If a person does not have his own opinion. “I don’t have my own opinion about anything.

I am 20 years old. I have one sister. She was better than me since childhood. She was always better in everything. And she is more beautiful in appearance than me. At school she was the most beautiful, But no one even noticed me. And now this situation has not changed. For her there are many beautiful and rich fans, but I have no one. We both studied with A grades. But she received a certificate with honors, I could not hold out. Her parents are always proud of her. Now she is a student like me, at the same time she works .I couldn’t work, my parents tell me about this too. In childhood, when we played with dolls, my doll said what my sister told me, that is, everything was as she wanted, and I silently carried it out. But childhood is over, but this situation is happening now. Even now she decides everything for me. I tried to object several times, but it didn’t work. It already seems that she knows better. At the same time, I want to decide everything myself. I tried to talk to her, but it didn’t give any results .Sometimes she nullifies my decisions, and in the end I do everything as she wants, forgetting about my preferences. I feel like a puppet. But at the same time, I don’t want to offend her. After all, she is my dear sister and wishes me well. Help with advice please! Thank you

Received 6 pieces of advice - consultations from psychologists, to the question: No personal opinion

Anelya, in order to understand your own attitude to the situation and change it, you first need to figure out what feelings you have for your sister? What you experience is very similar to the feeling of having a crush. This is a very destructive feeling. This feeling is a killer, there is nothing new under the sky, remember the story of the first fratricide, because Cain killed his brother precisely because of a start, because he was better in something... This feeling first kills the person you envy and then kills you too. You feel very bad, you suffer, you constantly compare yourself with her, and always not for the better for you, your life seems to be passing by. Try to stop comparing yourself to her, just stop yourself. Try to go a different way, compare yourself with yourself, with the one you were and with the one you have become. It is clear from the letter that you actually have something to be proud of. Love yourself for who you are, you will never become like your sister. YOU are YOU! You are an individual!!!

I also want to give you a wonderful parable, I hope it will help you!

One day a snake chased a butterfly and chased it day and night. Fear gave the butterfly strength, it beat its wings and flew further and further. And the snake never tired of crawling on his heels. On the third day, the exhausted butterfly felt that it could no longer fly, it sat down on a flower and asked its pursuer:

“Before you kill me, can I ask you three questions?”

“It’s not my habit to provide such opportunities to victims, but oh well, we’ll consider these your dying wishes, you can ask.”

- Do you eat butterflies?

- Did I do something bad to you?

“Then why do you want to kill me?”

- I hate watching you flutter!!!

Very often we get offended, hate each other, wish harm on our neighbors and don’t even think about it. But the reason is often in ourselves, we just need to look deeper into our hearts, and then we will be able to discern this snake - the “snake of envy,” which is one of the main reasons for human hatred.

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Hello, Anelya!

It seems that your sister knows what she wants, knows her worth, and is not afraid to present herself and her demands to the world. And you live with caution. It is more important for you to be “white and fluffy” - initially a losing role. All people are different. And everyone lives their one and only life. As long as you look at your sister and compare yourself to her, you will not see yourself and will not live your own life fully.

If you find it difficult to cope with this process, come to work face-to-face. Galina.

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Hello Anel! What do you think is the help of a psychologist? You didn’t ask a single question, but described the situation and complained. What do you want? I can guess, but I don’t know about your parents and sister, because perhaps you behave in a similar way with them. So far this is so, so far...
It is important not to ignore our sides, no matter what they are: strong or weak, light or shadow. And it turns out that you are like two opposites - she is the most beautiful and she has fans - but you are not like that, you don’t have them; she received a certificate with honors - but you didn’t, etc. But in fact, it’s all about your inner world.
Answer the questions: “Do I treat myself with respect? Do I love myself? Do I accept myself as I am? Do I talk about my desires, needs, points of view - regardless of the fact that others have different opinions? Does my mom know my true feelings? What about my sister? If you strive to ensure that the answer is “Yes” everywhere, then you are moving in the right direction. And read at the end of my article “Awareness in Gestalt Therapy” the 9 commandments leading to authentic existence.
All the best to you. Best regards, Lyudmila K.

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Hello Anel! It seems that this behavior has developed in you since childhood. Childhood has passed, but the little girl’s sense of self remains. It is advisable for you to realize that everything that happens to you is your responsibility. As soon as you step out of the role of a little girl and become aware of your feelings, desires, needs, then it will be easier for you to follow your own path and not look at others, even if they are your close people. If you understand what you want and follow your desires and present them to others, then it will be easier for you to be in agreement with yourself. Learn to trust yourself and your feelings and then you will not need to live with an eye on others. If you find it difficult to understand yourself, consult a psychologist in person. Good luck to you!

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Hello Anel. Your relationship has developed in a certain way for many years, and in my opinion, your boundaries are blurred. That is, it is difficult for you to maintain your opinion, and it is difficult for others to understand that something is unpleasant to you, and perhaps in some situations you do not even suspect that your boundaries are being violated. And the way your sister behaves with you is a consequence of your behavior. You should understand for yourself what you are ready to endure and what you are not ready to endure. A psychologist will help you in exploring yourself and your questions. I’m very glad for you that you still paid attention to yourself and your difficulties, and this is already a step towards change. Good luck to you. Sincerely, Marina. Good answer 0 Bad answer 1

Hello Anel!

It’s a pity, of course, that your parents taught you and your sister such an unequal and unhealthy relationship. In fact, your sister is not better than you, she is just different. People in general are not better or worse, they are just all different and you can’t even compare them. Now you only know how to obey your sister in everything, indulge her, consider her needs more important than your own. And if you don't like it, stop doing it. Explore yourself and your needs, express them and try to satisfy them (of course, not at any cost, but adequately). I don’t think there are objective obstacles to this; all the obstacles are only in your head. Change your inner attitude towards yourself, give yourself the right to live as you want, and defend this right to others. I personally don’t know any other way to get what you want, namely a happy and full life. And if it becomes really difficult, then go to a psychologist and learn all this again. All the best, Elena.

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The content of the article:

Dependence on other people’s opinions is a psychological state of a person caused by the oppression of one’s own “I” in favor of extraneous considerations. The formation of this quality begins deep in childhood, when parents evaluate and correct the actions of their children. The fear of being judged or misunderstood, which arises at an early age, fetters one’s own pride and forces one to follow the lead of others’ opinions.

The influence of dependence on other people's opinions on life

Dependence on other people's opinions usually occurs in people with weak character. Among the characteristics of such a person one can observe the inability to make any decisions independently and easily succumb to the influence of outsiders. This state contributes to the subordination of people with this quality to others who are stronger and more strong-willed.

How does this type of addiction affect a person’s life:

Loss of self. One gets the impression that others are putting pressure on and suppressing the individual’s personal opinion. Under such influence, one loses the ability to independently build one’s life and make decisions on one issue or another.
Need for external assessment. Such people need comments and approval of their actions. Different reactions are regarded as guidance on the right path. A person who has such an addiction is influenced by absolutely everyone around him.
The unquestioned opinion of parents. A child, for whom even in childhood his parents always made decisions, already in adulthood often depends on their opinion. Such people remain attached to the assessment from their relatives and are unable to contradict them, although they have the opposite view. Such attachment may result in the inability to exist independently.
Inability to defend your position. If in childhood the child was constantly subjected to pressure from peers or elders, as an adult he will not be able to lead a discussion. He will no longer have the desire to prove his point of view. It will be easier for him to agree and relegate his opinion to the background.
The desire to be like everyone else. A person with a similar position is afraid to stand out from the crowd and tries to live according to the principles of the herd. It is always important for such people to know that they are not worse than others, but like everyone else.
Avoidance of responsibility. Individuals who have these qualities are capable of deception; they cannot be relied upon, because they avoid responsibility in every possible way. A person who avoids solving serious issues is not welcome in the work team.

People dependent on other people's opinions often suffer from low self-esteem, consider themselves inferior and suffer from this. Those endowed with such qualities cannot successfully move up the career ladder, establish family relationships, and are subordinate to public opinion.

Important! Such dependence makes a slave out of a person, who can be controlled by everyone, point out mistakes and suppress the slightest manifestation of individuality. To avoid the unwanted development of such a bonded state, you must immediately sound the alarm and try to get rid of it.

The main reasons for dependence on the opinions of others

People are born into a world with established principles and moral standards. The whole future life is about conforming to society. But some people believe that someone else’s opinion will set them on the right path and help them not get out of line. This kind of dependence can ultimately lead to loss of individuality and inability to make decisions independently.

Reasons for dependence on outside opinions:

Weak character. People with this trait are easily influenced from outside.
A man driven by his essence. Such individuals avoid responsibility and are unable to make decisions on their own.
Bad experience. Appears in childhood, when parents suppressed the child’s initiative to do something on his own. With age, the need to manage your life disappears, and this feature is transferred to the shoulders of friends or relatives.
Low self-esteem. This quality does not make it possible to defend one’s interests, but, on the contrary, forces a person to withdraw so as not to provoke outside condemnation.
Lack of love in childhood. In adult life, an individual longs to attract attention to himself, begging approval or condemnation from strangers. These actions help him feel that he is not an empty place.
Created stereotypes. If a child is praised for all his actions (eating, waking up, going to the toilet, etc.), he lives in fear of doing something wrong and therefore is always guided by other people's advice.

The opinions of strangers often represent an outsider’s view of any situation, and whether to take it into account or not is everyone’s business, depending on their personal preferences. When a person is dependent, he accepts all instructions and follows them, forgetting about his own interests.

Important! Childhood education becomes the basis for the emergence of addiction. Like many other mental formations, it can be prevented with the help of properly selected methods of targeted personality development.

Signs of a person dependent on other people's opinions

The desire to imitate or conform to socially accepted attitudes prevents the manifestation of one’s own essence. There is no need for personal development, because preference is given to the assessments and opinions of people who are authorities for a person.

Main signs of addiction:

Before taking any action, a person thinks about how society will evaluate this action and what others will think. These thoughts influence the final decision made.
The person who has been criticized experiences depression, emotional decline and ill health.
There is a fear of being subjected to general discussion or criticism.
There is a need for a positive assessment and praise of one’s actions, achievements or personal qualities.
A person experiences oppression when his actions are not positively assessed.
The diligence of an individual comes down to meeting people's expectations.
A person sacrifices his principles and views in favor of someone else's opinion.
Ignoring discussions, being afraid to defend one’s point of view.
There is a feeling that a person is living someone else’s life, and at the same time oppression of his own “I” occurs.

The opinions of strangers can overshadow your dignity and cause you to lose your own face. If the listed signs are present, then you need to sound the alarm. After all, this manifestation contributes to the oppression of individuality and prevents one from achieving one’s life goals.

How to stop depending on other people's opinions

People are very dependent by nature. Each family, raising children, has a different attitude towards their freedom of expression. Some parents prefer to raise their children using dictatorial methods, while others, on the contrary, are inclined towards democracy. A child who has been subjected to emotional abuse and violated in his actions becomes dependent on the opinion of the public.

Having analyzed the problem, psychologists have developed a certain algorithm of actions on how not to depend on the opinions of others:

Self-observation. This technique is based on the practice of mindfulness. You need to analyze your thoughts. A wide variety of feelings must be noticed. Then the person will understand that his emotions contain resentment, anger, anxiety, and a feeling of unspokenness. Having identified these features, he learns to recognize them without dividing them into good and bad. Having learned to feel their thoughts, people determine their origin. By appreciating the emotional response to a stimulus, awareness appears, which relieves a person of self-judgment.
Privacy. People suffering from addiction are afraid of loneliness; they even try to be with those who harm them, just so as not to be left alone with themselves. To get rid of such negative attachment, you need to gradually learn to be alone. Realizing that this method is effective, you need to prepare a place to spend time. The created favorable atmosphere will allow you to be in peace and harmony with yourself. Such actions will eventually overcome the fear of loneliness and teach independence.
Defining your own desires. People attached to other people's opinions do not have life goals and their own view of a given situation. All the presented manifestations are hidden behind someone else’s face, because everything that loved ones want, the dependent person also wants to have. Such an individual needs to find strength within himself and answer the questions of what is important to him and who he wants to be in life.
Display of aggression. Each person tends to throw out his emotional indignation and defend his personal vision of a particular situation. If you constantly contain aggression within yourself and do not let it out, this can cause painful health and develop personal apathy. By defending your position, you will be able to gain your own opinion, which will help you break out of the captivity of addiction.
Setting boundaries. Having defined a clear limit of what is permitted, a person gains universal approval. Poor boundaries create uncertainty, which turns a lot of people off. After all, only distinct edges indicate the presence of life goals that will never be shaken. This kind of action will allow you to find your face in society.
Getting rid of illusions. This action will help you realize that there are no ideal people. Even those individuals who are seen as idols have a set of negative qualities. By looking closely at them, you can destroy the illusory world created by your own consciousness.

When a person asks the question of how not to pay attention to other people’s opinions, we can talk about his awareness of the problems that have arisen and the desire to get rid of them. From this moment the fight against addiction begins.

A list of exercises that will tell you how to stop depending on other people’s opinions:

It is necessary to watch a film or read a book, just so that the material is known to everyone. After familiarizing yourself with the chosen plot, you should make a list in which you write down the moments you liked and not so much. When a person gets into the essence of a film or book, he should talk with close friends about what impression he got. During the conversation, disputes may arise, but in no case should you deviate from your already formed opinion. It is recommended to repeat the proposed exercise until the person feels confident.
It is necessary to write down the goals that are planned to be achieved in a certain period of life. After completing this procedure, people gain confidence and strive to achieve what they planned.
You need to be able to refuse, cultivate the strength to tell people “No!” To learn this, you need to start small. For example, when you receive an offer from a friend to meet at a certain time, you should change it by at least 30 minutes, but this will already be a shift in a positive direction.

If a person cannot cope with his dependence on the opinions of others on his own, then only a specialist can help him.

How not to be afraid of other people's opinions - watch the video:

All people who are caught in the network of dependence on the opinions of others are discriminated against by society, lose their face and are unable to stand out from the crowd. The desire to conform suppresses individuality. If there is a need to overcome addiction, then there is no need to hesitate. Actions must be built according to the presented algorithm, and only then will it be possible to free oneself from other people’s opinions and gain faith in oneself.

Milata

Good evening! I'll try to put it succinctly. I am 30 years old. She was born into a dysfunctional family: mother, father and sister 10 years older. My father is a tyrant and a psychopath, my mother is dependent, spineless, a “victim” in life, by the time I was born, they had quite traumatized my sister, and subsequently all three of them abused the child (me). The beginning was already good - my father wanted a boy and did not come to me for several months. My mother beat me so that I would fall asleep faster after crying... Fear reigned in the house. Always. Total. My sister, older and stronger, tried to compensate me when she thought that I got less than her. Successfully. I still hate her. Suicide attempts both hers and mine. Theft... Selling your body. To survive... We seem to have hit rock bottom... Over the years, I have straightened out. I somehow found my place, I work, I lead a very quiet and inconspicuous lifestyle, I work on myself, but...

I was destroyed from the very birth... There was nothing of mine in the house except school notebooks. No room, no place, no chair... My sister completely pushed me out of our common space (room). I was a shadow who just spent the night and then hung out somewhere among guests or attics... Just not at home... I have no desires... No dreams, no goals. There is no me as an individuality and essence, I have always tried to imitate someone, which further aggravated my “insignificance”...

I'm afraid to talk loudly, dress brightly and BE... I see my inner child - this is a little girl, grimy, in rags, she sits in a cold cave near a small fireplace and she is very sad... ... Collects brushwood and barely supports this hearth... How can I help her? How to give what was deprived of her?

But if you want, we can talk to you. :)

Milata

Milata, good evening! You did the right thing by asking for help. But it seems to me that this type of help through correspondence will be ineffective for you. You need to personally, at your place of residence, seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.
But if you want, we can talk to you. :)

Thank you for your reply. I asked for help. But I couldn't see the effect. Even after a year of work. The books of Osho, Goleman, Hay, etc. helped me more... With a psychotherapist it’s like a lottery) I’m a little disappointed that I wasted so much money. And the result... Well, so-so...
I have now reached the point where I stopped blaming myself for how my life turned out... Because it was very difficult to live with the fact that I myself was to blame for what was happening... Like, where did I look, I saw... I SHOULD have understood... I have now freed myself from this I SHOULD... I couldn’t... I couldn’t... My life is a consequence... And I couldn’t act better, smarter, wiser... I was thrown, crippled, into this world alone, where so many people happily took advantage of the child’s naivety and cowardice... Weakness and survival instinct.
I freed myself from the fear of hating my family... For a long time I did not allow myself to think badly about them. Then I would be “bad”... They convinced me that our life is not so bad, some people spend the night in cardboard boxes... But here, wow! Apartment... I can now allow myself to think that I OWE them NOTHING. It was THEY who owed ME... ... They mutilated my soul... ... And I lived and thought that I was to blame for something...

Good evening. Indeed, the experience you write about could not pass without a trace. Numerous grievances and emotions towards unfair treatment make it difficult to see the diversity of relationships. Show yourself. In my opinion, for positive changes you need to free yourself from the oppression of these experiences. It's possible. To begin with, in the evening, in the silence of your room, do the exercise. Sitting comfortably, hug a soft toy (pillow) and, closing your eyes, see in your arms the very girl who is having a hard time and being lonely, gently press her to you, stroke her and whisper in her ear words about how you love her, about how she is good and the words of encouragement she needs. Take this first small but very important step towards yourself. Good luck!

Milata

Any specialist is a lottery!) It’s not easy to find a good specialist in any field!
How can I address you by name?

Yes... And any specialist sooner or later reveals the truth that something is wrong here) but things are still there... Or even worse.
My name is Milata. You can do it that way.
I'm trying to realize as much as possible... That's right, REALIZE. That there is cause and effect. My life was simply hellish... I miraculously survived. And I want to justify it. It’s not in vain that I live. At least I understand why I need this. Maybe in the next life it will be easier... As they say, your tomorrow depends on today... But I no longer dream about tomorrow, I hope that the next life will be less painful...
My father sexually harassed me, my sister molested me, there was a colorful Rubik’s cube in my mind... And I still don’t know how to solve it... I did a lot of bad things, I’m ashamed of it... This is theft and lies, pretense and lying... But I couldn’t do otherwise, it was as if I was playing some kind of role. For a long time I was a victim, the one who was raised... Obedient, who should be useful... But not demand anything... Several years ago I started working on myself, but it’s moving so slowly, it seems I won’t get it done before I retire ... ...
It is clear that I have so many problems... But I am sure that there is a strategy for solving them. (By the way, I successfully graduated from university, I work in a good company, and I have achieved a lot for myself... If only there had been a different start. Eh! Who knows...) I would like to figure this out with a strategy...

Milata, let's try to communicate with you. If you don't like something, say so right away. I would like to know more about you:
- do you live alone?
- were you married?
- when did you first think that you were not living correctly? What or who gave you this idea?
- May I know what your profession is?
- Do you have any friends?

Milata

Thank you! I'm already glad that they want to communicate with me)
I’ll try to say, but it’s not easy to track, I’m so used to bending over and accepting other people’s desires and satisfying them that I don’t immediately and don’t always understand that this contradicts mine...

Essentially the questions:
I live with my parents and child. I gave birth to a loser, an infantile and weak-willed, unemployed guy... I gave birth to survive. Because it seems, although no, it doesn’t even seem, this was the only thing that would save me and keep me on this earth... I needed to live for some reason. And to be loved by someone unconditionally. The first pregnancy ended in an abortion after my mother’s suggestions that children are a burden, don’t even think about it, and if you decide, get the hell out of the house... Six months later I was pregnant again and this time I decided to stand to the end and defend it... It was a success... because they lived with me and the martyr did not earn money, there was a lot of bullying, and regrets about my decision too... I found myself between a rock and a hard place. But it was already too late. She gave birth and lived. When I was 3 years old, I asked my son to fall on his mother’s neck and got a job, and that’s when a breakthrough appeared.
A few years later, having more or less gotten back on her feet, she rented a separate apartment. The child went to school. Everything got better relatively. I worked very responsibly (in general, I’m a bit of a perfectionist, my work is just fire). My work is related to travel and transport logistics. For a period of time, I distracted myself from my problems by traveling, traveled to many countries, many on my own, without tour packages, sometimes spending the night in the open air... Romance and exploration of my strengths and capabilities.
I haven't been married and I don't have any friends. I think no one wants to be friends with me because I am a very silent and calm person. I am not indignant and I do not eat with joy. I'm emotionally dull. I try to help someone, I share my findings, resources, but there is no response... Apparently, this is natural for me - they use me, as they did in my family. I closed myself off from everything so that I could suffer less, I have enough internal agony, I don’t need to add anything from the outside.
I thought for the first time when I started communicating with “normal” people... At school, probably... When someone said that he goes skiing with his parents in the park (it’s behind our house, by the way)... I was shocked... HOW? WITH PARENTS? HAVE FUN? Together? ! How is it.

The maximum joint event in my life was going to the store to help carry heavy bags... Moreover, my mother clearly did not calculate the weight of the goods and the possibilities of labor... I remember those blue fingers, my aching back and bags... But I was glad! Because sometimes I got something tasty... And because it was time with MOM. Which used me... We never visited museums, a zoo or a theater... This appeared in my life only now, when I grew up and became a mother for my child... I actively travel with him and develop him.
The understanding has firmly settled that my mother never protects me. Whatever happens - a drunk father or a teacher, an unfair accusation from a teacher - she immediately takes THEIR side and does not fight for me. Such betrayal... It was understood early. Even before d/s, probably.
Now I have returned to my parents again for economic reasons; renting a separate house is very expensive, but they are tenacious. That's why I'm saving for a down payment.
HENCE THE QUESTION: How effective is working with the inner child if you live together with them?

Milata, good evening. I can’t always answer you right away, but I listen to you carefully. Your question: “How effective is working with the inner child if you live together with them?” You can ask the psychologist who wrote to you about this. Look at the correspondence above, a psychologist intervened in our conversation, so you can ask him in a personal message.
You wrote that you now live with your parents. How is your communication with them now? And your child’s communication with them, I understand you are a boy? What kind of mother do you think you are? And when you left to travel, who was your son with?

Milata

Hello! Got it (about the answer).
Now we live almost like neighbors, if it would be 100% great as neighbors, but it doesn’t work out because my parents expect love from me, the participation of their old age and attention... I can’t give them any of this. I can only pretend and ask how they are doing. But the answer is usually - everything hurts, everything is boring, or what’s going on with us, so tell me! But I have nothing to tell them, because I don’t want to say anything. Any attempts to get to the bottom of the truth (for example, to express your feelings or opinions) turn into accusations. I’m ungrateful, it was a hard time or it could be worse... But the things for which I can thank them can be counted on one hand, these are: for giving birth, giving a roof over my head and some things, also my mother “helped” financially when I rented a room (she rented mine at the same time and gave me part of this money)... When my daughter was born, she did not help me, she never went for a walk with her to the park, which is across the road, at most give me something to eat. I couldn’t even dare to ask her to pick her up from the d/s. Maybe it’s my pride, maybe it’s uselessness, because her back, legs, head always hurt...
So I learned to do without help. Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes with my child... When I managed to leave her with my dad in the village with his relatives, I could go for a couple of weeks... A couple of times I left her with my sister, but then it took her a long time to remember what an ill-mannered daughter I had -4 year old child doesn’t throw away candy wrappers, so I stopped asking for it. Now we are already adjusting to the holidays and relaxing together in the summer... We don’t communicate with my sister, very rarely she will write to me on VK, complain about something and forget to ask how I am doing) By the way, she left her child to her father and in general, It seems she doesn’t have maternal feelings, she went to live in a remote village, isolated herself from everyone, etc. I feel sorry for her too... I hate and feel sorry for her, because I understand that her unfulfilled life is also the result of our childhood...
What kind of mother am I... ... It's difficult for me to answer. I have a short temper, and there have been several times when I lost control and turned into a monster, just like my father. I started screaming so hard that my throat would hurt, tearing up school notebooks and throwing them in my daughter’s face... ... It’s terribly embarrassing. This happened 3 times. Other times, of course, I try to control myself, when I feel like I’m boiling, I switch myself and say, stop! You will now become like HIM! It is forbidden! Have pity on your baby! You're smarter, we can negotiate! ... These are roughly the thoughts running through my head. ... I know how NOT to raise a child and I build on that. I always tried to become for her the kind of mother that I did not have. Therefore, from the age of 3, every year at sea, I gave clothes, books, everything to the section (now I take her to an art school), so that she would not feel disadvantaged in some way... There is a problem in the relationship with her.. . I seem to envy her) and I get offended when she abuses my kindness. For example, he reads a book instead of doing his homework, and then gets bad grades. I swear and am offended that she is not grateful to me for going out of my way for her. And in response, I need her to clean the room and do homework more diligently... This is where most of the clashes occur. I don’t know how to be strict... Sometimes I just get tired and want to close myself off from everything.

The daughter is growing up with clearly better characteristics. She is sociable, cheerful, makes friends with many kids in the class and is a good student. I tried to find at least one of my childhood photographs where I was smiling and found that there were none... In all 5 photos I look from under my brows, frowning... At school I was a laughing stock, who wore 2 sweaters all year and with a male bitch over the shoulder instead of a satchel... And even with a knot tied on the belt, because Mom doesn’t like to sew, so she decided to shorten the strap by tying it in a knot... I don’t know what those “hard years” were and why was it only in our apartment that they reflected on the children... It was as if all the other children and their parents lived in a parallel universe. But everyone was dressed normally, and even went on excursions and school trips abroad... And they yelled at me so much when I simply asked for a backpack that I sat in the bathroom for half the night, sobbing and afraid to go out... I don’t believe what happened so much money. I do not believe.
All in all, I think I'm not such a bad mom...
I try to respect my daughter and give her choices. The result is that she is slightly spoiled, but she does not hide in the closet and is not afraid to breathe.

To many things, including the ability to take responsibility for what happens in life, to defend one’s point of view in disputes, without fear of self-confident people, the child learns in the family. Unfortunately, without meaning to, parents and closest family members often contribute to the fact that a child grows up to be a timid and shy person who feels weaker and stupider than others. They are overly worried about the child, want to protect him from dangers and teach him order, and are not at all embarrassed in their statements.

In families where parents they are not used to taking into account the child’s opinion and did not give him the opportunity to speak out with the words: “You are still too young to participate in adult conversations,” there is a lack of understanding and support between parents and children. Meanwhile, in order for a child to grow up to be a self-confident person, it is necessary to teach him from a young age to defend his opinion and his rights, to show him an example of how to fight for the fulfillment of his desires in our sometimes cruel world. Many parents manage to give birth and raise a physically healthy child, but only a few can be proud of the fact that they were able to raise a persistent and purposeful person who is confident in his abilities, who knows how to express his opinion out loud, reacts correctly to criticism and does not allow others to manipulate him.

To child managed to defend his opinion, you need to hone the art of communicating with him from a very early age. And it includes a clear awareness that your baby has his own needs and opinions. The extent to which these requests and opinions are respected and significant in the family determines how great the child’s chances of becoming a successful person in the future depend. It is also important how you point out your child’s mistakes. For example, the baby decided to help his mother wash the floor, but he still does not know how to wipe the surface dry.

Mom can react to this in different ways. He may say: “Better give me the rag, he’s also a helper for me!” or wring out the rag yourself and give it to the baby with the words: “If you wring out the rag so hard, then after washing the floor will not be wet and slippery.” The second phrase does not contain derogatory criticism and allows the child to correct the situation himself, and after the first the child will understand only one thing - that he is good for nothing. The child himself understands that he should wipe the floor better, but does not yet know how to do this. The task of parents is to support the child’s desire and indicate the correct path of behavior.

To raise a child It is very important for a successful person to establish a trusting relationship with him from an early age. This means that parents should not only advise and direct the child, but also explain to him in detail, answer his questions and push him to choose the right decision. Here are a few rules for communicating with your child that will help your child develop self-confidence. As you know, it is this character trait that allows a child to actively communicate with peers, make friends with them and defend his opinion.

1. Listen carefully to your child without being distracted or interrupting him. Often parents do not attach importance to children's chatter, letting the child's story pass their ears and abstractly thinking about their problems. This leads to the fact that over time the child withdraws into himself and becomes taciturn. Always try to show your child that you listen carefully and understand him. To do this, demonstrate to him with gestures and words that his story is very interesting to you. For example, look carefully into his eyes and, shaking your head, say “yes” or ask “so what next?”

If child during the story he does not express his feelings in any way, help him with the words: “If I were there, I would be happy about this” or “I would be scared in that case.” After listening to the story to the end, be sure to comment on it to prove to the child that all his words were listened to and understood by you. To do this, briefly retell the main event from the child’s story and say: “I liked your story, it deserves respect.”

2. Learn to feel your child in "body language". When communicating with adults, children often try to “exaggerate” everything, successfully hiding their real selves. For example, disappointment, annoyance and resentment. Learn to understand your child "in body language." Sadness in the eyes, a trembling chin, an unnatural smile will help you understand how sincere your child is. There is no need to ask your child to tell you the whole truth, just tell him: “I see that when you tell you about this you are not happy at all, something probably upset you.”

3. Support and encourage your child. When communicating with your child, support the child with a smile, nod of the head, glance and touches on the hand. But there is no need to laugh loudly at his story or pat him on the head or back. These gestures can be interpreted as disdain. When answering your child's questions, choose the right tone. At the same time, you cannot joke about his words or “lisp”, teasing him. The child will perceive all this as a negative assessment of his actions and will not tell you anything further. When talking with a child, use approving phrases to keep the conversation going, such as: “Wow, that’s great!”, “Wow, how did you guess about it!”, “Oh, really!” etc.

Just feeling respect and support from parents, the child will gain his own opinion in the family and learn to defend it when communicating with peers.