Who has experienced the loss of an adult child. Lost my son

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“I like to talk about my Matvey - he was so bright, talented, spiritually generous... It’s terrible that every time I talk about him, I have to start with tragedy and grief. And each time answer the same questions: “How long has it been?..” But what difference does it make, how long! He's not here right now, all the time. People think pain is hardest to bear when it is fresh. But they are wrong. The hardest thing every time is to start a story about him with his death, instead of talking about his life. He was the exact opposite of suffering. And what’s important is not that he died, but that we were together all these wonderful years when I had the opportunity to be close and get to know him, get to know him. But few people can or want to understand this. When something terrible happens, they take you by the arm, cry with you, and this is natural and necessary, as if touching your body is the only way to keep you alive. And then at some point there’s simply no one around. Little by little, emptiness and silence envelops you. And a time comes when you no longer have the right to speak, because no one has the desire to listen to you.

You see how other people's children grow up, how others become grandparents - how I dreamed of grandchildren! - and you don’t understand what to do with this other people’s happiness, which makes you burn from the inside. When you meet someone with friends, you dread the inevitable question:

- Do you have children?

- Yes, son.

- What does he do?..

When Matvey was born, I was very young and I had no one to talk to about him, because none of my friends had children yet. And today it’s the same again. Or, on the contrary, they begin to tell me in detail about their children, as if trying to make up for my loss. They don’t understand anything, and you have to adapt to them all the time, you learn to remain silent, dodge or change the subject. And not answer anything when the anniversary passes and they say to you: “I thought about you a lot, but somehow I didn’t dare to call.” And how I wish they could be resolved... I even went to a psychotherapist to learn how to live with others. And so that there is someone to say this word that no one wants to hear. I paid to be listened to and helped to find a word that could describe what I had become: neither a widow nor an orphan. I understood that there was simply no word for people like me. What do you call a parent who has lost their child? Once upon a time in the old days, not only a child, but also a parent was called an orphan, but today this meaning has been lost. I started looking for this word in other languages. It turned out that he was not there! In one book I read: “Even in Russian such a word does not exist.” I know that sometimes words are made up, and I would like to see such a word re-invented. Not only for the sake of us, those to whom this happened, but also for the sake of you - those who meet us, talk to us, get to know us. For the sake of our humanity. So I started thinking - what does it take to invent a word? I typed on the Internet at different languages“there is a word missing,” I flipped through thousands of pages and found out that this word is missing from almost all countries of Western culture and that it is absolutely necessary because almost everyone knows someone who has had the same thing happen to them. me.

I felt less alone and more powerful. I realized that I had to write about how unbearable it is every time I mention my child to talk about death again, and that we need a word that will save us from this painful necessity, and that I cannot do it myself. invent it. Then I took a blank sheet of paper and began to write, and something inside me demanded: “Say this, say that!” I wrote, and the pain subsided. I wrote and sent letters - to the French Academy, to the editors of the Dictionary of the French Language, to various ministries: justice, culture, protection of rights, to the economic council, linguists, anthropologists, psychotherapists and Simone Weil. I wanted to start a discussion, civil and universal. Because when they start talking about something, they start thinking about it. I wanted to entrust this matter to others and stop doing it. And they answered me, almost everything, sometimes with unexpected cruelty. With the same cruelty in administrative documents they demand to check the box “child”, with the same cruelty they answer you when you say that you have a son, but he died. “We don’t see the need for a neologism,” I was told in one place. “Childless again,” another suggested, as if the fact that you had a child could be undone, as if that child never existed. Reading all these answers, I realized that I was not the first to ask this question, and that even experts do not know what to call the terrible thing that happened to us, and that everyone agreed to remain silent about it. And leave us alone with this silence. But I don't want to. I need this word, and I'm not alone. And I continued to send out my letters.

I am an actress, I am used to saying words invented by others. And for the first time in my life, I spoke on my own behalf without fear. I even spoke publicly in front of several interested spectators. I dared to go out to them and speak out loud about this important and deeply personal need for me, without becoming immodest and without losing my dignity. And then they came over to say thank you. They got it! And I finally had the feeling that I was doing something useful, and not only for myself. And the more I talked about what I do, the more they listened to me. And the more they listened to me, the more strength I had to talk about it. And I even began to be a little proud of the trust that my listeners place in me. I think Matvey would be proud too.

I don't know if I'm better, but I feel alive. I didn't start this business to find new meaning life, but it so happened that I found it. And I'm going to continue. Read out your appeal different people to encourage them to start a discussion, to break this silence. Among the replies I received was one from the French Council for Economics, Society and environment- and it said that after collecting a certain number of signatures, it would be possible to submit an official request there. So I started a petition. How more people sign it, the more strength and courage I will have to fight for the search for this word. Perhaps not an easy thing to say out loud, but without a doubt vital for all of us.”

You can sign the petition at website.

Petition text

The French language is missing a word. Everyone should be able to use French V various fields everyday life. This right is not respected for a parent who has lost their child and who has to answer questions about marital status, including in administrative documents: Do you have children? How many children do you have? The parent of a deceased child will forever be that child's father or mother, so how should they answer these questions?

Asking parents for answers about their marital status in everyday life and in administrative documents, without allowing them to report a child who no longer exists, means:

• deny the memory of this child,
• make them remember death when talking about their child,
• sentence them to isolation due to concerns about “how to say it”,
• take away from them parental love, which they feel for this child.

We sign this petition to support and encourage this just and deeply humane endeavor.

It is very scary to experience the death of your own son. After all, it is the children who must bury their parents, and not the other way around. A person who has experienced such grief is usually left alone with his experiences. Yes, relatives and friends try to help, but they try to avoid any talk about death. All moral support consists of the words hold on and be strong. We will tell you how to survive the death of your son. This knowledge will be useful for a person who has experienced a terrible tragedy.

How to survive the death of your son - accept all emotions and feelings

You can feel anything: fear, bitterness, denial, guilt, anger - this is natural for a person who has lost a son. None of these feelings can be unnecessary or wrong. If you want to cry, cry. Surrender to your feelings. If you keep all your emotions inside, it will be even harder to cope with grief. Freeing your feelings will help you accept what happened. You won’t be able to forget everything at once, but you can find the strength within yourself and come to terms with death. Denying your feelings will not allow you to move on with your life.

How to cope with the death of your son - make an appointment with a psychotherapist

There are psychotherapists who specialize in such cases. Every city should have an intelligent specialist. Be sure to talk to him before recording. Find out worked Is he with such people and, of course, what is the cost of the sessions. In any case, you need a specialist with extensive experience.

How to cope with the death of your son - forget about deadlines

No one forces you to stop grieving after some time. Each person is individual. IN difficult times the emotions may be similar, but everyone experiences grief differently. It all depends on the life circumstances and character of the person.

For quite a long time there has been a concept of accepting grief, consisting of 5 stages. It is believed that everything begins with denial and ends with acceptance. Modern science believes otherwise - accepting grief cannot consist of 5 steps, because people experience an incredible number of feelings at the same time. They come and go, come again and eventually become less noticeable. Recent studies have confirmed that people accept death immediately and do not experience depression and anger - only grief for the person remains.

How to survive the death of your son - the first stage

You can't believe this happened, you feel shocked and numb. Each person has their own reaction - some freeze with grief, others try to forget, calming relatives, organizing funerals and memorials. The person does not understand what is happening to him. Antidepressants, sedative tinctures and massage can help. Don't be alone. Cry - it will help release grief and ease the soul. The stage lasts 9 days.

How to survive the death of your son - the second stage

The denial stage lasts up to 40 days. A person already accepts the loss with his mind, but his soul cannot come to terms with what happened. At this stage, parents can hear footsteps and even the voice of the deceased. You may be dreaming about your son, in which case talk to him and ask him to let you go. Talk about your son with your family, remember him. Constant tears are normal during this period, but don't allow yourself to cry around the clock. If you cannot get out of this stage, consult a psychologist.

How to survive the death of your son - the third stage

Over the next 6 months you must accept the pain and loss. Suffering can ebb and flow. Parents often blame themselves for not protecting their child. Aggression can spread to everyone around: the son’s friends, the state or doctors. These are normal feelings, the main thing is that you don’t overdo it.

How to survive the death of your son - stage four

Experiences become easier a year after the loss. Be prepared for the manifestations of a crisis. By this time, you should learn to manage grief and your feelings will no longer be as terrible as on the first day of the tragedy.

How to survive the death of your son - stage five

The grieving soul calms down by the end of the second year. Of course, your grief will not be forgotten, you will just learn to live with it. Knowing what to do after your son's death will help you move on with your life and think about the future.

People may experience so much pain that they consider suicide. The pain can be incredibly intense. Drive such thoughts away - it’s better to seek help.

At Natalia Kupriyanova’s concerts, her poems and voice accompanied by the plucking of guitar strings penetrate the hidden corners of the heart of every listener, making them think about eternity.

“It just ended...I mean the ritual!!! But Eternity began. I can’t write now... but I want to tell you THANK YOU,” Natalya left these words on her social network page for those who have supported her for several years and helped her look for funds for her son’s treatment.

The saint passed away in Natalya’s arms in full consciousness. Shortly before his death, a 5-year-old boy made his mother promise that she would definitely fulfill them common dream- will go to the sea. This is how seashells appeared on his son’s grave. If you enter the salty sea ​​water with a wound on the body, first you will get a burning pain, and only then healing. How many of these wounds were there on Natalia’s heart? Sometimes they were inflicted by those who, on the contrary, were supposed to help. “Are you going to give up your son? You’re young, you’re still giving birth!” - the first thing 25-year-old Natalya heard when she arrived from provincial Oryol to a Moscow clinic, where Svyatik was eventually declared unpromising.

“Doctors, like all people, are different,” says Natalya. “Then we ended up in a clinic in St. Petersburg, where the medical staff, before going to the sick children’s wards in the morning, prayed together. When I was informed that Svyatik had a week to live, a psychologist was specially present in the office. They were ready to keep us in the hospital until last days son. But Svyatik himself, almost blind from strong medications, with bleeding gums, said: “Mom, do you know what I came up with? Let’s go home?!”

Love transcends time and distance

At home, instead of the seven days allotted by the doctors, Svyatik lived for 5 months. His vision returned. Together with Natalya, they admired the beauty of flowers, trees, and all living things, as if rediscovering God’s world for themselves. Natalya learned to live one day at a time, without looking into the future: “We woke up, smiled at each other. We enjoyed every little thing.”

These minutes in an embrace with a child melting before our eyes were a bridge to eternity. They taught us to understand that everything does not end here on Earth.

The young woman first experienced the feeling that time had stopped during her meeting with the elder. “Before the last course of chemotherapy, in despair, I went to Optina Pustyn in the hope of meeting with the confessor of the brethren, schema-abbot Iliy(now Father Schema-Archimandrite and confessor His Holiness Patriarch Kirill. - Ed.). People from all over Russia came to him for advice and consolation.

I saw a crowd of people surrounding the elderly monk, and I realized that I couldn’t get through to him. She stood aside. Tears streamed down my face. And suddenly another crowd of people caught me like a wave, and suddenly I found myself right in front of the elder. I felt his hand on my arms. Neither the priest nor I said a word. But something very important happened in my life. And the pain, which for several years did not go away even for a minute, dissolved in the love that the elder radiated.”

After the death of her son, Natalya would meet Elder Elijah more than once and become his spiritual child. “One evening it became very difficult for me. I remembered Svyatik and cried. And suddenly a long SMS comes from Raphael's father(the elder’s cell), written from the words of Father Elijah, where he consoles me.

This was another lesson for me that for love there is no time or distance. And for our children, who are in Heaven, our tears bring only one grief. As my friend, Deacon Sergius from the Alexander Nevsky Lavra of St. Petersburg once told me: “You shouldn’t cry and be sad, because you are the mother of an angel.”

Since then, no matter what I do in this life, I think: am I worthy of this title - “mother of an angel”? When I communicate with other mothers who are ready to go into a noose because of grief, I explain to them: if you commit the worst sin - suicide, then you will definitely not meet your child. Because angels and suicides live in different places. And if you really love a child, then you need to do everything in order to meet him there, beyond.

And mothers begin to ask the question differently: not “why” did this happen to me, but “for what”? Many come to faith and their lives are transformed. But there are also those who choose the noose. And it's really scary."

"Take care of each other!"

Eight years have passed since Svyatik is no longer with Natalya. All these years she has been trying to help children with cancer. In Orel, where the singer lives, she annually holds a concert-action “Music of Kind Hearts.” Render psychological assistance to mothers who have lost a child - another very important mission of Natalia: “I can speak the same language with them, because I myself experienced this terrible, incomparable pain.” And her official place of work remains the Oryol Philharmonic. Natalya has been singing professionally since school. She writes poetry and music herself - from bard songs to folk rock.

While rushing to a rehearsal or doing volunteer work, Natalya sometimes sees mothers on the street screaming at their children. One day she witnessed how a young woman, silencing an infant, hit him on the cheek. “I flew up to her and almost broke my arm. She shouted: “This baby was given to you by God! And no one knows at what moment He will decide to take it away from you. And then you will reproach yourself all your life for not giving him affection.”

Next to Natalya is a devoted and loving husband. And she believes that God will give their family a baby, to whom she will definitely tell about the Saint. And he will raise him so that he is a worthy brother or sister of an angel.

Hello!
I would like to get advice on how to help my colleague.
My colleague: a couple of years older than me, pretty, well-groomed, she has one daughter with her parents (both are alive and live separately, but nearby), she has been divorced for a long time, and had one son, 23 years old. December 15, 2014 My son suddenly dies of acute heart failure. Our small team (very good in all respects) was shocked; they helped with the funeral, morally and financially, everyone was filled with sympathy and understanding. My colleague behaves very dignified and steadfast, goes to work, and communicates.
BUT! I see and understand that I am holding on with all my strength. I myself have a 22-year-old daughter, and my colleague and I had and have had a trusting relationship (friendly), although we are different - but there is also a lot of understanding - both frank, sociable, with technical education, working, reading. She tells me that she has already tried a healer, a psychologist (I don’t know the details), and religion (she is a believer, but not a fanatic). It seems to help a little, and then it comes back again. She herself sees her weakness in the fact that there is no shoulder nearby: no husband or loved one, no sister or brother, no other children. Parents are old, it’s even harder for them!
Of course, due to my 42 years, I have seen different things in life - difficult divorces, and different problems in life (I’m now in my second marriage, the first was a difficult divorce), but such a tragedy, of course, outweighs everything I’ve seen, and I feel so sorry for my colleague that I think about her every hour, very much for her I'm worried, I really want to help.
Another detail is that we are people of average income - we have an apartment and a car, we have a job (in the IT sector), but there are no extra big money, for example, to go around the world or to Africa to look after cheetahs and so on - this, unfortunately, is not possible, and we have a crisis in our country now!!!(((
I would like to especially note that she practically does not complain, from our team only she says something to me and one other employee (he graduated from theological seminary at one time and is so open to communication).
Please! Tell me what options I should think about, what to do, how to help me (and all of us) a person, what can I advise her, what are her goals in life, what is the way out? What to try, where to move...
My idea is that it would be good, of course, for her to get married, but today it is even more difficult for her, in such and such a state.
Thank you!
Sincerely.

Olga, Kyiv, Ukraine, 42 years old

Psychologist's answer:

Hello, Olga.

A terrible loss for a mother. You can never be prepared for something like this. Now there is grief and loss in her soul. When people around, loved ones see this person’s condition, they want to help, but unconsciously act in the direction of making the pain end faster. In fact, a person must allow himself and have support from others - allow himself to feel pain. This grieving process can take a long time, and there are no rules for how this has happened to anyone or what is most acceptable to feel and how. This is her grief, and it is unique. In the event of the unexpected premature death of a child, the parent may be greatly tormented by a feeling of guilt that it was he who overlooked or gave birth to a child who was unable to live full life, this feeling of guilt must be overcome, overcome. Children have their own destiny, parents are not gods and not everyone can do everything. Parents are limited in their ability to influence the fate of their children. What does this mom have now? Love. No one will ever take away her love for her child. No death. Nothing. Just like all 24 years of his life and everything they had together, all the memories, joys. Her life has now changed forever, and she will never fill this void left by the death of her son, but she can learn to live with it here, now, in this life, so that she can be reunited with him later. Now she needs to give herself permission to cry, she doesn’t need to be strong. She comes to work and it's a different world, but after that she must allow herself to cry whenever she feels the need. Every day, every night, if she feels that way. This really helps. Oddly enough, laughter also helps, and it is normal to laugh, although it looks to others as disrespect or as something inappropriate. In fact, it is the psyche trying to cope and survive. She can start writing a book or taking notes - everything that she remembers about her son, about his life, and everything that she feels and thinks now, conduct a written dialogue with him, a conversation with him. She can play music and listen to it even at night with headphones, music is very therapeutic. Best classical music. You can create and save some part in the apartment that belongs only to your son, wear his watch, charge his phone, keep this part of the connection with him alive. In order to physically cope with everything that is happening now, you need to monitor your diet, and exercise for the body is also very important, you can run in the park (fast walking). Running also helps a lot. For some people, a support group for those who are also experiencing grief is important; these can be forums, you can correspond with parents who have lost children. The first months are the hardest, but along the way there will be a place, a time, when there will be another sadness with which you can live. Mom will no longer be a helpless victim, there will be something she can control, find meaning, why she is still here, and does her son need it. Need to. Her son needs her to live. He never lost her, and she never lost him either, because love is what they have forever.

Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.