.” Thinking this way, I decided to wait until she spoke.

“You know, I have such a huge problem - my son dropped out of college,” said the woman.

“Yeah,” I said. I haven’t seen this as a particular (let alone huge) problem yet. Well, he quit and quit, it happens. Maybe he just didn't like him. Or failed to cope with the program. Unpleasant, of course, but not the end of the world. The woman was silent.

— It's about about further career guidance? — I asked. — The guy is sitting in the corridor?

- No, I came alone.

— Was the institute of your son’s choice?

- No, you can’t say that. He simply agreed. By the end of school, in general, he was not interested in anything other than the computer.

- Well, tell me more.

Three generations of techies in the family

The whole story as presented (the woman’s name was Maria, the son’s name was Alexei) looked quite trivial. Everyone in the family up to the third generation in depth - with the highest technical education. Grandfather still teaches at the Electrotechnical Institute. Naturally, it was assumed that after school Alexey would also go to study “something like that.”

Moreover, the boy became passionately interested in the computer immediately after it appeared in the house, at school he excelled in computer science classes and at one time even wrote some simple programs.

However, by the end of school, all passion for programming had disappeared, all that was left on the computer were games and aimless hanging out on social networks, and to the energetic nudges of relatives: well, the time for “ch” is approaching, LIAPP, or Polytechnic, or what? - followed sluggishly: I don’t know...

The family took the initiative. in physics (mathematics was already going well), preparatory courses at the institute - everything was energetic, under control, running and running. It cannot be said that Alexey somehow resisted what was happening. On the contrary, it seemed that he even breathed a sigh of relief: there was no need to decide anything, everything was decided as if by itself, that’s great, bang-bump-bang.

When I became a student, I was clearly happy and proud of my newly acquired status. He went to the institute clearly “on the upswing”, he eagerly talked about new acquaintances, about subjects, about teachers. All this ended after about six months: studying is difficult and uninteresting, and no one studies there, why do all this at all...

I passed the first session with only one problem. The family presented a united front - it doesn’t happen that everything is interesting and on a plate, you have to overcome yourself, you will get involved further, it will be better and easier. To their surprise, Alexey almost immediately stopped rebelling, gave up his “tail” and seemed to resign himself. More than a year lived peacefully and calmly.

Only by the end of the second course did it become clear the ugly truth: The guy hasn’t attended classes for six months, there’s no way to repay his accumulated debts. The only way out is to pick up the documents. “I didn’t understand anything about some subjects there from the very beginning,” said Alexey.

- Okay, you failed the program, you couldn’t study in this really difficult department. But why were you silent?! - the relatives cried out. “You could have transferred a long time ago to somewhere simpler...

“That’s it, that’s what I thought: what’s the point of telling you?” - Alexey retorted strangely.

How will I tell you at work?

“I have two questions,” I said. - What exactly is he doing now? And second: all this time (at least six months) he pretended to visit the institute. Where did he go?

“Now he’s not doing anything, that is, he’s sitting and playing on the computer. Grandfather is trying to find an opportunity to transfer to another institute...

- Alexey agrees again?

- He says that he would rather join the army, but you understand that a normal mother...

— Alexey is physically weak, doesn’t get along well with people?

- What do you! He was almost two meters tall, went to swing, and he always had a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends!

- What did he do instead of the institute?

- We don’t really know. He said something about walking on rooftops, through sewers, and some other similar stupidity...

- What did you come to me with last time, many years ago?

Maria carefully took out the first handkerchief:

- Can I tell you what I came with now?

- Well, of course! — I was slightly surprised.

- My The only son lost in this life. He feels bad and I can see it. But I have virtually no sympathy for him. I'm angry that he put me and all my family in such an awkward position. The only thing I think about all the time and what I have been feeling for two months now is shame and social awkwardness.

How can I tell people at work that my son was kicked out of college? Soon we will have a class meeting (I am one of the organizers), everyone will talk about their children, their successes, but what will I say? How can a grandfather, with his impeccable reputation, be embarrassed to ask for such a dunce? How did he let us all down?..

I admit, I didn’t want to come to you; I have unpleasant memories from past visits. I went to other psychologists. One of them advised me to leave my son alone, take care of myself and let him solve his problems on his own. Another said that Alyosha is still immature, now this is common among young people, and we are doing everything right, and he will thank us later.

But I... I suddenly caught all these feelings of mine and realized that I was not going to them for help to Alyosha, but only so that they would calm me down and tell me that there is nothing so socially terrible if you have my son was kicked out of the institute... And then I realized that I was a disgusting mother...

And he wanted to be a rescuer

“Maria, I underestimated you,” I said honestly.

“We were with you when Alyosha, at the age of fourteen, began to climb some abandoned buildings. There was adult company, and it really was very, very dangerous. It seemed to me then that you didn’t understand me at all. You told Alyosha about initiations and how in the courtyard of your childhood everyone walked on some kind of board between buildings at a height of five floors.

And they told me that a child in a family cannot be socially functional - in any case, he will try to break out of boundaries, not now, then later. They suggested that I should not forbid, but somehow “join” him, walk along his path, give him an adult feedback about what he is looking for there.

It seemed like some kind of nonsense to me at the time. What does it mean to join him? Climb with him into abandoned construction sites? Do you agree that walking on beams at a height of ten meters is healthy and correct? My older friend advised me to buy him powerful computer. I did so. Construction took place within two months.

- And the second time? You said that you visited me twice.

— The second time was Alexey himself, when we pestered him in the tenth grade about choosing an institute. I don’t know what you talked to him about. Then I came in for five minutes, and you told me: a well-oriented guy, it’s very difficult to get into the Ministry of Internal Affairs school without cronyism, the Ministry of Emergency Situations school looks more promising and more humanitarian, but in any case you have to try, and he will need your help. Then at home we laughed for a long time with the whole family...

— Did he ever tell you that he wants to be an EMERCOM nickname?

— I think he said it back in school. But we didn’t take it seriously: is this a profession? Besides, he didn’t take any practical steps in this direction...

- Yes? What about initiation into an adult group of semi-vagrants at fourteen? What about gym classes? What about diggers and roofers, when did you drop out of college? It was always in him, and he high school I was looking for a way to bring all this to a socially acceptable level. Whether he will find it now - God knows...

-Can I help him? - Maria crumpled the second used handkerchief in her fist and looked determined.

- Well, of course you can! - I shrugged. - Who, if not you?

- Well, first, stop the family campaign to push Lesha back to college and just tell him everything that you just told me.

- Like repentance?

- Like an explanation of what happened and is happening to you. In response, you will most likely also hear something honest. Honest, even one-time communication can always be a good start.

Maria came two days later.

— He said that for now he wants to join the army, where everything is according to the schedule. Is it because of cowardice that you don’t decide? Also social functionality?

- He's your son.

- So, should I let him go?

- Think.

- Yes, sure. I can easily join this. I just wanted to push him into at least some institute for my peace of mind.

- Great, join us.

“He said that in the seventh grade he dreamed about how he, now an adult, was saving people either in a fire or in an earthquake. According to him, we told him then (when he told us his dream) with aplomb: “You first correct the D in mathematics, rescuer. Your job now is to study.” And to join was to give him The Catcher in the Rye, right?

— I don’t know, for some reason I don’t like this book myself.

“I like it, but I read it as an adult.”

For those who like good endings: tall and physically well-prepared, Alexey successfully served in the Airborne Forces and, on assignment from the army, entered the EMERCOM school. Maria met me on the street and told me about it.

But good endings in such cases this does not always happen; alas, I have repeatedly seen something else... Than longer baby, a teenager, a young man remains “in the field” of those who decide for him, the more difficult it is for him to later get out from under all this and discover, and then defend himself.

Comment on the article "My son dropped out of college. What should parents and the student do?"

Three generations of techies in the family

The whole story as presented (the woman’s name was Maria, the son’s name was Alexei) looked quite trivial. Everyone in the family, up to the third generation in depth, has a higher technical education. Grandfather still teaches at the Electrotechnical Institute. Naturally, it was assumed that after school Alexey would also go to study “something like that.”

The family took the initiative. A tutor in physics (mathematics was already going well), preparatory courses at the institute - everything was energetic, under control, running and running. It cannot be said that Alexey somehow resisted what was happening. On the contrary, it seemed that he even breathed a sigh of relief: there was no need to decide anything, everything was decided as if by itself, that’s great, bang-bump-bang.

Only towards the end of the second year did the ugly truth become clear: the guy had not attended classes for six months, and there was no way to repay the accumulated debts. The only way out is to pick up the documents. “I didn’t understand anything about some subjects there from the very beginning,” said Alexey.

“That’s it, that’s what I thought: what’s the point of telling you?” - Alexey retorted strangely.

How will I tell you at work?

“I have two questions,” I said. - What exactly is he doing now? And second: all this time (at least six months) he pretended to visit the institute. Where did he go?

“Now he’s not doing anything, that is, he’s sitting and playing on the computer. Grandfather is trying to find an opportunity to transfer to another institute...

- Alexey agrees again?

- He says that he would rather join the army, but you understand that a normal mother...

— Alexey is physically weak, doesn’t get along well with people?

- What do you! He was almost two meters tall, went to swing, and he always had a lot of boyfriends and girlfriends!

- What did he do instead of the institute?

- We don’t really know. He said something about walking on rooftops, through sewers and some other similar stupidity...

- What did you come to me with last time, many years ago?

Maria carefully took out the first handkerchief:

- Can I tell you what I came with now?

- Well, of course! — I was slightly surprised.

“My only son is lost in this life. He feels bad and I can see it. But I have virtually no sympathy for him. I'm angry that he put me and all my family in such an awkward position. The only thing I think about all the time and what I have been feeling for two months now is shame and social awkwardness.

But I... I suddenly caught all these feelings of mine and realized that I was not going to them for help to Alyosha, but only so that they would calm me down and tell me that there is nothing so socially terrible if you have a son from the institute was kicked out... And then I realized that I was a disgusting mother...

And he wanted to be a rescuer

“Maria, I underestimated you,” I said honestly.

“We were with you when Alyosha, at the age of fourteen, began to climb some abandoned buildings. There was an adult group there, and it was really, really dangerous. It seemed to me then that you didn’t understand me at all. You told Alyosha about initiations and how in the courtyard of your childhood everyone walked on some kind of board between buildings at a height of five floors.

And they told me that a child in a family cannot be socially functional - in any case, he will try to break out of boundaries, not now, then later. They suggested that I should not prohibit him, but somehow “join” him, walk along his path, give him adult feedback about what he was looking for there.

It seemed like some kind of nonsense to me at the time. What does it mean to join him? Climb with him into abandoned construction sites? Do you agree that walking on beams at a height of ten meters is healthy and correct? My older friend advised me to buy him a powerful computer. I did so. Construction took place within two months.

- And the second time? You said that you visited me twice.

— Did he ever tell you that he wants to be an EMERCOM nickname?

— I think he said it back in school. But we didn’t take it seriously: is this a profession? Moreover, he did not take any practical steps in this direction...

- Yes? What about initiation into an adult group of semi-vagrants at fourteen? What about gym classes? What about diggers and roofers, when did you drop out of college? This has always been in him, and since high school he has been looking for a way to bring it all to a socially acceptable level. Whether he will find it now - God knows...

-Can I help him? - Maria crumpled the second used handkerchief in her fist and looked determined.

- Well, of course you can! - I shrugged. - Who, if not you?

- Well, first, stop the family campaign to push Lesha back to college and just tell him everything that you just told me.

- Like repentance?

- Like an explanation of what happened and is happening to you. In response, you will most likely also hear something honest. Honest, even one-time communication can always be a good start.

Maria came two days later.

— He said that for now he wants to join the army, where everything is according to the schedule. Is it because of cowardice that you don’t decide? Also social functionality?

- He's your son.

- So, should I let him go?

- Think.

- Yes, sure. I can easily join this. I just wanted to push him into at least some institute for my peace of mind.

- Great, join us.

— I don’t know, for some reason I don’t like this book myself.

“I like it, but I read it as an adult.”

But good endings in such cases do not always happen; alas, I have repeatedly seen something else... The longer a child, teenager, young man remains “in the field” of those who decide for him, the more difficult it is for him to get out from under all this and discover, and then defend himself.