The person has no opinion. No own opinion

As a child, I was often forbidden to express my opinion, they said: “When they ask, then you will answer.” I learned that I don’t know how to do anything, and now I often answer: “I don’t know” or “Decide for yourself.” I can’t give advice to others, but the main thing is that I myself don’t know what I want. I'm used to being offered several options, emphasizing which one is correct. My parents thought it would be better for me. I always waited for hints from others, and for the same reason I preferred to cheat at school - after all, my neighbor knows better. Now my parents continue to ask me what I want, what I am striving for. But I don’t know the answers, and there’s nowhere to look.

Yulia, 19 years old

Julia, this happens often: first, parents impose their own opinion on the child, and then they wonder why he cannot show independence when faced with making important decisions.

Now you continue to follow the behavior pattern learned in childhood, but you have the power to abandon it. It's not easy and takes time. The danger is that a child who is accustomed to relying on the opinions of his parents, grows up, and shifts responsibility to his partner. By choosing this scenario, you may never find out what exactly you want.

You are only 19, and you noticed in time your tendency to rely on the opinions of others. Now it is important to choose a profession. Even if your parents used to make all the decisions, you probably noticed that you liked some activities more than others. Learn to hear your own desires and use them as a guide.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Sometimes it is impossible to assess whether the chosen direction is right for you until you try it. Monitor situations in which you are waiting for clues, and force yourself to consciously make a decision even in minor situations: tea or coffee, with or without sugar. You will soon notice that solving the most serious issues has become easier.

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We are satisfied with life when loved ones and significant people are waiting for us. This dependence can be taken for granted and “don’t scratch where it doesn’t itch.” What to do if public opinion haunts you? Know yourself and make sure you are worthy of love and respect.

It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who thinks what about how beautiful we are, what we are wearing, what we said or did? The famous woman once said: “I don’t care what you think about me, because I don’t think about you at all.” The same opinion is shared by our contemporary American actress Cameron Diaz, who said that she does not care about other people’s opinions, and she will live her life the way she wants, and not someone else.

People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most people need the approval of others, sometimes even those they don’t like. For some, such addiction generally becomes so painful that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias, has mental problems. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the streams of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once stated: “...Believe me, I care what people think about me... because I’m not a robot "

Impressionable people with a vulnerable psyche, and especially young people, are too dependent on the opinions of others. Perhaps they will feel better when they learn about the “18-40-60” rule by American psychologist Daniel Amen, the author of many bestsellers, including “Change your brain, change your life!” He assures his patients who suffer from complexes, lack self-confidence and are overly dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18 you care what others think of you, at 40 you no longer care, and at 60 you understand what others think about you.” They don’t think at all.”

Where does this dependence on other people’s opinions, the desire to please and earn words of approval, sometimes even from strangers, come from?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming your interlocutor and making a favorable impression on him. After all, as they say, “a kind word is also pleasant for a cat.”

We are talking about something else: about cases when, in an effort to be liked, a person says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; dresses not as he is comfortable, but as his friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and stop living their lives. How many destinies have failed because the opinions of others were put above one’s own!

Such problems have always existed – as long as humanity has existed. Another Chinese philosopher who lived BC. e., noted: “Worry about what other people think of you, and you will forever remain their prisoner.”

Psychologists say that dependence on other people’s opinions is characteristic primarily of people with low self-esteem. Why people don’t value themselves is another question. Perhaps they were “shut down” by authoritarian parents or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities due to successive failures. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings not worthy of anyone else's attention. Worried that they will not be respected, taken seriously, unloved and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or to be like those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before they do anything, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”

By the way, the well-known work of A. Griboedov, “Woe from Wit,” written back in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who is not worried about the conflict that occurred in his house, but “What will Princess Marya Alekseevna say?” In this work, Famus society with its sanctimonious morality is opposed by Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion.

Let's face it: depending on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have their own point of view are treated with condescension, they are not taken into account and respected. And, feeling this, they suffer even more. Essentially, they cannot be happy because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a feeling of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental anguish repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.

True, there is another extreme: one’s own opinion, desires and feelings are placed above all else. Such people live by the principle: “There are two opinions - mine and the wrong one.” But this, as they say, “is a completely different story.”

Is it possible to learn not to depend on other people's opinions?

As secretary Verochka said from the movie “Office Romance,” if you want, “you can teach a hare to smoke.” But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities: they can do a lot, including

1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself

And for this, first of all, you need a strong desire. Writer Ray Bradbury told people: “You can get anything you need if you really need it.”

Changing yourself means changing the way you think. Anyone who changes his thinking will be able to change his life (unless, of course, he is not satisfied with it). After all, everything we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth thinking about what is paramount for us – our own life or the illusions of other people.

Known for his bright individuality, the artist said that he developed the habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals in his childhood;

2. Control yourself

Having your own opinion does not mean not listening to others. Someone may have more experience or be more competent in some matters. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, the fear of not being a black sheep.

There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact everything has already been decided for us by friends, parents, colleagues. A young man is forced into marriage because “it’s the right thing” and “it’s time,” because all his friends already have children. A 25-year-old girl who studies in the city is asked by her mother to bring at least some young man with her to the village during the holidays, passing her off as her husband, because her mother is ashamed in front of her neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy things they don't need and have expensive weddings just to meet other people's expectations.

When making a choice and making a decision, it is worth asking yourself how well it corresponds to our desires. Otherwise, it’s easy to let yourself be led astray from your own path in life;

3. Love yourself

Ideal is a relative concept. What serves as an ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will judge us. There are so many people, so many opinions – it’s impossible to please everyone. Yes, I’m “not a piece of gold to please everyone,” said some literary hero.

So why waste your mental strength on a useless activity? Isn't it better to take a closer look at ourselves in order to finally realize how unique we are and worthy of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a single whole.

A person who does not love his home does not put it in order and does not decorate it. Someone who doesn’t love himself doesn’t care about his own development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he doesn’t have his own opinion and passes off someone else’s as his own;

4. Stop overthinking

Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of others. A married colleague had an affair with a co-worker. No one was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered and in the end quit, unable to withstand, as he believed, the behind-the-scenes conversations. In reality, no one was interested in his fate, because each person is concerned primarily with his own problems.

All people are primarily concerned with themselves, and even if someone wears socks of different colors, a sweater inside out, or dyes their hair pink, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention. Therefore, you should not depend on the opinions of others, who are often completely indifferent to us;

5. Learn to ignore other people’s opinions if they are not constructive

Only those who are nothing are not criticized. American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you are afraid of being criticized, then “do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” But we don’t want to “be anything.” This means we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to that with which we disagree, not letting it determine our lives. The famous one, addressing graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: “Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”

Other people's success and popularity often arouse envy among people who covet them but lack the intelligence, ability, or self-discipline to win them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hateful” opinions in the comments, trying to break down and force “to leave” those who, in their opinion, have undeservedly received fame. And sometimes they succeed.

Those who like to criticize, wrote Oscar Wilde, are those who are not able to create something themselves. Therefore, they are deplorable, and should be treated with a dose of irony and humor. As one friend says, their opinion will not affect my bank account in any way.

An assessment is a verbally or non-verbally expressed attitude of one person towards another in the form of praise, criticism, advice, swearing, etc. At the moment of receiving an unpleasant assessment, the emotional state changes, the body experiences discomfort, the pace and depth of breathing changes, tension occurs in various muscle groups, and they react pupils, etc. A person usually experiences comfort when he has a sense of control: everything is under control and goes according to plan.

People tend to “put on face” when they hear, see or feel someone else’s assessment of their appearance, work or behavior. Almost everyone has experienced, and many constantly experience, dependence on other people's assessments.

Fearing and avoiding negative assessments, a person strives to guess, adjust his behavior in order, in his opinion, to receive only positive assessments. They get very upset just by the assumption that someone might even think badly of them.

And when they understand that, in general, they cannot influence the thoughts of other people, they learn to set more adequate goals for themselves. Then they want to learn to react calmly, that is, to be more independent of other people’s opinions, assessments and expectations. Since it is known that it is impossible for everyone to be good, therefore there is no point in wasting energy on this.

If you want to stop being dependent on other people's opinions, waste your time and energy waiting for an assessment from the outside. If you get it and worry, then use the described method. This is a 3D model that involves thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

With its help, step by step, you can gain new experiences and learn to think and behave in more useful ways. Over time, you will stop being dependent on other people's opinions. You will have to do something less and less on purpose, since everything will happen automatically.

First of all, you should consider and accept the following ideas. Idea 1. To maintain emotional comfort, it is useful to plan emotions. When you plan emotions, you track unplanned emotions.

Idea 2: Reactions need to be planned. When you plan reactions, you can keep track of unplanned reactions.

Idea 3. Assessments can be important and unimportant.

Idea 4. I am a person who chooses how to react to the assessments of others.

Idea 5. Since I plan emotions, it is possible.

Idea 6: If I notice an unplanned emotion or reaction, it’s because I plan for it.

Idea 7. As soon as I feel an unplanned emotion, I use my method and regain emotional comfort.

Idea 8. Main: Since experiences associated with other people’s assessments do not help me live, it means they are meaningless!

1st way to learn to be independent of other people’s opinions “Categories” Preparatory work:

• We divide all people into categories according to the degree of importance of their opinions for us. (For example: 1. Their rating is very significant. 2. Average significance. 3. Low significance. 4. Almost indifferent.)

• We plan the thought, emotion and reaction that we will give, receiving the assessment of people from each category.

For example:

Thought - “he’s probably talking about himself,” “I don’t take other people’s negativity, let him keep it for himself,” “the dog barks, the wind carries it away,” “it’s the rain knocking on the glass,” “what would the doctor say about this?” , “ku-ka-re-ku”, etc.;

Emotion: calm, interest, indifference or any other that is suitable for you in this case.

Reaction: “Oh! I’ll think about it..later”, “interesting thought/idea..”, “what time is it now?”, “I’m glad/I’m pleased that you take care of me”, “you are a subtle and insightful person”, “ I also like your dress,” look thoughtfully, as if you know something unknown, and remain silent.

Training:

We train to “give” a planned thought, emotion and reaction to people by category. To do this, we present each person in turn from the list as he gives you an assessment of himself, thinking, experiencing the planned thought, emotion and reaction. It is important to “feel” the emotion and even sense it in the body. With each person, imagine and live the situation at least 3 times. And with especially “difficult clients” at least 5 times.

2nd way to learn to be independent of other people’s opinions “Shortcuts” Preparatory work:

• Every person we know is given a name (label) based on conspicuous features of appearance or character. If you can’t do this right away, then you can imagine a small image of this person somewhere in space. If the image is static, then make it move. In movement, the very distinctive features of the human image become more visible. It is better to make the label funny, as this immediately determines and plans the emotion and reaction to its assessment (remember the film about Harry Potter, where he presented the teacher he was afraid of in a funny and absurd image). A label can have not only a verbal expression (Red Turtle in a Hat), but also a symbolic one, for example, some kind of visual color or black and white image - a picture.

Training:

In the future, when receiving an assessment, one must perceive what this person said only in connection with the label of the speaker. To do this, you can say to yourself: “The label said - assessment.” For example: “The stupid little guy told me he’s a fool.” To consolidate such a sequence, it is necessary, just as in Method 1, to spend time on virtual playback - living through the expected situations.

If a person managed to give out an assessment even before he was assigned a label, he is called a common name for all strangers, for example: “Stump from the mountain.”

Two ways in one These two ways of learning to be independent of other people’s opinions can be combined: divide people into categories and unite under common “labels” those of them who seem similar to you in some way. Or reformulate the categories, for example, from “the assessment is very important” to “Good Samaritans”, “Elochki are cannibals”. Then you can say to yourself: “The assessment came from the Good Samaritans category.” The planned thought, the emotion I have for this is such and such, and the reaction is such and such.

If you want to get confused and show more creativity so as not to depend on other people’s opinions, you can diversify the methods with assessment topics: appearance, intelligence, lifestyle, criticism, advice. Here, as they say: the cards are in your hands! :-)

In recent years and even decades, the boundaries of one’s own opinion have gradually been erased. People increasingly prefer to follow the crowd rather than make decisions on their own. And with social pressure they completely refuse to listen to their own “I”. Let's try to figure out what the consequences of not having your own position are and why having your own opinion is really so important?

1. Lack of self-confidence

What is your own opinion? It is nothing more than your thoughts, ideas and views. When you give up on them, you turn away from confidence in yourself and your abilities. At first, you won’t even notice how your self-esteem is falling, but after some time the situation will completely get worse.

What to do? First, start listening to yourself and your thoughts. Don't fall for someone's just because someone insists on it. Don't be afraid to disagree: there's nothing wrong with that. You are an individual, and therefore your opinion will also be individual. Just say what you really think without hesitation. This way you will never get confused about your real beliefs and views.

2. The ability to manipulate you

If a person does not have his own opinion, he becomes an excellent victim for predators. This is a natural process. Moreover, the secret is that the victim does not even notice how exactly they are controlling her, how they are infiltrating her head and telling her what to do. As a result, in the eyes of others you will seem like a pitiful and helpless person.

What to do? Manipulation is a very subtle and step-by-step process, so you need to learn to trace its roots. And it all begins with your reliability and agreement with everything and everyone. This means that now you must do only what you really want, and, accordingly, give up those things that are unpleasant to you. Moreover, here we are talking not only about some actions, but also about thoughts and your opinion. If you don’t like someone’s point of view, you don’t need to agree with it in order to maintain friendly relations.

3. Lack of real friends

Naturally, the lack of your own opinion is fraught with the absence of true friends who are close to you in spirit and worldview. By the way, has it ever happened that your friends don’t seem like friends to you after all, and you don’t understand what exactly connects you with them? This is the very sign that it’s time to change something.

What to do? Most likely, these people do not consider you a real person because you have never had an opinion of your own. Maybe they only love you because you always don’t mind going to a bar to hang out? Or does everyone like that you are conflict-free and non-assertive? Try to show your character or put forward your idea and see how others react. If your friends really care about you, they will accept you anyway. In addition, by expressing your opinion, you will attract like-minded people - those who like your point of view and your views.

Listening to the opinions of other people is a good habit that allows you not to be isolated in your own selfishness and often even become better. But sometimes this quality crosses some invisible line and becomes a painful and unpleasant phenomenon. Someone else's opinion can bring mental anguish, and some especially persistent individuals can even manage to dictate their will to us. There is nothing good in such a situation, and if you find yourself in it or are afraid of getting into it, then you need to strengthen your “protective barriers” and resist social and personal pressure.

Don't act on the contrary

If you want to stop depending on other people's opinions, then you can assume that the easiest way would be to ignore them. This is not a very good move, because ignoring other people’s opinions is the same mistake as completely depending on them. Try to filter every opinion that you think influences you.

First, think about what the person who is imposing this opinion on you is trying to do. Why does he do this? Does he really want to subjugate you to his will, does he always act this way because of his character - or did it just seem to you that this opinion is intrusive? In any case, be sure to reflect on what the person wanted to tell you and what can be learned from this message. If this is criticism, then there is probably a reasonable grain in it that you can usefully turn into the next step of self-development. If a person simply expressed himself emotionally in his heart, then perhaps he needs your support.

Flowing water style

If other people have a strong influence on you, then it is likely that you have a hard time saying no. This means you need to learn to say “No”. Easy to say, not easy to do! Try to be confident in yourself and don’t refuse right or left. At the same time, there is no need to soften the form of refusal itself. Act as the Japanese have done since ancient times: first, instead of “No,” say: “I’ll think about it.” And then be brave and refuse for real, preparing compelling arguments. If it is still difficult to do this face to face, then use an “electronic intermediary,” that is, formalize your refusal by email or message in instant messenger. At the same time, you will be able to clearly describe the reason for your refusal point by point, and not choose words, blushing painfully from awkwardness.

Study, study and study again!

To ensure that no one can influence your opinion, practice how to form it yourself. For example, write critiques and reviews of everything you see, hear, and visit. Films, books, plays - these are the obvious ones, but you can also write a review of a new employee, renovations in your best friend’s apartment, or even a “review” of your neighbor’s stupid dog. All this contributes to the formation of critical thinking and the emergence of self-confidence, because if you get used to looking for arguments for reviews and feedback, then you can easily find them in ordinary conversation. If you are easily convinced by other people's arguments in conversations, then express your opinion first, then no one will be able to change it. And you can always note the valuable finds of others while telling them.

Uniqueness of a snowflake

To express your opinion on a par with others, it is important to love yourself for who you are. Don't belittle your own personality, don't be shy and try to realize that everyone is different, so your opinion is just as valuable as the opinion of another person. Of course, there are times when another person's opinion will be more valuable than yours. For example, if you have been working in your position for only a couple of months, and a professional with ten years of experience who has eaten the dog in this specialty is talking to you about a professional topic. But in this situation you shouldn’t worry, because if this pro is really such a good specialist, then he will always be open to other people’s opinions and will not allow ridicule of other people’s mistakes. Don't be afraid to express your opinion if it contradicts the majority opinion. Remember about the uniqueness of each person and each opinion, then there will be no problems with this issue.

Look for the positive

The main enemy of a person who is weighed down by someone else’s opinion is not so much self-doubt as the tendency to overthink things. Many people exaggerate the significance of their mistakes and failures in the lives of others, they are afraid of seeming stupid or frivolous, although in fact almost everyone around them will forget about your worst failure in five minutes and are more fixated on themselves. If you really found yourself in a situation where your opinion was not just wrong, but even stupid, and you were given weighty arguments in favor of this, then do not despair and do not get lost. Laugh at yourself first, turn it all into a joke - and everyone will have the impression of you as an easy-going and pleasant person, and not as a