Feeling empty inside yourself. Inner emptiness - what causes it

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! My name is Svetlana, I’m 18. After the New Year, looking in the mirror, I realized that I had gained weight again, before that I was able to lose extra pounds, as I had always dreamed of. My brother was always calling me "fat." although with a height of 170 I weigh 62 kg, in principle this is the norm. Having entered another city and moved to a dormitory, I gained weight from 54 to 56-57. Having lost weight, I became more decisive, more talkative, and was able to tell people what I really thought. But after the New Year, it was as if I had been replaced. I looked in the mirror and was horrified, I was too scary, too ugly, too fat... Well, I began to act.

Yes, I did it, I did it. But I didn’t become happier, everything only got worse. My self-esteem dropped even more, I again began to withdraw into myself and hate myself.

Currently my weight is 44 kg, but I am not satisfied with my reflection in the mirror, but I do not consider myself thin, on the contrary...

But I understand that I can’t lose weight anymore. I have been maintaining this weight for about two months now. Now I consume enough calories per day, about 1800. I don’t know what to do, now I’m on vacation, now I’m with my family. I can’t stop counting calories, worrying about the food I’ve eaten; if I overeat, then my “white friend” is waiting for me.

Looking in the mirror, I see how I am gaining weight, although the number on the scales has not changed for a long time. There is no person to whom I could tell everything that is on my soul, and I really want this, I miss such a person. I have no one to talk to, I have a couple of friends, but just friends in whom I have absolutely no trust.

I don’t understand myself at all, I don’t understand what I need, I don’t know what to do, I don’t have a favorite activity, I’m not interested in anything at all. NOTHING. There is emptiness in my soul, eternal depression... I can cry and yell for no reason. I close myself off. . I constantly think that I have no reason to live anymore... I can’t find the meaning to move on. Why move on, why do something, achieve something, build a relationship with someone, if we are going to die anyway. The days fly by too quickly and too monotonously. There's an emptiness inside me that I can't get out of. I don't know how to get out of all this. Please, help!

A psychologist answers the question.

Hello Svetlana!

Problems associated with food and its consumption, the so-called eating disorders, unfortunately, are now very, very common among girls and young women. These problems are essentially a symptom of internal personality conflicts. And making efforts to fight the symptom, as you understand, is practically useless... It’s like not scratching dermatitis by willpower and hoping that it will go away... Moreover, using willpower in cases where it is basically useless is fraught with inevitable breakdowns that cause attacks of severe emptiness, feelings of powerlessness and depression.

I see, Svetlana, from your letter that you yourself realized that the problem is not in the ability to control food consumption (to eat or not to eat, and if there is, then what and how much), but in those internal experiences that fill your soul. You know how to control perfectly, and you probably understand this yourself; you have no problem with it. But, as you yourself wrote, you can control yourself, but it doesn’t make you happier. On the contrary, dissatisfaction with oneself and life is getting worse... A logical conclusion suggests itself - the more efforts we make to control ourselves, to drive our own essence deeper and forcefully hold it there, the more unhappy we become...

Svetlana, I can assume that you are now experiencing the so-called existential crisis: loss of the meaning of life in its highest understanding (i.e., the question is tormented: “Why does a person even live, and since I don’t see the answer, then why do I live?”). This is a painful stage for every person. It happens that during your life there are more than one, or even two, such periods... Of course, such a crisis, which manifested itself during the period of your “experiments” with your appearance, maximally intensified other internal conflicts and aggravated the symptom of an eating disorder.

Svetlana, there is a way out. And it’s time to start working on gradually recognizing yourself (through immersion in your own personality), on “letting go” of yourself from under your own oppressive control, on accepting yourself in the end!

There is such a phenomenon in psychotherapy. Human understanding the real reason its symptom (depression, addiction, phobia, etc.) – weakens the manifestation of the symptom. Understanding the reason is not yet final decision problems, this is only half the battle before a person begins to transform his personality - but, nevertheless, this understanding already weakens the symptoms.

Therefore, I suggest that you start by devoting as much time as possible to self-analysis every day. Keep a diary and write down all your thoughts there. You are far from alone in the fact that there is no such person nearby to whom you can pour out your soul and tell everything about yourself and your experiences. Write in your diary. But try to analyze it. Remember in as much detail as possible what you thought, felt and did during the period when all “this” began with you. Try to discern some connections between events and the decisions you made. And so on.

Try to think more about yourself, your soul. You are your own ass. You write that you don’t understand yourself, you don’t know... But try to solve this riddle.

It is very difficult to answer the question of what it means to “accept yourself”, “to love yourself”. We more or less understand what it means to accept and love another, but as for ourselves...

It's actually not that complicated. Accepting yourself means stopping criticizing yourself, scolding, blaming, reproaching, forcing yourself to do something to please someone else’s opinion and stop being ashamed of yourself. Accepting yourself will automatically mean that you love yourself;)

But how to do that? But here you need to be persistent and consistent and try not to forget (especially in the first stages, before it becomes a habit) to stop internal dialogues with self-blame, berating oneself, criticism, constant thoughts about what and how to do to please others and earn their approval, attempts to control one’s schedule and needs for food, sleep, and movement. You just need to consciously stop, say “stop” and ask yourself for forgiveness for such self-pressure. Praise yourself more often, approve, even if it doesn’t seem to you that you are “worthy” of praise. Talk to yourself kindly. How an affectionate mother talks to her little daughter. The daughter may not have done anything outstanding, and at an outside glance she is by no means smart or beautiful, but her mother approves of her, supports her, says to her: “My smart girl, my beautiful girl,” and the child blossoms, is inspired, and comes into his soul. peace and quiet.

So you, Svetlana, try with yourself, as with a child: “my smart girl, my sweetheart,” etc. ;)

Svetlana, it’s also very important to look for inspiration. We all need inspiration for self-development and self-improvement. And especially when going through spiritual crises (such as yours).

I recently read Brené Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection. Now I recommend it to my clients as a great inspiration. Good book!

In addition, for many years one of the most outstanding books that are recommended to be read during periods of loss of meaning in life is Viktor Frankl’s book “Say Yes to Life.”

Svetlana, all the best to you. If possible, consult a psychologist in person about internal dissatisfaction. Working in a group (group therapy) is also very good. Start making friends with yourself! Just don’t betray yourself, don’t abandon yourself, take care! And you will definitely understand yourself. This will be self-love. Good luck!

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Question to a psychologist

Hello! My name is Anna, I am 20 years old, I study at the institute. I really wanted to enter this institute, I am studying to become a doctor and when I entered, I only dreamed of getting this profession. As for personal life, then young man I have no. A year ago, I broke up with a man with whom we had been together for about three years, I simply dissolved in him, we had a very difficult relationship, we came together and then diverged. We were going to get married, but about a year ago we broke up completely. Later we tried to get together, but it didn’t work out. Six months after we separated, I began a relationship with another young man, but it did not lead to anything good. I fell in love again, but he didn’t treat me very well, and in the end I was again left with a broken heart.
Now, in fact: for the last two months, and maybe more, I think even about six months, I began to notice that I was sick of everything, literally of everything, I didn’t want anything. Lately it creates a feeling of unbearable emptiness inside, as if everything has been squeezed out of me, sucked out of me, I don’t have enough strength, no desire, no study, no pleasure of any kind. Very often I fall into a state of tearfulness, irritability and aggression; almost everything around me irritates me. I am often dissatisfied with myself, my body, my appearance, my relationships with my parents, my academic success, my attitude towards life, the people around me, the current situation and, in general, the entire surrounding reality. I put off almost all matters, problems or important issues until the last minute; I don’t know how and don’t want to solve them. There are days when I can relax, devote a whole day or two to myself, but I don’t want ANYTHING... On such days I can just sit stupidly and do nothing, because I simply don’t want anything. And then I get the feeling that I’m wasting my time, that it’s slipping out of my hands, that I won’t achieve anything, won’t have time for something. It often seems that I am floating into complete uncertainty, I cannot understand what I want, what I need, it seems to me that I am floating with the flow and cannot change anything. I'm afraid to look into the future, I'm afraid to remain alone, not needed by anyone. I feel in some kind of prostration, I often come home and lock myself in the room and I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to think about anything, I’m so tired of everything, I want to quickly go to bed, turn off my brain and fall asleep... I just want to run away or evaporate. How to get rid of this feeling of emptiness, what should I do, where should I look for the problem?

Answers from psychologists

Hello Anna.

I'm afraid that letters will hardly help you understand yourself.

In your city there is good professionals- choose and go to the reception...

It is believed that you come out of a “disease” almost as long as you enter it.

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Hello Anna! Let's try to figure out what might be happening to you - there is some diagnostic information in your letter - for example, the fact that you dissolved in past relationships - you got together, then diverged and in the end nothing worked out - in connection with this we can make an assumption , that it was your dissolution in your partner, leaving yourself and the fact that you became an extension of him and forced the young man to move away from you - in general, because it turns out that you delved too deeply - and at the same time you actually felt comfortable, why - because they were looking for themselves in him! and in the end - he did NOT see you! and you did NOT see yourself!

then there were other relationships - again in which you dissolved and did NOT see what was happening in reality - after all, as you say, he did not treat you well - but this did not happen on the same day, it is possible that earlier you did not pay attention to any alarming calls or interpreted completely differently and again a breakup - again pain, again you are left alone...

and that in the end you are left alone with yourself, while having absolutely no idea who you really are? what are you like? - this is a question of acceptance - you were looking for yourself in others, and now you are faced with the fact that you have no place to look for yourself and what is happening is withdrawal... you are in a state of apathy, stress, irritation, you see these sources outside and all this It will only close the circle around you more...

what to do? find yourself? understand yourself and accept yourself!! analyze past relationships, get rid of the codependency that you create - after all, your contribution to the formation of what is happening is also there, and only when you see this, only then will you be able to control your life yourself and everything that happens around you - DO NOT look for yourself outside, and just be yourself!!!

Anna, if you really decide to figure out what is happening and how you can get out of this situation, you can safely contact me - call me - I will be only happy to help you!

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Anna, your desire (unconscious!) to leave, to die (many phrases are about this: " They have squeezed everything out of me, sucked me out, I don’t have enough strength or desire for anything,” “I’m rolling into complete uncertainty,” “go to bed, turn off your brain and fall asleep,” and the repeatedly repeated “I don’t want anything”...). Your choice. The profession of a doctor was chosen for a reason - someone was on the verge of life and death or died early (tragically), some pictures from the past related to this topic. What happened at the time to which you attribute the exacerbation of this uncomfortable condition (six months)?

Well, the important thing is “I just dissolved in him” - is it like sugar in tea? Then it is clear that the forces... have disappeared. Go for a consultation with a psychologist. You can come to me, I do family constellations. An effective method.

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Every person at least once in his life has felt a feeling of emptiness inside, when you sit, look at one point and want nothing, don’t touch anything, don’t care. Life passes by, but a person outside of it, as if sitting at the very bottom of a lake and watching the ripples pass across the surface. This may last only a few hours and may be the result of extreme physical and/or emotional fatigue. But it happens that the emptiness inside does not go away for several days, weeks and even years. How to deal with it? After all, living with her is very difficult.

For the first time Alena felt that there was emptiness in her soul when she was 18 years old. For modern people This, oddly enough, is a very late age for mental crises. Alena suddenly realized that everything that surrounded her was illusory, and if she closed her eyes, everything would disappear. It seemed to her that she was just a thin membrane between emptiness and emptiness, and if it broke, there would be nothing left.

This went on for about six months, until finally a friend dragged her into rock climbing lessons. Having conquered her first height on the wall and hovering at a level of 30 meters from the ground, Alena acutely felt how much she depended on the strength of the equipment and the hand of the one who held the other end of the rope down there. Oppressive for a long time the feeling of emptiness finally receded, and was replaced by a joyful feeling of life and meaning.

For Alena it was far from last time, when emptiness rolled in inside, however, this first experience always helped her in the future to get out of the crisis.

Many experts often advise dealing with this feeling through detailed self-analysis, however, this does not always help. Why?

Modern man lives life at an accelerated pace (compared to previous centuries); he lives in a strong information field that needs to be processed every day. New ideas, thoughts, feelings, events roll over a person, forcing him to react to them in one way or another. The mind and soul, like the body, get tired of constantly working. They need rest. The feeling of emptiness appears as a response to the inability or unwillingness to cope with the world around us, as well as with our own feelings and thoughts.

Often emptiness appears in the soul precisely because a person is tired of himself. No one is perfect, however, it is perfection that all people strive for. This is our fight against chaos and death. Spiritual imperfection can cause feelings of resentment, anger, self-hatred, and sometimes powerlessness. When powerlessness overwhelms a person, he often gives up the fight against life and himself.

If the emptiness inside is the result of meticulous introspection, it is better for a person to switch from himself to the outside world. Reduce emotional stress as much as possible, change the environment, engage in a new activity, as Alena did. It is important that the new captures the person completely. It is also important that it be as “carnal” as possible, i.e. physically tangible, and made it possible to feel your life, your body, yourself.

The feeling of emptiness is oppressive and debilitating; it is necessary and possible to fight and win. The main thing to understand is that I am, I exist, I live. The world around us is a mass of opportunities, an inexhaustible source of new impressions, and you need to accept this priceless gift.

I don’t even know where to start or whether to even apply? The problems are petty, but they have been weighing me down for several years now! I have a solid one emptiness inside...

I'll start from the very beginning. I grew up with a very strict father, but my mother is my friend. She was a good girl, she studied well, she achieved everything herself, a step to the right, a step to the left, execution. It didn’t work out with the guys, until I was 17, I was courted by 3, but I didn’t like them very much, and those who liked me didn’t pay attention to me. Then there was college, there I met my now husband, at first they started having an affair without feelings, just to be with someone, but then she fell in love and got married. I graduated from college, found a decent job, gave birth to a son, bought an apartment, a car, and are going to buy 2 for me.

And everything seems to be fine, many people strive for such a life, but I have some kind of emptiness inside. I understand that at the age of 25 I have already achieved everything I dreamed of, but there is no joy or satisfaction! And while I was on maternity leave I started to go crazy, it all seemed like my husband was cheating on me! With the child I repeat the behavior of the father, which is especially infuriating! I scream, I lose my temper, sometimes I even slap, for which I then reproach myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, how to deal especially with jealousy and my relationship with my child. I love them very much and am afraid of losing them! Intimidate your husband because of your eternal suspicions and checks, and intimidate your child with your screams! Either I'm too greedy, I'm mad about fat... What's wrong with me?

Best regards, Elvira

psychologist Irina answers the question “Emptiness inside: everything seems to be fine, but the inner emptiness torments”

"She looks through the veil she has woven
Through the threads of your everyday life,
Raising the rafters and clinging to them,
Trying to reach heaven.

But the networks are too tight
They won't let her go
And she gets confused
And falls... somewhere... onto the mortal earth.

(From the book “The Inhabited Man” by I. Polster).

Your “I” was formed under conditions of strict upbringing. Under the fear of being shot, a person develops the necessary survival skills - in your case, this means being a good girl, obediently fulfilling the demands of family and society. As a child, this meant doing well in school. As you grow up - college, a decent job, a family, a child, an apartment, a car, another car... A decent life in general... The very word “decent” suggests that a person is focused primarily on external social stereotypes .

Lack of joy and satisfaction is the result of a loss of connection with oneself. inner world, true needs. The emptiness inside is found exactly where there should be a sense of oneself, one’s feelings, desires. Once upon a time this process was suppressed - it was dangerous to want something of your own, it might not coincide with the goals set by the parents. Often people of this type do not know the answer to the question - “What do you want now?” They can even answer: “What should you want now?”

One’s own experiences are devalued in the usual way since childhood (a petty problem), where indecent emotions and feelings get out of control, a feeling of guilt and shame appears (I’m mad, I’m greedy).

Emptiness inside does not mean that there are no feelings and desires; on the contrary, most likely there are many of them, but they are contradictory, “indecent”, frightening, and therefore blocked and inaccessible for awareness.

It is best to get acquainted with these rejected feelings and experiences in a therapeutic space where an atmosphere of safety and acceptance will be provided. In the process of therapy, you will be able to regain your sense of fullness of life, satisfaction, and take ownership of your life story.

, Comments on Feeling Empty disabled

Elena, hello!

I have some constant feeling emptiness, I don’t have enough energy to achieve my goals, it seems to me that my life seems to be passing me by.

I am 26 years old, I am married, I have a wonderful son. Everything seems to be fine. A good relationship with husband. I got the education I wanted. I’m currently on maternity leave, but I have the opportunity to work several times a week for experience. The child is beautiful, healthy, developed, cheerful. My parents are alive. I don’t even know how else to describe this condition. It feels like your hands are tied. Although they seem to be free. I don't have close friends. And this doesn’t bother me. I get tired of close relationships very quickly. I don't want to reveal myself to anyone. I don’t want to show my problems and weaknesses. Although I am sociable, I always find mutual language with people and, in principle, I know that those around me love and respect me.

My life is clear and predictable, I know how to plan time well, everything works out for me, I always have time for everything, I am responsible. But at the same time, I know that if I don’t do something from my usual affairs, the world will not collapse, nothing will happen. To be honest, I feel like some kind of robot. Who is outwardly beautiful, strong, cheerful, very correct, educated, but inside without a soul. The feeling that I am powerless to change anything in my life. And no matter how hard I try, it’s all in vain. How can I overcome this condition? Where can you get the energy to achieve your goals? What could be the reason for this state, the state of the film that I am watching from the outside? What happened with me?

Best regards, Nina

Hello Nina.

Thank you for your interest in my column.

Unfortunately, there is little information in your letter that would make it possible to understand what is wrong with you, but usually such a feeling of emptiness occurs when a person does not correspond own desires, but someone's.

Perhaps your way of determining what you want has been so altered since childhood that you confuse your desires with an orientation towards other people's values. At the same time, there may be protest inside, disappointment that your true desires are not realized, so there is no joy in life.

If you don’t have the energy to realize your goals, then you can assume two reasons: either you don’t really need these goals, but you need something completely different, or you have unpleasant experiences that deprive you of energy. It is precisely the reasons for these experiences, if they exist, that cannot be judged from your message, because you write about what is good, and not about what is bad.

Do you have a habit of drowning out thoughts about troubles or the belief that you need to concentrate on the good and forget about the bad? It is impossible to drown out only negative emotions and leave positive ones, so those who hold such beliefs may lose their zest for life and feel empty in their souls.

If you start to experience not only positive things, but also, then the feeling of emptiness may go away. To live means not to force it out of consciousness and not to drown it out with other deeds and thoughts, but to be upset or angry until this state passes on its own. It also means telling your family what you don't like, sometimes getting angry with them, being bad mood. Negative emotions are just as important a part of your personality as positive ones, so when you give them up, you give up a part of yourself.