13 year old daughter fell in love. Daughter fell in love

Please help me, I don’t know what to do or how to react. My daughter fell in love with her 14 She is only 14 and he is 17 years old, help. I found out that they were walking together, they had common interests and common friends, I forbade my daughter to communicate with him and said “” if I find out that you are with him, then you won’t go out until the end of the summer and in general that she is too young to fall in love “”” she doesn’t talk to me, locks herself in the room and sits with headphones on for days. Help me, what did I do wrong and how should I react.

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Yulia!

My daughter fell in love with her 14 She is only 14 and he is 17 years old, help.

What are you worried about, Julia? There are a lot of emotions in these words... And these emotions force us to protect our daughter in this way:

if I find out that you are with him, then you won’t go out until the end of the summer and in general that she is too young to fall in love """

And your daughter’s reaction to your words:

doesn’t talk to me, locks himself in the room and sits with headphones on for days.

She protests against such injustice.

Help me what I did wrong and how I should react.

Now you should just talk to your daughter about her feelings! Yes, yes, acknowledge the possibility that she really has fallen in love and that your daughter is growing up. You should not reproach, read morals, lectures, forbid love... All this will only push her away from you and a huge gap will appear between you and your daughter. Try to become her friend now. Share her interests, invite the boy to your home, get to know him. Perhaps this will reduce your fears and fears.

If your worries do not decrease after this, contact us and we will discuss this in more detail!

Sincerely.

Alekseychuk Yulia Viktorovna, psychologist Yeisk

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Hello, Yulia! I understand your anxiety, you even feel panic.

Your letter only confirms that no matter how parents deny the fact that their child has grown up, and no matter how much they drive away the idea of ​​possible teenage falling in love, and even more so about teenage sex, almost no one can avoid it.

You ask:

what should I do and how should I react?

Unfortunately, you did everything you could to lose contact with your daughter. It’s a pity that you didn’t turn to a psychologist before you didn’t know what to do.

These are, of course, your fears. What are you most afraid of?

You ask:

what did I do wrong

Let's figure it out.

Irina, your daughter’s love must be taken for granted.

It seems to you that she is still too young for love and that this is not love at all. You chose the path of least resistance - you simply forbade your daughter to communicate with the object of her love.

However, such behavior tactics are far from the most correct. At first glance, everything can pass completely without a trace. However, in reality this is not at all the case - the child simply hides his resentment deep into the subconscious. And then, many years later, you shouldn’t wonder why your child pays you “protocol” courtesy visits several times a year, writing it off as being too busy.

However, this is not the most unpleasant of all that such a line of behavior can result in. As a rule, almost all children, without exception, in adulthood, having become parents themselves, will involuntarily, at the subconscious level, repeat the behavior of their parents. And that means their mistakes.

You ask:

how should I react

So, how to behave in this situation.

1) Talk to your daughter and try to find out what attracted your daughter to this guy.

2) Don't convert confidential conversation in moral teaching.

3) Meet your chosen one to get to know him better.

4) Let her make mistakes. First love can bring strong experiences. You will not be able to protect your daughter from various troubles in advance. Let him gain his experience.

5) Talk about contraception. You may think that it is too early to talk about this, but there is no need to be an ostrich with your head in the sand. Children today are growing up faster than two or three generations ago. And the lack of necessary knowledge, explosive emotions, increased hormonal background can play a cruel joke.

6) Try to tactfully explain to your daughter that first love does not necessarily last a lifetime. Let her realize that life path long, many more meetings await her ahead. Tell her about your first love (at the same time, remember when and how you had it).

7) Become a true and sincere friend to your daughter. After all, she is just entering adulthood, and timely advice from a parent will help her cope with her love experiences.
In first place now should be good relationship with my daughter.

You can handle it. It happens that we make mistakes because we are human.

Patience and wisdom to you.

Sincerely, Natalia Borisovna.

Natalia Borisovna Zhurbenko, psychologist, Yeisk

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Last time we talked to you about children's love, which comes to our babies before puberty. Today I propose to discuss teenage love, try to figure out what it is, how to respond correctly to your child’s feelings and help him cope with them.

Puberty is such a complex and mysterious stage of development in the lives of adolescents. At the age of 12-16 years, our children experience intense love, becoming more absent-minded, apathetic, their mood changes at the speed of sound, and their academic performance decreases. And it is the parents who in this situation must take on the role wise mentors to help their children get through this difficult time. After all, who knows in advance, what if your teenager met his fate?

You shouldn’t take the news of falling in love as a tragedy on a global scale and throw hysterics about it with wringing of hands, fainting and terrible thoughts in the style: “Oh, it’s too early for him to fall in love, he should only have studies in his head.” Remember yourself at this age, your experiences, tossing, fear of confessing to your parents, horror at the thought that someone else besides you will find out about your feelings. Do you remember? And how did you feel? If you are lucky and your parents supported you, do the same with your child. And, if you were unlucky as a teenager, and adults just brushed you off, slapping you on the wrist and punishing you along the way (as was the case with me), you shouldn’t do the same. The opinion that “I coped and survived, and therefore you can too,” can be fatal for your child. Unfortunately, the thought of suicide due to unrequited love and misunderstanding with parents visits teenagers quite often, so they can simply brush it off and not pay attention. If you see that something is wrong with a child, try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, frankly.

If a child falls in love, then it’s time.

You will have to come to terms with this - the child has grown up. He has grown so much that he is ready to love and accept love. And if you set boundaries: it’s too early for you or he (she) is not a match for you, you will lose the teenager’s trust. What to do, what to do? Let's turn to psychologists for help and see what they recommend.

1. To begin with, you should not elevate yourself above a teenager and put pressure on you with your parental authority - this will provoke a desire to act contrary to you.

2. Your child must understand that you are with him, that his problems are your problems, his experiences are your experiences and that you understand him perfectly.

3. You should not make fun of his feelings - they are too important for teenagers, and your ridicule can hurt him, alienating him from you.

4. Try to choose a calm form of communication so that there is no irritation or mutual aggression - children are already confused by the feelings that have arisen, and then their closest relatives and friends start scandals.

5. No one excludes the possibility that your child’s chosen one or chosen one does not quite correspond to your parental plans - however, it’s not your choice, in any case, in the most acute period of love, you certainly won’t do anything. You should not make fun of his sympathy by responding unflatteringly and derogatorily; it is better to find kind, affectionate words - it is easy to lose a child’s trust, but it is difficult to return it.

6. Super-caring parents will immediately try to give a lecture on the topic of early sexual activity, its dangers, diseases and consequences. Of course, sex education for teenagers is necessary, the main thing is not to overdo it and not provoke excessive interest in that very “forbidden fruit.”

7. To have a clear idea of ​​the object of your child’s adoration, invite him to visit. What will this give you? You will get to know him personally and form your own, objective opinion about him. And it’s better to let them see you at home, in front of your eyes, than somewhere in the gateways. Just don’t “strangle” young lovers with excessive care, give them a little freedom of action.

8. Choose a good moment and tell about your first love, your experiences, how and how it all ended, what experience you gained.

9. Do not prevent a teenager from making decisions on his own, to take a better look at his object of sympathy, even if he is disappointed in him - this will be his decision, not yours.

And how can you communicate with him, a lover?

A teenager in love does not fully understand what is happening to him: hormones are seething, his mood is up and down, sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Definitely, he needs your support: you are older, you are more experienced, after all, you have already been through this. And young Romeo and Juliet, who so want to be adults, are still on the path of gaining experience and your valuable advice, truthful answers to questions, openness and desire to help will be very helpful.

When a child is in love, he wants to be better, look more beautiful and neat. It's time to teach your offspring how to properly put things in a closet, how to take care of themselves, and a reminder about hygiene would be a good idea. You can go shopping together and pick up a few new things for your child, or beautiful accessories for a girl. In a word, accept active participation in the transformation of the child. Your offspring will definitely not hear lectures about their deteriorating studies, but careful conversations on this topic are still worth having. Try to convey to him that quality education is an excellent start for the future and love in this matter is not a hindrance, but on the contrary, an excellent helper. Help plan your day in such a way that you can complete homework sufficient time was given.

Of course, it’s easy to give advice and you can write anything you want, but let’s talk honestly, parents. Answer me this question: Are you scared of your teenager falling in love? Why? What exactly is the source of anxiety? Fear that your child may experience unrequited love? What will suffer and do a bunch of stupid things in this state? Or do you personally not want to worry about this?

In any case, whatever your answers, remember that this is your child, but not property. And he grows, his problems and difficulties also take on a more adult character. Whether you like it or not, he is in love. And it is in your power to help him cope with this avalanche of emotions that are still incomprehensible, let the child feel that you are with him, you are nearby and will always help. Throw your fears and parental jealousy out of your head - they are not helping you. Our children deserve respect, they do not need prohibitions and boundaries, they need our support and love.

Romeo and Juliet - reverse side love.

Let's talk a little about bad habits. Above, I already cited as an example the advice of a psychologist that it is better to get to know the object of your child’s adoration in person. And if you notice that something is wrong with your chosen one, do not rush to immediately throw him out the door. It’s better to talk to your teenager later and try to find out in more detail who his chosen one is and from what family. The age of 14-16 years is a time of experimentation, when yesterday’s children try to imitate adults: they try smoking, get acquainted with alcohol, alas, but also with drugs. And here it is important not to miss the moment when a teenager turns from an interested person to an addict.

Sports, all kinds of interest groups, sections - this is the distraction that will help you protect your teenager from an early introduction to adult life. There is no point in scolding, punishing, and even more so beating. As I wrote above, this can provoke action “in spite of”. Conversations that are even better supported by relevant literature will be more effective.

Due to misunderstandings with my parents, I started smoking at the age of 13, and by the age of 15 I became acquainted with alcohol. All this was done in spite of parental prohibitions: don’t go, don’t play, stay at home and study. It is a miracle that with such behavior I did not end up in bad company, but graduated from school decently and was able to enter a university and receive a higher education.

The first sexual experience is also acquired at this age: some learn to kiss, and some acquire a sexual partner. And here it is worth reminding you that conversations with your children about sex education should begin with early childhood, presenting information according to the age of your child. A teenager who knows where and how children come from, what sex is and what the consequences can be is unlikely to want full intimacy at this age.

Let's summarize.

Love is, of course, always wonderful! This is a feeling that elevates a person, motivating him to take actions that were previously unusual for him. This is a set of emotions that cannot be described in one sentence, but without this feeling human life not perfect. And when our children fall in love, we should not disturb them by creating an obstacle course on the way to the object of their affection. Help them, so young and inexperienced, teach them to respect their chosen ones, to appreciate, to be sensitive and attentive, and caring.

Remember, dear parents, that now you are helping your child learn to love, and how closely and sincerely you take part in his life depends on how he will build relationships with the opposite sex in adulthood.

Valeria Protasova

Reading time: 4 minutes

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Love (as in the song) will come unexpectedly... And, of course, at the very moment when you are not expecting it at all. The effect of surprise is enhanced by the fact that love suddenly appeared not for someone hypothetical, but for your own child. She just came, struck the child in the very heart and left you at a loss and with the only question - how to behave?

Read also: How and when to tell your child about sex?

The main thing, dear parents, is not to panic. And don’t break the wood - The child’s feelings are now more important than your opinion about the object of his love. So, what to do and what not to do when your child falls in love...

• Love can take a child by surprise anywhere - in the sandbox, at school, in kindergarten, at sea, etc. Well, you yourself probably remember. Any parent will notice changes in the child immediately - the eyes are sparkling, the look is mysterious, the smile is enigmatic, the rest depends on the situation. A child at any age takes his experiences and worries very seriously - even at 15 years old, even at 5. First love is always a unique phenomenon. The child is very vulnerable and vulnerable during this period, so no sharp attacks - “he’s not a match for you”, “my dad and I don’t like him”, “this will pass”, etc. Be extremely tactful and careful!

• The development of the situation directly affects the child’s personal life in the future, his attitude towards the opposite sex and towards the union of hearts in general. Be patient. Your task now is to be a “buffer,” a pillow, a vest, or anything else, so that the child has the opportunity to boldly share his experiences with you, feel your support, and not be afraid of your irony and jokes. Even if you don't like your child's choice, don't show your rejection. It is quite possible that this is your future daughter-in-law or son-in-law (this also happens). If the lovers' relationship is interrupted, stay true friend to your child.
• Remember that for a child, starting from 6-7 years old, love can become a fairly strong and long-lasting emotional attachment. Despite the fact that the love of a teenager differs from the love of a child of 6-8 years old, the strength of feeling is very powerful in both. In a teenager, physical attraction is added to the feeling, which, of course, leads parents into panic - “wouldn’t they become grandparents ahead of time.” Be alert, be close, have a heartfelt conversation with the child, discreetly explaining what is good and bad. But don’t forbid, don’t force, don’t dictate – be a friend. Even if you find a “rubber product” in your son’s (daughter’s) table (bag), do not panic. First of all, this means that your child approaches the issue of intimacy with responsibility, and secondly, that your child (unnoticed by you) has matured.
• Children 6-8 years old do not have that “adult” persistence in relation to the object of love, they do not know how to get attention, how to respond to a compliment, and this confusion significantly complicates the child’s life. There is no need to touchingly push your child into a relationship - “be brave, son, be a man,” but if you feel that the child needs help, find tactful words and good advice – how to win a girl’s attention, what not to do, how to respond to signs of attention, etc. Many boys in love are ready for heroic deeds, but their parents did not teach them (by example, advice) how to behave. As a result, the boy in love pulls his chosen one by the pigtails, hides her backpack in the school toilet, or provokes her with harsh expressions. Teach your child to be a real man from childhood. It's about the same story with girls. Usually they hit their chosen ones on the top of their heads with pencil cases, aggressively rush after them during breaks, or hide in the toilet after unexpected confessions. Teach girls to accept (or not accept) advances with dignity.

• If you are faced with the question of your child falling in love, then think first not about your feelings and attitude towards this phenomenon, but about the state of the child himself . Most often for a child (younger school age) first love is confusion, shyness and fear that they will not understand and will be rejected. Overcoming the barrier between children usually occurs through the play context of communication - find such an opportunity for children (a joint trip, a club, a section, etc.) and the barrier will disappear, and the child will feel more confident.
• Teenagers do not need a gaming context of communication – the games there are already different, and, as a rule, there are no problems at the points of contact. But there is such an intensity of passions that mothers have to drink valerian every evening (the child has grown up, but it is difficult to accept this fact), and then, in most cases, reassure and convince that life does not end with separation. A teenager's feelings are no less vulnerable. Be extremely tactful. You need to react to the revelations of your son or daughter not from the position of your own experiences, but from the position of the child’s experiences.
• The child trusted you and told you about his love. What would be the wrong reaction? “What kind of love is there at your age!” - error. Take the confession seriously, justify the child’s trust (you will really need it when your child falls in love as an adult). “Yes, you will have a thousand more of these Len!” - error. You don’t want your child to subsequently perceive any personal relationship superficially, as a temporary and insignificant process? But it doesn’t hurt to explain that feelings are tested by time. “Yeah, don’t make fun of my slippers...” is a mistake. By teasing, mocking, mocking the child’s feelings, you humiliate your own child. Get on the same wavelength as your child. Finally, remember yourself. With your support, it will be easier for your child to go through this stage of growing up. And if your sense of humor runs ahead of you, use it wisely. For example, tell your child something funny story from your own (or someone else’s) experience to encourage your child and add confidence to him.
• It is strictly not recommended to share “amazing news” with relatives and friends - they say, “but ours fell in love!” The child trusted you with his secret. It is your responsibility to preserve it.

• Is it worth getting into a relationship and using your parental “levers” to end it? As for the position “only over my corpse!” - it is obviously incorrect. The child has his own path, your views may not coincide - the sooner you understand this, the higher the child’s threshold of trust in you will be. Exception: when the child may be in any danger.
• Is it worth participating in the development of relationships? Again, getting involved in other people's relationships is not recommended. Help may be needed only in a few cases: when a child wants to take the initiative, but does not know exactly how. When a child needs money to surprise (buy a gift) for his chosen one. When a child is openly manipulated - for example, they demand to “punch the offender in the face.” In this case, you should carefully talk with the child’s chosen one and with himself, find out the essence of the problem and give the right parental advice. Or when a child terrorizes an object of sympathy or competitors (the child needs to be explained that there are more adequate and effective ways expressions of feelings).
• Don't make your teen feel uncomfortable by being too controlling. There is no need to sit with binoculars by the window when the children are walking together, call every 5 minutes or constantly look into the room with “cookies and tea”. Trust your child. But be careful. As for little lovers, they also feel constrained under the parental “sight.” So just pretend to be minding your own business or communicating with people.

First love is not a whim. This strong feeling And new stage your child's growing up. Helping the child in this process of personality development, you are laying the foundation that the child will use in future relationships with the opposite sex.

Share with your child his feelings and his joy , and always be ready to help, support and console.

Have there been similar situations in your life? How did you react to your child's love? Share your stories in the comments below!

There is no answer to the question of when you can start a “relationship”, it’s all individual. An important role in this regard is given to mutual understanding between parents and children during adolescence. You need to be very careful about your daughter’s first crush. After all, how the child will perceive romantic relationship in more mature age and even how family life will be built.

Teenage girl's first love

Do you remember your first crush? How butterflies tickled in my stomach and the whole world was pink color... There is no need to worry if your daughter has fallen in love. Of course, she is still a child for you and will forever remain a little baby, but, as you know, feelings are not subject to age.

For a teenage girl, adolescence can be completely unpredictable. Some young ladies begin to dress up in dresses, put on makeup and pay attention to boys. Others change their style to “unisex” and throw themselves into some hobby. But regardless of the uniqueness of your daughter, her social circle and how busy she is during the day, falling in love can come suddenly. And then not only your daughter will lose peace, but you too.

Which typical mistake What do parents do when they find out their daughter is in love?

First place in the ranking of parental mistakes rightfully belongs to neglect of the child’s feelings. Many parents allow themselves to take their daughter’s first love lightly and believe that the “problem” will soon resolve itself. And it doesn’t matter at all why they behave this way - they are busy at work, are not aware of their daughter’s life, or they are “caught up” with a lot of household chores. There is no justification for such a reaction, because only with the help of the people closest to her in life, namely her parents, will the daughter be able to correctly respond to the surging emotions and understand them.

Parents should observe the child's behavior and respond to the slightest signals. If the daughter is overtaken by her first love, it can be expressed like this:

Some girls withdraw into themselves;

Others share new feelings with friends and family;

Still others awaken to poetic talent.

The bravest ones admit their sympathy for their chosen one, while others, on the contrary, show demonstrative indifference and coldness.

But the most negative output from a situation - when a girl, against the backdrop of her first love, begins to take drugs or alcohol. Therefore, parents should not be dismissive and frivolous about the feelings of such a young and very vulnerable person!

There is no need to lose calm and self-control; it is worth showing your daughter by your own example that first love is a wonderful period that every person has gone through. And if you treat it correctly, you can carry warm memories throughout your life.

It would be an unacceptable mistake to tell a child that the first crush is not serious, does not deserve attention, and that everything will soon pass. This way, you risk becoming very distant from your daughter, and in the future she is unlikely to share her personal problems and experiences with you, because she will think that her parents are indifferent to them.

This may sound banal, but remember yourself at her age. What would you like to hear from your parents then? Do not lecture your child, do not scold or tell him what to do. Listen and give friendly advice, this is guaranteed to help ease the situation and relieve tension in the family.

What to do if children's love is mutual?

The ideal situation would be a case of mutual love, when the boy also shows a desire to communicate with your daughter and spend more time together. In this case, the parents’ task is to explanatory work and explain possible consequences from certain actions.

From an early age, a girl must be instilled with the correct model of behavior with the opposite sex and lay the foundations of sex education. It is extremely important to maintain a friendly tone and not become moralizing. No matter how difficult it may be for you, try to see in front of you an adult who needs support and advice, and not your little baby who has just crawled out of the sandbox.

A common problem in this case is an overly critical attitude towards the daughter’s chosen one. It is natural that every parent dreams of seeing a prince or, at least, the most intelligent teenager in the world next to their girl. But most often, when meeting someone, he gets an ordinary guy from neighboring yard. Indignation and criticism will not lead to anything good and can only provoke rebellion. Everyone knows that adolescence does not provide for a child’s normal perception of the parents’ opinions.

Take a good look at the guy and try to cool your ardor. Surely, after a few days, he will no longer seem like a serious threat to you and will become an acceptable option for your first relationship.

If a young man really has a detrimental effect on your child, he vaccinates bad habits and shows a disrespectful attitude not only towards you, but also towards her, then in no case should you turn a blind eye to this. A confidential conversation, during which you open your child’s eyes to what is happening as loyally and calmly as possible, can be a solution to the problem.

It is necessary to make it clear to the daughter that she is loved and will not allow anyone to offend her, but when it comes to falling in love, not only teenagers, but also adults lose the ability to think soberly. Therefore, it is better for her to listen to the advice of people who see the situation from the outside.

A ban on communication with a young man is a radical solution, which should be resorted to only in extreme and most extreme cases. difficult situations. Parents must understand that it is impossible and beyond even their control to prevent all possible troubles and difficulties. And mistakes, sometimes painful and difficult, strengthen character and make the child stronger and more resilient before future life trials.

How should parents behave when their child is in unrequited love?

There is no person on earth who has not at least once experienced the feeling of unrequited love. It's difficult to find words to describe these feelings. On the one hand, this is the most inspiring period, and on the other hand, it is a time filled with tears, suffering and sometimes completely thoughtless actions.

If you find out that your daughter’s love is not reciprocated, you should not let the situation develop by itself and think that everything will resolve itself. Girls are very sensitive; unrequited feelings can negatively affect a child's self-esteem and cause problems in the future. A gentle, confidential and calm conversation would be an excellent solution. Find out all the details about the object of your daughter's affection and find out why she believes that her feelings are not reciprocated.

Explain that no one is immune from this and there is nothing wrong with it. People in every corner globe fall in love or suffer from unrequited feelings. It is important to learn to perceive the situation correctly and take only positive experiences from it.

You can also advise your daughter to be the first to show her sympathy and make sure whether the feelings are truly unrequited. After all, there is a possibility that the boy you like is shy or simply doesn’t know how to show his feelings. There is no shame in being brave and not being afraid to express your affection, even if her actions are not understood. This way you will develop a self-confident person who will not be afraid of other people's opinions.

If your chosen one ridicules or shows disdain for your child, then you should explain to your daughter that the boy simply has not grown up to her level emotional development. Be patient and tactful. Most likely, after some time, your girl will come to the conclusion that the boy is not worthy of her.

If your child has become irritable and constantly cries, change the environment - go to the park, spend the weekend together, go on an excursion or go to visit your beloved grandmother.

We invite you to familiarize yourself with the popular and effective parental rule of three “don’ts,” by adhering to which you will protect your daughter from psychological trauma due to her first love:

1. DO NOT express a negative and categorical opinion about your daughter’s chosen one.

2. DO NOT push, respect your child's personality and allow her to have her own experiences.

Distracted from her “troubles”, the daughter will gradually cope with the problem; it is important to always be there and be able to lend a helping hand in time.