What to do if the enemy has the same name? Colleague - Screamer

“I can’t work with him!” - if this thought regularly comes to your mind about one of your colleagues, it means that the whole team has a problem. Reaching an agreement with a person you don’t like is an important and difficult task for any company or organization. The book “Teaming the Enemy” by negotiator Adam Kahane will help you establish contact.

Demonize it

We tend to label and make enemies out of people just because we cannot understand the essence of our differences. This is the demonization that political strategists and propaganda media love to use. Those who are not like us, whom we consider different, often acquire the characteristics of an enemy in our minds. “Vatniki” and “liberals”, “infidels” and “in large numbers” - all these are labels that we hang on those whom we consider strangers.

This psychological mechanism acts not only in big politics, but also in everyday life. Married couple comes to a psychotherapist, and each partner complains that everything is the other’s fault. By demonizing someone, we demand happiness for ourselves. It’s as if we are convincing the whole world that the conflict is not and cannot be our fault.

Demonizing the other side brings relief for a short time. This mechanism only intensifies conflicts, narrows the number of solutions and leaves no room for a positive breakthrough.

The problem of collaboration arises when we say, “I can never work with these people!” We are convinced that these people's values ​​are different from ours, that they are false and bad. It’s convenient for us to think this way in order to feel safe.

We worry that if we have to work with people who are different from us, we may have to question our own views and test them for strength. Few people like this.

Enemies are our fears

The “I’m right and you’re wrong” attitude is not suitable for fruitful negotiations, writes Adam Kahane. It very quickly turns into another attitude: “I must be in charge, and you must obey me.” If during negotiations we do not look for points of rapprochement, but play for power and authority, things will not move forward.

When we are confident that we are right, we stop hearing other people. Cooperation should not be limited to finding a single solution. The main task is to find reasons that will allow both parties to move forward, despite the difference in goals and interests.

When life is at stake

Adam Kahane places a lot of emphasis in the book on “intense cooperation,” a set of techniques in situations where conflict is explosive, the stakes are extremely high, but everyone needs to move forward. Here is one of bright examples such a situation.

In 1996, famous Colombian politician Juan Manuel Santos invited Kahane to finally solve the problems of violence and drug trafficking in the country. He called to the negotiating table all the parties between whom there was no agreement: the military, partisans, bandits, civil activists, politicians, landowners and peasants.

The meeting lasted 10 days. The warring factions initially threatened each other. But gradually they began to communicate.

One evening, the head of one of the leftist militant groups, Caicedo, and the commander of the right, Duque, stayed after the official part of the negotiations to continue the discussion. The next day, Caicedo did not show up for the meeting. Many people have anxious thoughts, but he eventually came and calmed those present. It was only several years later that Kahane learned what really happened that night.

In the morning, Duque went to the camp of his comrades in the jungle. There he was informed that they had found Caicedo's headquarters and had already sent fighters to kill him. In response, Duque demanded that the operation be urgently cancelled. “We can’t kill him, we are working as a team on important issues countries!" - the commander of his comrades convinced.

Kahane realized in practice that even those who are ready to kill each other because of irreconcilable differences can work together for a common cause.

In 2010, Santos was elected president of Colombia, and he introduced the government's "Strength in Unity" program, which he launched 14 years ago by organizing those very negotiations. In 2016, Santos received Nobel Prize the world for making the diplomatic process work and making Colombia safer.

To understand how to cooperate with people you don't like or agree with, you need to reconsider the attitudes that any of us have and start acting by new rules.

1. Remember the team. The people we work with are part of the same team. And this is the main thing. As a rule, we maintain harmonious relationships within the team, but with intense cooperation we have to be flexible.

The views and interests of team members vary widely, and members may act of their own free will. This must be accepted in order to achieve results.

2. Set specific and immediate goals. In the standard collaboration model, we focus on clear achievements and a single solution, agreeing on a common plan and implementing it. This doesn't work in intense collaboration: team members don't trust each other, and results can be unpredictable. You have to experiment with different points of view, move step by step, set goals quickly achievable goals and make flexible decisions.

3. Define your role. At work, we are more often focused on getting people on our side. That is, we want others to change, but we ourselves do not want to change. It works when you are in a team of like-minded people. But with a more complex negotiation model, this approach is unsuccessful. Therefore, each team member must be open to change and remember that he plays his part, does his part of the work and does not make decisions for the entire team.

How to listen to your partner

How we speak and listen plays an important role in collaboration. There are four communication patterns within a team. Many people use some of them intuitively, but they are worth understanding in order to use them more effectively.

Negotiators listen only to themselves and their story. They are deaf to the arguments of others and perceive only what confirms their position (“I know this”). There is only one goal, one strategy, one the right decision. All other arguments are ignored.

2. Discussion. The parties listen to the facts and evaluate them as objectively as possible (“This is right, this is wrong”). During a discussion, a clash of ideas occurs, as a result, some win, some don’t. It's more open view communication than downloading. Everyone understands that they are expressing their personal views and not the absolute truth.

3. Dialogue. This is where emotions come into play, and personal contact between the negotiators arises (“I understand what you mean”). The parties are considering common problem(“In my experience...”). This type of communication opens up new opportunities for cooperation with enemies.

4. Feeling presence. Most high level contact. Negotiators have a sense of a common goal: it takes into account individual interests each, but it surpasses them in scale.

Negotiators simultaneously hear each of those present and understand the entire process as a whole. The boundaries between partners disappear - this is a sure sign that the negotiation system is working for the common good.

All four approaches can be used when collaborating with those we dislike. The main thing here is the ability to move from one stage to another, to be flexible and not be afraid to look beyond your own interests.

Question to a psychologist

Good afternoon! I work as an accountant! Age 28 years! The team is female, like many in the accounting department, not friendly! The team is mostly young, the director is young! When a new director came to the management of the company, the composition of the team was updated accordingly! As they say, the new broom is The new one is welcome! There are only a few left from the old staff, including me! Maybe I’m not entirely modest about myself, but as a specialist, I’m executive, responsible, disciplined, and it so happens that out of the entire staff, I’m the most well-to-do, I’m always dressed to the nines, with shoes on, manicure, hairdresser, car, home repairs, I get paid well at my main place of work and also work at home as an accountant for several small companies! I come from an ordinary family, I don’t have a husband, I earn everything myself! And this is probably what worries our employees! I don’t take part in gossip !And based on everything described above, I can say that most likely they don’t like me! In general, in principle, I’m not scandalous and patient, but if you touch me, I’ll easily fight back with words! The director treats me well as a human being, not a single one He didn’t raise his voice at me once! But once he called me and calmly said that they were telling him that I was supposedly in the main working hours I don’t work at my job, but I work part-time for companies! Although this has never happened, and no one will ever catch me hand in hand with papers from other companies! But people have evil tongues! The director has a driver, also young, who is essentially not a driver , and the washer of his company car! He lives with a girl! This driver contributed to his girlfriend being accepted to us! As a stupid employee, she doesn’t understand anything at all, only her self-esteem is rampant! As soon as she came to us, the team quarreled even more! Where is she? I wouldn’t work, there would be a scandal everywhere! If I were a manager, I wouldn’t keep her - stupid! And I have the impression that they are watching me in order to then drop something to the director! The driver himself graduated from the PU, but he walks out of the director’s expensive car as if it were his own! His girlfriend also doesn’t have any special marks for her work! These observations of me are becoming clearer and clearer every day! One day they can say hello, the other day they can’t! In fact, I haven’t missed a single time , from the fact that these people specifically greet me or not! I just want to make it clear that you are nothing of yourself and I am not interested in you, and you don’t touch me with your behavior! Of course, it may seem that this hurts me! I think or continue to work silently or tell them something on some occasion that it would be better to engage in personal development? It’s just that the fact that people without any education, without any work experience, without prospects “build weather"! PS. Thank you for your understanding and answers!

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Yulia. I noticed that you not only criticize others, but are also dissatisfied with yourself. And this is the primary symptom. If a person is dissatisfied with himself, then it will seem to him that everyone is dissatisfied with him, and further, he will build a dissatisfied attitude towards his colleagues. This entire corrupt system is unconscious and is located inside a person who is dissatisfied with the team. Normally, when a person has no self-criticism, he will get along in any team, no matter what the team will be. Since a stable, positive atmosphere within oneself is hundreds of times more priority than micro unrest within the team. Therefore, a person who is confident in his solidity is indifferent to typhoons and tornadoes between employees, their bosses and drivers. Therefore, if you want to find peace in the team, coming to it as a positive and tolerant environment, positivity and patience are important create for yourself within yourself. Accept yourself as glorious, unique, sweet, adored, precious, loved for yourself. Then an internal immunity to sensitivity to microtraumas will appear, and you will stop noticing them. So like, in the center attention only to you and your kind attitude towards yourself, your loved one. If you want to become like this, the help of a psychoanalyst (psychotherapist) is effective. This is a long-term course work over yourself, which will complete your identity and build immunity to unpredictability in social relationships. A bonus from such work will even be your new popularity in the team, against the backdrop of harmony with yourself at all times.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychanalyst Volgograd

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I just want to make it clear that you are nothing and I’m not interested in you, and you don’t touch me with your behavior! Of course, it may seem that this offends me!

Julia, “making it clear” means “spending energy on it.” And if a person “wastes energy”, then it becomes clear to your offender that he has hit the mark, that he has offended you, and he can begin to “harm” even more.

Therefore, the most competent line of behavior is to calmly, without “ostentatiously ignoring” - to say hello and pass by. Just like in the cartoon - “we smile and wave” (and show a fig with our toes).

Pyotr Yuryevich Lizyaev, psychologist and psychotherapist
Face-to-face consultations/psychotherapy in Moscow - individually and in a group, as well as via Skype.

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I don’t have a husband, I earn everything myself! and this is probably what worries our employees

Julia, this doesn’t bother them, because people don’t care about other people’s lives at all.

The director treats me well as a human being, he hasn’t raised his voice at me even once

This means that you work well and know how to properly build relationships with your superiors.

The fact that people slander you is the norm for any team. Someone wants to take your place, someone was offended, someone is jealous of your fast career. This will always be the case in any team. You should not look for the reason for such an attitude in yourself, or, on the contrary, consider everyone envious and ill-wishers. Try to establish warmer contacts with people in your circle so that you have your own “support group”. And just ignore the rest. If they are openly fighting, fight back, as you have done so far. But why would you fight with people who, as you write, are lower in status than you? They have different values ​​and priorities in life, you will never understand each other and will not take each other’s position. They consider you, apparently, an arrogant bore, and you consider them primitive. Telling them something within the framework of your life concepts will not change anything, you will only make it worse. Set boundaries in communication, do not allow open disrespectful treatment, but hidden hostility is easier and more strategically correct to ignore. But ignoring is not like “being silent on the outside, but everything is boiling inside” - it doesn’t work. People always feel your condition. They understand how you are seething, and feel satisfaction that they were able to hook you to the quick. You need to internally separate yourself from this feeling that someone’s words and relationships are causing you damage; psychotherapy or simply working with yourself will help you with this. Try to concentrate on your personal goals, update them and not overestimate the value of other people’s attitude towards you. This is the norm - ill-wishers in the team, everyone always has them. Moreover, your environment is full of people who do not particularly like you, and who do not particularly like you. This is completely natural in human society, we are different, and everyone goes their own way without interfering with others.

It’s really starting to bother me that people without any education, without any work experience, without prospects are “making the weather”

Education and experience give preferences to management, so management values ​​you, no problem. And the fact that you want everyone to appreciate you is high expectations, which harm you.

Julia, you have achieved a lot in life, so continue to focus on it, and not on people with whom you have nothing in common.

Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna, psychologist Moscow

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Each of us knows people who are distinguished by their ability to poison life with their comments, sarcasm or stupid jokes. It could be anyone - a boss, a neighbor or a friend's husband - a person around whom you constantly feel out of place, and the mere sight of whom spoils your mood. Take it for granted. The sages say that the most dangerous enemy is complete absence enemies.

So don’t wring your hands in despair and don’t hang your head meekly. Learn to behave beautifully and take advantage of your ill-wishers. After all, our opponents are the first to notice our mistakes (thus allowing us to correct the situation). Learn to distinguish when the source of conflict is in your offender, and when it is in yourself. Recognize the enemy by sight and... smile, respond, have pity - in general, act smartly and depending on the situation.

10 ways to deal with an ill-wisher

Completely stop communicating with unpleasant person- the method is the simplest, but, unfortunately, practically impossible (especially if we're talking about about work!). We recommend others:

1. Act as if nothing happened. Like any disease, hostility eventually passes. Try to wait it out. This works when you are calm internally and are not very worried about attacks directed at you.

2. Legitimize your relationship. Say it loudly: “We are good old enemies.” After this, you can easily respond in kind to all the “witty” jokes.

3. Be honest. Don't be afraid to openly admit the insoluble contradictions that exist between you. You can try to disarm a person who is against you, a simple question: “Did I understand you correctly, do you really want to hurt me?”

4. Try to make contact. If you feel hostility for the first time, try to communicate more with this person. Try to treat him like a friend: emphasize your similarities (you and I are so emotional!), common positions (I also think a man should be kept under control), seek advice (I don’t know what to do with my naughty cat), share some secret (give free rein to your imagination - don’t even think about giving your enemy a real secret).

5. Be resourceful. One way to put an end to hateful comments is to offer a witty response. The goal is to make the person understand the inappropriateness of his comment without insulting him or stooping to his level. You could say this: “Do you think I can’t do my job? I think it's only ours general manager resolves these issues..."

6. Never mind. Sometimes you are so affected by what was said to you that you cannot forget it for a long time. In this case, you need to stop the chain of thoughts about what happened. To do this, relax and then say out loud the word “enough.” After that, try to occupy your brain with something more pleasant and useful.

7. Fight back directly. Suppose fate gave you a situation: an ill-wisher slanderes you, thinking that you don’t hear him, and you are quite close. Come up and just say: “It’s a pity that you have such an opinion about me, but the most unpleasant thing is that you don’t express it to me directly, but whisper behind my back.”

8. If all else fails, make yourself heard. This is not best method, but often effective. There are people you just need to raise your voice to let them know what's in front of them. strong man. Once you silence him, lower your voice, because you are not going to start a fight.

9. Try to be nice. Don’t forget that “difficult” people are often insecure, and their behavior is nothing more than an expression of their complexes and dissatisfaction with life. Sometimes kind word, kindness completely disarms them. Try.

10. Be taller. The motto of tyrants is “If the enemy does not surrender, he is destroyed.” But don't blindly follow these tips. Remember, you always have a choice: continue to experience unpleasant feelings, step aside, or benefit even from ill will.

Start with yourself

Before you analyze the behavior of others, think about what you are doing wrong. Perhaps you provoke people and turn them into enemies yourself. If you (with the best intentions) say to your employee: “Poor thing, your legs are so crooked...”, it is quite logical that she will refuse to help you complete the urgent work, and then at a general meeting she will say that she herself can easily complete such a task, and much faster. Are you proud that you never remained silent and never replaced the bitter truth with a lie? Try to feel sorry for people. And maybe there will be fewer ill-wishers.

“Genius and villainy are two incompatible things,” said Pushkin. This is true. But for some reason there is always a villain next to a good genius. Maybe this is necessary for creativity? By biasedly and critically examining us and our actions, our enemies force us to improve. Thanks to them for this. The ability to perceive the injections of ill-wishers as a kind of vaccine is the lot of strong natures. Learn this too!

But, unfortunately, such an opportunity is not always available. In the case when these ill-wishers are in the same team with you, the most correct thing is to inform them that this is not a secret for you. It is better to do this in front of everyone and in a joking tone. By doing this you will knock the cards out of the hands of your enemies, since now their machinations have a justified reason, which has become clear to everyone.

Be calm and let them “get over” their anger and hatred. It also happens that this is a character trait and they simply need to experience such feelings for someone. Not seeing you as a frightened victim, they may lose interest in you and move on to someone else.

Do not react painfully to the attacks of an ill-wisher, do not show that this is unpleasant for you. Nothing affects people like your confidence and strength. Use your sense of humor, make your ill-wisher the subject of ridicule so that he simply fears you. Feel weak point and make him the target of your “harmless” teasing - they will start to bypass you.

Sometimes hostility is caused by complexes and self-doubt. Try to act “by contradiction” and, feeling your colleague’s hostility, on the contrary, begin to treat him with emphatic politeness, respect and kindness. Such people can be very vulnerable internally and interpret your indifference as neglect. If they see that you treat them well, then their hatred will pass.

Try not to give a reason or become a target for an unkind attitude towards yourself. Do not participate in intrigues, do not join any groups and do not spread gossip. Do your work conscientiously and efficiently, without shifting it onto the shoulders of others. Be polite to everyone, behave evenly and friendly towards everyone. Sane and adequate people simply will not feel anger or other negative emotions towards you.

Video on the topic

The attitude towards the university is often extremely negative. This depends on many reasons, and if you get rid of them you will be able to enjoy your student life to the fullest.

Firstly, you need to change your attitude towards learning. If learning only causes negative emotions, then finding goals and motives will help change the situation. For example, you want to become a highly qualified specialist and earn a lot of money. To do this you need to know the theory very well. This is a great reason to fall in love with classes and change your attitude towards the university.

Secondly, you need to establish relationships with your classmates. Poor communication can be a very serious barrier to a happy student life. If you are an introvert by nature, try to change your habits and start meaningful communication. This will create an additional incentive to attend classes, and the university may become your favorite place.

Third, find additional opportunities to achieve your goals. Many universities offer exchange programs with foreign institutions, which will allow you to see countries around the world and thoroughly explore foreign language. In addition to this, there are many other advantages that a university can provide: the development of creative abilities, development in the field of science, etc.

Video on the topic

Life is such that people, even calm, non-conflict, well-mannered people can have enemies. The most natural reaction is to respond to your ardent ill-wisher with counter-hostility. Mutual hatred can last for many years. Humanly speaking, this is understandable. But it’s better to overcome yourself, change your attitude towards the enemy and try to reconcile.

Instructions

If you are a believer, remember that all major world religions call for being lenient towards the mistakes, shortcomings and even vices of other people, and forgiving your enemies. “Judge not, lest ye be judged!” - this is one of the commandments of Christianity. And feelings such as anger and hatred are considered grave sins. If you just can’t soften up or forgive your enemy, talk to a clergyman, tell him openly about this problem.

Think about this too. It is extremely rare that in a conflict that has led to strong quarrel, and as a result - to enmity, only one side is guilty. Most people tend to justify themselves and condemn others. Nevertheless, try to remember how the hostility began in the first place, objectively and impartially analyze your behavior and find the answer to the question: was it not your fault that what happened? Maybe you behaved tactlessly, offended this person, or one of his family or friends (even unintentionally)? In the case when you self-critically admit that you also bear your share of responsibility for the enmity that happened, it will be much easier for you to change your attitude towards your ill-wisher, and also try to reconcile.