An apology to the teacher. The ability to ask for forgiveness according to the rules of etiquette

Date of publication: 04/06/2017

Your good manners can be judged by your ability to ask for forgiveness and accept apologies from other people. These are two sides of the same phenomenon. It is important that you have a balance between forgiving yourself and asking forgiveness from others. Some people forgive easily, but do not know how to apologize. For others, on the contrary, it is easier to apologize yourself than to accept someone else’s apology. So let's learn to find the middle ground and do it right.

Immediately on the shore we will agree that the word “Sorry” is energetically different from the expression “I beg your pardon.” The basis of the first word is “guilt”, the second is “forgive”. The less we talk about wine as such, the less we find ourselves in situations in which we become guilty. Therefore, according to esoteric rules, asking for forgiveness is more correct than apologizing.

Politeness requires saying “I’m sorry” if you accidentally hit or pushed someone or caused inconvenience. The most correct answer is the word “Please”. According to etiquette, the phrases “No problem” or “No need to apologize” are unacceptable.

Sometimes the word “Sorry” is a prelude to leaving the road or office in an institution. We are not considering this interpretation today.

When there are serious reasons for an apology, it can be very difficult psychologically to do so.

There are certain rules on how to properly ask for forgiveness:

You must show with all your appearance that you are aware of your wrongdoing and are striving to correct the situation.
You need to be sincere so that the injured party feels it and appreciates it.
At the same time, you need to look into the eyes, and not to the sides. Otherwise, your apology may seem fake.
Just say “I’m sorry, I was wrong (mistaken, etc.).” Don't promise that something like this won't happen again - no one knows what else can happen in life.
If your opponent does not believe in your sincerity, your relationship with him may become more tense. But if you know for sure that you were sincere, then everything else will be on the conscience of the one who did not accept your apology.
If you don’t know what to say, what words exactly, try to put yourself in the shoes of the offended person. This will help you understand the enormity of your act in his eyes and his picture of the world. After this, finding the right words will be easy.
Whether you will be forgiven or not depends on the character of the injured person, his attitude towards you, the depth of the offense and your sincerity. Sometimes it takes more than one day of reflection to forgive from the heart. Don't rush, give the person time.
If your offense is colossal, you need to prepare the person for the conversation. Especially if he is dear and close to you. Start this thread via SMS, ask for a meeting. If they don’t forgive you right away, they will appreciate your attempts to make amends.

According to etiquette, it is quite acceptable to supplement the words of apology with a gift. There is nothing reprehensible in this. Although it is possible that your impulse may be perceived as a bribe - it all depends on the person accepting the apology. , can give a woman flowers as a sign of repentance, a girl can give a guy a small gift as a sign of reconciliation.

It is not always appropriate to ask what to do to atone for guilt. It’s better to offer your options and let the injured party choose. This will make it psychologically easier for her.

If they ask you for forgiveness, then you can show your readiness to forgive not even with words, but simply smile back or shake hands.

“Errare humanum est,” they said in ancient times. Translated into modern language and transformed into modern life, we can say that in our time, just like many centuries ago, it is human nature to make mistakes. We are not always right and often we make mistakes in our lives, after which we have to apologize. But does everyone know how to do it correctly? Do you feel uncomfortable saying words of apology and asking for forgiveness?

Where to start with an apology?

At the very beginning, you must first determine whether your apology is necessary. After all, there is no need to apologize for every sin. Analyze your misdeeds. Calmly assessing your mistakes is important for one simple reason: empathy. You need to evaluate all your actions from all sides and from all angles in order to understand how much and why your actions offended someone close to you.

Put yourself in that person's shoes

The only effective way to do this is to put yourself in that person's shoes and ask some important questions: How have my actions affected his or her life? Did my action affect this person’s self-esteem? Did it affect me? Is this irreparable or is there still an opportunity to fix everything? It is at this moment that you need to take the situation seriously. We've all made mistakes before, so try to evaluate everything correctly and empathize with the feelings of the other person.

How to speak correctly?

We usually say “sorry”, “I beg your pardon” and “I apologise”. The first two options are correct, and the third can only be used in colloquial situations. Why? Let's figure it out. Excuse, excuse - imply a focus on someone: excuse him, excuse her. And the reflexive form of the verb (-sya) denotes an action applied to oneself: wash, shave, get dressed. In this situation, it turns out that when I apologize, I am apologizing to myself. But is this what we want when we ask for forgiveness?

1. Apologize for your eyes

Before apologizing directly, the offended person needs to be slightly “warmed up”. To do this, send this person a letter, postcard, email, whatever, with an apology. After reading the message, he will certainly not forgive you, but he will be prepared and will appreciate your persistence.

2. Be sincere

Don't start apologizing if you don't actually feel guilty. The person will see your insincerity and the situation will only get worse.

3. Make eye contact

Let me look into your eyes, this will make it clear that you are sincere. Look straight into the eyes of the person you are asking for forgiveness - this is conducive.

4. Apologize privately.

It is better to ask for forgiveness in private. Take the person you want to apologize to aside. This will reduce tension and prevent anyone from distracting you at the most inopportune moment. If a public apology is necessary, you can make it later after apologizing in person.

5. Apologize face to face.

You must come to the person you want to apologize to. Don't ask him to come to you. Don't apologize by mail or over the phone. You must do this in person, face to face.

6. Watch your body language

Nonverbal communication is just as important as verbal communication. Be careful to watch your body while talking. Although, if you really regret what you did and feel guilty, your body will do everything right on its own.

7. Don't delay

The sooner you apologize, the better. Of course, if you are emotional, it is better to wait it out, let yourself cool down and only then apologize, but you shouldn’t delay it too much either. Firstly, you may burn out, and secondly, your apology may no longer be relevant.

8. A verbal apology is not enough.

It is not recommended to be clever in apologizing. But it’s also too easy to treat. Of course, sometimes a simple “sorry” is enough, but most often this is not the case. It is better to add a bouquet of roses to your words when meeting (if you need to apologize to a girl) or a small present (if you need to apologize to a man).

9. Admit your mistake

Don’t forget about the phrase “Sorry, I was wrong.” As a rule, admitting that you are wrong is very effective. Never deny the fact that you have something to apologize for.

10. Take a break if necessary.

If the person does not accept your apology, you should stop it. Just wait a couple of days and see how things go. It is possible that the person accepting the apology realizes that a “second chance” needs to be given.

11. Stop on time

An apology should not be long and drawn out. It is quite difficult to stop such a conversation in time, but remember that by continuing it, you are walking blindfolded on the edge of an abyss. Don't do this, you may only make the situation worse.

12. Don't make excuses

13. Don't promise the impossible

Of course, the important words “I’m so sorry” must be present in your speech. However, never make promises that this will never happen again. This kind of trap is both an easy way to solve a problem and a strategic miscalculation.

14. Offer a way out

Suggest a way to fix everything. This will show that you care about the relationship with the person. Please note that you should make a suggestion, and not ask “How can I fix everything?”

You must suggest ways to fix things and your suggestions must be relevant. If possible, try to show the person that you understand your guilt. The essence of this step is to minimize the damage caused and make every effort to correct the situation. If you have wronged a loved one, look for ways to strengthen your relationship and show him how much you care for him and how much you value his needs. If you have not lived up to someone's trust or said something that was not necessary, then you need to restore the friendship with actions that will prove to this person that you are worth trusting. Be careful not to make offers that even remotely resemble an attempt to buy trust. That is, sentences like “Let’s go to a restaurant tomorrow, I’ll treat you.” Also, try not to ask questions like, “How can I fix this?” or “What can I do to make amends?” This implies that you never realized your mistake.

15. Draw conclusions

This is the most important action. Looking back and remembering your previous mistakes is not a very pleasant experience, but necessary from a preventive point of view. In the future, you will still have to apologize for something (this is inevitable), but preferably not for the same mistakes. So remember what led to the mistakes and how you can avoid them in the future. If you didn't keep your promise because you were too busy, try to fix it.

A properly presented apology can save a relationship even in the most seemingly hopeless situation. Do you have anyone to apologize to? So what are you waiting for? Use these tips to gain forgiveness.

Conflicts between schoolchildren and teachers, unfortunately, are not uncommon. Sometimes it is provoked by the children themselves, and sometimes by adults. With kids heading back to school soon, some students may be faced with similar situations. “I am a parent” will tell you what to do if your child does not find a common language with the teacher.

Should you intervene?

This question is often asked to our psychologists by moms and dads. It can actually be difficult to answer: a lot depends on the situation, on the age of the child, on his attitude to what is happening.

Some parents believe that a schoolchild is no longer a child, which means he must establish relationships with others and be responsible for his actions on his own. In general, this is the correct point of view, but only if the child is really to blame for the conflict with the teacher and he has a desire to admit his guilt and apologize. Most likely, the teacher in this case will show wisdom and make contact in order to resolve the unpleasant incident. But what to do if the conflict becomes protracted?

Let's understand the situation

If you do decide to intervene, then the first thing you need to understand is.

“My daughter is in 10th grade and refuses to go to school,” Galina wrote to us. – She says that the teacher is lowering her grades because my girl refused to meet with her son. . How to behave in this situation and understand who is right without ruining relationships with teachers?”

As can be seen from the letter, Galina took the most important step: she talked to her daughter. The resolution of any conflict must begin with this. Listen carefully to the child's point of view to get at least some idea of the current situation. You should not scold, much less yell at your son or daughter, until you understand what is really going on between the child and the teacher. Communicate in a calm and friendly tone in a relaxed environment.

Then you should make an appointment with the teacher.

At the very beginning of the conversation with the teacher, explain that you did not come to swear or blame him, but to figure out what is happening and together find a way out of the situation.

Many teachers, seeing angry parents making claims right from the start, immediately begin to defend themselves, even if they are not to blame for the conflict, and naturally, such a conversation does not turn out to be constructive. Therefore, if you go to find out who is right and who is wrong, calmly listen to the teacher’s point of view, compare it with the version that the child told you, and then draw your own conclusions.

If the teacher is to blame

If, after clarifying the situation, it becomes clear that the teacher is to blame, do not rush to throw accusations and seek his dismissal, but try to calmly talk with the teacher, you are adults and know how to find compromises. Admitting one’s incompetence is very difficult for any teacher, because it is associated with an awareness of one’s professional inadequacy. Tell the teacher that you do not want to inflame the conflict even more, that you do not doubt his professionalism, but you would not want a similar situation to happen again.

But even if the teacher admits his mistake, this does not mean that he will be able to publicly apologize to the child, so you must come to his aid. At home, have a heart-to-heart talk with your child, explain to him that everyone has the right to make mistakes, including adults. Say that the teacher is just tired, nervous, that he has a very difficult job. The main thing in the conversation is not to convince the child that the teacher is bad, but to make sure that the student does not lose respect for him. Understanding that everyone makes mistakes will help your child feel calmer.

The main mistake that parents make is making negative statements about the teacher. If you pit your child against the teacher, you risk inflaming the conflict even more, since the student, feeling that he is right, may lose control of his emotions.

If the child is to blame

If it turns out that the child is to blame for the conflict, you must have a serious talk with him, analyze the current situation together, explain to him what he is wrong about and convince him to apologize to the teacher.

If a child refuses to go to peace, talk to the teacher and ask him to give your child a deferment. Most likely, over time, when the first emotions subside a little, everything will settle down, and the child, realizing his wrong behavior, will try to improve his relationship with the teacher.

The main thing is to ensure that the initial conflict does not go even further, since some children are so stubborn that they fundamentally try to make things even worse, offended and angry that their parents a priori did not take their side.

If this happens, you may have to seek help from a child psychologist and look for the reasons for the stubbornness. It may turn out that conflict is a character trait of your child, and then you will have to fight it.

If the parents' point of view does not coincide with the teacher's opinion

There is a third outcome of the situation when the teacher insists that the child is to blame, but the parents cannot agree with this, and accordingly, it is not possible to reach a general consensus. This, for example, happens when a teacher is too strict and demands unquestioning obedience to his rules from children, but this approach seems wrong to parents.

You can choose one of three options for further actions. The first is to reconsider your own attitude towards the situation. In this case, your main task will be to ensure that your child’s self-esteem does not suffer as a result of the conflict. Help him with his homework in the subject taught by this teacher, support him, let him feel that you are on his side.

The second option is more drastic - transferring the child to another class or school. If your child has good relationships with classmates, transferring him to another school is not the best option, as the child will lose contact with his friends. In this case, you should think about transferring to another class: this way he will be able to communicate with peers during breaks, before and after lessons.

If there are difficulties with the transfer (for example, you have a specialized school or class that generally suits you), talk to the teacher again and explain that he should change his attitude towards your child. Don't make a scandal, but speak about it confidently and firmly. Tell him that you respect him as a teacher, you like the overall level of teaching at this school, but you see the current situation in a different light. Most likely, the teacher will not want problems to arise and you will be able to come to a mutual agreement.

And the third option, which is a last resort, is to contact the school administration or the district educational committee. Perhaps this teacher will be reprimanded, or another teacher will be appointed to teach his subject, or some other way out of the current situation will be offered.

Victoria Kotlyarova

Some children often lie: about homework, what they ate for lunch, whether they actually brushed their teeth. But parents cannot always distinguish between what is true and what is false. Take the test and find out how often your child tells lies.

School is a stressful place for anyone involved in it. At a time when those present are tired, in a hurry, and often hungry, it is very difficult to control yourself. And as a result, thoughtless words, actions and their consequences. One of the consequences is the need to apologize to the teacher for your behavior. How to prepare for this action? What can you say and how best to behave?

Sincerely excuse

Teachers who work in schools often encounter bad behavior from their students. It is impossible to deceive such experience and insight: it is obvious when a child or teenager asks for forgiveness sincerely, and when he simply wants to somehow influence the situation in his favor. Therefore, you should try to imbue yourself with feelings that will help you speak from the heart.

For example, it is worth thinking about the work environment. Working at school is hard: the authorities demand one thing, the parents demand the second, and the students expect the third. It is impossible to please everyone; As a result, every day brings someone's dissatisfaction. Surviving in such an environment is not easy, especially since everyone has personal problems. And the school staff itself is by no means always friendly. Therefore, you can sympathize with teachers, even the most evil ones.

Every person wants his work to be appreciated. Especially when the result and salary are closely related to this. And trying to interest teenagers who need nothing but their own desires is difficult. Many of them openly demonstrate their disdain, and even if the teacher does not show it, it hurts her, because by doing so they show that no one needs her work. Do you really want to try in this case? Moreover, a large number of students who fail in a subject is a reason for the school authorities to cut their already small salaries.

After you have managed to understand the feelings of the offended party, it is worth looking at what happened through her eyes.

Reasons for grievances

Further actions depend on what caused the conflict. It could be:

insult;
deception;
absenteeism;
cheating.

Insult. Many teenagers love jokes related to sarcasm, irony, and they find it funny humor. But is this how it looks from the perspective of the person being joked about? Often, when teenagers get carried away, they turn to outright rudeness. However, if the target of sarcasm is an adult, such behavior is inappropriate.

If this happened, then when asking for forgiveness, you must honestly admit that you allowed yourself too much and wanted to seem the wittiest. If rudeness was committed in front of the entire class, then it would be fair to ask for forgiveness in front of these same witnesses, although it would be scary. The main thing to remember is that there is no shame in apologizing - it is a shame to be a boor who does not have the fortitude to admit a mistake.

Deception. Many people know that honesty is important, but it is not always possible to do just that. Children cheat for the sake of a good grade, absenteeism - in general, for their own benefit. And when deception comes to light, you need to apologize and admit it. Of course, it is unlikely that you will be able to regain trust right away, so later you will need to speak honestly and immediately about the problem. An adequate person will understand how much effort it took - after all, it’s easier to deceive.

Cheating. Perhaps the most common reason for conflict, for which two people usually get caught at once. In order to correct the situation, both will have to apologize, preferably separately.

What not to do

There is no need to immediately tell everyone you meet about what happened: this spoils the reputation of both. This way you can find enemies among other employees of the establishment who are friends with the offended person. It is unlikely that a student will be able to win such a war without losses.

It is unwise to continue in the same spirit. Some teachers know how to take revenge on a large scale. For example, in one school, hooligan girls were simply not given certificates, since these teachers recognized them as uncertified in their subjects. This was confirmed by records of absenteeism and notes on unsuccessful calls to parents. Yes, these teachers lost their salaries, but they also taught the offenders a great lesson - while their classmates arrived and left, they were forced to attend evening school.

Don't try to justify yourself at any cost. This behavior speaks more of a desire to get out than of an honest admission of guilt. Trying to evade and shift the blame onto others causes unpleasant feelings.

It would be strange to bring up this topic during a lesson - most likely it will seem like an attempt at sabotage. It is better to choose a time before or after class.

If the teacher has character

A wise teacher will not enter into confrontation with the student - rather, he will simply help him understand where he was wrong and close the topic. Unfortunately, there are few of them. What to do if the offended person does not want to reconcile?

You can consult with your class teacher and psychologist. It is better to conduct the conversation in a positive way, without blaming anyone. Even if such a conversation does not help resolve the conflict, it will be easier to understand if, due to resentment, grades begin to be lowered. And if it works out, the conflict will be resolved outside the walls of the teacher’s room.

Sometimes a small gift, such as a nice pen, a box of chocolates or jewelry, makes all the difference. The main thing is to be clear: the purpose of the presentation is not to bribe, but to restore good relations.

For most teachers, the presence of a parent is significant. It is usually easier to come to an agreement with your family members; the main thing is to mention your attempts to reconcile yourself. Most parents will defend the interests of their child, especially if he has exhausted all available options. Sometimes the mere presence of parents is enough, sometimes the teacher expects a promise that they will take some action. It's better not to pit them against each other.

If this does not help, and the matter takes a serious turn, then the parents turn to the director for help. He helps to deal with underestimates and nit-picking.

Apologizing to a harmful, vindictive and conflict-ridden person is unpleasant. Moreover, many will probably say that half of his acquaintances are at odds with him. But in life you will meet more than one such person, and the experience of finding a common language with such people can be very useful. Moreover, peace-loving people are valued everywhere.

“Of course, it’s not my fault, but excuse me...”

“Of course, it’s not my fault, but forgive me, because your parents came to me, and I don’t want them to come to me anymore.” This is approximately how a teacher apologized to a seventh-grader in one of the empty corridors of a comprehensive school. It seemed that her apology was not easy for the boy: an intense look, a stony expression on his face, in general, a stoic tin soldier in a red and blue uniform, known from Andersen’s fairy tales. If it weren’t for the words he heard, it would be quite possible to assume that this teacher does not apologize to the child, but accuses him of something. It turns out that even a simple apology can have an aggressive connotation... Despite the fact that the last bell rang and the school year ended long ago, questions regarding the ethical side of teacher apologies have not disappeared anywhere. There is no doubt that on the first of September, along with bouquets of flowers and tanned children’s faces, old forms of relationships will come, in which very often, in a conflict with a teacher, the student becomes a small voiceless “I”.

This problem is rarely discussed in psychological and pedagogical literature, and even less often it is raised in school or family. The variety of forms and the somewhat vague structure of the apology leads to the fact that in response to the question “what did the teacher apologize to you for?” children begin to simply retell facts. As a rule, both they and their parents, without saying a word, describe in detail everything that happened. But if you ask them about the reason for the conflict, many will be at a loss. However, every grievance or quarrel has its own reason, but identifying it can be very difficult, especially when it comes to a teacher and his student. For a teacher’s apology, we think, there must be a very good reason, for example, if a child was openly insulted, unfairly punished, demonstratively ridiculed, etc. For some reason, behind a teacher’s apology only the worst is always seen, although the same insult can be veiled under reproach, and mockery is wrapped in a correct remark. And in this case, it is very difficult to draw a line beyond which the pedagogical field ends. It is not without reason that today those psychologists who study the relationship between children and the teaching staff are forced to resort to various tricks in order to find that same Pandora’s box in the mass of contradictory facts. So, next to the question “How often do teachers offend you?”, child psychologists ask modern schoolchildren about “how many times have teachers apologized to you?”, “Do you often get offended by them?”, “Has a teacher ever called you names?” fool/fool and other offensive words? The well-observed uniformity of such a survey is explained by the fact that many schoolchildren are simply not inclined to put their relationships with teachers into any emotional or conceptual framework. At this age, it is easier for many of them to “not see” an arrow aimed in their direction than to hold the line. This is probably why we get paradoxical questionnaires in which teachers “don’t offend”, “don’t apologize”, “I don’t take offense at them”, but at the same time “they call them a fool and stupid, yes”. They say that such answers are most often found among children from secondary schools, where mass participation and a focus on flow somewhat lower the acceptable standards for treating them. Of course, in an elite gymnasium or prestigious lyceum, the educational process is tailored to the personality of each individual student, so any attack in his direction can end in failure for the teacher. The elitism of external forms leaves its mark on the ethical norm.

Back in the winter, my 13-year-old niece shared a very interesting observation. According to her, the older they become, the more changes occur in their relationships with teachers, when they have to apologize to the whole class or one of the students. If in primary school this process happened naturally and simply, then secondary school brought quite interesting amendments. “Today before us,” says the girl, “the explanations (!) are somehow delayed. True, the teachers themselves speak quickly and briefly, and incomprehensibly crumple their words.” Perhaps this small observation serves as the best illustration of the fact that sometimes even schools can instill in children distorted standards of behavior in which a simple verbal apology can come with the subtext “I don’t want to do this” or “this is incredibly difficult.” But children pick up all these subtle nuances very well. They can only pretend that they don’t care at all, but in fact they absorb any information like sponges. And is it any wonder that next time in a similar situation, one child may not hear, the second may not see, and the third may not speak? In addition, since childhood, for many of us, family and friends can lay the foundation for future fear and self-doubt. This happens when they turn any wrongdoing in public into a violent apology. First they shame and reproach, and then they sharply push them forward: “Go for forgiveness.” As a rule, this psychological somersault works with a bang - tomorrow the child will instantly shut down in a similar situation or enter into the image of a “war elephant” rushing with an apology.

Other forms of relationships flourish today between teacher and student. Thus, the modern school is filled with episodes in which a sincere apology from a teacher is received with hostility. That is, many children experience discomfort only because an adult apologizes to them. As a rule, such behavior indicates that in such families parents very rarely deign to explain their actions and are even less able to apologize for something to their own children. Case law works here too. Today, the ability to correctly present your apology is becoming increasingly relevant, especially if we are talking about secondary school as an institution that instills certain skills and gives positive clichés. But what is the correct way to apologize to a student or students? What forms or styles of apology should you “use”? What to do in ambiguous situations when the school management or parents get involved in interpersonal relationships? For answers to these and other questions, we turned to specialists from the Institute of Psychology. G. Kostyuk of the Academy of Pedagogical Sciences of Ukraine - to the candidate of psychological sciences, head of the laboratory of preschool child psychology, Svetlana Lady-vir and leading researcher Lesya Vovchik-Blakytna:

Vovchik-Blakytna: There are no recipes for how to apologize correctly. As for teenagers, they are very sensitive to truth and untruth. If the teacher himself realized that he was wrong and sincerely apologizes, the child always perceives this as normal. And then you don’t need to look for either a form or a concept on how to do it or present it. But if the order comes from above, the teacher, of course, will apologize differently.

Ladyvir: I think that any form is suitable if it is adequate to the situation that occurred. It all depends on the nature of the personal relationship between teacher and student. If we are talking about a team, then, of course, you need to apologize to everyone. If this is an intimate-personal relationship, then only one-on-one. A teacher should not be a Cerberus and a supervisor, but a mentor in the best sense of the word. According to Anton Semenovich Makarenko, first, as much love as possible for the child and only then demands. When the situation is clarified, the teacher and student must be on equal terms. Not “listen, you need to do this,” but “I really want you to hear me,” because “you didn’t think,” “didn’t pay attention,” “didn’t notice,” “didn’t take into account.” And there may even be this form: “don’t rush to agree with me,” if I know that this child is obstinate. That is, the adult must obviously have a subtext: I value you, respect you, and I want this situation to smooth out and not happen again. Any teacher should beware of personal judgments: “you’re bad,” “you’re rude,” “how dare you!” - no way. The most important thing is to understand the emotional state of the child. Then any adult will have fewer mistakes and will not have to apologize.

According to psychologists, many children do not distinguish between shades in relationships with teachers. That is, they cannot say exactly at what point the teacher insulted them, and when he simply showed coldness or was inattentive. And if you ask them what exactly the teacher is apologizing for, very often they begin to tell the whole situation without highlighting the real reason. Why?

Ladyvir: Firstly, the emotional sphere of the child is not protected. Secondly, he does not yet have experience in deceitful relationships. How do adults themselves apologize? Behavior. Rarely will anyone say, “Please excuse me. I was wrong (wrong).” And this starts from childhood. When they say to him, little one: “Go and apologize,” and he sulks - “No. I won’t!” And they tease him, they demand from him. But the point is not to extract this apology from him. It is not right. On the contrary, the current situation must be developed so that the desire to apologize comes out of the child itself. But instead, from kindergarten onwards, children learn the following form: “Look into your eyes, blink, show that you’re a good boy, and off you go.” That’s why it turns out that instead of coming and saying “Mommy, I’m sorry. The demon has confused me,” the child gets out of it or remains silent. The same thing happens at school.

Vovchik-Blakytna: The fact is that adolescent children perceive very keenly everything that concerns their personality, since it is at this age that the processes of formation of self-awareness are intense and self-esteem is developed. And these are all very subtle psychological processes that are accompanied by the development of certain defense mechanisms when a teenager, for example, creates a kind of psychological shell for himself. If he reacts to every hint, every remark, he will constantly be stressed. After all, children are extremely sensitive to even glances. It’s very easy to talk about how you love and respect everyone, but in reality, Vasya is in the wrong, because Vasya is still only in the fifth grade... Moreover, outwardly the teenager may not react in any way, but inside himself he will clearly record this. And if he “swallows” his protest, the problem will be driven inside, psychosomatic diseases will begin in the form of stomach ulcers or problems with the gastrointestinal tract. But the child does not need an apology to simply erase the conflict. He doesn't want to feel like a clown in a situation where a teacher asks for forgiveness only because of his parents or on the strong recommendation of the school principal.

In addition, we must take into account how accustomed children are to hearing words of apology at home. One child believes that the word “fool” is simple and familiar, while for another such treatment is unacceptable. There are families in which parents never apologize, believing that the child should simply apologize or forget. But it's not right. Children of any age need to say this out loud. Sometimes there are situations when a high school student says that he wants to take revenge on Marya Ivanovna because she did this and that to him in the third grade. The guy is already 17 years old, but this resentment still sits in him, he remembers it well.

As far as I know, the “parents pressed” option works very well in our schools. It’s one thing if elementary school students use it, and quite another thing in high school, when a 16-year-old boy or girl involves his mother or father in his relationship with Nina Alekseevna... Perhaps at this age a teenager should already be ready to regulate relationships with teachers yourself?

Vovchik-Blakytna: The problem here is that in our schools, in front of the teacher, the teenager feels defenseless and small, so in order to reinforce his strength, he leads his dad or mom. But if parents immediately run to school and start a scandal, this is the worst option. It is advisable that they do not immediately rush into the breach, but try first to understand the situation and discuss possible options for getting out of it. And if they go to a teacher, then not as a rival or enemy, but as a friend, colleague, with whom they guide children through life and teach them the ability to live among people.

Ladyvir: The situation that you outlined is an ideal option, starting from the third year of life, when the child wakes up to want, will, like, dislike. But not every child has the normal ability to express this. Moreover, a microgroup is completely different, especially if children from the very beginning have formed the attitude that the teacher is a king and a god whose demands must be fulfilled. Of course, a child should always have the opportunity to come and speak out; another thing is that, due to emotional, psychophysiological and hundreds of other reasons, this is not given to everyone. For this, there is a family that must take care of the interests of its child.

In general, these triangles are a very typical situation. Why? Because today the teacher does not have a normal relationship with every family. If in elementary school a teacher is a friend and mentor, then already in the fifth grade he becomes a subject specialist - a physicist, mathematician, biologist, etc. He has no time to pay close attention to the children's moods during the school curriculum. We have almost lost the educational function of the school, although everyone knows the slogan “personally oriented approach” today. It’s good that we finally realized how unspiritual the generation is. Yes, intellectually prepared, but with an absolutely shallow soul. But a school is also an educational institution that should help each child form value guidelines, show that good always triumphs over evil, even if this good stands on thin legs.